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View Full Version : A short quote from July 2012 romance suspense book DEEP BLUE EYES ON THE GREEK ISLES



dsaranti
May 12th, 2012, 11:12 PM
A description of Sophie from upcoming DEEP BLUE EYES ON THE GREEK ISLES (http://deepblue-dimitri.blogspot.com/2011/10/description-of-sophie-from-upcoming.html)



After dinner, they both went to their room to dress for the club. Paul was ready quicker, so he went out to the pool and had his Diet Coke. He was anxiously waiting to see how Sophie would look in her “surprise” dress.
She emerged half an hour later and she was breathtakingly, stunningly beautiful. The wonderful simple but very graceful flowing red dress she was wearing was made just to suit her. It’s bright, eye-catching colour, her glistening silver necklace and stylish red clutch bag with her discreet matching Fendi shoes made her look sexy, but not revealing, elegant and shining. Her face was stunning with it’s perfectly balanced characteristics, higher cheek bones, her narrow distinct nose with it’s nicely tanned but perfect silk-fine skin searing warmth, and her deep blue eyes with their long eye lashes radiating the messages of love. She was like a beautiful lotus flower blossoming in the autumn. She was the Lady in red. She walked elegantly to his couch, where Janet was waiting with Sophie’s drink.
“I am stunned,” Paul said. “You are absolutely beautiful. And, your red dress…You are the Lady in red!

wordwreck
May 13th, 2012, 12:57 AM
I'd like for you to take a shot at rewriting this passage using only ONE adverb and only FIVE adjectives. If you can pull that off, I guarantee your competence as a writer will have improved one-hundred-fold.

A sentence draws breath on its verbs. These are yours: went, dress, was, had, emerged, made, look, radiating, walked and stunned.

Take 90% of the energy you use on your adjectives and adverbs and apply it to your verbs and nouns, and your writing will be much better.

tshuki
May 14th, 2012, 02:17 AM
Oh well.. this tells a lot about her appearance, but nothing about her as a human. And that Paul guy seems like a total playboy..saying the 'right things'. XD
I feel you could've written it all in two sentences without losing anything, letting the reader have much more freedom in the way he sees this character. At the moment you are almost forcing the reader to accept your vision and agree that she is beautiful - but as I imagined her, I couldn't agree with you and so it felt false. :<

WriterJohnB
May 14th, 2012, 12:25 PM
I agree, too much description. Why use 1 adjective when you can use 3 or 4?

JohnB

Neath Lankly
May 16th, 2012, 12:43 AM
I'd like for you to take a shot at rewriting this passage using only ONE adverb and only FIVE adjectives. If you can pull that off, I guarantee your competence as a writer will have improved one-hundred-fold.

A sentence draws breath on its verbs. These are yours: went, dress, was, had, emerged, made, look, radiating, walked and stunned.

Take 90% of the energy you use on your adjectives and adverbs and apply it to your verbs and nouns, and your writing will be much better.

I disagree but I do agree that a sentence draws breath on its verbs.

The above passage uses a lot of adverbs, but complex verbs mixed with multiple and/or descriptive adverbs can sometimes provide difficult reading in my opinion.
I think the passage is extremely well written and I cannot find any issue with it- but again it will depend on the reader.
I noticed that you used commas rarely and used short sentences effectively and in the appropriate places. I envied your writing ability, and I was instantly drawn in.
Bravo.

pitchmid06
May 16th, 2012, 02:59 AM
I do believe that those above me have the right of it. There is a lot of potential for a good description here but it is a bit overdone. You don't have to hit a homerun with every sentence, just give us enough to keep it interesting.

Dearest
May 16th, 2012, 10:38 AM
Honestly, you gave me an entire paragraph and I only have the barest idea of what this chick actually looks like. I think you lost yourself in abstraction. It's okay to get carried away with figurative language, but make sure to anchor it in lots of concrete details. Rather than saying that this girl is beautiful, tell us what makes her beautiful. Also, clothes tend not to matter that much. It's nice to give a general idea, but she probably won't be wearing them for more then a few scenes. The person under the clothes should come first.