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K. Altan
June 12th, 2012, 05:46 AM
This is kind of a rough draft, and I haven't gotten very far with this. Feel free to tear it apart for all the errors.



Spaceling
I think it was her eyes. Actually, I know it was her eyes. Those lucid eyes where I could almost see right into her soul. Her body was surrounded by an aura of strength, but her eyes told another story. They seemed like deep, dark holes pulling me into their orbit. She needed me to do something, or I would be forever scarred with the intensity of those eyes.

I am guessing you are wondering who this mysterious girl is, and, more importantly, who I am. It is kind of a long story, but I enjoy telling it every time.

This all began because of a conflict. I guess you wouldn’t know about it yet, being from the past and all, but mankind eventually found a way to live in space stations and on distant planets, just as you had predicted. My family and I live on the Empiricism, a space craft specifically set out to study intelligent lifeforms on the moon orbiting the planet, HD 10180 g, in the constellation, Hydrus (The Earthlings want to be the ones to come up with a good name for the moon. We Spacelings call it Mençuri). Anyway, the beings we are studying are called the Cizinecs. You see, studying them is not as easy as you would think. We were filled with excitement knowing that we aren’t alone in the Universe, but as it turns out, the Cizinecs don’t feel the same way about us. They try to make as little contact as possible, and if they do make contact, it is because they are trying to ban us from their solar system. It is evident that the Cizinecs do not want anything to do with us.

The conflict, Earthlings were beginning to think themselves as far more superior to their colonies out here in space. You see, they started to take advantage of us. Being so far away, it is very difficult to have representation back on Earth. It was just like how the British took advantage of the American Colonies. They started restricting our rights. They told us what we could and couldn’t do. They never came out here to see how we were doing. How were they supposed to know anything about what we can and can’t do? The greatest minds in the universe live out here. Those Earth scum had no clue what they were talking about. It was like the stupid slaveholder keeping his slave from doing anything productive. We felt as if they were mocking us.

Higurro
June 12th, 2012, 10:15 AM
Sounds interesting. I like the names you've chosen as they're different without being ridiculous, which seems quite a narrow line to walk when it comes to fantasy and sci-fi. I'd really just like to see more, as I can't tell from this section where the uniqueness lies. Although it's well written (apart from a couple of grammatical errors) it sounds a bit generic at this stage, but as far as short extracts go, I'd say so far so good. (Though I thought the point about the British and American colonies seemed a bit heavy-handed)

Robdemanc
June 12th, 2012, 07:23 PM
Is this the opening? Its well written, has a kind of wit within the tone. There appears to be no link between the first paragraph and the rest of it. Who's eyes are you talking about? And why did it all start with what sounds like a galactic conflict?

bazz cargo
June 12th, 2012, 09:59 PM
Hi K,
Interesting. A bit like a collection of ideas without a frame to hang them on. Good questions laid out to answer. As with all beginnings it will probably be redone when you have finished the rest. Onward and upward.
Bazz

K. Altan
June 12th, 2012, 11:28 PM
Thanks, I'll probably change it later to connect the paragraphs together a little more. I guess I tend to start my stories like this to give myself a brief idea of what I'm writing. Then I change it later so it's more for the reader. I'll see if I can post the rest of the story as I go.

Dave Watson
June 18th, 2012, 01:54 PM
Only thing I'd point out here in the first paragraph is the repetition of the word "eyes", although that may have been intentional. Also do holes have orbits? Maybe better to leave it as just "They seemed like deep, dark holes pulling me in."

Other than that, nicely set up, but as you have already said it could maybe do with a little fleshing out as you go.

HooktonFonnix
June 24th, 2012, 07:54 AM
This interested me because I am also in the middle of writing a first-person-narrative SF novel. As far as critiquing goes, the biggest thing that stuck out to me was that I had no idea who was telling the story. I'm assuming that there will be some kind of introduction not too much further into your work, but I felt a definite disconnect because of it. Also, you seem to like the phrase "You see," a lot, which, because of the repitition, comes across as a little condescending to the reader. I have things like this in my own writing all the time, you are not alone.

This introduction definitely leaves me wanting to know more, such as how intelligent the Cizinecs are and why they don't like humans. I would read more.

wehttam
June 29th, 2012, 12:36 AM
There was a pretty big disconnect between the first paragraph and the second, but it was still a nice introduction. The first paragraph may have been unrelated to the others, but it was a nice hook. The other paragraphs give a general idea of the setting without dragging it out too much.

ScienceFriction
July 1st, 2012, 05:34 PM
I have things like this in my own writing all the time, you are not alone.



This reminds me a lot of what I am writing as well!

I believe the rough draft was well written. The only critique I have to make is that you shouldn't be afraid to use stronger adjectives. "Lucid" sounded appropriate, but I felt as though you could have elaborated more on her "aura of strength". Besides that, good job!

K. Altan
July 2nd, 2012, 03:00 AM
Thank you for all the help I've edited it a little to try to connect things a little more. I'll be able to work it out a little more as I go. Hopefully I'll have the first chapter up soon.

I Am Vague
July 23rd, 2012, 08:05 AM
I enjoyed it, the only thing i will say though is that some of the names don't exactly roll off the tongue. 10180 g would become a very tiring reference in the future if it becomes important. I don't see that as a major problem though and other than that it captured my attention very well. Nice work!

Penguin19
August 11th, 2012, 04:46 PM
This story seems ok but there are a few niggling questionslike why they are still doing the biding of the earthlings after the conflictwhich I assume was when they fought to gain independence. Apart from a fewflaws it reads very well and could turn into a very good story.

K. Altan
August 11th, 2012, 05:52 PM
I guess I didn't word that right. The story explains the conflict. This is at the very beginning of the conflict. I'll see if I can fix that so it is easier for the reader to understand.

Artanyis
August 15th, 2012, 01:49 AM
I'm interested, but I cant really say anything with out more. It hooks well and flows decently well. I didn't see any glaring punctuation or grammar problems. I look forward to more.

Wartec
October 24th, 2012, 07:37 PM
Intriguingly nice. Much left me wanting to know more.
Though I do recommend that you stick to a main subject more.
Only because it seems to jump all over the place instead of flow.

K. Altan
October 25th, 2012, 02:13 AM
Wow, I totally forgot I posted this. Thanks for the comment, but I've edited it a lot and forgot to change the post. I guess I'll do that when I get the chance.

don'tmakemeblue
November 7th, 2012, 12:02 AM
This is an interesting start, and I like the premise, although there are problems with condensing a back story into such a short space. I've always been one to enjoy a story revealed slowly, including the history of the story, although that's personal preference. If you can, I recommend retaining a good deal of mystery until crucial moments. Hope this helped :)