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Unseen
June 16th, 2012, 04:55 AM
Updated 06/18

Chapter One
Page One out One (1/1)

Everybody seems to like this story so here is the revised page one of Phaz. Some people might recognize the name. Thank you for reading and yes, there will be more shortly. Hopefully it'll become 'anticipated'. :)

(Title: Should have "Explicit" in it. If not, Mods please don't get mad. I changed it in edit. Says it in the title on one screen and not on the other so idk.)

(NOTE: The 'aggressor' is going to get a name don't worry. i just have a hard time choosing names for characters because I do indeed despise restraining a character to one name, except Phaz. Because, Phaz is four names technically :P So let's pretend all the blanks are filled out for entertainment purposes. Hell, name him John)

(Also: This is more or less just an outline. Focused on action [Because it's easy] I should def add some more defining features in there undoubtedly. But I'm tired and need sleep, so will do tomorrow thank you.)






Present day, Goddess' Cycle:

He had been foolish. Loosing count, not keeping track. Miscalculation and misplacement. He had not foreseen the dagger that now stuck out from his chest. Without hesitation he rips the blade from his chest, possibly sealing his fate. Now on one knee, He stabs the foot of his aggressor then receding the blade. Then in a second movement, as the aggressor's chin lowers from pain reaction, thrusts the blade upward through the chin.

As (Aggressor) lay motionless on the floor, Phaz attempts to stand, regain composure. He crumbles quickly back down to his knees as he bleeds profusely from his wounds. He lays down and thinks to himself “This is it … Payment for my evil. My 'Judgment Day' … If only I could go back … I'd never have freed that damned God!” … His consciousness fades.


Long Past, Devil's Cycle



The sun light pierce through the boards of wood that is his home. The sounds of children playing down near the river echoe across the valley. The small village already quite busy with the hustle of everyday life. Women tending to food and acquiring water from the nearby river. The men building new structures for the ever increasing population. Phaz arises and steps out in to the town center. The neighbors had been renovating their house for some time.

Nearly complete now, The husband\father tends to building the wooden roof while his wife sweeps the ground around the house. “Almost done, looks good!” Phaz said to the other man. Looking up from his work on the rooftop he looks down at Phaz and replies “Indeed, if it wasn't for these damn tools I'd be done already! Could you do me a good one and grab some supplies from Ira? The town to the west.” Climbing down from the roof and pulling his coin from his pocket. “This should cover it.” The man puts 10 coin pieces into Phaz' hand and a small list of materials to acquire.

“I'll have it back before nightfall.” Phaz replies. As he heads towards the horse stable a young girl runs up from behind him grabbing his hand and pulling. “Sister said she has something important to tell you after prayer.” The little girl said with a bright smile.

Phaz smiles back, “You can tell her I'll be there. Tell her I have something special that I have to tell her too.” Walking away he pulls a ring from his pocket, rare to come by. He examines the ring in detail. Praying that it fits her finger and of course, that she'll say “Yes”.




Past, God's Cycle

As Phaz approaches the source of the sound, He realizes the 'bush' he has been weary of is simply camouflage, But camouflage for what? He removes the foliage to come across a dark cage covered in moss. With a quiet roar and a quick leap from a shadow in the corner of the cage to the bars, A captive leopard stares in to his eyes with ferocity. After the few intense moments pass as the eyes transfer more than words. The leopard's expression calms as he settles on hind legs. The man kneels down to listen …

Without speaking, The leopard communicates in a form few could comprehend. “You human, You are not like the rest of them. They have falsely imprisoned me believing I am the same wild beast that roams this plane.”

I will speak with these … people. I'm sure they can be reasoned with.” He assures the leopard. And arises from his knee. With that, he was off to locate some one who could help the imprisoned leopard.

As he finds the nearby village, a severed head on a post greets him towards what could be considered more or less an 'entrance'. As he enters he sees the fairly famished family, dirty and soiled on their knees, essentially breaking their backs. They had their hands dug in to the mud to their wrists. Barely clothed, their back bones stuck out of their skins almost.

He continues through the ransacked village, noticing the horribly constructed shacks. Blood stains covered most porches were families have lost more than wealth. Built from mud and rotted wood, crawling with parasites. He approaches the center … There's a well fed and well kept tribe leader sitting in a polished chair made of quality material. He approaches and is halted by the tribe leader's body guard. He takes a few steps back and confronts the tribe leader.

“I noticed you had an entrapped leopard. I wish for his freedom and not releasing him now will lead to your demise.” He speaks calmly … counting the hazards. One longsword, equipped by bodyguard in front. Sheathed on his left hip. One dagger, Tribe leaders obscure pocket attached to chair. One bow resting off side, No visible equip-able arrows.

The tribe leader rises from his seat and laughs. Standing tall and quite large. Wearing a fancy chest piece. “You and what great army demands me to do so?” The leader signals his bodyguard to dispose of their unwanted visitor. The guard places his right hand on the handle of his flimsy long sword.

The man, using his left hand, pulls a small dagger hidden behind hid back. With one quick motion he unsheathed the blade and slit the approaching guards throat, striking the jugular. He then uses his right hand to handle a small circular and aerodynamic blade. Quickly throwing it in the direction of the tribe leader. Having done all this faster then the human mind could grasp the leader was caught with the spinning blade as it passed through him. The blade was razor sharp and thin but solid. The circular blade cut him at the neck. Aimed perfectly, it passed through the center of the tribe leader's neck and out the back.

The bodyguard lay bleeding profusely onto the ground, Gargling through blood for air. The tribe leader stood momentarily as his tribe stood in shock and awe. Slowly, the head of the tribe leader rolled forward off of the body. His body crumbling to it's knees first, then torso following.

The crowd of civilians that had gathered to witness the event stood in shock as their leader lie decapitated. “You're all free from his tyranny. Take what was his and replenish your village!” Phaz exclaimed to them. He examined the body of the bodyguard and obtained the key to the leopard's cell. When he returned he found the leopard still on his hind legs, awaiting his return with the good news.

Unlocking the cell door, Phaz frees the leopard. The leopard cautiously exited his imprisonment. “Our paths will cross again, human. Not too far from here there is a plane of tranquility, you shall meet us there.” And with that, the leopard leaps across the way, behind a tree and on until out of sight.




Present Day, Goddess' Cycle:

He awakes to a very soft, angelic whisper. “Awake … ” His sight fills with a blue glow. A goddess appears unto him. “You are our chosen one, The reaper of lost souls, The one who brings righteousness. The path you ran was filled with horror, yet all is fateful. You must now … walk!” She spreads her arms, casting a bright light, a portal of light.

Phaz' sight becomes filled with bright oranges and dark reds. His flesh feels as though he was burning in hell as he is 'transported', His soul transferring back to his physical body. The pain increases with intensity, and his sight becomes extremely red. Almost too much to bare, as it fades quickly to darkness … Slowly, light pierces through the darkness and his vision returns. He lay in a puddle of blood next to the corpse of his assailant. A scar across his chest, over his heart.

Grabbing his weapons he goes to find (the leopard). Who what where when.

Objectives: Find wizard friend to cast spell to ban the God (leopard). Create a love interest.



e corpse of his assailant. A scar across his chest, over his heart.

Fin
June 21st, 2012, 04:38 AM
Several grammatical mistakes, starting from the very first line of the story. A lot of it could be reworded as well.

You've managed to create an image of scenery in my head. A very vague one, but an image nonetheless. Other than that, I think you should have worked a little more of your story out before posting it here. As you said, it's just an outline. I'm not sure what to say about it. All I know is that this guy, Phaz, is going to try to kill a leopard for what seems to be an extremely silly reason. Actually, I don't even know the reason. It has left me believing that surely there must be more to the reason he wants this creature dead. Hopefully I won't be met with disappointment.

Unseen
June 21st, 2012, 06:28 PM
It's hard to tell (Kind of) but the first paragrapgh is the future. The story then goes back to unfold on how he got to that position. The leopard is a God, One of many. And while some are angelic, some are demonic in nature. This leopard is a cunning, devious God. He tricks Phaz in to rescuing him from captivity. He then later turns on him, Using Phaz as a sort of unknowing minion/pawn. Later on after he is doing doing the leopards dirty work. Phaz' brother (unnamed at the moment) reveals to him the leopards true existance. Well, now I'm just ruining the hwole story meow. Guess we will have to wait for more work to be completed on this project. ;)