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Silen
June 7th, 2012, 06:32 PM
Shelzalar hung like a star in the sky, floating aloft clouds of silver steam. The great towers, made of piercing violet marble, sent shadows penetrating through the bright light of the golden sun. The roofs a rich crimson, constructed with thousands of hand shaped slates. The walls stood like an impassable barrier around the floating city, made up of the rich, seamless purple marble akin to the towers. The city was perfectly symmetrical, the keep stood directly in the centre it was constructed of pure silver stone that seemed to flow like liquid in the changing light, its four towers standing at the corners of its foundations looming high above the rest of the city.

Within this city, the full force of the humans had gathered. Tens of thousands of men at arms armed with short sword and regal violet shields stood guard over fifty thousand civilians, all whom were led by Huzar Wolfbane.

Inside the Royal chamber of Shelzalar, Huzar sat on the throne of his forefathers. He was an enormous man, clad in a long fur cloak, made from the pelt of a giant dire wolf. The fur covered his back, and the sizable wolfs head rested on his right shoulder, a constant warning to all who opposed the king, of his combat capabilities. He wore a fur loincloth, with chain mail hanging underneath. In one hand rested the great spear of Shelzalar, a brutal pole arm with vicious wolf teeth running down its shaft, at its point a giant, malicious, barbed tip shined in the light like a great jewel. Huzar was at least eight feet tall, his body rippling with thick muscles and his piercing leaf green eyes, gazed out through his long black hair, over the congregation before him.

The dire wolves were the quarry of choice for any man who sought to rise to greatness, these wolves were stronger, smarter and more ferocious than any other living animal in the whole of xypaxis, king Huzar had been the first to best one in hand to hand combat, and due to that triumph, he ruled.

“You seek to hunt the wolf?” spoke Huzar from his throne, the crowd before him cheered.

“I said DO YOU SEEK TO HUNT THE WOLF!” his voice reverberating around the great throne room, the crowd cheered manically, as he rose to his feet.

“Good, for every wolf pelt returned to me, a hundred gold coins will be given. Now go!” his voice full of unquestionable authority.

The crowd of fifty or so men clad in nought but leather leggings and wielding basic spears, some adorned with ornate violet war paint, rushed out of the throne room.
A lone woman stood behind the kings’ throne, wearing nought but a simple crimson dress that traipsed along the ground behind her, she spoke quietly into the king’s ear.

“How many will return my lord Huzar?”

“None, my love.”

Skodt
June 7th, 2012, 06:53 PM
Shelzalar hung like a star in the sky, floating aloft clouds of silver steam. The great towers, made of piercing violet marble, sent shadows penetrating through the bright light of the golden sun. The roofs a rich crimson, constructed with thousands of hand shaped slates. The walls stood like an impassable barrier around the floating city, made up of the rich, seamless purple marble akin to the towers. The city was perfectly symmetrical, the keep stood directly in the centre it was constructed of pure silver stone that seemed to flow like liquid in the changing light, its four towers standing at the corners of its foundations looming high above the rest of the city.

(This reads to long. Switch up some of your description it came across flat in parts. It made this small paragraph read to long.)

Within this city, the full force of the humans had gathered. Tens of thousands of men at arms armed with short sword and regal violet shields stood guard over fifty thousand civilians, all whom were led by Huzar Wolfbane.

Inside the Royal chamber of Shelzalar, Huzar sat on the throne of his forefathers. He was an enormous man, clad in a long fur cloak, made from the pelt of a giant dire wolf. The fur covered his back, and the sizable wolfs head rested on his right shoulder, a constant warning to all who opposed the king, of his combat capabilities. He wore a fur loincloth, with chain mail hanging underneath. In one hand rested the great spear of Shelzalar, a brutal pole arm with vicious wolf teeth running down its shaft, at its point a giant, malicious, barbed tip shined in the light like a great jewel. Huzar was at least eight feet tall, his body rippling with thick muscles and his piercing leaf green eyes, gazed out through his long black hair, over the congregation before him.
(Your description is every where here. First he is a large man of eight feet tall. That is much easier to read and understand, but the way you have it down is. he was a big man......... Then later you have he was eight feet tall. There is no reason to seperate it, it becomes jumbled. You start telling his size finish that, then move on to what he is wearing finish that, then move on to other descriptions. Jumping around confuses the description.It seems like you were talking then went on and said Oh by the way I forgot to mention he was this as well... You as the writer shouldn't forget to mention it should flow.)

The dire wolves were the quarry of choice for any man who sought to rise to greatness, these wolves were stronger, smarter and more ferocious than any other living animal in the whole of xypaxis, king Huzar had been the first to best one in hand to hand combat, and due to that triumph, he ruled.

“You seek to hunt the wolf?” spoke Huzar from his throne, the crowd before him cheered.

“I said DO YOU SEEK TO HUNT THE WOLF!” his voice reverberating around the great throne room, the crowd cheered manically, as he rose to his feet.

“Good, for every wolf pelt returned to me, a hundred gold coins will be given. Now go!” his voice full of unquestionable authority.

The crowd of fifty or so men clad in nought but leather leggings and wielding basic spears, some adorned with ornate violet war paint, rushed out of the throne room.
A lone woman stood behind the kings’ throne, wearing nought but a simple crimson dress that traipsed along the ground behind her, she spoke quietly into the king’s ear.

“How many will return my lord Huzar?”

“None, my love.”

Is this the full chapter? If so I would introduce the characters more. Give me a reason to care what is happening. The first chapter is very important to hook my interest. I admit I do ask what is going on? But not in a way were i want to continue, but in a way were I am really like hmm why is this even happening? Tell us the importance of the direwolf hunting. Do they do this often? What are these men like? In a city that floats is there forest as well? If the forest doesn't float as well how do they get down? What is the signifigance of this floating city? how did it get there? Lot's of questions to be asked and very few are answered. I would relook over, think of some description for your characters. Think of some outcomes you are wanting from this chapter. Is this chapter supposed to get the reader ready for the hunt? If so who are we following the rest of the story? Is the King the main character? If not the main should at least be shown in the first chapter? Is this a prolouge? If so I would still do better on description. If it is a prolouge the main character don't have to be shown. Inconclusion go back make the reader care about the scene, make the characters come alive, make the situation seem more important by telling us a clue of what it is. Then go back a second time and make sure your not skipping around from one thing to another. After those two things read it a third time, and make sure it draws a reader in. Then repost if you would like, and I would love to try to help with anything else I seen then.

Silen
June 7th, 2012, 07:10 PM
Thank you for pointing this out to me, i dont know what i was thinking when writing this. I will rework this majorly. Any idea how to delete this thread so i can reupload when it is actually worth uploading :)

Skodt
June 7th, 2012, 07:12 PM
No use. Keep this thread, then update it. Show your progress. No one starts out as Tolkien it takes work. Be proud of not only the ending, but of the journey to get there.