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View Full Version : Love, Lost & Drowning (Explicit)



Unseen
June 14th, 2012, 06:23 AM
Not very explicit. Not anything at all actually, But to be on the safe side I stamped that in the title. Either way. I hope you find love and can find interest in this story that i am hopfully continuing., COnstantly abandoning projects is a really bad habit opf mine. got to break it.


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“I heard you've been hurting yourself” I said with concern. “A pretty girl like you shouldn't be doing that to yourself” Not any girl. I seemed so obsessed with a complete stranger. “Instead of cutting yourself how about you come over, cut me if need be to satisfy your blood lust but not too deep, for how could I continue to show you love with no blood in my heart?”

Her eyes sparkled like I never thought I'd see in a human, such happiness. The “Tears of Joy” kind of feeling. Our hearts were beginning to melt in to one. It took our breaths away to look in to each others eyes. How could we have known … ?

The conversations led deeper until we reached each others soul. Until finally it seemed as if there was nothing left to discuss. “What do you wanna do?” She said so softly, seemingly innocent. I figured this could be the one thing I've awaited. Just one person to love.

“We could kiss” I said somewhat sarcastically with a laugh “Ha-Ha” I managed nervousley. looking in her eyes. She smiled … A moment followed I sometimes wish I could forget. My lips met hers with delicacy. Eventually the night followed and of course …

Came the morning. Early, bright sun pierces through the curtains from the window illuminating beauty, or so I saw. Her eyes fluttered open with an addition of a small grin. Could it be … No. Sometimes you see what you want to see. Your mind can be tricked in to thinking anything. As long as there is proper persuation you can force a belief unto anyone. Whether they like to admit it or not, every one has a breaking point, a limit that they get pushed behind that forces a break in their habitual lifestyle.

I could have been blind, It could have been a truth, It could have been a lie. I may never know and care not to. We said “Love” but the only thing that you could ever cause could only be described by your hateful heart. Hate of what? God could only know, but I can guess. Your hatred for the opposite sex. But why me? I would only ever be faithful and loving. How could I. How could you? How could we? There's all those questions. Only answer I ever know is that while I forgive I do not condone and will not forget. All the scars are a permanent reminder of your insanity. Our insanity.

Koechophe
June 14th, 2012, 09:10 AM
Heh, I have the same issue. Sticking with things. but my book is 5 chapters in, and it has me in a chokehold.

Anyways, I was a little bit confused by the "not any girl" at the beginning.

Also, a bit of your phrasing is somewhat awkward. "A moment followed I sometimes wish I could forget" would benifit from a that (a moment followed that)
"Like I never thought i'd see in a human" would sound a bit less clunky if you phrased it "Like I never thought i'd see in another human" or better yet, "Like I never thought I'd see in another person" I also would recommend replacing the coma after that with a period, as those seem like two seperate thoughts. Also, when you say "god could only know", it would fit the context better if you said "Only god could know". The way you say it, it sounds like god could only know that one thing, which I don't think is what you mean.

Also, at the start of the last paragraph, I would replace the comas with periods there too. Those seem like three distinct thoughts as well. And when you say "I may never know and care not to" it sounds incomplete somehow. Maybe if you said "I may never know and wouldn't care to" or "don't really care to" Or "dont care to"

These are just my impressions as a reader. I really like the way you developed the protagonist, you pull off the first person percpective pretty well.
Also, please excuse my spelling, it is late and I really dont want to care right now.

Thanks for the read!

Odon
June 20th, 2012, 12:33 AM
It was interesting. I didn't like the dialogue you wrote. Seemed very artificial and unappealing. Overall it seemed a little cheesy and cliche for me.
Good luck and keep working.