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View Full Version : My first attempt of writing anything. (Language).



Apple Ice
June 15th, 2012, 09:16 PM
DISCLAIMER: ADULT LANGUAGE

Im sure there will be many problems to this but thats what you lot are here for i guess. I didn't really know what catergory it fell in but I kind tried to be funny here so humour it is. Ive written a lot more to this story but im only going to post this for now.


‘Tick tock, tick tock went the cursed clock. Every second mocked our despair. The teacher rambled about Stalin, and his truly evil crimes, but I thought his regime sounded like paradise compared to this cell of a classroom. Finally, the bell went, and all the students fled from Mr Cochrane, like a herd of zebra trying to evade a lion.’

‘Err yes well that was good Isabelle, just try not compare our teachers to a murderer of millions next time please.’

‘Yes miss, sorry miss, won’t happen again, miss.’

Mrs Trembath couldn’t hold back her wry smile ‘Oh just sitdown you stupid girl.’

I and Mrs Trembath had a rather exceptional teacher student relationship with each other and sometimes quite unprofessional, which was rare in my case due to me challenging teachers far too often for them to even think about not bitching about me in the staff room at break time. However, because I’m now in my first year of sixth form I only have to speak to 3 teachers,which is a welcome change for both parties.

At break I met my friends where I had done for 5 years – the benches and table next to the bin. Without fail they were all there eating peanut butter sandwiches and discussing who’s up to what and who’s a slag. I,with a lot of fuss, squatted myself right between Grace and Maria. Grace's perfume was overwhelming as always but it did replace the smell of the sandwich bin and was welcomed by the group (the bin was called that by the girls ever since grace had slipped on a sandwich and somehow ended up with her whole armin the bin). The group were talking about a girl in the year above who was unknowingly filmed while having sex with a boy.

‘Poor girl’ said grace.

‘That James is lucky that she even had sex with him. He’s such a twat for recording it.’

‘She’s a slag for even doing it in the first place though.’ Countered Claire.

Claire wasn’t a fully-fledged member of the group and would only sit with us occasionally which I decided was down to her snobbishness which is why I have no quarrel going into battle with her.

‘Tell me, Claire.’ Deliberately trying to sounding like somesort of 80’s detective. ‘Have you ever had sex?’

‘What?’

‘Have you ever had sex?’

‘Well yeah I have why?’

Maria rolled her eyes at this point knowing that I was about to “open a can of whoop-arse” as she so eloquently liked put it.

‘In that case, if one of your many sexual partners had recorded, unbeknown to you, you getting shagged and sent it to his mates, would you consider yourself a slag?’

‘Well obviously fucking not bu-’

‘If the girl had known she was being recorded I highly doubt she would have proceeded to get fucked by that prick. Excuse the pun. Don’t you agree?’ I interrupted.

‘Well yeah.’

‘Then shat up your face. If anything the boy should be the being ridiculed for recording an unsuspecting girl having sex, the creepy little perv of a man.’

Claire was visibly furious but decided not to pursue the argument because she knew that not only was I right but I could give 1000 different reasons why I was right on the matter or any other matter.

VancouverLady
June 15th, 2012, 11:57 PM
Haha, well I can tell you're not American/Canadian from your slang : ) It's always something I enjoy.

I thought you did a great job of making the dialogue natural. But two things that you could do right off the bat: watch tense, and make sure sentences are properly separated. It'll make everything a hundred times better. Here I'll show you:

‘Tick tock, tick tock went the cursed clock. Every second mocked our despair. The teacher rambled about Stalin, and his truly evil crimes, but I thought his regime sounded like paradise compared to this cell of a classroom. Finally, the bell went, and all the students fled from Mr Cochrane, like a herd of zebra trying to evade a lion.’

^^^ I changed a couple of other details besides the tense/sentence structure but not much. See how it's so much easier to read??

Kevin
June 16th, 2012, 12:39 AM
It's good. The first four paragraphs without dialog, and the rest with lots of dialog, were both well done. I wondered if you were using a dictating program, like Dragon because of the odd word connections and lack of commas. I only saw two words that seemed out of place (which for and) and one phrase which perhaps was said in the wrong order "..Well obviously effing not (Well, f--- ob-- not) but I'm not sure it's wrong. Anyway, the rest of it just needs a read through to get rid of the conjoined words etc. It made sense and was cogent. Watch out for the "f' -bombs etc. You can use them but you have to give a disclaimer. I'd go ahead and ask the mods in a pm to alter your title to include a warning(adult language). I've done it in the past and they were nice about it.-K

p.s.- Oh ya, I think I would seperate Mrs. Trembath's first dialog from the above paragraph.

Apple Ice
June 16th, 2012, 12:56 PM
VancouverLady, ahah i've always liked English slang. i changed it! thanks, i think thats helped it out a lot. i originally did it in third person but then changed it to first (not very successfully) which is why the tense is a bit messed up. Thanks for the feed back.

Kevin, thank you and i wasn't using dragon or anything like that, i just wrote it down very qucikly and im also not very good with grammar which doesn't help aha. I've put a disclaimer at the top just until i get it done properly. Also, ive changed the Mrs. Trembath bit, thanks!