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WiredNun
May 9th, 2012, 08:05 PM
*

RoosterSmith
May 9th, 2012, 10:02 PM
This story was alrigh man. is Low Justice a seires?

Will we be seeing the Low Justice Vs the Resturant Employees that don't wash their hands?

WiredNun
May 10th, 2012, 02:20 AM
*

RoosterSmith
May 10th, 2012, 06:23 AM
Yo, Nun. I love the second installment!

Got some questions though. The first story was definetly some low justice. But the justice in the second story was way high!

Is this guy an angel? An Angel from Lucifer's army!?

What's wrong with this guys forehead? What kind of crown does he wanna get back? A halo? Would a halo leave scars? Horns?

Dude, love the story, really cool, man.

WiredNun
May 10th, 2012, 12:55 PM
Rooster,

I think normally the writer wants to leave questions in the mind of the reader so he wants to learn more from the next stories, rather than have it all explained. Also, sometimes art is deliberately ambiguous.

Do you think you have enough info to understand, but enough questions to want more? I hope so.

But since we're in a writer's forum here, I'll answer anyway. Also because it's fun.

My take on Low Justice as a concept is justice for the people, the little people, that never gets addressed. There's also the idea of it being rough and ready justice, not all polished and in court. On the spot. Also, I didn't want it to be just about retribution or vengeance. Those have been done to death. They are side effects, not Frank's goal. Fun side effects, sure. He's got his vengeful side.

Yes, you correctly put the clues together. I envision Frank as a fallen angel trying to earn his way back into heaven. In my vision, every angel has a crown, or maybe a halo, which was ripped from his head after he rebelled, thus leaving hornlike projections. Leaving it deliberately vague for most readers was intentional. Have to let the reader imagine.

Thanks for your kind words. I'd really like some critique, though, if there is anything you didn't like. Anything out of place, anything that rang false, or could be improved. Cheers.

RoosterSmith
May 10th, 2012, 06:40 PM
Not really. Sometimes I felt that the narration was hard to follow. Like, I wouldn't now who the main charector was talking to or what he was talking about. But the confusion wouldn't last more than two or three sentences.

The whole story was actually pretty tight.

WiredNun
May 11th, 2012, 02:40 AM
I just edited both stories, cut about 5% of the wordiness from each, after some feedback from a friend. I think they will read better, cleaner, now. Enjoy, and please give brutal feedback.

Red_Venus
May 11th, 2012, 05:48 PM
If I may be presumptuos to put in my two pennies, I really liked it. The concept is good, the character/s solid. There are minor things, like the use of a superfluous semi-colon here and there, but honestly, way good. To me, good writing gets you to look past the grammer and sucks you into the story. Besides, by the tenth time you re-write this with an editor, all that crap will start taking care of itself. Trust me. ;)

venus

WiredNun
May 11th, 2012, 06:34 PM
Not presumptuous at all, all feedback is much appreciated, especially that which identifies problems.

Praise is like chocoalate; we love it, and it's bad for us. Tell me where I went wrong.

Thanks!

Red_Venus
May 11th, 2012, 07:42 PM
Actually, being a chocoholic myself, there has is inarguable, sientific proof that chocolate is good for us...but only the dark and not in huge quanities. The same could be said of constructive praise. Tear something apart too much and a person looses heart, motivation, and possibly a brilliant dream. I ain't no dream killa!


(However, if you need a proof and some pointers, give me a couple days and I'll rip your piece a new one if you like. ;) )

WiredNun
May 11th, 2012, 10:39 PM
I like.

That's what I do to others.

Every sadist hides a masochist inside.

And vice-versa.

Red_Venus
May 11th, 2012, 10:54 PM
okay here:
The bastard in the SUV kissed my bumper. Kept going. Made a 3-lane change across my nose with no signal.

I tend think of the progression of the action when writing a scene. The SUV didn't kiss your bumper first..the idiot driver (and I know about those having enjoyed the traffic in Williston-f*cking, North Dakota the past two years) started to cross three lanes and knocked lips with your bumper at that point. Now we all know it's the kiss that your MC felt first, but really the two were simultaneous...and because simultaneous is harder to show in writing, it would seem better to show it via the natural thought progression of how the legendary smooch of metal went down.

e.g. The bastard in the Suv made a three-lane change across my nose with no signal and kissed my bumper. Kept going...

Does that make sense? I'm great at thinking and writing it...worse at writing an explanantion of why I write how I write... (And I love elipses with a naughty passion. Sorry.)

WiredNun
May 12th, 2012, 08:30 PM
That makes perfect sense, except it's not what I was trying to say.

I'll edit, see if it works.

WiredNun
May 12th, 2012, 08:35 PM
***

Well, for some reason it won't let me edit anything.

Trying to change it to this:

The bastard in the SUV kissed my back bumper. Kept going around me. Made a 3-lane change across my nose with no signal.

WiredNun
May 14th, 2012, 02:47 AM
Unfortunately due to submission guidelines for some magazines, anything that is available elsewhere on the web is ineligible. So I had to delete the stories. Thanks for the feedback for those who gave it.

Red_Venus
May 14th, 2012, 02:40 PM
***

Well, for some reason it won't let me edit anything.

Trying to change it to this:

The bastard in the SUV kissed my back bumper. Kept going around me. Made a 3-lane change across my nose with no signal.

Okay. I see where you were going with it now. Makes perfect sense!

I see you have another chunk up, so I will try to read that here soon. (Is it bad if I say on some level this reminds me of The Minority Report??)

**On a side, in the past, we always encourgaed people not to edit their original posts so that the readers of the thread didn't get thrown off and confused while sifting through the pointers and the edits (afterall, this is can also be a "learn by example" sort of forum), so I always just edited my personal copy. I don't know if that is even a consideration or not anymore (I haven't been a regular here in almost two years), but I always found it somewhat helpful. Am I being too bossy for the "New Girl"? If so, ignore or tell me to taper off and I'll leave you alone. :)

WiredNun
May 14th, 2012, 03:10 PM
I do appreciate the feedback. If it wasn't clear to you, it won't be clear to others. It's exactly what I like.

All art is imitative and referential. Craft even more so. If it reminds you of something, that's good. It gives you a point of reference. As long as it is not TOO imitative. There's always a balance. What do you think?


Point taken about the edits. Be bossy, I'll tell you if you cross a line. I'm a talented and experienced technical writer; I have no fear of criticism of my English style. It's this creative writing thing that's new to me. After a 30-year career in the military and industry, I am tired of the corporate grind and the confinement.

An analogy: I am like an experienced welder who wants to change from industry to metal art. Same fundamentals, radically different application and result. I need to learn to write for an audience that reads for pleasure.

Thanks again. Be brutal.

Red_Venus
May 14th, 2012, 03:51 PM
No. Your story is not too similiar to The Minority Report. I love reading male writers because they tend to have a somewhat better ability (maybe it's all that "right brain/ left brain" crap....)to be more technical in their writing (a trait I wish I had and could utilize more effectively). If you have background in it, so much the better!

I am pretty picky, for the most part, of who I invest my time in reading and critting. So, for what it's worth, it means I like your work if I do comment. And I also like an honest, "no-stops-pulled" crit myself, so if ever you get the chance to return the favor, rip it up! ;)

WiredNun
May 14th, 2012, 06:24 PM
Red,

I agree with you about investing in certain writers, or a certain level of writing, and I thank you for your time and effort. If it's too bad, I don't bother critiquing. My time is too valuable to teach grade-school English. Others are willing to do that, bless them. Not I.

I tried to go through your profile and find any of your work. I suppose I'm just not yet sufficiently adept to find it. Feel free to post links to your stories and I shall give you my critique, worth exactly as much as you paid for it.

Also, I think you mean "All stops pulled." "No stops pulled" would mean a weak tepid thing. As in "Pull out all the stops and go for it!"

Red_Venus
May 14th, 2012, 09:05 PM
Also, I think you mean "All stops pulled." "No stops pulled" would mean a weak tepid thing. As in "Pull out all the stops and go for it!"

Lol. Ok. What you said. :P