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jamie's
May 14th, 2012, 06:56 PM
Hi, people,
Here's another story/draft that one (well...me:)) should better as there is always need of it I gather.
So please your much appreciated crits and comments on this one,
Many Thanks,
Buy,
jamie's



Bonds Of Breed



It was when the people, called astronauts, reached the Moon, that it was a great happening. Gathered around their receivers called TVs and radios, millions of open minded could not gather the magnitude of the process being brought to its finish up there. Years and months had been spent on the astronauts' gathering up there. There somewhere where the eyes of a lonely cowboy were directed. No TV and no radio for him. He had to consult a coworker of his.

''Tell me, Handy'' began Steve, as his coworker finished with his coffee, and lay beside him.
''Is there something up there? What do you think?''
''Where – do you mean? Couldn't you be a little more unspeciffic?'' answered Andy, the Handy.
''Up there, the stars? What are they, anyways? Do you know? What have you heard about it? Are they there to stay like forever?''
''Tomorrow you'll be a bit more informed, without me getting involved in you asking.''
''How come?''
''Well, Steve. Tomorrow too there will still be stars, and horses. Think about the horses for a change. Your job done today was below my expectations.''
''Doesn't hurt if I ask you something, Handy. And remember that the horses belong to me. I'm the boss. I run the things around here.''
''So, that's why you're asking me about the stars and stuff. Not a good way to go, my son. At least, that's your father's opinion. 'Teach him!' – that's what he's been telling me for some long time now, you know.''
''It's not up to him to say anything about me. Least when it comes to stars and stuff.''
''Boy, are you dumb. I feel sorry foryou, boy.''
''Right back at you, Handy.'' Handy started to snore and Steve continued to watch the night sky, let's say – unobstructed.
By any light pollution.
The fire was dying, so he chose to quickly get up and put another log. The fire got bigger. The color of it was being lostup there somewhere, up there where his gaze was lost in a search of an answer, certainty, a star.
''We wait for tomorrow.'' Steve lay on his back. Beside him there was the warm fire, the cold coworker, the horses –as if they were proud to be compaired to the stars. It seemed that a mare wasgoing to foal any time tomorrow.



***



''Good morning, people!'' the radio was on, and the people were up and about. ''Today we can say that the dreams of so many of us have come true. There were people on the Moon. They were walking the Moon. They put our flag there for us to enjoy their unique success. How are we going to pay them back? By striving in all the things thatwe take for granted!'' the reporter was sincerely excited and he wanted for the people to feel the same way. He needed them to feel sincere.

A yard away from the radio there was a man who talked with Handy. It seemed that Handy was sincerely listening to the man; the man's and the reporter's voices were overlapping.
''What you're trying to say to me is that my son isn't apt to learn the job. That's not out of the ordinary for his age. You should have been there and take a look at me when I was his age. I wanted to move to California. Thought that my job was there. Didn't have any obligations to people, I thought. Thankfully. I moved here. Why? Because I had learned about the meaning of the beneffit of hindsight. So will Steve.''
''But sir, Steve is out of the ordinary. He doesn't respect your herd and he doesn't respect my job. He doesn't respect what a herd stands for.''
''And what does a herd stand for?''
''Well, it stands for sincerity, loyalty, ethics. It stands for success. If you ask me, sir. If you're interested in my life story, that is.''
''Handy, I know you, I know the love you're inspired by. But we'll just have to wait for Steve's future, wherever it may take place. The youth are like shooting...stars! Darn it!''
Handy returned the father's smile with pleasure. Violining was coming out of the radio. Somebody was clapping hishands outside.
''That's nice Handy. You can hear Steve's clapping? He might have been eavesdropping, and rightfully so. I'm not going to get all stiff everyplace at my youngster, stiff to my boy's approaches and wishes. Even if these seem to have no mirror in them for me. There is a mirror for myself in him and I'm going to find my reflection there. I'm about to understand, my man.''
Steve entered the radio room, and asked Handy what were they going to do that day. ''We're continuing where we stopped, Steve.''
''Your dad's a really smart guy. I try to sometimes get a word in edgeways, but it don't seem to have sense when your dad and you are around. Let it stay like that. Steve. Sir.''
Handy left the room satisfied to have been able to wittness a strong family bonding. Not many people can right now say that they are being wittnesses to a familiar thing, thought Handy. So familiar that even the wild horses couldn't take it away, away to some unknown place, to a place where man hasn't stepped foot.



***


The Handy's Sunday evening came to pass. He had spent all of the time watching the sky, counting the stars. Counting the stars – mission impossible. Not if you don't count the ones you've already counted. ''Hahaha'', Handy's belly was dancing as he laughed within himself. He laughed and the stars were dancing in his eyes. He was satisfied, so much. Familiar. Years had come to pass since he last felt familiar, he felt humbled then. Now it didn't seem so long ago. Now as well he felt humbled. He thought of the son Steve, and of Steve's father. Because, he was thinking of his own son now. ''There are you, my boy. Up there with the stars. You are a 'NASA astronaut', that's how you're called now. To me, just like the wild horses, you are. I love you, my boy. You've been to the stars, and you came back to me.

I survived
May 15th, 2012, 03:22 PM
Is English your second language? SSeveral of the sentences seemed to be missing words; for instance "Your job done today was done below my expectations". It would read smoother as "The job you did today was below my expectations." Here's some hints for the first part of your story.


It was when the people, called astronauts, reached the Moon, that it there was a great happening. Gathered around their receivers called TVs and radios, millions of the open minded could not gather the magnitude of the process being brought to its finish up there. Years and months had been spent on the astronauts' gathering up there. There somewhere where the eyes of a lonely cowboy were directed. No TV and no radio for him. He had to consult a coworker of his.

''Tell me, Handy'' began Steve, as his coworker finished with his coffee, and lay beside him.
''Is there something up there? What do you think?''
''Where – do you mean? Couldn't you be a little more unspeciffic?'' answered Andy, the Handy.
''Up there, the stars? What are they, anyways? Do you know? What have you heard about it? Are they there to stay like, forever?''
''Tomorrow you'll be a bit more informed, without me getting involved in you asking.''
reword sentence I'm not sure where you're going.
''How come?'' Who said this?

''Well, Steve. Tomorrow too there will still be stars, and horses. Think about the horses for a change. Your job done today was below my expectations.''
''Doesn't hurt if I ask you something, Handy. And remember that the horses belong to me. I'm the boss. I run the things around here.''
''So, that's why you're asking me about the stars and stuff. Not a good way to go, my son. At least, that's your father's opinion. 'Teach him!' – that's what he's been telling me for some long time now, you know.''
''It's not up to him to say anything about me. Least when it comes to stars and stuff.''
''Boy, are you dumb. I feel sorry for you, boy.''
''Right back at you, Handy.'' Handy started to snore and Steve continued to watch the night sky, let's say – unobstructed, by any light pollution.
The fire was dying, so he chose to quickly get up and put on another log. The fire got bigger. The color of it was being lost up there somewhere, up there where his gaze was lost in a search of an answer, certainty, a star.
''We wait for tomorrow.'' Steve lay on his back. Beside him there was the warm fire, the cold coworker, the horses –as if they were proud to be compaired to the stars. It seemed that a mare was going to foal any time tomorrow.

jamie's
May 15th, 2012, 07:16 PM
Is English your second language? SSeveral of the sentences seemed to be missing words; for instance "Your job done today was done below my expectations". It would read smoother as "The job you did today was below my expectations." Here's some hints for the first part of your story.


It was when the people, called astronauts, reached the Moon, that it there was a great happening. Gathered around their receivers called TVs and radios, millions of the open minded could not gather the magnitude of the process being brought to its finish up there. Years and months had been spent on the astronauts' gathering up there. There somewhere where the eyes of a lonely cowboy were directed. No TV and no radio for him. He had to consult a coworker of his.

''Tell me, Handy'' began Steve, as his coworker finished with his coffee, and lay beside him.
''Is there something up there? What do you think?''
''Where – do you mean? Couldn't you be a little more unspeciffic?'' answered Andy, the Handy.
''Up there, the stars? What are they, anyways? Do you know? What have you heard about it? Are they there to stay like, forever?''
''Tomorrow you'll be a bit more informed, without me getting involved in you asking.''
reword sentence I'm not sure where you're going.
''How come?'' Who said this?

''Well, Steve. Tomorrow too there will still be stars, and horses. Think about the horses for a change. Your job done today was below my expectations.''
''Doesn't hurt if I ask you something, Handy. And remember that the horses belong to me. I'm the boss. I run the things around here.''
''So, that's why you're asking me about the stars and stuff. Not a good way to go, my son. At least, that's your father's opinion. 'Teach him!' – that's what he's been telling me for some long time now, you know.''
''It's not up to him to say anything about me. Least when it comes to stars and stuff.''
''Boy, are you dumb. I feel sorry for you, boy.''
''Right back at you, Handy.'' Handy started to snore and Steve continued to watch the night sky, let's say – unobstructed, by any light pollution.
The fire was dying, so he chose to quickly get up and put on another log. The fire got bigger. The color of it was being lost up there somewhere, up there where his gaze was lost in a search of an answer, certainty, a star.
''We wait for tomorrow.'' Steve lay on his back. Beside him there was the warm fire, the cold coworker, the horses –as if they were proud to be compaired to the stars. It seemed that a mare was going to foal any time tomorrow.



Hi, I survived,
Many Thanks for Your help,
Second language, yep:)
Bye,
jamie's

akrathan
June 10th, 2012, 06:58 PM
The first sentence itself was confusing. I would develop the first paragraph so that the reader knows where they are and what's going on before launching into the dialogue. Perhaps cut back on the dialogue - it seems a bit too dialogue heavy. Good luck! :)