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playingthepianodrunk
May 18th, 2012, 06:49 AM
I wrote a pretty deep character introduction that lead to this but I'm not sure if it fits but here is the start of a story the kind of which I am not accustomed to writing but here it is.


You see we are not so different you and I. I am as scared and confused as any. Like a deer caught in the headlights of life, I know any movement of mine would be futile. But still I go on. Because I must. Because I have somewhere in the back of my mind this silly notion, so contrary to everything I have have said thus far, that the world is good. That people are worth believing in and maybe worth fighting for. Something in me believes that I am destined to, to change the world if even in the most minute way. Like I said this is my story and this is how it happened right or wrong.


I write this because if possible there is a wrong I must make right. I write this story because if I do not write it then no one will and that can not be.

I met a women and went home with her. She was quite beautiful but her kindness shone above her features. She seemed to me something pure and sublime. We became quite close, in my fragile state I latched on to her. I would stay at her place as often as possible because I did not have one of my own. She believed in me and I loved her. We would lay in her bed for hours some mornings, her soft hands gently stroking my brow my hand cradled around her stomach. We'd lay sometimes silent for hours but we didn't need words to communicate. Though we only knew each other for a short time I felt we knew each other as if we spent a lifetime together.

And maybe we did.

She was as crazy as me and maybe that is why I loved her so. Another lost soul we meet one day while I was wadding through the river of the damned. I was looking in the direction of my feet but I could not see them because the water was too murky. Then I felt a soft finger lift my head by the chin and grab my hand.


One day I came by to see her. She didn't know I was coming by. I stood there knocking on the door but no one answered. I had seen her car so I knew she was home. I figured she was a sleep or in the shower so I walked up the block and found a bench in a small court. I sat down, spread my arms across the bench and gazed deeply into the sky. The night sky was clear and I could see the horizon in all directions like I was sitting in a snow globe. I quickly rolled a small joint and sat there smoking. I took a cigarette out of my pocket and lit it as I walked back to her apartment. Just as I turned the corner to her door I saw I man leaving. I wanted to leave there but she saw me as she was closing the door. She stood there for a second and I walked slowly towards the door.

The longest walk of my life, I couldn't think I felt numb. I walked inside and sat down. She spoke first, softly initially but as she saw my disconnect I could see a hurt grow in her eyes. It made me feel worse. I was mad at her but I was mad at myself, I loved her to much to watch her cry and I wanted to go back in time.


“I have to tell you something I'm sorry I never told you,” she was crying now but I was too cold to say anything.


“How I make a living,” she began but I was not fit to hear the words come out of her mouth. I was young and stupid and I left the women I loved alone, just because...


I can't. Let's get back to happier times. When the two of us had the world at our finger tips. Together we had something that nobody could ever take away. Just her presence made me happy her breath against my chest at night. We talked of great things, of love and our future. When I was with her the world didn't feel as empty. Everything felt all right.

playingthepianodrunk
May 18th, 2012, 07:35 AM
This may sound cliché but I do believe she was my other half, we fit together perfectly and I do not think it is possible to meet a person like that twice in ones life. I had it once and that was something.


After I left her apartment I walked to the liquor store and bought a bottle of spiced rum. I had no more money so I drank it straight. The drunker I became the sadder I felt and I wanted to go back and hold her in my arms and kiss her neck and tell her that none of this mattered that I loved her and I always would. I would tell her how she made me feel when she looked at me with her large brown eyes. Like I was staring into infinity. I would sing her the stars because she was all that I cared for. She was the answer to all my questions. I wanted her to know how truly I felt.


The sky was clouded as I walked back and it began to lightly rain. The streets were empty the only sound was my feet against the pavement.


This is a funny story, one time we sneaked into this private pool. Upscale place. It was a particularly hot day. We brought a bottle of vodka and plenty of ice. Soon we were drunk. We were walking along and we found a secluded spot. We began to kiss. She was wearing a blue polka dot dress and no panties. Behind us were potted plants, I sat her on the plants and began performing oral sex. A attendant emerged from the towel closet around the corner. I lifted my head and he chased us out of there.
When I got back to the apartment the door was opened just like I had left it and not a light was on.


I guess we had a thing for sex in public because one time at her cousins wedding, when everyone was dancing to the wedding song we disappeared into one of the bathrooms.


I walked in the bedroom door was opened. She was laying face down on the bed. I found I bottle of pills on the dresser and a bottle of vodka on the floor. I tried desperately to make her throw up to make her start breathing, she still had a heart beat but it grew fainter and fainter and by the time the ambulance arrived she was dead.


She died in my arms and that night I died to but we lived a lifetime together and I will never forget her. She showed me what the world was worth. What people really could be. She will never die because she lives on in me and in this story.

playingthepianodrunk
May 18th, 2012, 07:37 AM
After that day the world still turned like normal, the sun still shone through the clouds but I would have been happier had they not.

xlwoo
May 18th, 2012, 02:35 PM
[so contrary to everything I have have said]
should be "I have said", delete the second HAVE.

[Something in me believes]
Before the verb believe, you must use a subject of person like I, HE, THEY, etc., not a subject of thing like something.

[a women]
you must use "a woman", because women is a plural. You can put "a" before a plural noun.

[in ones life]
should be "in one's life".

garza
May 18th, 2012, 05:00 PM
Two problems at the very top. An introductory sentence that is like a sign saying 'don't bother reading this' and the deer-in-headlights cliché. I'll try to come back later, but those two red lights need to be gotten rid of.

playingthepianodrunk
May 19th, 2012, 05:24 PM
Two problems at the very top. An introductory sentence that is like a sign saying 'don't bother reading this' and the deer-in-headlights cliché. I'll try to come back later, but those two red lights need to be gotten rid of.

I have to disagree with you I feel like the "Like a deer caught in the headlights of life, I know any movement of mine would be futile. But still I go on. Because I must." this line describes the hopelessness the narrator feels telling this story as well as his general feeling of hopelessness in life.

tinacrabapple
May 23rd, 2012, 02:11 AM
I agree, I actually like that line, even though it is a little cliche. Cliche isn't always bad, sometimes it works. Depends on the reader, I guess.

Jim Alias
May 28th, 2012, 09:42 AM
I completely agree with what Garza said. Between the cliche and the clunk, reading that opener was a pretty fast turnoff. Also, commas, commas, commas. The run-on sentences are brutal to slog through. An interesting concept, but I honestly can't quite figure it out; I like the story itself and am a sucker for doomed romances, but the weird sex tangent is totally unnecessary and handled kind of classlessly. If I felt like it was deliberate or an attempt to communicate the character of the narrator and his lover, I'd let it slide, but it just handles in a way that makes me wonder if you know exactly what you're writing. Out of it, though, the detail about the public sex was kinda nice in the way it was so bluntly presented, but it seemed redundant and less shocking after everything you'd just told us. Sometimes, less is more, and I think this is one of those cases. Keep practicing though, and a lot of these issues will clear up naturally.

MeganB
May 28th, 2012, 09:50 AM
I like the deer in the headlights line, it gets the feelings of the narrator clearly expressed without being blatently stated.