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View Full Version : Tightening up script



Max22
December 8th, 2012, 11:33 PM
Hi everyone, I'm not new to this forum, but I've never posted in this section before. I've been working on a detective story for a while, I intended to write it as a novel but I've recently entertained the idea of writing it as a script. I've wrote a few pages but I really want to nail down my plot properly before I continue (I've changed parts of it so many times!). Is it OK if I post my plot points below and get a critique?

I understand this idea is very basic and maybe a bit too simplistic as one thing just leads onto the other without much complication. I would really appreciate any input with this.



The crime: A young woman’s house has been burnt down with her inside. Her body is found beaten and tied to what was suspected to be a chair.
The woman is identified and found to be an employee at a hotel bar. They speak to her manager who confirms she finished work at 8pm and left. Other staff claims they saw her return to the hotel around 11pm with a man. Hotel CCTV confirms both these times and reveals she went into one of the hotel rooms with the man. Records reveal who this man is, the police interview him.
He claims that she refused to have sex with him and then received a phone call telling her she had to return to work. He reveals she worked at a strip club. CCTV confirms her leaving the hotel alone at midnight and the man going to the hotel bar and drinking their alone until 4am. He then leaves the hotel.
At the strip club, the detectives discover she arrived at work at 8.30 and left at 10.30. She returned around 1am to meet with a dangerous man who is a regular at the club. She then left with this man. The owner begrudgingly gives up the name of this man.
The police interview said man, but his father provides an alibi for him. The father claims he knew the woman was trouble and had one of his men drive her home around 4am. He gives up the name of his driver.
The detectives talk to the driver and he reveals that he did drive the victim home, but she forced him stop the car and said she would walk the rest of the way. He did not stop her from doing so. There is no proof this happened.
Since the fire is estimated to have began around 5am, there is no record of her movements after she left the car and between the fire starting. She could have returned home safely or something else may have happened - did she meet the killer on the way, etc.
The following day, a striper informs the police that the victim rang her and claimed the dangerous man harassed her over the phone and said he would come her to her house.



So there are three suspects, the man in the hotel, the dangerous man and the driver.

I'm planning on this becoming a serial killer story, where the victims are random individuals and the killer sends note to the police - in a similar way to The Zodiac Killer. The events above would cover about the first 30-40 pages.

Thanks,
Max