PDA

View Full Version : Dreamers



Koechophe
June 15th, 2012, 02:51 AM
As most of you probably would guess, i'm not a vegetarian.


Anyways, I've been writing a book and would love some critique on my writing style. I believe it is young adult fiction, because, well, I'm a young adult and I'm writing it. This is a segment from somewhere in the middle, but I think it makes perfect sense if you have no idea what the heck is going on. Any and all comments are appreciated. Happy reading!

"Something didn’t make sense. These dreams, they weren’t peering in. I was able to participate. They had a home ready for me. I was able to talk to Kelly.
And Kelly was powerful. If this room was filled with the most powerful people, shouldn’t she be here?
In fact, the only person that seemed to be aware of me in the dreams was Kelly. And the mystic in this room used the same unnatural color of blue as Kelly.
I started to panic. “Where is Kelly?”
Tahk looked nervous. He began looking directly at the floor when he said “ There’s something you don’t know-“
“Oh really?” I said in my most sarcastic tone.
He continued as if I hadn’t spoken. “What you experienced is known as a lucid dream. You control many aspects of it. So when you dreamed, you did really peer in at this world. But you also, errr, controlled it and made the dream the way you wanted it to be. You made the dream be what you wanted it to be.” His hand was shaking. He looked so nervous that he may vomit.
“What are you not telling me?” I demanded.
Tahk let out a long, deep sigh. Then he said, very carefully, “Kelly doesn’t exist.”
The words stabbed me like daggers. I found my breath pulled away from me, almost as if someone had stolen it. Anger began coursing through me. I had been lied to again. It was her voice that they had used to call me here. They used my weakness, my interpretation, my dream. They used her, even though she didn’t exist. They used her to play me.
The darkness came again. I could feel it surrounding me, coursing through me. I could feel the raw power, and it wanted to attack. The desire scared me. This power was a beast. And it would gladly devour whatever I told it to. But I had called it and given it nothing to eat. And it was hungry.
It took all my will to restrain it. I pulled at it, tried to fight it. But it was like trying to keep a hold on sand. Try to grab too much, and some will slip through your fingers.
In the back of my mind, I saw the people from the table backing away. But I couldn’t focus on anything but the darkness. It was devouring the floor, the table, and was going to continue if I didn’t put an end to it. So I had to let it go. I let go of the darkness, I let go of the anger, I let go of the world around me. I just let go.

When I came to, I was in a large crater in the ground. I was on my knees. And I was sobbing uncontrollably. "

I also have a question. If I were to post something here, could someone take it and use it without any legal repercussions? Not that I think that would happen, but I was considering posting my entire progress in a file for whoever wanted to read it, and I wanted to be on the safe side.

Anyhow, thanks for reading!

newkidintown
June 26th, 2012, 06:03 PM
I'm just going to be blunt: your style needs a little work. Most of the sentences are very short and choppy, and there's not a ton of variety in structure. Also, avoid starting sentences with words like "and", "but", and other similar conjunctions. For example, you could make that last paragraph, "When I came to I was in a large crate in the ground, on my knees, sobbing uncontrollably."

As for your question at the end, I'm not sure, sorry about that.

I'll try to come back and do a more in depth critique later. In short, content was pretty good from what I saw (just remember to balance showing and telling, and that you know when it's okay to tell), but you need to work more on using correct style. I can't say much about voice for now, you'd need to fix your style first for me to get a clear view of what the character's voice is like.

Hope this helps!

oxumoron
June 26th, 2012, 06:58 PM
newkidintown (http://www.writingforums.com/members/newkidintown.html), I agree that it might be said "When I came to I was in a large crate in the ground, on my knees, sobbing uncontrollably" instead of "When I came to, I was in a large crater in the ground. I was on my knees. And I was sobbing uncontrollably." I don't doubt the truth of your analysis. But I would like to ask you a question. Has using either short or long sentences such an importance? Is not moving on more essential for the pleasure derived form the narrative? As for me I can't understand why the first is better than the latter. When I read the latter the scene is being vividly visualised

newkidintown
June 26th, 2012, 10:25 PM
newkidintown (http://www.writingforums.com/members/newkidintown.html), I agree that it might be said "When I came to I was in a large crate in the ground, on my knees, sobbing uncontrollably" instead of "When I came to, I was in a large crater in the ground. I was on my knees. And I was sobbing uncontrollably." I don't doubt the truth of your analysis. But I would like to ask you a question. Has using either short or long sentences such an importance? Is not moving on more essential for the pleasure derived form the narrative? As for me I can't understand why the first is better than the latter. When I read the latter the scene is being vividly visualised
When it disrupts flow, yes. For me, I found the overuse of punctuation distracting enough that the story didn't seem to flow well. Like I said, using short, simple sentences is fine, but they must be used correctly.

I was just suggesting the change I did because that paragraph seemed extremely chopped up (flow-wise). In the suggestion I made (and tell me if you think I'm wrong), the content is still there, but it's much easier to read and understand.

oxumoron
June 27th, 2012, 06:44 AM
In the suggestion I made (and tell me if you think I'm wrong), the content is still there, but it's much easier to read and understand. Yes, the content is still there. Perhaps it's even easier to understand than if it were in three sentences. But it is not the same. Let us take the original piece again. "When I came to, I was in a large crater in the ground. I was on my knees. And I was sobbing uncontrollably." What the piece means is that after coming to one first realises that one is in the crater, second one realises that one is on one’s knees, at last one realises that one is sobbing uncontrollably. The three realisations follow each other. They needn’t be at the same time. And they are not. I can realise first my location, them my position and thirdly what I am doing. Let us take your variant. "When I came to I was in a large crate in the ground, on my knees, sobbing uncontrollably". The three things come up simultaneously. One comes to realise them at the same time. The realisation doesn't come gradually. Can’t you feel it? Perhaps I am mistaken.

newkidintown
June 27th, 2012, 06:10 PM
Maybe we're just reading it differently; I don't think either of us was "mistaken". I think maybe it would be a good idea to agree to disagree here.

Matrowl
June 29th, 2012, 06:51 AM
I think your style with short sentences is interesting and I think you can make it work. Sometimes writers use a series of short sentences to create a feeling of disorientation or depict swiftly-moving events. Just make sure the reader gets a chance to sort of "catch their breath" with some slower narration, too.

snowbunny
June 30th, 2012, 05:07 PM
Your book is not Young Adult because you are a young adult, it depends on the style of writing and your audience.

It sounds good but It definitely needs some cleaning up. One thing I do is go through some of my favorite books, in the same genre that Im writing in, and I observe how they word things.

Heres a few examples of how I would clean this one up.

Something didn’t make sense . . . the dream . . . It wasn't like I was peering in, I was able to participate.
They had a home ready for me. I was able to talk to Kelly, and Kelly was powerful! If this room was filled with the most powerful people, shouldn’t she be here then?
The only person in the dream that seemed to be aware of me was Kelly. The mystic in the room used the same unnatural color of blue as her.
I started to panic. “Where is Kelly?”
Tahk looked nervous, he was starting down at the floor when he said, “there’s something you don’t know--“
“Oh really?” I snapped, abruptly cutting him off in a most sarcastic tone.
He continued on as if I hadn’t even spoken. “What your experiencing is known as a lucid dream. You can control many aspects of it . . . so when you are dreaming, you are actually peering into this world, but you also controlling it and making the dream what you want it to be.” As he finished I noticed his hands were shaking. He looked so nervous I wondered if he was going to vomit.
“What are you not telling me?” I demanded.

Anyway thats just an example of how I might clean that paragraph up. My favorite way to write is to first get the whole story out and then go back and do all the cleaning up. Good Work though : ) It sounds like it could be a very interesting story. :D

neatnickk
July 13th, 2012, 06:02 PM
Your book is not Young Adult because you are a young adult, it depends on the style of writing and your audience.

It sounds good but It definitely needs some cleaning up. One thing I do is go through some of my favorite books, in the same genre that Im writing in, and I observe how they word things.

Heres a few examples of how I would clean this one up.

Something didn’t make sense . . . the dream . . . It wasn't like I was peering in, I was able to participate.
They had a home ready for me. I was able to talk to Kelly, and Kelly was powerful! If this room was filled with the most powerful people, shouldn’t she be here then?
The only person in the dream that seemed to be aware of me was Kelly. The mystic in the room used the same unnatural color of blue as her.
I started to panic. “Where is Kelly?”
Tahk looked nervous, he was starting down at the floor when he said, “there’s something you don’t know--“
“Oh really?” I snapped, abruptly cutting him off in a most sarcastic tone.
He continued on as if I hadn’t even spoken. “What your experiencing is known as a lucid dream. You can control many aspects of it . . . so when you are dreaming, you are actually peering into this world, but you also controlling it and making the dream what you want it to be.” As he finished I noticed his hands were shaking. He looked so nervous I wondered if he was going to vomit.
“What are you not telling me?” I demanded.

Anyway thats just an example of how I might clean that paragraph up. My favorite way to write is to first get the whole story out and then go back and do all the cleaning up. Good Work though : ) It sounds like it could be a very interesting story. :D

Yes... I agree. The first post was more difficult to follow. Sounds like you have the baisc story but I would like more details about the room... it seems like you could create a btter picture of "the room" with a few more details. Good start!

Cat M.
July 27th, 2012, 03:36 AM
I'm hoping you can put the entire file somewhere!! I'm so curious- but, as was said above, let the reader come up for air every once in a while with longer sentences.

jakeocallaghan
August 1st, 2012, 11:26 PM
I liked it but as mentioned, you need to improve your style. Just changing sentence types will make a big difference.

Also focus on providing more detail, hence forming a picture in the reader's mind.

bazz cargo
August 5th, 2012, 10:03 PM
Hi Koechophe,
I enjoyed the snippet you posted here.
You could do with breaking up the wall of words by using spaces after paragraphs and between sections of dialogue.

You have planted an effective hook. The characters are a bit sketchy, mind you it is a small segment.
If you wish to practice writing, then flash fiction is a better bet than a long book.


FIY. No-one can use your work without your express permission. If you intend on publishing your work, remember posting stuff in the open forum is as good as publishing it, posting in the Writer's Workshop will keep it private.

Thanks for the read
Bazz