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View Full Version : Chapter of Tilian, for a mature audience (Language)



Michaelj
June 16th, 2012, 04:01 PM
Its linked in with a previous chapter I posted called "Braddur". I say mature
audience because the last scenes are quite disgusting tbh and I'm surprised with
myself for doing it! Please tell me what you think of the story in general, is
the mc a cretin for example?

I can not stress enough about how brutal some of the scenes are the end are. If you think it's OTT, please let me know. I don't wish to offend anyone.
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Tilian Paige didn’t plan to run away.

However seeing the horde of barbarians marching towards him almost made him shit his breeches and before he knew it, his legs had a mind of their own. Everyone was so focussed on the enemy forces that they didn’t even notice him slipping away. Technically it wasn’t even his fault. If that fool, Sergeant Clover didn’t scare the living hells out of him with that story of his then why would he of run away? I’m a bleeding deserter now, thought Tilian, now there’s only the rope waiting for me. He could never go back now, never.

Tilian had hoped he would come across more deserters during his escape. Unfortunately the only deserter he came across was a man from the 25th who seemed to twitch uncontrollably every time he was spoken to.

“M-my n-name c-corporal is Desmond.” He twitched so badly that Tilian feared he was going to have a heart attack.

Tilian rolled his eyes. If this was the best he could find, then he might aswell make do. “Look I already told you. Stop calling me ‘corporal’, we no longer serve the army. Call me Tilian or Tills.” Tilian gave a reassuring smile.

“Y-yes c-corp… I m-mean sorry c-corporal. W-won’t happen a-again,” Desmond twitched.

Tilian frowned. Was this Desmond the type of person he had become? Tilian was already useless at everything else in life. And was he now a useless soldier aswell to top things off? He’d been seen as useless by everyone and everything throughout his miserable twenty seven years of life. Not even his parents had wanted anything to do with him; sending him to an orphanage when he was only three years old. I might aswell have cunt tattooed on my forehead, thought Tilian.

The former corporal tightened up his greatcoat, slung his rifle around his back and had a good glance around at his surroundings. Tilian and Desmond were stood on a rocky footpath of a very steep hill as it overlooked the great snowy plains, looking desolate apart from the many snow covered trees and few frozen streams that populated the land. Far to his left was a frozen waterfall that sparkled as the cloud covered sun began to fall, surrounded by a steep and craggy mountain. Beyond the rocky footpath was a route to another treacherous looking mountain that seemed to be the more sheer and harsh mountain of the two. Boulders and small rocks made thunderous crashes as they shattered on the jagged rocks. It had stopped snowing early during the morning but the cold air still made Tilian shiver. Where the bleeding hells are we?

He couldn’t see any animals or vegetation he could use as food either. While he was living with the army, he’d see the occasional snow fox, woolly horse or rabbit wandering around. However the army always made sure that their men were well fed so Tilian had no need to hunt for food. Now was different. He needed to hunt for food or he’d die a slow and agonizing death but if he was foolish enough to retrace his footsteps then there was a good chance he’d run into his former comrades. They’re probably looking for me now, realised Tilian, if I bump into any of them then I will have to kill them. No questions asked. Wouldn’t want anybody ratting me out and bringing more people to search for me. He thought about who he’d enjoy to kill the most. Pleoh, Sergeant Clover or Selwin, Tilian admitted. Pleoh was a whiny little shit who was just a waste of space. Sergeant Clover thought he knew everything and always seemed to undermine everybody. And Selwin seemed to think everybody was his friend when he was just a mere little private.

“U-um, e-excuse m-me? C-corporal?” Asked Desmond.

“Yes, what’s the matter?”

Desmond twitched. “I-it will b-be n-nightfall soon. W-we should f-find s-some place t-to stay t-the night,” Desmond suggested.

Tilian waited until Desmond had stopped twitching. “And where the bleeding hells do you suggest staying?” Tilian didn’t know how to light a fire and he didn’t fancy sleeping in the open cold with no way of keeping warm.

“F-further ahead,” Desmond said as he pointed his shaking finger north, “I-in the mountains. T-there’s b-bound to b-be a c-crevice or a c-cave we c-could stay t-the night.”

Tilian almost face palmed himself, how was this bumbling fool able to come up with such an idea but he wasn’t? It was common sense. They’d move forward into the mountains and find a cave to sleep the night. Then in the morning they’d move out and venture deeper into Frostholme, until they could find some kind of civilisation.

The former corporal began walking towards the mountain beyond the rocky path. “Alright, let’s move on.”

Desmond twitched as he trailed behind, twitching as he looked around the landscape. “E-excuse me? C-corporal? D-do y-you think there’s a-any p-p-people in t-this area?”

Tilian grinned. “How would I bleeding know? But if anyone is foolish enough to confront us.” Tilian grabbed his rifle and displayed it to Desmond. “I take it you know how to use one of these?”

“O-of c-course. I’ve h-had training j-just like a-anybody else.”

Tilian frowned, he couldn’t even have a joke with this man. He sure wished it was Crazy Darel or Barclay walking by his side and not this twitching buffoon. It was no wonder that this cretin of a man had deserted his regiment. He couldn’t even hold a conversation, how in bleeding hells would he of been expected to hold his position in battle?

As the duo approached the mountain, a white eagle soared in the sky, half hidden by the cloudy sky. Tilian saw how the rocky footpath had continued on through the snowy mountain and how the snow started to cause the footpath to dwindle away. I better be careful, realised Tilian, one misstep and that could be the end of me.

And it started to snow again. Tilian was careful step by step but he struggled to see ahead of him as the snow pelted into his face. He almost slipped backwards but Desmond was able to catch him in time and prevent him from falling. They continued to walk and walk and almost slip as the wind shrieked.

“C-c-corporal?” Desmond almost shouted.

Tilian even struggled to see Desmond as they were showered with snowballs. “I’m over here! What is it?”

Desmond got so close to Tilian that he could see his anxious eyes. “Look!” He pointed above to where Tilian could barely see a small cave. “L-lets climb-“

“Are you mad?” Tilian interrupted, “Do you see how high it is? If we should fall…”

And he started to climb, leaving Tilian behind. Tilian saw how Desmond scaled up the jagged rocks and how his hands and feet were finding cracks and openings with ease. When he got to the top, he looked down. “Come on!”

Tilian hesitated and then he went for it. He jumped grabbing one of the cracks with his right hand and then he placed his left hand on another crack.

Then he slipped. He wailed as he banged his left leg on one of the rocks as he collapsed into the snow. “Bleeding fucking hells!”

“Jump up and grab my hands!” screamed Desmond as he leant down.

Tilian jumped, clutching onto Desmond’s bony arms. As Desmond pulled Tilian up, his feet found holes and gaps to aid him as he clambered upwards.

Desmond heaved Tilian one last time, pulling him onto another layer of the mountain. The two of them both tumbled backwards into the snow. Tilian stood up scowling, his left leg feeling like jelly.

Tilian saw light coming from the cave. He didn’t know why there was light coming from the cave but all that mattered at the moment was he needed shelter and he needed it now. “Come on, follow me!” yelled Tilian.

Both of them dashed into the small cave. When Tilian entered the cave, he noticed there were two braziers against the wall. There was also a furred rug of some white beast he’d never seen before, a straw mattress, a wooden closet and a wooden drawer. Somebody is living here, Tilian realised.

Desmond looked around in awe. “C-corporal? T-this is s-somebodies-“

“Yes, I’m aware of that,” Tilian said. But who is living here?

Tilian first inspected the wooden closet, forcing the sturdy door open. Inside was a heap of woollen and furred clothing. Tilian grabbed a furred coat from the pile. This will keep me warmer than my shitty excuse of a greatcoat. He first took off his rifle, placing it against the wall to the left. Then he removed his greatcoat, throwing it aside so all he had on was his violet coat with his corporal chevrons. He then put on the furred coat. It was a little bit large and awkward to wear but it was bound to keep him warmer than his army issued greatcoat.

Tilian then looked inside the wooden drawer, forcing open the drawer as it creaked. Inside was a portrait, a few copper coins, a few silver coins, a letter, a quill and an inkpot. Tilian firstly snatched the coins and placed them in his pockets. Money was always useful, especially in a country which he didn’t understand. He put aside the letter as he couldn’t read and besides even if he could, surely it’d only be in foreign gibberish anyway? He took the portrait and examined it. It was of an elderly man sat on a horse, looking belligerent with his sword and shield, yet at the same time looking noble with his golden clothing and golden jewellery. Tilian threw it into the brazier, watching the portrait slowly smoulder into ashes.

Tilian turned around and grinned. “You taken anything you might need?”

“U-um, w-what if h-h-he c-comes back?” Desmond twitched.

“Then he’s in for a bleeding surprise,” Tilian said, “We won’t stay here long anyway. We’ll leave as soon as the weather has passed. Find us a nice little town or village and live there for a bit. I got us some money, you see. Should be able to buy us some food and a place to stay for a little while.” Tilian sat down on the mattress, resting his back against the wall.

Desmond twitched as he sat down against the closet. “W-what if t-there’s more o-o-of t-t-them?”

Tilian considered that a moment. “We are soldiers,” Tilian went on, “Or ex-soldiers as we are now. They are people living up in the mountains armed with probably nothing worse than a shovel. Who do you think has better odds?”

“I s-suppose t-that’s true,” Desmond agreed.

And then a woman walked into the cave, her blue eyes wide open. She was a large woman that looked even larger because of her woolly coat. Tatters of golden hair had fallen out of her hood to fall over her thin eyebrows. She was holding in her gloved hands a stack of wood. She said something in a foreign language that neither Tilian nor Desmond understood.

Tilian quickly sprang to where his rifle was and aimed it at the woman, causing her to drop her stack of wood. “Desmond, walk behind the lass and push her further towards me,” Tilian ordered.

Desmond obeyed. He aimed his rifle as he crept with caution as if he was circling a lioness ready to spring on him. He stood behind the shaking woman and urged her forward with his rifle. “M-move!”

The woman moved closer to where Tilian was stood. I haven’t seen a woman in gods know how long, Tilian licked his lips. “Desmond, wait outside.”

“W-wait outside, c-corporal?” Desmond asked, confused.

“Yes, wait outside! Go!” Tilian snapped.

Desmond scurried away, leaving Tilian and this woman alone in the room. She’s a little large but she’ll do, Tilian grinned.

Tilian used his left hand to go under his new furred coat and to search in his utility belt for his bayonet. He took it out. The ten inch sharpened blade shimmered from the light from the braziers. He dropped his rifle to the floor, hearing it thud. “Lay down.”

The large woman didn’t obey. “I said lay down!” he screamed. Tilian placed his right leg behind the woman’s own legs and shoved her to the floor. He bent over and tore off her woolly trousers half-way down her legs, hearing her wail.

Tilian unbuttoned his breeches. “It must be a rare occurrence for you. Getting banged by a corporal from the Stormsand army. You might even have a wee little nipper inside of you, once all this is done.” Tilian grinned.

He laid on top of her, with the his bayonet still gripped firmly in his left hand. He started to lick her pale face.

Then she flung him off herself. Tilian’s cock dangled out of his breeches as he crashed headfirst into the closet.

Tilian was then finding himself being dragged by his legs, his head cracked on a rock as he got dragged back to the centre of the room. When Tilian opened his eyes he saw the woman with a smile on her face, holding his bayonet.

She said something in a foreign tongue and then stamped on Tilian’s cock, twisting it with the heel of her boot. Tilian cried in agony.

The large woman then stamped on Tilian’s ribs multiple times, causing them to shatter, taking the breath out of him. To top things off, she bent over Tilian and began to shit on his face, causing him to gag. She stamped on Tilian’s cock one last time before pulling up her trousers, picking up his rifle and walking out of the room.

It took Tilian a moment to get back to his senses. He sat up and spat vomit onto the ground. He then used his old greatcoat to wipe off some of the sick and shit off his face. Tilian stood up but he felt a shooting pain in his left leg. Damn that bleeding fall earlier. He sobbed as the pain shot up to his ribcage. That fucking bitch is dead. He finally tucked his manhood back into his breeches. Thank the bleeding gods that it’s still intact, Tilian thought.

Tilian limped outside into the snow. “Where are you, you fucking bitch?” Tilian yelled.

He looked left and right but he couldn’t see Desmond anywhere. He didn’t have time to look for Desmond aswell as the woman, so Tilian decided he’d track down the woman first, get his weapons back and then find Desmond.

Tilian looked down at the snow and saw footsteps going right. Tilian limped as he followed the footsteps, feeling pain in every step he took. As soon as I find you, you fucking whore, I’m going to take my rifle back and shove it up your arse, thought Tilian.

And then he saw Desmond. Twitching and shaking from a noose around his neck, hanging off a ledge. Tilian approached it slowly when realisation dawned on him that he’d been set up in a trap.

Dozens of men and women all came out from behind rocks, ledges and corners, all with rifles aimed towards Tilian. All Tilian could do was raise his hands in the air.

Then he saw the woman he’d been searching for. Stood next to one of the riflemen, blowing a kiss at Tilian.

One of the men approached Tilian and said something in a foreign tongue.

“No speak.” Tilian waved his arms about. “Your language. I from Stormsand.”

The man lowered his rifle and looked at one of his men and spoke to him in his odd language. Tilian felt a pang of relief. It looked like they wouldn’t be killing him, after all. It was a shame for poor Desmond but Tilian would make sure to pray to the gods.

The woman nodded at the man.

The man looked at Tilian and then cracked his head with the butt of his rifle. Tilian was enveloped in darkness.

grant-g
June 16th, 2012, 10:34 PM
cool! I've never seen anyone like Desmond. :)

Oasis Writer
June 16th, 2012, 11:32 PM
Not a bad start, but I was not personally grasped or intrigued. Quite a bit stood out to me, and unfortunately, it wasn’t all positive.

First off, try not to focus so much on using expletives in descriptions. They do not enhance the story at all. In dialogue, they should only be used sparingly, and only if necessary to build drama or to help characterize a person, an item, or scene. They shouldn’t be the main focus though. The reason I say this is because the majority of the time that an obscenity was present, the language and tone of the story shifted and the descriptions began to sway in a negative tone. Yes, you said for a more mature audience, but I think it could have been done much better. The obscenities grew a lot more in the end with internal monologues and dialogues, and it became very distracting and didn’t help build the characters.

Second, be very careful with dialects and stutters in dialogue. Maybe vocalize the stutter in an action statement following the dialogue, or maybe use it once, but explain it a second time, using only the dialogue that would have been present to convey the message. It’s very distracting to have to work through, and can pull away from the empathy and tension within the scene if the reader is focused purely on deciphering the message and restating it into a workable feeling that they can use to move the plot along within their head. It also slows the pace of the story down.

The nitty-gritty of the spelling and grammar was okay, but try running it through a word processor, or shoot it to an editor. For instance, aswell is two words, not one. Small things like that. Transitional statements and proper punctuation, as well as proper sentence structures and paragraph structures for internal dialogue. Character development was a little lackluster, so I would recommend more focus on that. Otherwise, the progression of the story seems apparent and I wouldn't trash the story, per say, but I would focus it with the above, imo.

Keep working at it.

TheStory
June 16th, 2012, 11:34 PM
You may want to tag the thread title appropriately. There is much more than just language in this snippet.

Ok I believe I can throw in some advice about the character. The first thing you are in risk of doing is making your protagonist a caricature rather than a three dimensional character. He seems to have no redeeming qualities. Even the most terrible people have a good quality somewhere.

You may want to consider this. A character can have good intentions but do terrible things. In the reverse someone could be the most likable polite person at the surface but all for the wrong reasons and actually be quite despicable. People don't always do what they say or mean what they do. We are complex creatures.
It could be that it is to early in to show of the characters complexities but I'm not seeing it thus far.

A good thing you have going is the contrast between the two characters Tilian and Desmond. I also really like the idea of Tilian being a chicken shit with a superiority complex. So far I have the impression he thinks himself better than Desmond when it appears Desmond is the better person. I do like their interaction and that is what made me continue reading in the first place.

As far as the section with the stamping and deification. I could only tell you to cut it. If it is supposed to be humorous it doesn't work and if its supposed to be shocking, most people don't like being shocked just for the sake of shock. You want to manipulate your readers feelings. Being surprised doesn't really do much or make anyone feel for anyone.
Plus the biggest issue is I find it overly cartoonish in comparison. It immediately took me out.
Others could feel differently.

Overall the writing seems fine but don't take my word for it. I'm not great with sentence structure or grammar by any means. I only found one really redundant sentence.

As the duo approached the mountain, a white eagle soared in the sky, half hidden by the cloudy sky.

This could be written more like As the duo approached the mountain a white eagle soared half hidden in the cloudy sky. That way you don't have sky twice in the same sentence.

Overall I was entertained enough to read and my interest is peeked to see where this is going. You won me over in that regard.

Michaelj
June 17th, 2012, 12:37 AM
Thanks a lot for your replys. It wasn't me who put the "language" in the title, so I will ammend it as soon as possible. This was my first draft that took me a day, we all know that re-edits are where stories truly shine. So I will look at re-editing the structure and stuff.

Regarding the character of Tilian. He isn't the main character, he's just one of the main characters. I want people to despise him but also be entertained as they read it. The scene at the end "stamping on cock and twisting" was an idea I had as I drove my car to work (I'm most worried about that scene, I don't wish to offend people). In my chapter "Braddur", you see Tilian briefly but you don't see much into him. His chapters will though have a massive part in the overall story progression.

Thanks again for your replys.

TheStory
June 17th, 2012, 04:09 AM
Since you mentioned you don't want to offend people I'll have to bring this up.

What is your target audience? Because the content alone alienates a large section of readers, especially women. If your intention was not to offend people the subject of rape, even if it's unsuccessful, is always offensive. Especially when it adds little to the story. What is the purpose of this except to show that Tilian is unlikable? We already know he is not a good person. Does it effect the woman in a profound way that adds to character development? Or is this lady a throw away character? If she is then there wasn't much need for it. You run the risk of the story sounding fetish-y and for fetish purposes.

Higurro
June 17th, 2012, 03:46 PM
I'm hesitant to respond as I only skimmed over it, but a few things sprang out at me. The continual stuttering I found hard to read to the point of frustration. It could work, I suppose, but if I had a character with a pronounced stammer I wouldn't give them so many line of dialogue, particularly as at least of what he says doesn't appear to be of importance to the plot. A trait that strong would either be something that causes him not to speak, in which case you could replace much of what he says with body language, or it's something he's struggled to overcome, in which case I would suggest focusing more on his feelings and the mood of the scene in response to his attempts to talk.

Secondly, I didn't think the swearing added a lot. It's all very well to have a character who's shallow and vulgar (as I assume Tilian is) but the constant swearing makes him uninteresting, unsurprising. I would cut a bit of it out.

Lastly, the attempted rape scene. My feeling on this is that if it has to be in then you can leave far more up to the imagination. This should heighten the reader's disgust without being overtly unpleasant. Putting things bluntly, as you have done, means there's no mystery, there's nothing to learn or infer, and consequently, nothing to shock. Conversely, I could see a case being made for the most gratuitous and extreme explicitness, but only as a mechanism for showing the narrator's characteristics. American Psycho springs to mind here, but as that was a very specific context and ideal, I don't think it would work for your story (unless your story is about the perceptions and standards of the main character). That being the case, I would suggest here toning things down, leaving more to the imagination and being very careful not to mention anything that doesn't contribute in some way to the development of the characters or plot.

As I said, I only skimmed it, and part of that entails only the bad bits leaping out at me, so please don't take the negative tone as criticism in itself. Hope that's of some help.

Dave Watson
June 18th, 2012, 04:47 PM
[QUOTE=Michaelj;1531359]


Unfortunately the only deserter he came across was a man from the 25th who seemed to twitch uncontrollably every time he was spoken to.
I'd maybe change this to stutter or stammer, as a twitch is more a physical tic than a speech problem.


how in bleeding hells would he of been expected to hold his position in battle?
Should be "have".


Tilian even struggled to see Desmond as they were showered with snowballs.
Snowflakes maybe a better word, unless someone's actually throwing snowballs at them!


Tatters of golden hair had fallen out of her hood to fall over her thin eyebrows.
Not the best choice of word here. Maybe "strands" or "locks".


Tilian limped outside into the snow.
Not convinced he'd be walking anywhere immediately after having several ribs broken.

He looked left and right but he couldn’t see Desmond anywhere. He didn’t have time to look for Desmond aswell as the woman, so Tilian decided he’d track down the woman first, get his weapons back and then find Desmond.
Watch for word repetition.


I'd say it starts off well with the setting in the mountains and the suggestion of what's gone on before. Tilian is a suitably loathsome character, and while he no doubt deserves what happens to him, I think your description of the nasty scene is a bit rushed and comes off more funny than horrifying.