PDA

View Full Version : The Werewolf Huntress- rewrite of The Huntress



rawrritsmanda
May 16th, 2012, 10:40 PM
**I rewrote this because the other version was less entertaining to me. And if it's not entertaining to me, then there is a problem! Let me know what you think.

The Werewolf Huntress:

The forest was still and quiet as the huntress weaved among trees and shrubs. Her foot steps did not disturb the leaves or sticks on the ground. Nexora was used to traveling silently and slowly through the woods, unlike her prey. The animal in front of her fled clumsily with panic; this creature was not adapted to being chased.

There was a loud pop as a thick tree branch was broken.

Nexora spun to her left as she fetched an arrow from her quiver and fastened it in place on the string of her silver bow.

She scanned the area from where the sound came, looking out for the animal. The wind blew and the leaves rustled in the trees above her.

She saw him; the fur on his back rippled in the wind, uncloaking natures camouflage. The beast had dark brown hair with a skeletal structure resembling half man, half wolf. It could stand like a man or crouch as low as a beast. The huntress pulled her string back, waiting for its next move.

The strange animal turned to bolt away, but it was too late. She released the arrow and sent it soaring through the trees until it landed in the creature's hind leg.

The monster groaned in pain and collapsed to the ground. Blood began to pool around the wound, dampening its fur.

The girl cut swiftly through the brush to reach him. As he crawled along the moss covered soil to escape she stepped in front of him, sealing his fate.

The woman glared at him with disgust. "You are one of the horrors who slaughtered my family and countless others. You should have known this would be your end."

The beast looked up at her with his green eyes; she thought she saw something— anger, remorse, or was it fear? The anguish she felt reminded her that no matter how much they resembled human eyes, they were not. Rage burned through her, pushing down any sympathy she may have felt.

"Since you took their lives, I'll take yours," she sneered.

Nexora readied her bow and retrieved an arrow to string. As she stared down at the creation with its grotesque face and drooling mouth, tears reached the rim of her eyes. It hurt her to imagine this villain as her family's last vision before death; her innocent sister, protective brother, loving mother, and courageous father. Her life was nothing without them. There was no hesitation, as she pulled back the cord of her bow and released the shaft into his heart.

SamanthaMarie
May 17th, 2012, 02:50 AM
That last paragraph was perfect. It added the right amount of emotion needed to understand the main character and why she was doing what she was doing.

'The animal fled clumsily with panic; this creature was not adapted to being chased.'

It seemed kind of awkward how this was put together, maybe introduce the werewolf more by saying:

'The animal in front of her fled clumsily with panic; it was not adapted to being chased.' OR
'The animal currently in front of her fled clumsily with panic; it was not adapted to being chased.'

It just allows the reader to get a grasp on where and when.

But other than that I was captivated! Keep going!

rawrritsmanda
May 17th, 2012, 03:41 AM
Yeah, I do see what you mean about that sentence. Thanks!

MrGodlock
May 17th, 2012, 07:29 AM
Another good post. I had to fight myself away from the idea that see was the same as the previous huntress, but youdid well in portraying what sort of person she is here. Now this was mentioned before, but you are still kinda using 'she' and 'her' a lot. I don't quite see it as a gender based attack like some others might, but more as kind of a redundancy. Just try to mix up the words a little bit so you have as few repeats as possible. I liked that last paragraph, but I saw a lot of 'she' and 'her' in that one. I hope you don't mind, but I'm going to show you a few of the adjustments I'd have made there.

" Nexora readied the bow and notched an arrow. As the woman stared down at the creation, with its grotesque face and drooling mouth, tears reached the rim of her eyes. It tore at the heart to imagine this villain as her family's last vision before death; an innocent sister, a protective brother, the loving mother, and her courageous father. This life was nothing without them. There was no hesitation as the bow string was drawn to the cheek and released, burying the shaft deep into his heart. "

Now I can't say that what I wrote is really any better, but to me, there is much less redundancy. Honestly though, I think I'd like it however you spun it. This was very good and I can't wait to see where it goes.

WiredNun
May 17th, 2012, 02:23 PM
Stamp out passive voice. "There was a loud pop as a thick tree branch was broken." becomes "A thick tree branch broke with a pop." Watch out for cases where forms of the verb "to be" are unneeded.

Don't tell us she's a heroine; show us. Being a heroine is a judgment on the part of the reader. Making it for the reader diminished the impact.

I'm not liking "sneered" at the end. It seems she is cold, then enraged, up until then, now she's suddenly condescending?

The pronoun for the beast switches back and forth between "it" and "him." Pick one and stay with it. Or him.

rawrritsmanda
May 17th, 2012, 06:22 PM
Yeah I knew I was going to have to pick one. But as I was writing it I was torn between the reader seeing the beast as an it, or as a him? Because its an animal. But a man. Not sure what I'm going to choose.

RoosterSmith
May 18th, 2012, 12:40 AM
It was well written but from an entertainmentoint of view...

When you do something really short especially...

I like to see a little more story, maybe in the form of a proper first act. then the second installment could be the next act, ect.

This story is just a chick shooting an arrow at a wolf.

But it was well written. I'd read the hell out of any additional parts...

Kenneth J. Ester
May 18th, 2012, 12:56 AM
Becareful of starting so many paragraphs or sentences the same. Look over your story and just read the first few words of each part and you will find....

She scanned the...
She saw him;...
The strange animal...
The monster ...
The heroine ...
The woman ....
The beast...

Try mixing the way you word a sentence up more. Instead of ... The heroine cut swiftly through the brush to reach him. ....Try... Not one to take any chances, the huntress cut swiftly through the brush to reach it.

Kenneth J. Ester
May 18th, 2012, 01:00 AM
Oh yeah... I meant to address the "it" or "him" question.

I think it would depend on what you want to accomplish. If you want the reader to see the creature as a beast, which is how it came across to me, use "it". "Him", would be used on a more personal basis, in my opinion. Maybe from the point of view of another of its kind, it would be considered a Him. From another species, it becomes an it.

SamanthaMarie
May 18th, 2012, 01:11 AM
Or you could use 'it' at first and then gradually throughout your story the main character has a change of heart for the werewolves and they then become hims and hers. Just a thought.

rawrritsmanda
May 19th, 2012, 12:03 AM
Or you could use 'it' at first and then gradually throughout your story the main character has a change of heart for the werewolves and they then become hims and hers. Just a thought.This is why I was originally torn between the two, because I was attempting to show that she was confused herself as to what she should consider 'the beast' as. But I decided I will go with 'it' since she's not actually the one speaking in the story. I have change a lot of things on my copy, but I am waiting until i have more of the story before I post it again.

Thanks everyone!

Red
May 24th, 2012, 07:10 AM
Muchhhh better. Some suggestions though:
Like I mentioned in your previous story, you didn't give the characters enough of a description for me to picture the events in my head. A simple fix could be changing "She scanned the area from where the sound came, looking out for the animal." to 'Her brown eyes scanned the trees on her left, searching through the darkness for any signs of creature.' Automatically I get the image of a close up of a woman's brown eyes in my head, looking about in the night, waiting for a shadow to move in the darkness. "Blood began to pool around the wound, dampening its fur." Brilliant - love the decription. I can see that in my mind perfectly, and it's pretty gruesome picturing this creature with an arrow sticking out of its leg. But - no worries - that's a good thing. And now that you've added the beast's description I know what it is that this girl is after, unlike before where I didn't quite know what to imagine.
Personally, I wish you had posted a bit more. But to fix that, just add a post soon cuz I really wanna know who this woman is. Good work.

rawrritsmanda
May 24th, 2012, 07:22 PM
I have been working on the first part and adding more, but I left my laptop charger at my mother in laws this past weekend. All my work is saved on my macbook which is now dead. And I don't have anyone to share a charger with. Anyways I should be getting it in the mail soon. :) I will post more atleast by next week. I hope!

Notquitexena
May 29th, 2012, 05:20 AM
The action seems to flow better with the huntress going after a supernatural creature. Of course you are going to want to do some judicious editing to vary the tempo of the paragraphs but I think you have a good start. I would caution you against using the term "The heroine" because it sounds a little vain. Let the reader decide this character is a heroine or a villain by how you portray her. The best heroes have a bit of humility, otherwise they can turn off the reader.