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Apple Ice
June 13th, 2012, 02:54 PM
Im sure there will be many problems to this but thats what you lot are here for i guess. I didn't really know what catergory it fell in but I kind tried to be funny here so humour it is. Ive written a lot more to this story but im only going to post this for now.


‘Tick tock, tick tock went the cursed clock, every second mocking our despair. The teacher's rambling about Stalin and his truly evil crimes made Stalin’s regime sound like paradise and a much more favourable place to be than this cell of a classroom. Finally the bell went at which all the students fled form the Mr Cochrane, the dictator, like a herd of zebra trying to evade the lions pack.’

‘Err yes well that was good Isabelle, just try not compare our teachers to a murderer of millions next time please.’

‘Yes Miss, sorry Miss, won’t happen again, Miss.’

Mrs Trembath couldn’t hold back her wry smile ‘Oh just sitdown you stupid girl.’

I and Mrs Trembath have a rather exceptional teacher student relationship with each other and sometimes quite unprofessional, which is rare in my case due to me challenging teachers far too often for them to even think about not bitching about me in the staff room at break time. However, because I’m now in my first year of sixth form I only have to speak to 3 teachers, which is a welcome change for both parties.

At break I meet my friends where I have done for 5 years – the benches and table next to the bin. Without fail they are all there eating peanut butter sandwiches and discussing who’s up to what and who’s a slag. I with a lot of fuss squat myself right between Grace and Maria. Graces' perfume is overwhelming as always but it does replace the smell of the sandwich bin and is welcomed by the group (the bin was called that by the girls ever since grace had slipped on a sandwich and somehow ended up with her whole arm in the bin).
The group are talking about a girl in the year above who was unknowingly filmed while having sex with a boy.

‘Poor girl’ says Grace.

‘That James is lucky that she even had sex with him. He’s such a twat for recording it.’

‘She’s a slag for even doing it in the first place though,’ countered Claire.

Claire wasn’t a fully-fledged member of the group and would only sit with us occasionally and I have decided it is down to her snobbishness, which is why I have no quarrel going into battle with her.

‘Tell me, Claire.’ Deliberately trying to sounding like somesort of 80’s detective. ‘Have you ever had sex?’

‘What?’

‘Have you ever had sex?’

‘Well yeah I have why?’

Maria rolls her eyes at this point knowing that I was about to “open a can of whoop-arse” as she so eloquently likes put it.

‘In that case, if one of your many sexual partners had recorded, unbeknown to you, you getting shagged and sent it to his mates, would you consider yourself a slag?’

‘Well obviously fucking not. Bu-’

‘If the girl had known she was being recorded I highly doubt she would have proceeded to get fucked by that prick. Excuse the pun. Don’t you agree?’ I interrupt.

‘Well yeah.’

‘Then shat up your face. If anything the boy should be the being ridiculed for recording an unsuspecting girl having sex, the creepylittle perv of a man.’

Claire is visibly furious but decides not to pursue the argument because she knows that not only am I right but I can give 1000 different reasons why I'm right on the matter or any other matter.

jrajendra
July 19th, 2012, 08:40 PM
There are some spacing issues with words, so it makes it difficult to read from an aesthetic standpoint. I see you have the same problem as me, where I try to evoke laughter through random analogies. I would perhaps change those. Have you tried reading it again yourself to see if you laugh? That is what I am trying to do with my own work! Other than that, interesting story! Keep it up!

FrederickS
July 25th, 2012, 12:33 AM
I would ask yourself these questions: What makes this funny? Is it the character, the situation or both? What could make it funnier. For instance, if she had bet Claire that she could get a video of her having sex with her BF within one month, that might create a funny situation. let's see where this goes.

Apple Ice
July 26th, 2012, 03:00 PM
ive posted an edited version on here and just dont know how to delete this version so im sorry about the mstakes.
thanks for the feedback though, guys. As for the recommendations, jradenjra could you give an example of me using the anology thing please? it would be easier for me to change it.
Fredrick, i dont mean to be rude but i dont like that idea. ive seen that happen on so many american films so i think i'll just stick to where it was going and if it doesnt get any better then i may try something different.

Babyblue
September 8th, 2012, 06:42 AM
I didn't find this funny, more serious. But good. I enjoyed reading it. Yes, it had some spacing issues etc, but I think you have potential here. Keep on pushing on.

Tripper1963
September 22nd, 2012, 09:19 PM
Nice story Apple pie like the sentiment and for me has lots of potential well done

Olly Buckle
September 22nd, 2012, 10:10 PM
There is always a potential for multiple clauses in sentences to get mixed, look,

The teachers rambling about Stalin and his truly evilcrimes made Stalin’s regime sound like paradise

Possessive apostrophe for 'teacher's' by the way, but he only possesses the rambling, not the evil crimes, fairly obvious in this case, but something to be wary of.

"Finally the bell went to which allthe students fled form the Mr Cochrane, the dictator,"
Finally the bell went at which all the students fled from Mr Cochrane, the dictator,
There was an extra 'the there I deleted, I suppose it could have been, 'the form and Mr C.'

"which I decided was down to her snobbishness which is why I have no quarrel going into battle with her."
Awkward, I would rephrase to lose the first 'which. You could do with a comma before the second one, there are a number of places an extra comma would help, try reading aloud and noticing the tiny pauses. Grace's name needs capitalising in a couple of places, as does Miss, and 'Grace's perfume' also lacks the apostrophe. I find a paint brush good for getting the crumbs out from under my space bar. Click on 'Edit post' at bottom right to change things, but you are usually better off posting a new version in the thread so people can compare and see what others were on about.

If you are unclear about apostrophe use there is a good thread in writing discussion, SamW is clear and accurate about it, as he is in the 'dialogue' thread about what is the appropriate punctuation in dialogue.

‘Poor girl,’ said Grace.
‘She’s a slag for even doing it in the first place though,’ countered Claire.

On the other hand you inconsistancy suggests it may be simply a bit careless, an excellent first attempt.

Cran
September 23rd, 2012, 02:28 AM
The spacing issue might be a copy&paste glitch with the software here not picking up your word processor's code for the automatic line returns, because they seem to be more or less regularly spaced in the body text.

Tripper1963
September 26th, 2012, 11:06 AM
well done apple ice i like this plenty happening and good description reads well

Kryptex
September 26th, 2012, 12:48 PM
For a first attempt, this is astonishingly good. It kept me hooked, and aside from a few typos here and there, I felt the storyline was excellent. I'd love to see more of your work if/when you post it :)

Apple Ice
September 26th, 2012, 05:47 PM
i haven't been on here properly for a bit so im sorry for not replying. ive changed all the typos and spacing issues, etc. thank you all for the feed back, it is genuinley very much appreciated.

Geri
September 26th, 2012, 06:43 PM
Hey Apple Ice, this is the very first piece I've read ( I'm new!). I won't repeat what others have said, you are clearly aware of the spacing use and the typo's. I can see the humour in this piece, it's there but not overly strong. For example , I laughed at this bit -- because I’m now in my first year of sixth form I only have to speak to 3 teachers, which is a welcome change for both parties.-- I didn't find the subject matter funny, but some of your descriptive language was and may I add, very well written. This, in my opinion, is a story that could be very good with slight bits of humour as you have begun to do! Fantastic first effort, hope mine is as good! Keep up the good work!!

Apple Ice
September 26th, 2012, 09:32 PM
thanks Geri, that really means a lot. I'm honoured im your first read on here aha. yeah I see what you mean, i wasn't trying to be like "haha" funny but more subtle humour. i'm very glad you liked it though and I look forward to seeing some of your work on here, i'm sure it will be great!

PACHAR
September 29th, 2012, 06:51 PM
First post! I am determined to get this ban off!

This made me smile. As a first attempt, it was very good, not that I'm one to talk, since I obviously haven't made any new threads regarding stories written by me, but I really did. This looks like it will be a pretty good teen novel. I await the second chapter with anticipation. :smug:

thecostumedanceparty
October 7th, 2012, 07:04 PM
I like what you have so far here, though I don't see how the beginning part about teachers connects to the part about her friends.

Apple Ice
October 7th, 2012, 11:04 PM
First post! I am determined to get this ban off!

This made me smile. As a first attempt, it was very good, not that I'm one to talk, since I obviously haven't made any new threads regarding stories written by me, but I really did. This looks like it will be a pretty good teen novel. I await the second chapter with anticipation. :smug:

Thanks PACHAR, i will be uploading the second chapter tomorrow hopefully although i'm not really happy with it. I will let you be the judge though. Much appreciated for the comment :-D.

Apple Ice
October 7th, 2012, 11:06 PM
I like what you have so far here, though I don't see how the beginning part about teachers connects to the part about her friends.

I suppose it doesn't. I was just clarifying it was at school and trying to get a feel for the character. I understand what you mean though, it could come across as a bit irrelevant. Thanks for the comment

thecostumedanceparty
October 8th, 2012, 01:57 PM
I suppose it doesn't. I was just clarifying it was at school and trying to get a feel for the character. I understand what you mean though, it could come across as a bit irrelevant. Thanks for the comment

Yeah, no problem. It was just some advice. Obviously you can flesh it out, add more, and make it an awesome piece.

Boone
October 13th, 2012, 04:43 PM
I'd probably echo what a lot of people have said here. What makes this funny? I did think there was some potential in the beginning scene (the teacher student conversation.)

Apple Ice
October 13th, 2012, 06:50 PM
I'd probably echo what a lot of people have said here. What makes this funny? I did think there was some potential in the beginning scene (the teacher student conversation.)

I don't know why any more than you aha. I know this isn't a "haha" funny piece but i just thought it would fit better in humour than drama, but after reading peoples comments perhaps i was wrong but i can't change it now unfortunately.

Thanks for commenting Boone. There's a computer character named boone and i keep imagining you as a marine with a red baret and a rifle ahah

Apple Ice
October 13th, 2012, 06:53 PM
By the way guys, I've uploaded the second part of this story. It leads directly from this. Sorry for being a bit cheeky and endorsing it on the comments. Would love it if you could give it a look though. Thanks a lot.

Here's the link:
http://www.writingforums.com/humour/133511-second-chapter-my-first-attempt-writing-language.html (http://www.writingforums.com/humour/133511-second-chapter-my-first-attempt-writing-language.html)

Boone
October 14th, 2012, 03:10 PM
I don't know why any more than you aha. I know this isn't a "haha" funny piece but i just thought it would fit better in humour than drama, but after reading peoples comments perhaps i was wrong but i can't change it now unfortunately.

Thanks for commenting Boone. There's a computer character named boone and i keep imagining you as a marine with a red baret and a rifle ahah
I should have also said that for a first effort it hung together quite nicely and I think you have real promise. I would like to read more. And yes many rifles, several berets.

Apple Ice
October 14th, 2012, 08:45 PM
I should have also said that for a first effort it hung together quite nicely and I think you have real promise. I would like to read more. And yes many rifles, several berets.[/QUOTE]

Thank your very much, boone. The link to the second part is in one of my comments on this page so feel free to take a look. haha i knew it