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Unseen
May 13th, 2012, 05:13 PM
I hope you enjoy. Idea came to me from a dream I had while i was sleeping the night. Enjoy!








As he approached the source of the sound, He realizes the 'bush' he's been weary of is simply camouflage, but camouflage for what? He removes the foliage to come across a cage. With a quiet roar and a quick leap on to the bars of the cage, A captive leopard stares in to his eyes with ferocity. Moments pass as the eyes transfer more than words. The leopards expression calms and he settles on his hind legs. The man kneels down to listen...

Without speaking, The leopard communicates. “You, You are not like the rest of the humans. They have falsely imprisoned me. They believe I am the same wild beast that roams their plane.”

“I will speak with these, people.” The man assured the leopard. With that he arose from his knee and looked for the nearby village that had imprisoned the leopard. Entering the village, He notices the tribes people are famished and not well kept. When he approaches the center of the village he finds the well kept and well fed tribe leader. Sitting in a chair made of quality material. The man approaches and is halted by one of the leader's bodyguards. He takes a few steps back and confronts him.

“Not releasing this captive animal will lead to your demise...” He said to the tribe leader calmly. Counting the weapons that surround him. One longsword, front. One dagger, Tribe leaders obscure pocket on side of chair. One unequipped bow, No one visible with arrows.

The tribe leader laughs in his face and asks “And who's army demands me to do so?” The tribe leader looks at his bodyguard, a signal to dispose of their unwanted guest. The bodyguard approaches and places his right hand on the handle of his sheathed flimsy longsword.

The man, using his left hand, Pulls a small dagger sheathed behind his back. With one quick motion he un sheathed the blade and slit the throat of the approaching bodyguard, Striking the jugular. He then uses his right hand to handle a small circular and aerodynamic blade. Quickly throwing it in the direction of the tribe leader. Having done all this faster then the human mind could grasp the tribe leader was caught with the spinning blade as it passed through him. The blade was razor sharp and thin but solid. The circular blade cut him at the neck. Aimed perfectly, it passed through the center of the tribe leader's neck and out the back.

The bodyguard lay bleeding profusely onto the ground, Gargling through blood for air. The tribe leader stood momentarily as his tribe stood in shock and awe. Slowly, the head of the tribe leader rolled forward off of the body. His body crumbling to it's knees first, then torso following.

tshuki
May 14th, 2012, 02:05 AM
I like the idea about the speaking-with-eyes leopard and the setting is unusual too. From your writing it seems that you have clearly described your impressions, but forgotten about the logic behind their actions, so in the end this story seems chaotic. Dreams are like that - but stories shouldn't.
I think you could make an amazing novel out of this concept - so it's kind of a pity this story is so short. ^u^

Unseen
May 14th, 2012, 04:42 AM
Cool! I was hoping someone would latch on to the idea and say it could use more. There's plenty more. My dream was twisted and pretty long. Still trying to decipher it. But without ruining the story The man and leopard unite and fight evil (to sound cliche lol) And it will be iinteresting. I have more to write and this was a very quick on-the-draw sort of writing this time around. Didnt think it out much was busy but can't wait to return to the concept again soon. Oh, and thank you!

Edit: I may even work on it tonight, lets see if i can brush off a dictionary work on my grammar and get something good out of it and by the way if anybody has a recomendation for a total page total word suggestion (example like a 150 page short story or shorter more what?) I am going for short stories. easier to give them attention. I bieieve an actual novel is quite large, I am aware there are short novels but how much of a difference between a short novel and a short story?

CJ Tomlinson
May 14th, 2012, 03:23 PM
Other than the grammar mistakes and typos, the other most glaring, jarring thing to me was that it switced tenses a lot. You should pick the tense you feel most comfortable with and write the whole thing in it.

That being said, the story itself is enjoyable and while a bit wild it follows a structure. Also; great use of imagery. Very descriptive.

As for the differences between novel and short, length is one; shorts are usually over 2500 and under 7000 words (roughly). Also, a way to tell which one you want to write is to figure out if the plot is singular, or if it branches out and has side plots, or more than one character arch, that sort of thing. More than one point to be made usually (not always) points to a novel in the making.


I think you should finish this, it's a great read all in all.

lowprofile300
May 15th, 2012, 12:15 AM
Unseen, I agree with Tshuki and Tomlinson. The story is chaotic and wordy. You switching tenses, made it hard for me to follow the story. While you work on it tonight, keep that in mind. I look forward to your final edit and addition.

Skodt
May 15th, 2012, 12:55 AM
I hope you enjoy. Idea came to me from a dream I had while i was sleeping the night. Enjoy!








As he approached the source of the sound, He realizes (Either Approaches, or realized so they are both in the same tense. Also he doesn't need to be capitalized.)the 'bush' he's been weary of is simply camouflage, but camouflage for what? He removes the foliage to come across a cage. With a quiet roar and a quick leap on to the bars of the cage, A captive leopard stares in to his eyes with ferocity. Moments pass as the eyes transfer more than words. The leopards expression calms and he settles on his hind legs. The man kneels down to listen...

Without speaking, The leopard communicates. “You, You are not like the rest of the humans. They have falsely imprisoned me. They believe I am the same wild beast that roams their plane.”

“I will speak with these, people.” The man assured the leopard.( He isn't shocked by the talking Leopard at all?) With that he arose from his knee and looked for the nearby village that had imprisoned the leopard. Entering the village, He notices the tribes people are famished and not well kept. When(As, your tenses are all confusing.) he approaches the center of the village he finds the well kept and well fed tribe leader. Sitting in a chair made of quality material. The man approaches and is halted by one of the leader's bodyguards. He takes a few steps back and confronts him.

“Not releasing this captive animal will lead to your demise...” He said(says) to the tribe leader calmly. Counting the weapons that surround him. One longsword, front. One dagger, Tribe leaders obscure pocket on side of chair. One unequipped bow, No one visible with arrows.( You don't capatalize after commas)

The tribe leader laughs in his face and asks “And who's army demands me to do so?” The tribe leader looks at his bodyguard, a signal to dispose of their unwanted guest. The bodyguard approaches and places his right hand on the handle of his sheathed flimsy longsword.

The man, using his left hand, Pulls a small dagger sheathed behind his back. With one quick motion he un sheathed the blade and slit the throat of the approaching bodyguard, Striking the jugular. He then uses his right hand to handle a small circular and aerodynamic blade. Quickly throwing it in the direction of the tribe leader. Having done all this faster then the human mind could grasp the tribe leader was caught with the spinning blade as it passed through him. The blade was razor sharp and thin but solid. The circular blade cut him at the neck. Aimed perfectly, it passed through the center of the tribe leader's neck and out the back.

The bodyguard lay bleeding profusely onto the ground, Gargling through blood for air. The tribe leader stood momentarily as his tribe stood in shock and awe. Slowly, the head of the tribe leader rolled forward off of the body. His body crumbling to it's knees first, then torso following.

This is written like a dream. Confusing full of holes and leading to nowhere. I have no idea after reading this who the leopard was? Why he was different then any other leopard? Why this man was in the forest? Why this man possesed amazing fighting skillz, who the tribe was. Why he was just allowed to walk up to a leader and throw around a knife? You need to work on tenses and fill in gaps in the story. Also don't capatalize words after commas it's not needed. Other then that keep writting things will fall easier into place for you. Everyone starts somewhere and if you expand and think about your dream it surley could become a viable story.

Unseen
May 15th, 2012, 04:41 PM
I would just like to say thank you for your comments i take all in to consideration. I am completely aware of my Tense problem. That happens when I write a rough draft :P And as for the questions ... Yeah your not supposed to know alot about whats going on . Although dont fear. My edited version will explain hopefully clearly what is happening. As for other questions i mean ... all in due time ok? and also if it gives you comfort i came up with a name for our main character.... PHAZ pronounced FAHZ. I got it from the first letters of a few greek gods. Posieden Hades Apollo Zues. As for who the leopard is and what they are doing and how they came to be and all of that like i said will be explained in due time. Keep in mind this is extremely rought draft and i have already re written this piece. But I don't want to release it here until; I get more story into it so, like you mentioned, would be less dream like and more realistic and understandable. Again Thank you all.

mninp
June 12th, 2012, 12:25 AM
What I gauge is that your story has a lot of potential. Definitely more novel material than short story. I happen to like personified animal characters, so the leopard intrigues me. But this is quite obviously a dream. Develop the characters more in your mind. The main character seems very multi-dimensional and he seems to have a lot of development potential. It's a good start, but consider making it more fleshed out. Maybe the leopard is one of many in a tribe and there is a war between the leopards and this other tribe. The main character could be caught in the middle somehow, but he seems a bit chaotic. A bit sociopathic, schizophrenic, I can't really pin it down. Write down ideas and flesh them out. I would really like to know his motives, if he even has any at all. Maybe a bit of an anti-hero? The fact that he seems to kill without remorse is interesting. Good ideas.

Koechophe
June 13th, 2012, 09:20 AM
I read by "feeling" the emotions of the characters (Probably stems from my inability to visualize whatsoever and my method acting experiences) and I kind of found this to be a little bit undefined. The emotions of the protagonist are not displayed at all, in fact, it seems to be his defining quality. I guess what i'm trying to say is, I think it would be better if you gave some indication as to what the protagonist is feeling. The story almost seems to short, like you were rushing to finish it, or like it was a summary of something much larger.

Still, good work. I would love to see this in more detail.

Unseen
June 14th, 2012, 06:20 AM
The story almost seems to short, like you were rushing to finish it, or like it was a summary of something much larger.

Both, correct.