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playingthepianodrunk
May 15th, 2012, 02:41 AM
A general uneasiness has filled the air around me it seems for some months now. Not full blown paranoia but a steadily growing feeling that something is missing. It started, as I said some months before, when I was experimenting with the hallucinogenic drug salvia divinorum. I had experienced the drug before and I was also familiar with LSD. After seeing the effects of the drug at high dosages, complete and total loss of motor skills, I decided to take a more shamanistic approach. I began taking the drug in smal doses. At first the effects of the drug were pleasant, interesting and for the most part completely unexplainable. As if my perseption of the world shifted in the slightest way, like I was viewing the same world from another plain, another dimension if you will.
As the day progressed and I began taking heavier doses the trips became more and more vivid. Each time I felt I stepped futher into that mysterious world until I decided to go at it for real this time. Sitting around my room with some close friends I stuffed the bowl of my Black Leaf bong with the appropriate amount of of Salvia and some weed. I made myself comfortable, the stereo was playing the Talking Heads This Must Be The Place. Two long draws was all it took for me to clear the bowl and as I put the bong down everything around me began to swirl. I was sure the world was ending as a huge vortex opened up, I could here my friends asking me if I was alright and telling me everything would be find, I couldn't understand why they were so calm and as I was stucked into the vortex everything went white. I found myself in an empty abyss, a voice told me I most escape or my world would end. In the deep white nothingness suddenly appeared a large figure. I began climbing this figure before I realized it was me and I was climbing my life, or everything that had happened to t up until now. Soon I reached an intimate setting, my room where just a few minutes eariler I was preparing myself for the unknown. I thought for a second about stepping back into reality, but reality was never all it was cracked up to be and I wanted to know what lay beyond our perception. Could I continue further down my own path or could I find some other place in space and time unbeknownst to me.
So I continued on but quickily everything became really strange even by hallucination standards. I could not concieve the world I had found myself in, my experience held no basis for comparison, to describe it best it was like I was looking into creation, not a singular moment where everything began but a constant working machinery of everything, to all universes. At the center was a hideous creature, grey and morphing constantly. At first I remained undetected but that did not last. The creature turned and stared deep inside of me, it was as if I was only some small part of this primordial being. It concetrated its gaze and I felt I knew everything but it was not an affable feeling, humanity is not meant for such knowledge. Life and death are all part of a circular system and I realized I had indeed stepped into that other world, this was no hallucination, it was as real as anything before. Would I ever get out? I was overwhelmed and I longed for that mundane world I had previously detested.

tshuki
May 15th, 2012, 08:53 AM
Sounds interesting! I like the way you write, it sucked me in with the first sentence. I haven't ever tried drugs, but as I read your work, it almost felt as if I tried them together with the protagonist, it felt quite real.
I think the text heavily lacks commas and there are some typos, so it does get a bit confusing some times, yet I feel these mistakes are accidental and you could fix it all yourself, because in some places you did put commas where the sentence structure was the same. <:3
Other than that - I'd like you to continue! <3

Neath Lankly
May 16th, 2012, 12:08 AM
A general uneasiness has filled the air around me it seems for some months now (This sentence might need a little bit of work. You are writing it in first person- I have never wrote in first person, so i'm probably not the best to advice. But I would try to make the sentence even more personal. i.e For some months now, I have felt uneasy- something just didn't seem right. This sentence is not only broken up, but is easier understand. It also provides an 'I' instead of a 'me' -which can sometimes allows a reader to relate to the character even more. In my opinion, it will help attract the readers attention. Remember, your first sentence is your most important, guide the reader by the hand at first. Not full blown paranoia but a steadily growing feeling that something is missing. It started, as I said some months before, when I was experimenting with the hallucinogenic drug salvia divinorum. I had experienced the drug before and I was also familiar with LSD. After seeing the effects of the drug at high dosages, complete and total loss of motor skills, I decided to take a more shamanistic approach. I began taking the drug in small doses. At first the effects of the drug were pleasant, interesting and for the most part completely unexplainable. As if my perseption (perception) of the world shifted in the slightest way, like I was viewing the same world from another plain (Plane I believe is the correct version), another dimension if you will.

As the day progressed and I began taking heavier doses, the trips became more and more vivid. Each time, I felt I stepped futher into that mysterious world, until I decided to go at it for real this time. Sitting around my room with some close friends I stuffed the bowl of my Black Leaf bong with the appropriate amount of of Salvia and some weed. I made myself comfortable, the stereo was playing the Talking Heads- This Must Be The Place. Two long draws was all it took for me to clear the bowl and as I put the bong down everything around me began to swirl. I was sure the world was ending as a huge vortex opened up, I could here (hear) my friends asking me if I was alright and telling me everything would be find (fine). I couldn't understand why they were so calm. (delete and) As I was stucked (sucked) into the vortex everything went white. I found myself in an empty abyss. A voice told me I most (must) escape or my world would end. In the deep white nothingness suddenly appeared a large figure (I think you should revise this sentence or try to break it up appropriately with comma's). I began climbing this figure before I realized it was me and I was climbing my life, or everything that had happened to t(delete) up until now(I would delete this blue part as it provides more than adequate information about why the characters climbing is important. Too much information lessens the tension. Soon I reached an intimate setting, my room- where just a few minutes eariler I was preparing myself for the unknown. I thought for a second about stepping back into reality, but reality was never all it was cracked up to be and I wanted to know what lay beyond our perception.(Good, this sentence is interesting and easy to read) Could I continue further down my own path or could I find some other place in space and time unbeknownst to me.

So I continued on but quickily everything became really strange- even by hallucination standards. I could not concieve (would 'comprehend' be a better word here?) the world I had found myself in. My experience held no basis for comparison. To describe it best; it was like I was looking into creation, not a singular moment where everything began but a constant working machinery of everything to all universes (I found this sentence hard to read at first. It was very long, with four or five commas. Do not be afraid to create smaller sentences, it makes it a lot easier to read and can create a much better flow- a lot of the time improving tension or seriousness of a paragraph). At the center was a hideous creature, grey and morphing constantly. At first I remained undetected but that did not last. The creature turned and stared deep inside of me. It was as if I was only some small part of this primordial being. It concetrated its gaze and I felt I knew everything but it was not an affable feeling, humanity is not meant for such knowledge. Life and death are all part of a circular system and I realized I had indeed stepped into that other world, this was no hallucination, it was as real as anything before. Would I ever get out? I was overwhelmed and I longed for that mundane world I had previously detested. (Good description, nice free flow structure and great use of commas and full stops).

_____

I hope my above feedback helps somewhat. Your story was interesting and had a great philosophical, drug-inducing background to it. There were some spelling errors and perhaps a tad overuse of commas.
As I said in my feedback, try to separate your sentences somewhat.
Also try and look up semi-colons and hyphens, I believe they are under utilized a lot and there is a place for them.

I didn't enjoy your first sentence, the rest seemed fine except for one or two, which I highlighted.

Hope my feedback helped.
:)

playingthepianodrunk
May 16th, 2012, 07:35 AM
​ I searched desperately for a way out but there was none and this monsters eyes were inescapable.I began to see glimpses of my past as this god shape shifted never taking a definite shape but insinuating at a form. What you see I suppose all depends on you. I began to see people from my past. People who I hurt or I felt I treated shamefully. I became torturous, and I cried out demanding answers.
"Why! Why most we suffer so? Tell me please why is life so cold, why doesn't anything make sense? Why are we so sad and lonely? Why can't we find love for each other? I don't understand. No matter how hard we try we will always fail, fail to understand one another, fail to change and fail in general. 3000 years of progress and we are as fucked as ever. Sometimes I can't help but feel life is a joke, like some black humor."
The immortal retorted without words but it was none the less recieved. In an instant I was shown our consciousness and how it came into existence. The same chemicals at work in our brains form the fabric of our universe and all others. We are each one part of this infinite being that is all that there ever was. And we do have moments when we realize this but for most it is too profound and too confusing so it is easier to dismiss it and think of other more daily things.
I saw a child being born, expanding from the delicate embrace of pure love into a world full of lights, sounds, feeling, emotions. I saw the child grow in a house with a loving mother and father. That child grew and fell in love and grew old. I saw that same child now an old man on his death bed with his wife and children by his side in the silence they communicated for the last time as the man took his last breathe and took his place back inside infinity. I recgonized that man as myself.
With that I was transported back to my bed, sweating profusely I tried to come to grips with what had just happened. With all I had seen did it make it any easier to face life. Does knowing what is behind a door make it any easier to step through. Does knowing the date of our death make it any easier to live. I had all the answers and I didn't think so. I don't think things were necessarily worse then before it was more that they were the same. Like soup without the salt life without the mystery.
I've tried since to explain my experience to others but I was never taken serious except in a purely metaphorical way and even then hardly.

playingthepianodrunk
May 16th, 2012, 07:41 AM
Thank you both reading for your input it was well received. You pointed out many things I would not have noticed otherwise. Usually when I'm writing I don't read what I write or necessarily read it how I would someone else's work.