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View Full Version : The Deity Warriors- Advice Needed for fight scene



BlueApple813
December 18th, 2012, 09:09 AM
Disclaimer: Use of violence and strong language are present in this excerpt. This isn't a full chapter. Essentially, this is the first real decent fight in my story. Personally, I do not believe fight scenes are my forte, so I'm looking for some well structured advice on how to improve the excerpt I've included. Especially, if it's advice I can also use for future fight scenes. You can either leave a comment on the thread, or send me a message, either way is fine. Yes, I know, if you're trying to understand the plot and events/people leading up to this part, you'll be very confused. It's much farther into the story then what I've previously posted as threads. I'm strictly posting the part that deals with the battle. If you need more background info, or would like to see what was written following up to the battle, then I can happily send it to you through message. Thank you for any who take their time to give me some advice :)




The Sarge and another soldier named Bruce headed towards the tanks to bring them around front. I felt excitement. My hands itched to grasp the hilts of my swords and complete the task I was created to do. Except for the other Angels, I and the rest of our group headed to the roof, equipped with weapons.

Jo stayed behind with Madison, Rachel, and the children, along with anyone else unable to properly use a gun or bow, which turned out to be a small number, and they began preparing for the worst. The sky was dark and cloudy. It was like Mother Nature knew what was happening. We walked towards the front of the roof, my eyes set on the road leading to the building. The tanks rolled to the front, Mike standing on the one to my right, Torrin and Eirik on the other. All three equipped with guns and bullets, and Mika had her blades ready.

The sniper rifle and its handler, Carr, were stationed at the far right corner of the rooftop. Everyone else spread wide so as not to get caught in the cross fire. I stood in the middle, and just watched. Waiting. We all waited. It was eerily silent. The humans were anxious, a few were even afraid. If I were more empathetic, I'd understand.

It seemed like hours passed before I finally saw it. A group of vessels, at least 100 in number, if not more, rapidly heading towards us. The tanks revved up and the other Angels positioned themselves. It was nearly time. Reaching back, I grasped each hilt and removed the blades from their sheaths.

Wings spreading wide, preparing for flight, I bellowed, “Ready yourselves!” I heard the men and women position their guns or bows. There were about 20 of us all together. “Do not look and think of their faces! Remember, they're no longer truly alive! No longer truly human!” I raised my swords outward, “I will swoop down! When you see me do so, begin to fire.”

The vessels approached faster and faster. It was time. Knees bending, I jumped and soared downwards, towards my targets. Blue eyes fierce, I aimed for the middle of the group of vessels, silvered blades connecting and slicing through the dead, soft skin of necks. These vessels were new; blood spurted from their wounds, the bright red of fresh blood, and the liquid decorated my stark white wings, legs, and blades. I didn't care. I could faintly hear the whoosh of arrows, the popping of gun shots, and the whistling of Mika's boomerangs. Each time, I managed to maneuver myself around it all, aiming only for one thing: vessels. It was such familiar territory, what I was doing. I lost my human self briefly as I did everything I was created to do. All that mattered to me was the slicing and destruction of vessels. Every few moments, I killed a few, then I flew upwards just to dive bomb and do it all over again.

These faces meant nothing to me. All that mattered is victory; swift and sweet. I cared little about blood splatter. I cared about how fast the bodies were dropping: Like flies. Suddenly, as I was flying towards the sky to begin my dive bomb attack again, I felt a tug on my wing. Glaring, I saw a rather tall male vessel had grabbed a lower part of my wing.

Teeth clenched, I hissed, “No one touches my wings.” I turned my upper body around to where I was facing the vessel. Lifting my right sword, I struck downwards, slicing his arm off, followed by decapitating him with my left sword. I flapped my wings and flew straight towards the sky.

Staring downwards, I watched the tanks rolling over vessels, arrows protruding from others, and Mika using her handguns, while her boomerangs were in motion. While it felt and looked like we had slaughtered so many vessels, there were still so many to take down. I watched for a few moments as bullet after bullet, and arrow after arrow hit their targets. These vessels were somewhat intelligent, though ill equipped. Being controlled by lower angels, their motor skills, when it came to human weapons, were limited. The only weapons they'd know how to use were those created by the Deities. However, should one human be surrounded by more than 2 vessels, it would be lights out for said human. Angels of all rank were good at hand to hand combat.

There was a sudden itch in my shoulder blades, like a growing fire. Suddenly, frantic, I looked around and saw Jake who had somehow made his way to the ground. He was shouting my name and firing off bullets into approaching vessels. Then, my eyes widened in horror. A vessel was approaching him from behind, and quickly at that.

“NO!” I shouted, taking off like a rocket towards Jake. As I approached, he stared at me in disbelief, startled. With ease, I landed behind him and the vessel. One quick thrust, and I plunged my blade through its back, when I withdrew my sword, the vessel dropped to the ground, motionless. Jake stood there stunned. I didn't have time to wait for his shock to wear off, so I acted quickly. Wrapping my arms around his waist, I bent my knees as my wings prepared for flight, and flew, with Jake, towards the roof, at the back of the building. Last thing I needed was one of us getting shot, especially him.

romeo12
December 20th, 2012, 12:10 PM
I write loads of fights best part in a book tbh. Try talking more of the Angel in battle how she's um slashing through the enemy ranks 'I saw a figure charge towards me on my right,without thinking about it I swung my right blade,arcing upwards opening the (possed woman?) From groin to neck cutting through flesh and bone then spun around running my blade through a man behind me,driving my blade into his heart.removing blade blood spewing to the floor......soz using my phone to type so pardon the errors instead of going dive bomb attack describe the motion...and wat it does on impact then if u want she can 'voice the special move' hope this helped

Arcopitcairn
December 20th, 2012, 03:44 PM
I'm not super-good at this sort of thing, but here are some suggestions.


The Sarge and another soldier named Bruce headed towards the tanksto bring them around front. I felt excitement. My hands itched to grasp the hilts of my swords and complete the task I was created to do. Except for the other Angels, I and the rest of our group headed to the roof, equipped with weapons. (I might slow this down, add more description, set the scene a little more, from the main character's point of view.)

Jo stayed behind with Madison, Rachel, and the children, along with anyone else unable to properly use a gun or bow, which turned out to be a small number, and they began preparing for the worst.(More fear and tension among the weaker fighters?) The sky was dark and cloudy. It was like Mother Nature knew what was happening (What does the main character see that mother nature saw?). We walked towards the front of the roof, my eyes set on the road leading to the building. The tanks rolled to the front, Mike standing on the one to my right, Torrin and Eirik on the other (Are the tanks on a roof?). All three equipped with guns and bullets (Three tanks or three people? No need to say they have guns and bullets. If they have guns, they probably have bullets.), and Mika had her blades ready.

The sniper rifle and its handler, Carr, were stationed at the far right corner of the rooftop.(Carr, the sniper, was stationed...) Everyone else spread wide so as not to get caught in the cross fire. I stood in the middle, and just watched. Waiting. We all waited. It was eerily silent. The humans were anxious, a few were even afraid. If I were more empathetic, I'd understand.

It seemed like hours passed before I finally saw it(From over the horizon, the enemy marched into view? Something along those lines?). A group (Small army?) of vessels, at least 100 in number, if not more, rapidly heading towards us. The tanks revved up and the other Angels positioned themselves. It was nearly time. Reaching back, I grasped each hilt and removed the blades from their sheaths.

Wings spreading wide (I spread my wings), preparing for flight, I bellowed, “Ready yourselves!” I heard the men and women position their guns or bows. There were about(I would say how many exactly, then have the character think about possible hopelessness of situation?) 20 of us all together. “Do not look (at or) think of their faces! Remember, they're no longer truly alive! No longer truly human!” I raised my swords outward, “I will swoop down! When you see me do so, begin to fire.”

The vessels approached faster and faster. It was time. Knees bending (I took to the sky, viewing the full size of our enemy for the first time, and I picked my targets?), I jumped and soared downwards, towards my targets. Blue eyes fierce (Your main character would not think of his (Her?) own blue, fierce eyes in this way. Keep it about what he sees and thinks, not his appearance. He does not see his own face, but he can consider how he feels.), I aimed for the middle of the group of vessels (Come up with a couple 'main character observational' terms for the enemy, like 'things' or 'abominations'. Vessels is overused in this excerpt.), silvered blades connecting and slicing through the dead, soft skin of necks. These vessels were new; blood spurted from their wounds, the bright red of fresh blood, and the liquid decorated my stark white wings (Your main character should not self-describe, like 'stark', or 'white'.), legs, and blades. I didn't care. I could faintly hear the whoosh of arrows, the popping of gun shots, and the whistling of Mika's boomerangs. Each time, I managed to maneuver myself around it all, aiming only for one thing: vessels. It was such familiar territory, what I was doing. I lost my human self briefly as I did everything I was created to do. All that mattered to me was the slicing and destruction of vessels. Every few moments, I killed a few, then I flew upwards just to dive bomb and do it all over again.(Whatever was human in me was lost for a moment and I surrendered myself to the blind destruction of the enemy. I threw myself into the carnage, returning to the sky, and diving into the fray again and again, as if I were drawn to some strange magnet of death.)

These faces meant nothing to me. All that mattered is victory; swift and sweet. I cared little about blood splatter.(Their screaming faces meant nothing to me. I was covered in their filthy blood, but every evisceration, every dismemberment, every time I freed one of their heads from their bodies, all those things, those terrible things...they cried only victory in me, swift and sweet.) I cared about how fast the bodies were dropping: Like flies. Suddenly, as I was flying towards the sky to begin my dive bomb attack again, I felt a tug on my wing. Glaring (Would not think of himself as 'glaring', maybe? Just say 'I saw'.), I saw a rather tall male vessel had grabbed a lower part of my wing (Perhaps touch upon the indignant feeling your main character has at being manhandled by one of these creatures. Maybe an imperious streak.).

Teeth clenched (Not sure about this one, he might just simply say, 'I said'.), I hissed, “No one touches my wings.” I turned my upper body around to where I was facing the vessel. Lifting my right sword, I struck downwards, slicing his arm off, followed by decapitating him with my left sword.(My right blade removed the things offensive hand, and for good measure, my right sword took his head, which had a rather surprised look as it tumbled through the air) I flapped my wings and flew straight towards the sky (I returned to the sky).

Staring downwards, I watched the tanks rolling over vessels, arrows protruding from others, and Mika using her handguns, while her boomerangs were in motion. While it felt and looked like we had slaughtered so many vessels (The creatures), there were still so many to take down. I watched for a few moments as bullet after bullet, and arrow after arrow hit their targets (If he watched for a moment, have him wax poetic about the horrible ballet of the battlefield, or something along those lines?). These vessels (Things) were somewhat intelligent, though ill equipped. Being controlled by lower angels, their motor skills, when it came to human weapons, were limited. The only weapons they'd know how to use were those created by the Deities. However, should one human be surrounded by more than 2 vessels, it would be lights out for said human. Angels of all rank were good at hand to hand combat.(Is your character thinking these last few sentences?)

There was a sudden itch in my shoulder blades, like a growing fire. Suddenly, frantic, I looked around and saw Jake who had somehow made his way to the ground. He was shouting my name and firing off bullets into approaching vessels. Then, my eyes widened in horror. A vessel (One of the things) was approaching him from behind, and quickly at that.

“NO!” I shouted, taking off like a rocket (May not think of himself in rocket-like terms.) towards Jake. As I approached, he stared at me in disbelief, startled. With ease, I landed behind him and the vessel. One quick thrust, and I plunged my blade through its back, when I withdrew my sword, the vessel (Creature) dropped to the ground, motionless. Jake stood there stunned. I didn't have time to wait for his shock to wear off, so I acted quickly. Wrapping my arms around his waist, I bent my knees as my wings prepared for flight,(Someone who could fly would probably just say I grabbed him and flew him to the roof. Bending knees and wing preparation sounds odd to me.) and flew, with Jake, towards the roof, at the back of the building. Last thing I needed was one of us getting shot, especially him.


These are just suggestions, and I hope I've not offended you. Feel free to tell me to shove off:)

heir_of_isildur0
December 21st, 2012, 11:07 PM
In my experience, fight scenes sometimes tend to get a little too technical. Another member suggested a "came from the right, I hit to his left" sort of thing. I agree and disagree with this because it can become muddled and take the reader away from the book while he/she is trying to figure out exactly how the fight went down. I would advise to input some of this but with a grain of salt. Keep it in check enough to where you can easily tell with flowing words.