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View Full Version : Sasha x 2 (Well, that's the title.. )



tshuki
May 14th, 2012, 07:18 PM
‘’Will you be alright, living in the city with just your brother?’’ – A woman in her forties asks, while sitting on the table and drinking a hot cup of espresso.
‘’Sure! No problem!’’ – A young girl in her sixteen answers cheerfully and bites off a big chunk of her toast bread, having the crumbles fall on the floor.
‘’Yes, I guess I asked the wrong person.’’ The woman sights seeing that and asks the twin boy sitting besides the girl: ‘’Alexander, will you be alright living in the city with your sister?’’ – The woman seems slightly worried.
‘’It will be alright, Mom. ‘’ – The boy smiles as he gently and carefully holds his cup of tea.
‘’Ah, I still can’t believe you two are going to the capital to go to high school. Is the school here really that bad?’’
‘’It is not bad, but if I want to become a doctor, I need to go to a school with a higher rating. It will increase my possibilities to get a scholarship.’’ The girl answers seriously.
‘’It is hard to argue with you, when you are like that.’’- Mother sights. ‘’And I don’t think the choice of high school means that much, but there is nothing I can say to keep you two home, can’t I?’’
‘’Yes, Mom.’’ The boy answers and his smile is getting wider and wider.
‘’Alexander, you know you will probably be forced to do all the housework and cooking and all?’’- The woman mentions as if by the way.
‘’Well, I am good at it all, and it’s not like I hate that.’’ – Seems like nothing his mother says can erase his smile.
‘’Yes, bro! Hi-five!’’ - Alexandra shouts and gives a hi-five to her brother. ‘’One more reason I can go there with ease! ‘’ After saying that, she drinks all her tea in one go.
‘’Don’t bully your brother, he also has to study hard to get into his first choice university.’’ Mother says a bit worried.
‘’Mom, he’s the last one you need to worry about. He gets all A’s even without doing any work.’’ – Alexandra pouts.
‘’Ehehe, that is not entirely true.’’ Alexander looks a bit uneasy about it.
‘’I’ve never seen you studying, even though we share a room.’’ – Alexandra glares.
‘’It’s just that I do it all my work during the breaks and I pay very much attention in class, it’s not like I don’t study.’’ – He tries to defend.
‘’Breaks are only 10 minutes long, how can a normal person do all that work in such a short time?’’
‘’But it is not like we have to do something we haven’t done in classes before. If you know the answer, then you can answer it quite fast.’’ – Alexander puts it simply.
‘’Ah, you are not normal! When we were in Mother’s womb you must have eaten too much nutrients, that’s why your head works so good, and there must not have been enough left for me.’’ – Alexandra pouts.
‘’But, but, you also got all A’s!’’ Alexander seems a bit confused.
‘’That was because I spent hours of work! It sucks losing, so I did my best you know.’’ Alexandra sights. ‘’And during that time when I was working hard, you were knitting mittens!’’
‘’Yes, and they are really well done and warm!’’ Mother intrudes their discussion with a smile. ’’Both of you should stop arguing and get ready to go. You need to bring your bags to the car.’’
‘’Okay.’’ Alexandra stands up and goes to get her bags. Alexander brings all the dishes to the sink and follows Alexandra. Both of them get their luggage into the baggage and get into the car.
Mother comes out of the house, locks the door and sits before the steering wheel. ‘’Ready to go?’’ – She asks before she starts the engine.
‘’Wait!’’ Alexandra shouts and checks her bag. ‘’Everything’s present! Let’s go!’’
This remark makes Alexander smirk.
‘’Whaaat?’’ Alexandra asks.
‘’Nothing, You are always so energetic.’’ – Alexander answers while smiling.
And so they continue to speak irrelevant matters all the way. These siblings always have something to talk about. Other than their personalities and gender there is nothing different about them. Both have ash-blonde mid-length hair, small complexion and gray eyes. If they weren’t dressed accordingly, you could never tell their gender apart. As well as both of them could be girls, they could as well be boys. They even share their name. If called Sasha, you can’t even differentiate if it is a girl or a boy anymore. And the twins are perfectly aware of it too.
***
After three hours on the way, they finally reach the capital. Ewend is a wonderful city, full of tall buildings, research institutes, schools, entertainment facilities and cultural objects. Alexander sticks to the window with shiny eyes, as this is only his second visit here. The first one was ten years ago, when they came to their grandmother’s funeral. Soon, they reach their destination, a five storey tall Art Noveau style building. They go in and walk with their bags up to the fifth floor, as there is no elevator. Mother takes a key and opens the door.
‘’Come in!’’ –She invites her children. ‘’This is where you will be living these three years.’’
Alexander and Alexandra walk in. The first thing that surprises them is the tall ceiling. After that, the walls with silk tapestry and paintings hanged on them. The floor is covered with parquet; the furniture seems from another century.
‘’This. Looks. Amazing.’’ – Alexandra looks excited looking at it all.
‘’I think so too.’’ – Alexander adds.
‘’Ah, yes, this is my mother’s apartment. I left everything the way she had it before, except I bought two new beds and some other things for your rooms. ‘’ – Mother explains. – ‘’The rooms are basically the same, so you can divide them yourself later on. Let’s go get the remaining luggage, as have to return home soon. ‘’
The three of them go up and down another two times, until all their stuff is up. All of them seem exhausted.
‘’It is a pain they don’t have an elevator.’’ – Alexandra says, while breathing heavily.
‘’This is a historic building, you can’t really install one.’’ – Mother answers the same way, breathing heavily. – ‘’Alright, dears, I need to go back now!’’
‘’Mom, you forgot the keys!’’ – Alexander reminds.
‘’Yes! I did.’’ – Mother opens her handbag and gives them two sets of keys. – ‘’Well then, close the door please. I’ll call you later on, take your time unpacking.’’ – Mother rushes out. Alexandra closes the door.
‘’Can I take the room on the left? I dislike the morning sun.’’ – Alexandra asks.
‘’Yes, I was actually going to ask for the room on the right.’’ – Alexander smiles and answers.
A smile appears on Alexandra’s face. ‘’Well, then, lets exchange our clothes! I guess, you will want to unpack them in your closet right!’’
Alexander smiles back: ‘’Yes, certainly!’’’
Actually studying in the capital was just an excuse to get out of their home and hometown. As the twins had a similar wish – Alexandra disliked being a girl and Alexander could no longer stand being a boy. They look the same way, and if they go to different schools in a different town, there is no way someone can distinguish between them.
***
The thought of becoming each other was not a desire on a whim. Ever since they were little, they felt mixed up. Alexandra wanted to wear pants and run along with the boys, and Alexander liked ribbons and dresses and wanted to play tea with the girls. Their personalities felt swapped, as Alexander has always been a gentle, quiet and delicate human with a love for beautiful things and sweets. Alexandra on the other hand has always been hyperactive, slightly rude and very boyish. Neither of them could fit in well in their own gender, and what’s more troubling – both of them showed more interest towards their own gender than that of the opposite. They grew to believe that their souls got swapped somewhere.
Becoming one another would have been difficult, if they continued to live in their hometown, where everybody knew them, but in Ewend things could be different. For the past year both of them did a lot of preparation. They choose clothes for each other, so they could swap them afterwards; Alexandra did her best and got outstanding marks, so she could get into the Ewend’s best sixth-form collage, because Alexander wanted to study there, Alexander instead had to win a few tracking competitions, so that he could get Alexandra into the Ewend’s Sport academy. Both of them went to buy some transvestite equipment, which was probably the hardest task, more like, the most embarrassing one.
They did surprise their mother on the past year, as Alexander started to do sports, although he was never interested in it, and Alexandra started learning a lot, although previously she was fully content with average marks. Their mother was rather happy, because seeing her daughter buy and sometimes wear girlish frilly clothing was unexpected, but clearly cute, and seeing her son working hard to win competitions made her proud. So when they told her that they wanted to go study in Ewend, she did all she could to help them. The twins did, though, feel a bit guilty as they had ulterior motives.
So, maybe only for three years, they decided to swap their places to see if their feelings are right. And so begins a story about finding oneself.



---
Writers Comment:
I wrote this more than a half a year ago, this is the first part of it. I have three more written, but I didn't want to post too much at one go. :3
It's still on-going and it will be for a long time - as currently I haven't even completed the first chapter. |D

I first posted it here: Sasha x 2 part 1 by *tshuki on deviantART (http://fav.me/d4c00u9) but as Deviantart is more focused on art than writing, then I thought it might be a good idea to try posting my works in a writer forum. ^u^

CJ Tomlinson
May 24th, 2012, 07:39 PM
Alright, first off,

‘’That was because I spent hours of work! It sucks losing, so I did my best you know.’’ Alexandra sights. ‘’And during that time when I was working hard, you were knitting mittens!’’
‘’Yes, and they are really well done and warm!’’

I loved that line. Anyway, moving on!

The writing as a whole feels more like a videogame than a story being told. Like, I feel like I'm playing an RPG. (just a random thought that came to mind while reading)

My advice on fixing this up:

I think you should try to mix up the sentence structures. As it is, you consistently go Dialog, Description of Dialog, Dialog, Description of Dialog etc, and it becomes quite repetitive. Try adding description of facial actions or movements, or whatever else could add to the scene in your mind.

Also, the dialog seems a bit inconsistent to me- a bit stiff at times and fluent at others. I think maybe if you give the mother a separate "voice", if you will- maybe have the twins use more contractions (can't, won't) and the mother uses none "cannot, will not". That's just an example of course. But I think it'll make it easier to tell who's saying what, and add to their personality without you having to tell us more.

To make it easier to understand (because I'm not that great at explaining, I know), here's an example of what how I think you could change it:

---

‘’But it is not like we have to do something we haven’t done in classes before. If you know the answer, then you can answer it quite fast.’’ – Alexander puts it simply.
‘’Ah, you are not normal! When we were in Mother’s womb you must have eaten too much nutrients, that’s why your head works so good, and there must not have been enough left for me.’’ – Alexandra pouts.
‘’But, but, you also got all A’s!’’ Alexander seems a bit confused.

---

I might change that to this;

---

"But it's not like we have to do something we haven't done in classes before," Alexanders says simply. "If you know the answer, you can give it quite fast."

Alexandra stares at her brother. "Ah, you're not normal! When we were in mother's womb you must have eaten too many nutrients!" She starts pouting. "That's why your head works so good; there must not have been enough left for me."

"But, but," Alexander replies, "you also got all A's!"

-----

That wasn't perfect (because it's your story not mine so obviously I can't convey your own meanings as well as you can), but I hope you see what I mean by sentence structure and stuff.

IN ANY CASE! Your description in general is pretty sweet, I can see you have a knack for it.

Also, I have to say, that last bit caught me off guard. For some reason, I wasn't expecting it to go there, but once I understood where it was going I was very impressed. I can remember a few "switching" storylines off the top of my head, but this intriguing twist of yours definitely makes it feel a lot more unique. As I finished reading the last few sentences, I could feel myself falling in love with the storyline and wanting to know more about the characters. I definitely think you've got something here, and I think you should continue!

Don't worry, I know exactly how you feel; the last time I tried writing a book I got stuck within the first two chapters for like two years.

Just keep going, if you don't have an outline you should try making one (that's what I'm doing now and it seems to help!).

Again, I feel you have a solid premise and a great opportunity to create some memorable characters as well. What I've read already makes me very curious as to what's going to happen!

From what I've read; you can do it!

Keep on writing!

Violet-Blue
June 4th, 2012, 07:46 PM
So this read like anime or a graphic novel...not sure if that was your intention? I felt like I was watching Sailor Moon with my daughter. (I love Sailor Moon! he he...) BUT, if that was not your intention here then you need to think about WHO your target audience is: young adult, adults, adult women ages 25-35 or 45+? Once you have that figured out it will be easier to write TO that audience. For a lot of writers, we get an idea in our heads and just start typing away! If you want this story to go somewhere then you really need to plot it out and create a solid outline. Also read, read, read as much as you can in your genre so you get a feel for how others are writing within the genre itself. You also might want to consider changing your tense to third person, past tense rather than present tense. Most fiction is done in past tense and it really throws readers off to read in the present tense unless it's written in first person. ;-)

Here is a good outlining book that I'm using right now: Outlining Your Novel: Map Your Way to Success by K.M. Weiland. You can find it on Kindle or Amazon for $2.99. I have found it invaluable!

Good luck and keep writing!

MariahNaomi
August 6th, 2012, 08:29 AM
Dont be afraid to use alot of detail set the scene like the color of the tapestries what the furniture was made of, but very important with your detail you want your characters to be part of the detail, like:

Alexander walked up to the silk tapestry stroking the cream color hesitantly, as if it might crumble in his hand, and from the corner of his eye watched his sister run to the window. He knew their thoughts were the same....

then from there give more background and delve deeper with detail in their actions. And if you or someone you know wouldn't say a line a certain way then change it to be something you would hear frequently, it makes the story realistic and relatable. :)

I LOVE this idea! stories like this are my favorite!

tshuki
August 23rd, 2012, 04:12 AM
Oh, gosh, my life got very busy so I haven't been here for months. And coming here today was the best choice.

To be honest, I felt this story was.. not quite good and I was thinking of putting it aside, gaining more experience and then writing it again, as it is one of my very first works done in English, but I must say - after reading your comments, I feel I might have evaluated myself too low. Thank you, especially, CJ Tomlinson - you make me want to continue now.

I can agree with everything you said, I never noticed things like that, but really - it's the best advice I've ever received. I'll write it down and when I have a free moment I'll go through my work and improve it. C:

Oh, about it being similar to graphic novel or anime - well, I do watch anime a lot, so the influence has rubbed off on me. And I also like to illustrate, so, if I ever make it into an e-book, It will have lots of illustrations. So, yes, that was intended. The audience is young adult, or at least I've always kept 16 to 25 year olds at the back of my mind. (My younger sister enjoys this story, so I hope I have gotten the right things down) ^u^ Thank you, Violet-Blue.

Thank you, MariahNaomi, I am actually a bit afraid of description writing, not because I can't, but more like - I have read too many works where descriptions make it heavy. I tried to avoid that, maybe went overboard. Ha ha..

So, the next part:

---------------------------------------

The next day in the morning Alexandra and Alexander both went exploring their neighborhood. To test out their exchanged clothing they dressed as each other, Alexander as a girl, Alexandra as a boy.
‘’You look like me!’’ - Alexander noted.
‘’I thought the same.’’ Alexandra agrees: ‘’But you seem a bit different from my usual look, though.’’
‘’Ah, that must be because I put on some mascara and lip gloss.’’ – Alexander explains.
‘’Certainly.’’ – Alexandra looks carefully in his face. ‘’You are a lot more girlish than I have ever been.’’ She sights.
‘’But I think girls should wear the things that make them look more pretty.’’ – Alexander pouts.
‘’Yes, and that’s why I said that.’’ – Alexandra smiles calmly. ‘’Looks good, by the way.’’
Not far from their new home there was a wide walking street with all kinds of shops and malls on it. They curiously passed all kinds of places – huge candy shops, perfume ateliers, cafeterias. As it was Sunday, all the streets were full of people, a lot of them, like the twins, were preparing for the new school year. On their way they almost passed a big window case of a tall building, but Alexandra stopped as something had caught her eye. Alexander noticed she was looking at a picture of a young male celebrity.
‘’You like him?’’ – Alexander smirks.
‘’His hair.’’ - Alexandra says dazed. Then takes a few steps back and enters the building.
Alexander follows her, before going in he looks upwards and notices this is a barbershop. The biggest he has ever seen. A bell rings when they enter and that catches the attention of a lady sitting over a table.
‘’Good morning! Do you have an appointment?’’ - She asks politely.
‘’Good morning! No, but can we make one?’’ – Alexandra answers cheerfully.
‘’Sure. Wait a second.’’ - The lady opens her red laptop. ‘’When would you like to come?’’
‘’As soon as possible would be nice. Now would be the best.’’ - Alexandra answers.
Lady makes a few clicks on her mouse and looks at the schedule. – ‘’Yes, there are two hairdressers free at the moment. I will call up to see if they are ready to take you. ‘’ The lady picks up a phone near her and while she is speaking Alexandra looks at Alexander with excitement. Then the lady puts the phone down and smiles: ‘’Yes, both of you go up. Take the elevator on the left, go out in the third floor.’’.
‘’Thank you!’’ – Alexandra says and drags Alexander into the elevator.
‘’But I wasn’t really…’’ – Alexader tries to complain, but Alexandra stops him: ‘’your current hair due is too simple, you need something a lot cuter.’’ – Alexandra says seriously, and Alexander has nothing left to say.
Elevator opens and both of them go out of it, in front of them sits a lady in the same uniform as the one below, also with a red laptop.
‘’Oh twins! ‘’ – She seems a bit surprised. ‘’Well then boy goes on the left, sixth table. And girl goes on the right – third table.’’
Alexander unconsciously starts moving on the left and Alexandra takes him by the shoulder.
‘’You need to go right.’’ – She smiles.
‘’Ah, right.’’ - Alexander answers a bit embarrassed.
Alexandra goes on the left, looks back, and lifts her thumb. Alexander smiles out loud and goes on the right.
Alexander passes two girls – One gets her hair colored, one gets a cut. He curiously looks at them with shiny eyes, as everything seems so wonderful. He sees that over the hairdressers mirror there is a big black roman number. He stops at the third, and sees a short, green haired girl in her twenties with piercings all over her face in front of him.
‘’Hello! Sit down, please.’’ – The girl says with a smile.
Alexander timidly sits on the wheelchair before the mirror. The hairdresser stands behind him.
‘’Any desires?’’ – She asks.
‘’I’m not really sure, but I’d like to keep the length, and I’d like to be cuter, more girlish.’’ - Alexander says shyly.
The hairdresser smirks, but takes a careful look at his face. ‘’ Hmm, and what do you say about the front?’’
‘’Can I leave that up to you?’’ - Alexander asks, with a timid smile.
The hairdresser’s eyes shine a bit and she answers with a big smile: ‘’off course!’’
***
Alexandra walks to the sixth table and sits on the wheelchair. Her hairdresser is man in his fifties – tall, slim and reminds her of a model. His hair gets a bit frosty around his temple. He turns the chair facing the mirror.
‘’So, what would you like to do?’’ – The man asks politely.
‘’Do you know that picture of a celebrity on the front window?’’ – Alexandra asks eagerly.
‘’Ah, you mean the one with the young tennis player?’’ – The man asks.
‘’Yes, that is my work.’’ - The hairdresser looks a bit proud.
‘’Awesome!’’ - Alexandra says with shiny eyes. – ‘’Can you make me something similar?’’
‘’So short?’’ - The Hairdresser verifies, and looks at Alexandra’s face very carefully.
‘’Yes, I’d like to look more manly, or else I get mistaken for a girl.’’ – Alexandra says.
‘’If that’s the case, looking at your face I’d suggest something slightly different, that would suit your look a lot better.
Alexandra thinks a bit: ‘’If it looks boyish, I’m fine with it. ‘’
‘’Yes, effect should be very similar.’’ – The hairdresser smiles.
***
Alexander walks to the secretary with his new look. He is slightly unsure, because the changes seem a bit radical. Alexandra is already waiting for him in a club chair by the window. Alexandra has short hair now, with a slightly visible side cut. She notices Alexander and stands up:
‘’Whoa!’’ – She walks all around him. – ‘’Fantastic!’’
Alexander smiles relieved. ‘’I’d say the same about you!’’.
He walks up to the lady with the laptop.
‘’Will you pay with a card?’’ – The lady asks.
‘’Yes.’’ – He answers.
‘’Then put the card in here.’’ The lady points at a gray colored device. Alexander puts in the card, enters the pass and receives the invoice.
‘’Thank you for choosing us! Have a nice day!’’ – The lady smiles.
‘’Goodbye!’’ – Alexandra says and drags Alexander in the elevator. They say the same thing to the lady on the first floor, and go out.
They don’t speak much on their way home, but when they close the door behind them – their voices are full with excitement.
‘’You look like a genuine girl now. And a beautiful one! I never imagined my face had such a potential!’’ – Alexandra says.
‘’And you are a genuine boy now – short hair look amazingly good!’’
‘’Right?’’ – Alexandra smiles with pride.
‘’But the hairdressers here sure are expensive!’’ – Alexander conveys.
‘’True.’’ – Alexandra replies with a sour smile. - ‘’How much it was to you?’’
‘’40$’’ – Alexander seems a bit sad.
‘’I had 25$, I guess that’s because boy’s cuts are cheaper.’’ – Alexandra doesn’t seem so sour anymore. ‘’But is was well worth it!’’ - Alexandra smiles.
Alexander smiles back: ‘’I agree.’’
‘’Now we are all set to go to school tomorrow!’’ – Alexandra seems fired up, and goes to her room.
Alexander smirks and also goes to his room, because he needs to get ready as well.
***
Tomorrow is the 1’st September – the day when their true adventure begins. Alexander will start attending Ewend’s Medical academy and Alexandra will go to Ewend’s all boys’ sports high school.
Both are anxious and unsure, still at the same time excited and full with expectations, because they have waited for this moment for such a long time.
Both of their uniforms had already arrived earlier that morning, all that is left is to wake up and face towards their dream.