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Vitaly Ana
December 21st, 2012, 07:26 AM
Twice upon a rhyme there was a Christmas Star upon a pine. It fell one Christmas Eve towards little Johnny who was supposed to be asleep. It tapped the top white light which tripped the electrolytic capacitor site. All the light went dark, all was tense, all at once. Up on the tree, which no one could see, the star came rumbling down. The smart little boy was brave and refused to show a frown. Instead he thought and fought and found the softest biggest toy. Holding it high over his head, sat the courageous little boy. On Christmas Eve, by the bottom of the tree, Johnny saved the Star and Johnny saved He.

Don V Standeford
December 30th, 2012, 08:57 AM
Twice upon a rhyme there was a Christmas Star upon a pine. It fell one Christmas Eve towards little Johnny who was supposed to be asleep. It tapped the top white light which tripped the electrolytic capacitor site. All the light went dark, all was tense, all at once. Up on the tree, which no one could see, the star came rumbling down. The smart little boy was brave and refused to show a frown. Instead he thought and fought and found the softest biggest toy. Holding it high over his head, sat the courageous little boy. On Christmas Eve, by the bottom of the tree, Johnny saved the Star and Johnny saved He.

A little rough but not a bad piece of flash fiction. Some awkward areas are "Twice upon a rhyme" (We put up with rhymes because despite their invasive effect on the "reality" of the poem they sound pleasing to the ear. But when we start rhyming the word "rhyme" we're really pushing believability. I liked especially the image of a "tripped electrolytic capacitor site." That tongue twister makes such a story more interesting. "Johnny saved he" is also a problematic phrase. It's a convoluted phrase that serves only one purpose -- to rhyme with tree.

Thedancingswan
January 3rd, 2013, 09:59 PM
I think the title already reveal the plot to the audience? I think I can guess what will happen?

erusson
January 6th, 2013, 07:08 PM
Twice upon a rhyme there was a Christmas Star upon a pine. It fell one Christmas Eve towards little Johnny who was supposed to be asleep. It tapped the top white light which tripped the electrolytic capacitor site. All the light went dark, all was tense, all at once. Up on the tree, which no one could see, the star came rumbling down. The smart little boy was brave and refused to show a frown. Instead he thought and fought and found the softest biggest toy. Holding it high over his head, sat the courageous little boy. On Christmas Eve, by the bottom of the tree, Johnny saved the Star and Johnny saved He.

Your rhyme scheme is a little muddled, and the rhythm is off in places, e.g. 'It fell one Christmas Eve towards little Johnny who was supposed to be asleep'. Read it aloud to yourself and you'll hear the parts that don't work.

You'll probably get more help in the "Poetry" section of the forums as there will be more people posting there who know about poetry techniques. Maybe delete this and move it there? xx

Ever2222
February 16th, 2013, 10:28 PM
I agree the title is a bit revealing, maybe change it to Johnny's star. I do think it's a cute story, just maybe make it a little longer.

summergenevieve
June 11th, 2013, 01:43 PM
(We put up with rhymes because despite their invasive effect on the "reality" of the poem they sound pleasing to the ear. But when we start rhyming the word "rhyme" we're really pushing believability.

If the poem/flash fiction is aimed at young children then the rhyming wouldn't push believability, it would entertain children even more. Although if it is aimed at adults or young adults, I understand where you are coming from.

Gargh
June 11th, 2013, 04:24 PM
Twice upon a rhyme there was a Christmas Star upon a pine. It fell one Christmas Eve towards little Johnny who was supposed to be asleep. It tapped the top white light which tripped the electrolytic capacitor site. All the light went dark, all was tense, all at once. Up on the tree, which no one could see, the star came rumbling down. The smart little boy was brave and refused to show a frown. Instead he thought and fought and found the softest biggest toy. Holding it high over his head, sat the courageous little boy. On Christmas Eve, by the bottom of the tree, Johnny saved the Star and Johnny saved He.

Hi Vitaly, I like what you're trying to do here, crossing the prose/poetry boundary and it's sweet. It's the sort of thing adults would like to read to their children at Christmas. So, with that in mind, I would, personally, fatten it out a bit e.g.

Once upon a winter and twice upon a rhyme, sat a shining Christmas Star high up on a pine.

to tip it ever so slightly further over to the prosey side :star:

gusgus
July 4th, 2013, 03:36 PM
I think the scene is very magical. You can try putting a few more details though. :smile:

ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord
October 28th, 2014, 07:41 AM
It is a really beautiful scene, but it can be confusing in places. Try to touch it up a bit on the rhythm of the sentences. I also don't know what you mean by "Johnny saved He."