View Full Version : (C.2) I can’t leave her alone

December 9th, 2012, 10:53 PM
“You said that after you mother started having problems with her health, you couldn’t travel anymore. But you also said that when your brother passed away you went to India to scatter his ashes in the holy river.”

“That was an extreme situation, and it only confirmed my point. I left her with a cousin from my father’s part of the family. I didn’t think about it too much at that time. I knew I had to take Hrday’s ashes to India, and I was not worried about my mum. I should have been, I know, but I wasn’t worried about her, or about myself, or about anything else. I had only one thing on my mind, I had to take my brother’s ashes to India on time.”

“I see, I remember you saying you had a deadline.”

“That’s right, I couldn’t wait any longer, I had a task to accomplish, and I was completely focused on it. My mum seemed to be okay, she is always so strong. Of course, she cried and mourned at the funeral ceremonies we had in Brazil, and in the days before I went to India, but she is always so strong and wise. Every time I had to travel in my life she always told me ‘Go, Vilma, don’t worry about anything. I will always be here when you get back. You have a home to come back to, and I will be here for you.’”
“My brothers also didn’t say anything about me going to India. Now, looking back at that, it seems quite strange. They should have said something, but they didn’t. I supposed I was so determined to do it that they didn’t dare to stop me. I was the bearer of my brother’s ashes and they knew it.”

“They knew you and they knew your brother.”

“Everybody was in shock. Hrday left us so suddenly. I’ve never mentioned it to you before, but the Italians were the ones who paid for my ticket to go to India. I only paid for the ticket to Italy. My brothers and mum could see that everybody in the world knew I had to take his ashes to India.”

“But of course you kept in touch with your mother while you were in India, right?”

“We tried, we talked some, but not a lot. Two things happened. First, I gave my mother the cell number for my ex, and he was with the Italians all the time, not with me. As I mentioned they were not always in the same places I was. My ex took them to Agra, to see the Taj Mahal, and to Delhi to go shopping, they also went on pilgrimage without me. So, many times when she called my ex’s cell phone I wasn’t there with him, and she was just able to talk to him. It was a shame, but he was able to pacify her, and he said to her that I was okay, and that the ceremonies were going great.”

“You said that something else interfered with your communication with her.”

“Yes, that’s right. She had a fifth chakra thing. She lost her voice, it was the first time in my life I saw her losing her voice in that way. I suppose it was her way of not allowing herself to let anyone see the emotional roller coaster she was going through. The few times we were able to speak I could barely hear her voice. She was really hoarse, she couldn’t speak well, though she tried really hard, poor thing. I felt so bad for her, but what could I do from India? I remember thinking then that it was a fifth chakra thing.”
“Eduardo, my brother who lives in America, always called me on my computer, and he was also worried about mum’s voice, but he kind of knew it was just an emotional thing, as I did. Somehow we all were just waiting for the ceremonies to be over and things would be back to ‘normal’ in Brazil. As if my life would be ever normal again without Hrday.”

“You are doing pretty well without him, I suppose.”

“Me? Do you think I am normal? You’ve said yourself many times. I am not normal, not all. I never was, and never will be. Especially now without Hrday.”
“Anyway, after I came back to Brazil my mum’s voice was still pretty bad. In the first few days she still couldn’t speak, but she managed to say to me that it was really hard for her to stay with that cousin.”


“Well, don’t get her wrong. She was grateful she could stay here, but that cousin is too talkative. Besides she belongs to that religion with have in Brazil that believes in spirits. It is kind of complicated. She kept cleaning my mum’s aura, and doing really weird things to her. My mum doesn’t like these things. She felt uncomfortable, but she didn’t complain, and allowed my cousin to do all that stuff.”

“I don’t know much about that religion.”

“Me neither. That’s why I wanted to make sure no-one in Brazil would try to get in touch with Hrday after the ceremonies we performed for him in India. The first thing I did when I came back was to show my cousin the videos I had of the ceremonies, and explain to her the meaning of them. I said: ‘You see, Valter is gone. He is not on the astral plane. He is gone for good. No-one can reach him now or ever again. I made sure that he got everlasting freedom. So stay cool, and leave him alone.’”

“What did she say?”

“Well, she also knew Hrday was a very special soul, and she said only special people could achieve everlasting freedom. She said I could always count on her if I needed to travel, and I said ‘thanks’, but I thought, ‘in your dreams’. I knew I’d never leave my mum alone again.”

“Oh, I see your point, now, Vilminha. But, still, you should think of something, you know.”

“No, Sam, I can’t. I am sorry, I can’t. She is my responsibility. And this is not a bad thing. I love her, I do. I am grateful, I told you, she gave me so much love. She served me for so many years. I will never be able to repay all she did for me. Actually God is giving me the chance to do something I always wanted to accomplish. Something… something you wouldn’t be able to understand.”

“What’s that?”

“She always wanted to have a girl, but not me. I wasn’t the girl she wanted to have.”

“Why would you say that?”

“I have my reasons. The way I behaved all my life wasn’t what she expected in a daughter. My marriage gave her no grandchildren, and my travels abroad left her worried for me. I don’t think I was who she wanted me to be.”

“But now you are.”

“Am I?”

“We are not supposed to be what our parents want us to be. We’re supposed to be ourselves, that should make them proud on its own.”

“But I wish I was what she wanted me to be. And I am working on it.”