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BrandonTheWriter
December 23rd, 2012, 02:51 AM
I was looking out of the window the other day at the rain and I had an idea. I don't live in New York, I just liked the setting of it. My main objective with this was to convey emotion and try and connect you with the main character. I hope you enjoy, feedback would be appreciated.

------------------

The Rain Out There - Short (2012)

It was Midnight, well close to Midnight. I was just sat there, staring out of the window. I'm not sure why I was doing this, maybe it's just because I had nothing better to do. That's my usual response to doing something. There was nothing of interest out of this window apart from some dark windows and a lighted street below. I lived in the heart of New York City, the city that never sleeps. You could literally sit here all night and it wouldn't stop, the constant traffic, pedestrians walking by, crime taking place you name it, New York's got it. But on this night, it was cold and quiet, it was close to Christmas. I remember I used to always be excited around this time as a kid, waiting to see what my parents had bought me for Christmas, I'd honestly be happy with every single present I got, I used to be spoilt rotten. Luckily, that didn't spoil me, I'm still the same humble person I was that many years ago.

Times have changed now, I live in my apartment alone. It's not a bad apartment, I have a cleaner come in often throughout the week to keep it clean. She's lovely and been with me for many years, she's never complained when I haven't been able to pay her or when I was having a bad day, she was always there to make me a cup of tea or just simply leave me alone and do her job. She knew me that well. Unfortunately, this afternoon I found out some very devastating news. She had passed away. It hit me like a ton of bricks, I'd never been so close to someone like that and it really hurt. It hurts to know someone will replace her, no-one could ever replace her. No-one could ever truly understand me like her.

It was getting later by the minute but I didn't care. I was sick of going to sleep early and doing the same daily routine. Well, you can't call it much of a routine anymore. I'm retired, there is nothing much else I can do, I don't feel like I need to explore anything else, I've done everything I've ever wanted too. I've been married, I've had children I've done it all, I don't see my children much anymore they're all grown up now and doing their own things. They come and visit me once a week, It's nice to catch up with them and see how they are. I'm really proud of them, James and Emily, they have a bright future, they are smart and ray of sunshine, it brightens my day when I see them doing so successful, they'll do me proud.

I always promised my Mother I'd write in this diary everyday no matter how old I got, I never forgot that promise. Anyway, I must be going now, I'm getting tired, the city may never sleep but I need too. Goodnight.

Jack
1928-2012

erusson
December 23rd, 2012, 10:58 PM
Hi there :)

Your spelling, grammar and punctuation need a little work - have a quick Google and I'm sure you'll find plenty to help you with that :) in fact, I would imagine there's probably a guide somewhere on these forums.


I lived in the heart of New York City, the city that never sleeps. I'm not sure you need to put that the protagonist lives in NYC - you name it later on in the same paragraph, and it's always a good idea to challenge yourself as a writer by alluding to the location rather than stating it outright. If you mention busy streets, tall buildings, rude people, yellow taxis and so on, the reader will catch on that it's a city, and if you set the scene enough they will probably guess that it's NYC.

Also, "the city that never sleeps" is a bit of a cliche, though I like what you've done with it at the end, where you say "The city may not sleep but I need to".


But on this night, it was cold and quiet, it was close to Christmas. A similar thing here - basically it's the old 'show, don't tell' problem. When I was at uni my tutor set us an exercise: write about Christmas without using the word "Christmas". So if you're talking about Christmas in New York you might mention ice-skating, Time Square, the lights, and so on.

Another thing - we don't really get enough about the cleaner to really care that she's gone. Obviously we know we're supposed to be sad, but you need to build up the character a little more. Give her some quirks and some habits that will make us like her without having to actually bring her into the room.

Hope that helps xx

cassie30
December 24th, 2012, 02:48 AM
I have to agree that you have to check your spelling and such. I also agree we need more on the cleaning lady to make us want feel sad.

BrandonTheWriter
December 24th, 2012, 02:07 PM
Hi there :)

Your spelling, grammar and punctuation need a little work - have a quick Google and I'm sure you'll find plenty to help you with that :) in fact, I would imagine there's probably a guide somewhere on these forums.

I'm not sure you need to put that the protagonist lives in NYC - you name it later on in the same paragraph, and it's always a good idea to challenge yourself as a writer by alluding to the location rather than stating it outright. If you mention busy streets, tall buildings, rude people, yellow taxis and so on, the reader will catch on that it's a city, and if you set the scene enough they will probably guess that it's NYC.

Also, "the city that never sleeps" is a bit of a cliche, though I like what you've done with it at the end, where you say "The city may not sleep but I need to".

A similar thing here - basically it's the old 'show, don't tell' problem. When I was at uni my tutor set us an exercise: write about Christmas without using the word "Christmas". So if you're talking about Christmas in New York you might mention ice-skating, Time Square, the lights, and so on.

Another thing - we don't really get enough about the cleaner to really care that she's gone. Obviously we know we're supposed to be sad, but you need to build up the character a little more. Give her some quirks and some habits that will make us like her without having to actually bring her into the room.

Hope that helps xx

Thank you for the feedback. The errors with the spelling, grammar and punctuation here could be due to it being late when I did this. I really appreciate you reading it and taking the time to give me feedback, I think I'm going to post a re-worked version of this if you would be interested in reading it?

BrandonTheWriter
December 24th, 2012, 02:08 PM
I have to agree that you have to check your spelling and such. I also agree we need more on the cleaning lady to make us want feel sad.

Yeah, I think I'm going to write it again but this time give more on the cleaning lady and check my spelling, grammar and punctuation thoroughly.

erusson
December 24th, 2012, 02:27 PM
Thank you for the feedback. The errors with the spelling, grammar and punctuation here could be due to it being late when I did this. I really appreciate you reading it and taking the time to give me feedback, I think I'm going to post a re-worked version of this if you would be interested in reading it?


Yep! I have plenty of time at the mo so would love to have another read. It's always great to have someone look over your work - that's why I'm loving this forum, my friends from uni are just useless at getting back to me about my stories.

I am also uploading something if you wouldn't mind having a read? x

Mr mitchell
December 24th, 2012, 04:55 PM
This was tough to read. I feel that the character wasn't real enough and I put it to not enough detail. I didn't really care for him. This felt rushed, I mean, it was so fast and I couldn't catch my breath. And another thing, was it midnight or was it so close to midnight? You needed to choose one or the other. However, I like the idea.

Thedancingswan
January 2nd, 2013, 10:44 PM
:chuncky: I would like to see deeper connection between the mood of the city and the main character. At the moment, it felt to me as if they are in different layers. Love the title of your story and I was wondering how will you lead the reader through the journey.

randomwriting
January 16th, 2013, 09:55 AM
I was looking out of the window the other day at the rain and I had an idea. I don't live in New York, I just liked the setting of it. My main objective with this was to convey emotion and try and connect you with the main character. I hope you enjoy, feedback would be appreciated.

------------------

The Rain Out There - Short (2012)

It was Midnight, well close to Midnight. I was just sat there, staring out of the window. I'm not sure why I was doing this, maybe it's just because I had nothing better to do. That's my usual response to doing something. There was nothing of interest out of this window apart from some dark windows and a lighted street below. I lived in the heart of New York City, the city that never sleeps. You could literally sit here all night and it wouldn't stop, the constant traffic, pedestrians walking by, crime taking place you name it, New York's got it. But on this night, it was cold and quiet, it was close to Christmas. I remember I used to always be excited around this time as a kid, waiting to see what my parents had bought me for Christmas, I'd honestly be happy with every single present I got, I used to be spoilt rotten. Luckily, that didn't spoil me, I'm still the same humble person I was that many years ago.

Times have changed now, I live in my apartment alone. It's not a bad apartment, I have a cleaner come in often throughout the week to keep it clean. She's lovely and been with me for many years, she's never complained when I haven't been able to pay her or when I was having a bad day, she was always there to make me a cup of tea or just simply leave me alone and do her job. She knew me that well. Unfortunately, this afternoon I found out some very devastating news. She had passed away. It hit me like a ton of bricks, I'd never been so close to someone like that and it really hurt. It hurts to know someone will replace her, no-one could ever replace her. No-one could ever truly understand me like her.

It was getting later by the minute but I didn't care. I was sick of going to sleep early and following the same daily routine. Well, you can't call it much of a routine anymore. I'm retired, there is nothing much else I can do, I don't feel like I need to explore anything else, I've done everything I've ever wanted too. I've been married, I've had children I've done it all, I don't see my children much anymore they're all grown up now and doing their own things. They come and visit me once a week, It's nice to catch up with them and see how they are. I'm really proud of them, James and Emily, they have a bright future, they are smart and ray of sunshine, it brightens my day when I see them doing so successful, they'll do me proud.

I always promised my Mother I'd write in this diary everyday no matter how old I got, I never forgot that promise. Anyway, I must be going now, I'm getting tired, the city may never sleep but I need too. Goodnight.

Jack
1928-2012


I happen to like this short story most of it seems to jive but some is quite repetitive and transitions need some work.





The Rain Out There - Short (2012)

It was Midnight or damn close to it my eyes aren't what they used to be and the wall clock was just about out of focus from where I was sitting. There I was just sitting there staring out the window. I'm not sure what led me to the window, maybe it's just because I had nothing better to do. That happens to be my usual response for doing something. There was nothing of interest out of this window apart from the lighted street below. I live in the heart of the city that never sleeps. You could literally sit here all night and it wouldn't stop, the constant traffic, pedestrians walking by, crime taking place if you can name it New York surely has it. But on this night, it was cold, quiet and closing in on Christmas. I remember I used to be excited around this time as a kid, waiting to see what my parents had bought me for Christmas, I'd honestly be happy with every single present I got, I used to be spoiled rotten. Luckily that didn't stick to me, I'm still the same humble person I was that many years ago.

Times have changed now, I live in my apartment alone. It's not a bad apartment, I have a maid come in often throughout the week to keep it clean. She's lovely and has been with me for many years, she's never complained when I haven't been able to pay her or if I was having a bad day she just knew to do her job and leave, she was always there to make me tea or just simply relay a kind word to me. She knew me very well in that respect. Unfortunately, this afternoon I found out that she has passed away, this news was devastating and hit me like a ton of bricks, I had never been so close to someone that was just in my life to provide a service such as cleaning, she felt more like family than a maid and it really hurt me deep inside. It hurts to know that someone will take her place but no-one could ever replace her. No-one could ever truly understand me like she had.

It was getting later by the minute but I didn't care, I was sick of going to sleep early and doing the same daily routine. Well, you couldn't call it much of a routine anymore. I'm retired, there is nothing much else I can do, I don't feel like I need to explore anything else, I've done everything I've ever wanted or set out to do. I've been married, I've had children I've done it all, I don't see my children much anymore they're all grown up now and doing their own things. They come and visit me once a week, It's nice to catch up with them and see how they are and how far they have come. I'm really proud of James and Emily they have a bright future ahead of them, they are smart and my own personal rays of sunshine, it brightens my day when I think about how successful the two have become, they have done a father proud.

I always promised my Mother I'd write in this diary everyday no matter how old I got, I have never forgotten that promise. Well I'm getting tired and I must be going, this city may never sleep but I wish it a goodnight for now.

Jack
1928-2012


I hope I didn't take too much liberty but it seems to flow a tad better now. I changed as much as I could without changing the moral of the story. A lot of it was just changing a word or moving some around. Last paragraph was a bit choppy but I tried to help out what I could.

hopefully its for the better.

Olly Buckle
January 16th, 2013, 10:43 AM
Almost a flash, a nice image of a man, anyway;


The Rain Out There - Short (2012)

It was Midnight, well close to Midnight. I was just sat there, staring out of the window. I'm not sure why I was doing this, maybe it's just because I had nothing better to do. That's my usual response to doing something.

Not a ‘response to’ in this case but a ‘reason for’


There was nothing of interest out of this window apart from some dark windows and a lighted street below. I lived in the heart of New York City, the city that never sleeps. You could literally sit here all night and it wouldn't stop, the constant traffic, pedestrians walking by, crime taking place you name it, New York's got it. But on this night, it was cold and quiet, it was close to Christmas. I remember I used to always be excited around this time as a kid, waiting to see what my parents had bought me for Christmas, I'd honestly be happy with every single present I got, I used to be spoilt rotten. Luckily, that didn't spoil me,

This is a contradiction, were you spoilt or weren’t you? Your parents ‘tried’ to spoil you, maybe?

I'm still the same humble person I was that many years ago.

Times have changed now, I live in my apartment alone. It's not a bad apartment, I have a cleaner come in often throughout the week to keep it clean. She's lovely and been with me for many years, she's never complained when I haven't been able to pay her or when I was having a bad day, she was always there to make me a cup of tea or just simply leave me alone and do her job. She knew me that well. Unfortunately, this afternoon I found out some very devastating news. She had passed away. It hit me like a ton of bricks, I'd never been so close to someone like that and it really hurt.

Awkward phrasing, the ‘like that’ refers to the being close, but the way it is structured makes it look like it refers to the cleaner. “I’d never been close like that to someone ... “

It hurts to know someone will replace her, no-one could ever replace her. No-one could ever truly understand me like her.

Sudden change from past to present tense.

It was getting later by the minute but I didn't care. I was sick of going to sleep early and doing the same daily routine.

‘Doing’ is implicit in ‘routine’, “I was sick of the same routine ...”

Well, you can't call it much of a routine anymore. I'm retired, there is nothing much else I can do, I don't feel like I need to explore anything else, I've done everything I've ever wanted too. I've been married, I've had children I've done it all, I don't see my children much anymore they're all grown up now and doing their own things. They come and visit me once a week, It's nice to catch up with them and see how they are. I'm really proud of them, James and Emily, they have a bright future, they are smart and ray of sunshine, it brightens my day when I see them doing so successful, they'll do me proud.

‘Doing so well’ or ‘Being so successful’, or even simply ‘So successful’, you have already said they make you proud, I would suggest you leave off ‘do me proud’ and lose the repetition, there are plenty of other phrases, such as ‘brighten my life.’

I always promised my Mother I'd write in this diary everyday no matter how old I got, I never forgot that promise. Anyway, I must be going now, I'm getting tired, the city may never sleep but I need too. Goodnight.

Tipseas
January 17th, 2013, 07:15 PM
I didn't relate to the main character's (MC) grief, loneliness or pain. I felt like more time was spent explaining the city and the MC's family ties, than his relationship with the "maid" and her passing, which is why he was depressed and suicidal, correct? Was he suicidal, because he was old and tired? Was he suicidal, because his family never comes to see him anymore? You stated, he see's them once a week, which confused me. Was he in pain and depressed, because the maid he knew for "many years" had passed away? How many years? A span of a decade? Why/how did she pass away? How did the MC find out? Also, what relationship does Christmas have to what the MC is feeling? Is it, because now he will spend Christmas alone, without his most favorite person, the maid? What was so bad about her passing and it being the holidays, for him to decide to end it all?

I really do like the plot you have created here. Mixing the holiday season, which is supposed to be cheerful and upbeat; with the less positive feelings of depression, sadness and pain.

enchantedsecret24
January 19th, 2013, 01:14 AM
I agree with most here about the spelling, grammar, and punctuation. The run-ons in this killed me as I read it. Just kept waiting and waiting and waiting at times for the period to end the sentence and it never did! lol Just towards the beginning of the story I believe. I like that it takes place in NYC because I too love New York. It is very beautiful and unique and I agree with whoever said to not state outright that they live in NYC. It will make it more intresting if, like they said, you just explain your surroundings in all of their beauty. With NYC it would be easy for readers to guess where he is from, no need to just plain out tell them. I love your story though, hopefully you keep working on it and improving it everyday! It seems like your main character may have a very good story to tell!

OLDSOUL
January 19th, 2013, 03:31 PM
randomwriting doing this story some much needed justice.

enchantedsecret24
January 19th, 2013, 10:36 PM
Yes randomwriting did a very good job, In my opinion. It is still the same story but it def. does flow a lot better. I love it! :)

randomwriting
January 25th, 2013, 08:35 AM
randomwriting doing this story some much needed justice.


Yes randomwriting did a very good job, In my opinion. It is still the same story but it def. does flow a lot better. I love it! :)

Thanks guys for your opinions on my re-write. Is all I did was improve the good writing that the op did. The good story was there it just seemed like he had the idea and had to get it out before he got to truly finish it . Also we have all had a good idea that if we didn't write down we would have forgotten it. He just wrote it down before he ironed out the wrinkles, I was just the iron the shirt was already there.

Also I just did a quick re-write, with sometime he would have done a whole lot better than I did.

For the OP, I would just recommend to write down the rough draft then finish up before posting. But I liked it as previously stated.

randomwriting
January 25th, 2013, 09:03 AM
Also It would be great to hear from op about my rewrite.

BrandonTheWriter
January 27th, 2013, 05:28 PM
I happen to like this short story most of it seems to jive but some is quite repetitive and transitions need some work.





The Rain Out There - Short (2012)

It was Midnight or damn close to it my eyes aren't what they used to be and the wall clock was just about out of focus from where I was sitting. There I was just sitting there staring out the window. I'm not sure what led me to the window, maybe it's just because I had nothing better to do. That happens to be my usual response for doing something. There was nothing of interest out of this window apart from the lighted street below. I live in the heart of the city that never sleeps. You could literally sit here all night and it wouldn't stop, the constant traffic, pedestrians walking by, crime taking place if you can name it New York surely has it. But on this night, it was cold, quiet and closing in on Christmas. I remember I used to be excited around this time as a kid, waiting to see what my parents had bought me for Christmas, I'd honestly be happy with every single present I got, I used to be spoiled rotten. Luckily that didn't stick to me, I'm still the same humble person I was that many years ago.

Times have changed now, I live in my apartment alone. It's not a bad apartment, I have a maid come in often throughout the week to keep it clean. She's lovely and has been with me for many years, she's never complained when I haven't been able to pay her or if I was having a bad day she just knew to do her job and leave, she was always there to make me tea or just simply relay a kind word to me. She knew me very well in that respect. Unfortunately, this afternoon I found out that she has passed away, this news was devastating and hit me like a ton of bricks, I had never been so close to someone that was just in my life to provide a service such as cleaning, she felt more like family than a maid and it really hurt me deep inside. It hurts to know that someone will take her place but no-one could ever replace her. No-one could ever truly understand me like she had.

It was getting later by the minute but I didn't care, I was sick of going to sleep early and doing the same daily routine. Well, you couldn't call it much of a routine anymore. I'm retired, there is nothing much else I can do, I don't feel like I need to explore anything else, I've done everything I've ever wanted or set out to do. I've been married, I've had children I've done it all, I don't see my children much anymore they're all grown up now and doing their own things. They come and visit me once a week, It's nice to catch up with them and see how they are and how far they have come. I'm really proud of James and Emily they have a bright future ahead of them, they are smart and my own personal rays of sunshine, it brightens my day when I think about how successful the two have become, they have done a father proud.

I always promised my Mother I'd write in this diary everyday no matter how old I got, I have never forgotten that promise. Well I'm getting tired and I must be going, this city may never sleep but I wish it a goodnight for now.

Jack
1928-2012


I hope I didn't take too much liberty but it seems to flow a tad better now. I changed as much as I could without changing the moral of the story. A lot of it was just changing a word or moving some around. Last paragraph was a bit choppy but I tried to help out what I could.

hopefully its for the better.

Great job with this. When I wrote at the time it was quite late and I probably wasn't paying attention as much as I should have been. After reading through it again I was shocked at the amount of mistakes I'd made in it. I'm definitely considering re-writing it again and focusing more on the 'Maid' and the MC rather than the city. I'll keep that hidden when I re-write it.

BrandonTheWriter
January 27th, 2013, 05:30 PM
Yep! I have plenty of time at the mo so would love to have another read. It's always great to have someone look over your work - that's why I'm loving this forum, my friends from uni are just useless at getting back to me about my stories.

I am also uploading something if you wouldn't mind having a read? x

Sure, I'll read it when it's up. Let me know.

BrandonTheWriter
January 27th, 2013, 05:35 PM
This was tough to read. I feel that the character wasn't real enough and I put it to not enough detail. I didn't really care for him. This felt rushed, I mean, it was so fast and I couldn't catch my breath. And another thing, was it midnight or was it so close to midnight? You needed to choose one or the other. However, I like the idea.

It was rushed and I wish I didn't rush it now. It was late and I simply wrote it because the idea came in to my head. I'm going to try and re-write it soon and make it better.


I would like to see deeper connection between the mood of the city and the main character. At the moment, it felt to me as if they are in different layers. Love the title of your story and I was wondering how will you lead the reader through the journey.

Thankyou, I'm going to try and do what you said and try to explore a deeper connection between the mood of the city and the main character. I didn't do it justice last time. Also, I'm going to focus on his relationship with the maid a lot more.

BrandonTheWriter
January 27th, 2013, 05:36 PM
Almost a flash, a nice image of a man, anyway;


The Rain Out There - Short (2012)

It was Midnight, well close to Midnight. I was just sat there, staring out of the window. I'm not sure why I was doing this, maybe it's just because I had nothing better to do. That's my usual response to doing something.

Not a ‘response to’ in this case but a ‘reason for’


There was nothing of interest out of this window apart from some dark windows and a lighted street below. I lived in the heart of New York City, the city that never sleeps. You could literally sit here all night and it wouldn't stop, the constant traffic, pedestrians walking by, crime taking place you name it, New York's got it. But on this night, it was cold and quiet, it was close to Christmas. I remember I used to always be excited around this time as a kid, waiting to see what my parents had bought me for Christmas, I'd honestly be happy with every single present I got, I used to be spoilt rotten. Luckily, that didn't spoil me,

This is a contradiction, were you spoilt or weren’t you? Your parents ‘tried’ to spoil you, maybe?

I'm still the same humble person I was that many years ago.

Times have changed now, I live in my apartment alone. It's not a bad apartment, I have a cleaner come in often throughout the week to keep it clean. She's lovely and been with me for many years, she's never complained when I haven't been able to pay her or when I was having a bad day, she was always there to make me a cup of tea or just simply leave me alone and do her job. She knew me that well. Unfortunately, this afternoon I found out some very devastating news. She had passed away. It hit me like a ton of bricks, I'd never been so close to someone like that and it really hurt.

Awkward phrasing, the ‘like that’ refers to the being close, but the way it is structured makes it look like it refers to the cleaner. “I’d never been close like that to someone ... “

It hurts to know someone will replace her, no-one could ever replace her. No-one could ever truly understand me like her.

Sudden change from past to present tense.

It was getting later by the minute but I didn't care. I was sick of going to sleep early and doing the same daily routine.

‘Doing’ is implicit in ‘routine’, “I was sick of the same routine ...”

Well, you can't call it much of a routine anymore. I'm retired, there is nothing much else I can do, I don't feel like I need to explore anything else, I've done everything I've ever wanted too. I've been married, I've had children I've done it all, I don't see my children much anymore they're all grown up now and doing their own things. They come and visit me once a week, It's nice to catch up with them and see how they are. I'm really proud of them, James and Emily, they have a bright future, they are smart and ray of sunshine, it brightens my day when I see them doing so successful, they'll do me proud.

‘Doing so well’ or ‘Being so successful’, or even simply ‘So successful’, you have already said they make you proud, I would suggest you leave off ‘do me proud’ and lose the repetition, there are plenty of other phrases, such as ‘brighten my life.’

I always promised my Mother I'd write in this diary everyday no matter how old I got, I never forgot that promise. Anyway, I must be going now, I'm getting tired, the city may never sleep but I need too. Goodnight.

Thanks for the informative feedback, I'll take this all on board.

BrandonTheWriter
January 27th, 2013, 05:37 PM
I didn't relate to the main character's (MC) grief, loneliness or pain. I felt like more time was spent explaining the city and the MC's family ties, than his relationship with the "maid" and her passing, which is why he was depressed and suicidal, correct? Was he suicidal, because he was old and tired? Was he suicidal, because his family never comes to see him anymore? You stated, he see's them once a week, which confused me. Was he in pain and depressed, because the maid he knew for "many years" had passed away? How many years? A span of a decade? Why/how did she pass away? How did the MC find out? Also, what relationship does Christmas have to what the MC is feeling? Is it, because now he will spend Christmas alone, without his most favorite person, the maid? What was so bad about her passing and it being the holidays, for him to decide to end it all?

I really do like the plot you have created here. Mixing the holiday season, which is supposed to be cheerful and upbeat; with the less positive feelings of depression, sadness and pain.

Thank you for the feedback.

I'm glad you like the plot, I've discovered I've really got something here I just need to improve it.

QBD
January 27th, 2013, 10:26 PM
Hi there

I know it's a short story but there's not enough action for me. This is partly due to poor structure. You have three main paragraphs which makes it easy to identify a beginning, middle and end. All the action in this story should come from an emotional reaction to the protagonist but we don't learn enough about him in the first paragraph. We see what he's doing, but we don't find out early enough how old he is or that he's lonely. Move most of the third paragraph to paragraph one.

I agree with other comments that we need more about the cleaner and particularly the protagonists relationship with her, in order have a reaction to her death.

I'd really cut down on the detail of what he's doing in the first paragraph, make it brief, and spend the rest of the paragraph creating an image of him. Then in the third paragraph you can sum up his feelings by describing what he's doing, tying it back to the brief detail you gave in the first paragraph.

Hope that's helpful and not too scathing!

Olly Buckle
January 27th, 2013, 11:40 PM
When I wrote at the time it was quite late and I probably wasn't paying attention as much as I should have been.I think the lesson from this is review carefully before you post. I have made the same mistake in the past, posting something quickly because the ideas excited me, and found those exciting ideas simply didn't get across because people were looking at all my silly little errors I should have corrected myself first.