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View Full Version : Daihre - Chapter with 367 words (Some language)



abuistrago
May 10th, 2012, 02:47 AM
This is a short chapter (probably chapter 2 or 3) from the story I've decided to call Daihre for now. You can find the introduction here:

http://www.writingforums.com/fantasy-sci-fi-horror/129219-untitled-fantasy-just-introduction.html

I know it's hard to get a feel of the story with just a small chapter, especially when it's not even the first one but I wanted to see what you thought about this. Let me give you some context.

Vanessa, the MC, has just been shot. She's at the hospital. Kian is her brother.

All imput is appreciated :)


I was helpless. I could barely open my eyes and I couldn’t move at all.

Oddly, my hearing was working perfectly.

I could hear tons of machines beeping and my mother crying softly. My father, in a rather monotone voice was trying to tell her that everything would be alright but couldn’t finish most of his sentences.

“You’ll have to decide who’s going to spend the night with her. I can’t have you both in here”, a doctor told my parents.

“She’s awake!”

My mother kissed my forehead and kept repeating I was going to be fine. She didn’t sound too convinced and the fact that I felt like shit didn’t reassure me much.

“That’s a good sign, right? She’s going to make it, isn’t she?” My father’s voice sounded so pathetically needy that I almost felt sorry for him.

I should’ve been feeling sorry for myself. I was going to die, I just knew it, but all I felt was rage. I was pissed.

‘I shouldn’t be here’. The thought played over and over in my head

“Kian”. The word escaped my lips and I could see the confusion in my mother’s eyes.

“He’s right outside, honey. He can’t be here”

“Kian” I mustered as much strength as I could to say it again. I could hear a clock ticking in my head getting louder by the second.

My mom looked at the doctor and he nodded. “Just for a couple of minutes”.

I closed my eyes. I was exhausted.

“Hey you little punk”. I was awake again and saw my brother, his eyes bloodshot and his smile was the saddest one I’d seen.

I tried to look around the room but couldn’t. Not hearing another sound but our breathing I knew that we were alone.

“He can’t… get away with it” My voice sounded low and breathy. At first I thought he couldn’t make out what I’d said, but then his face went hard. He felt the same way I did. He understood.

“He won’t.”

I felt a slight ringing in my ears. I was so tired. My brother smiled as my eyes closed.

“I love you Nessa”

And then I knew. This was it.

RoosterSmith
May 10th, 2012, 06:26 AM
Sounds cool man. A little short though. Would like to see shorter chapters like this posted along with other chapters of equal leagnth.

abuistrago
May 10th, 2012, 07:19 PM
Yeah, this is probably the only chapter that's going to be this short... I just wanted her death to have it's own short chapter :D

mwalsh
October 22nd, 2012, 02:54 PM
I liked it, I would say that the end when her brother walks in maybe needs a little more description.

At the moment it seems too short for the reader to feel. More description about the brothers expressions or sounds of sobs would get the reader to connect more. Also, it seems to happen a little quick at the end.

Looking good though, keeping it short makes sense because of her slipping in and out of consciousness.