View Full Version : Athraigh (part 1) (Mature)

December 13th, 2012, 08:33 PM
So before we start I must apologize about not posting my other writing project: Heathen days.

I was meant to post it all before Halloween but... maybe next year. It's been pretty Hectic lately so it will probably take a while just to finish this one. However with that out of the way let's begin, oh I should warn you that this project is going to be a little weird and quite longish. I hope that's ok with you.

Charlie stands behind the corner of the school gym, leaning to the side a little; so that he can lookout. Charlie is not usually timid, but his feet start to shake when he catches sight of a girl. She's a young blonde girl in the same middle school year as him and she sits down on a bench in front of a oddly unimpressive tree. Charlie sends his back to the wall and breathes in deep before step out from behind the building and walking towards the girl.

"Hey Emma, how are you?" A little shaky, but so far not bad. The blonde girl called Emma looks up and smiles at Charlie, although her face doesn't brighten up much, she decides to say "Your Charlie aren't you? I'm fine, but what do you need me for?" Charlie swallows and breathes in deep enough to almost cause hyperventilation. Realizing that the conversation has stopped dead he starts talking again, but slowly so that he doesn't begin to panic. "Well Emma i'm going to ask this straight away" Emma looks at Charlie with a little more interest before he continues. "Will you go out with me?" Emma smiles but it's not a nice smile or a false one, it's a more malicious smile and before Charlie even knows what's happening he gets lifted off of the ground by a large figure behind him; a gruff but badly pronounced voice sounds out "Wat are you tryin' to do wit' my girlfriend?" Damn thought Charlie. Not only is this girl taken, she's taken by a big high school-er. He must be at least three years older than us. Charlie pondered for a moment, whilst still dangling in mid air, whether or not to treat the young adult like he had the same amount of brain power or less before finally deciding on less. "I thought she was single, but obviously I was mistaken and I think if you let me leave now then we won't see each other again and it will be like nothing happened." Charlie said this calmly and with an added hint of contempt, but in reality he was really holding back the tears; however he knew that crying would do nothing and it would be better to leave quietly and cry at home. However the teenager standing behind him didn't seem to want to let this go easily. "You stay the 'ell away from my girlfriend, you 'ear!" he yelled into Charlie's ear. "Yeah I hear you just fine." Charlie replies, doing his best to keep everything bottled up.
"Then sta' away!" The teenager yells this as he slams Charlie to the ground. The taste of blood in Charlie's mouth is enough to finally make him crack. "Typical bloody thug" he says curtly. Charlie looks around but the other students have backed off completely and it didn't look like help was coming. "Wat you say, little prick?" The teenager from behind him asks this question and it drives Charlie over the edge. As he picks himself up he looks straight into the teenagers eyes, so as to challenge the dog he is. "I don't need to repeat what I said because it was an insult" Charlie says before continuing with "but since you didn't understand let me add another insult. I hope you fail in life, you stupid dropout. Because one day people will see you for what you are. A thug on a leash of some child my age, because she has more brains than you." He let's the last word drag on to leave impact. Not that it matters as the high school "student" is lumbering towards Charlie with a raised fist, he grabs held of Charlie's shirt, causing him to flinch slightly as the teenage says "listen kid, my name's Rob and I'm the best boxer at Cameron High School. So if you think-"
"drop dead" says Charlie. "I bet your just a bum who wastes his time picking on people who are smaller than him" The anger in Rob's eyes flash truth for Charlie and as he sees Rob pull his fist back for a killing punch, he grabs hold of Rob's face and bites his ear. A howl of pain sounds out in Charlie's ear as the metallic taste of blood once again fills his mouth. He bites down harder and something on Rob's ear becomes loose and falls out causing Charlie to swallow it. Rob heaves with all of his wild fury and manages to throw Charlie to the ground. He panics and starts clutching at his ear with both hands while Charlie runs away. "You bit my piercing off, if I ever find you I'm going to kill you, I'll find you and kill you!" Rob shrieks after Charlie. But Charlie is long gone.

Charlie holds his head down, completely distraught. Not one person helped or went to get a teacher and the whole time Emma was giggling cruelly. He walks across a bridge that attaches his town to the city where his resides. When he was a lot younger it was just his town he knew of, but somebody decided to build a bridge and it connected the city together with the small little town. Now a lot of city people have come to the town and there's talk of the town being swallowed up by the city. Trouble seemed to be wherever Charlie was. The rumbling of a car sounded behind Charlie, as he looked around he saw a red mini cooper heading down the bridge. It pulls up next to Charlie and stops completely before the cars window goes down with a buzz revealing a young man.

The young man looked to be in teens, no older than twenty but no younger than 17. But what was interesting about him was that he held a display pad in his hand, which he moved towards Charlie and it began beeping. Charlie steps back slowly, so as not to startle the strange young man, however this caused the beeping to stop. The display pad is moved from left to right and right to left slowly before being put on the car seat next to the man. The window goes up slowly, all the while the man is staring at Charlie, before the mini cooper jumps back to life and reverses away. That guy couldn't be any weirder Charlie thinks to himself as he starts to walk again. However he stops as an engine roars and the mini cooper is hurtling towards Charlie, thoughts explode in Charlie's mind, what the hell is he trying to do, why is he doing this, why does it have to be me, but all the thoughts collide together in an explosion and scream at him to get out of the way fast. Charlie jumps to the side and hits the floor with a thud, the car shoots past and nearly clips Charlie's foot. Instinct forces Charlie back to his feet as the car begins to reverse towards him with glaring red lights. He runs around the car and keeps on running whilst the driver changes gears. A rumble from behind indicates the car is in motion again. But Charlie keeps on running without looking back and continues running even when he escapes the bridge, even when he can no longer hear the mini cooper, he keeps running until he turns a corner and finds himself at his house.

After cleaning himself up, Charlie leaves his room and begins to walk downstairs. As he touches the first step his father's voice calls out "Dinner time, Charlie!"
"Ok!" He calls back to his father, reaching the bottom of the stairs he turns and enters the Dining room.

Sitting down at the table Charlie looks across the table at his father. There is a plate of food in front of his dad and a plate in front of him but there was another plate to the right hand side of them both. "Dad?" Charlie asks "why are there three portions of food?"
"Oh I forgot to tell you didn't I? We had our dinner made for us today by someone else who will be joining us, I thought it might be nice for you to have another friend since I thought you were getting lonely. His name's Jaden Wulf" The dad replies enthusiastically. Just then a young man with medium-short dark black hair walks into the room wearing an apron, it's the same young man who was in the mini cooper. Charlie jumps up out of his chair and shouts "That man tried to kill me!"
"What?" His father asks "is the food poisoned?"
"I'm so sorry, it must be the beans; I never should have added them Mr. Reed" says the young man called Jaden in a sad tone. "Wait, how does that even make sense?" shouts Charlie.
"Yeah, first of all call me Alex, second, it's a full English meal how can it be eaten without beans and still be a full English meal." The father exclaims wildly.
"I should have made a Chinese" says Jaden in the same sad tone.
"I like Chinese takeaways" begins Alex Reed "but I always get the feeling there's something weird about them"
"They put dogs in their pudding?" Says Jaden meekly.
"They put what in their what now?" Asks Charlie's father. All the while Charlie stands dumbfounded at the conversation taking place. " It's like Korea puts dogs into their milkshakes." says Jaden. Causing Alex to confidently reply with
"Oh, I agree milkshake relationships between China and the rest of Asia are doing considerably well right now. It's like the wine relationship between England and France."
"Milk eat Milk?" Questions Jaden.
"One thing you have to remember is that when you die people can dig you back up and see what you've been eating" Alex says sagely. "Paleontology?" Jaden asks what must be his second outrageous question.
"Have you ever traveled anywhere Jaden?" Alex asks breaking the flow of whatever conversation was going on.
"Paleontology on Mars?" is the third weird question from Jaden.
"I've been to Florida myself" states Alex Reed.
"Bermuda triangle" says Jaden Happily
"Never mind what sound triangles make" Alex exclaims.
"Maracas!" Shouts Jaden happily
"What the hell are you two talking about!?" Shouts Charlie frustrated and at his wits end.
"Public relationships" says Jaden.
"Between America and Canada" Says Alex
"What on earth does that even mean?" Charlie whispers as he drops to the floor
"By the way Charlie how did the confession go with that girl?" Asks Jaden, whilst smiling at Charlie.
"How the hell do you even know that!?" Shouts Charlie as he jumps back to his feet.
"Oho~ old enough to be pulling the moves on the women now are we, Charlie" says the dad knowingly. "You children grow up so fast these days."
"Like bamboo" Jaden adds before getting out the display pad again and saying "by the way you have something I want and I need it back."
"What?" Asks Charlie but he jumps back when he sees Jaden holding a surgeons knife in operating clothes.
"I'm sorry Charlie but hold still, I promise it won't hurt much" Jaden says returning to his original sad tone whilst walking towards him, brandishing the knife. Charlie takes off and Jaden runs after him, they duck and dive and circle around his each other. "No playing house at the dinner table" says Alex as he begins to tuck into his meal.


Part 2 will be coming soon, so if your a little confused sit tight until then.

December 14th, 2012, 10:06 PM
Weird is a good word to describe this. Not bad weird, just weird. There are a lot of simple grammar mistakes but I assume you haven't taken out the fine-toothed comb on this one yet. Be sure to do that at some point.
On the less technical side, I liked the tempo and flow of the first half, but once you enter the dinner scene, the dialogue feels a bit cumbersome. You may benefit from setting up the scene that Charlie is watching and say something like:

Charlie watched as his father and the stranger bounced nonsenes back and forth

"I should have made a Chinese"
"I like Chinese takeaways"
"They put dogs in their pudding?"
"They put what in their what now?"
"It's like Korea puts dogs into their milkshakes."

This may not be a technically correct method, but I've noticed one of my favorite authors, Cormac Mcarthy, does it frequently to provide a smoother and more enveloping scene.
Otherwise my only suggestion would be to start smoothing out those grammatical wrinkles.

December 15th, 2012, 09:17 PM
I was trying to find a way to make the dialogue in that scene less weighty, but that might work. Thank you very much!