PDA

View Full Version : Senescent (...caution, slight gore...)



Taknovrthewrld
April 25th, 2012, 07:46 AM
Another installment to the "Pick A Word, Write 250+ Words" writing exercise I've been trying. Got a little carried away, wrote 1111 words this time. I hope you like it, it's a little graphic, but it's the first time I wrote horror.

Senescent
se·nes·cent [sə néss'nt] adj - aging: approaching an advanced age


The child sat on a stool in front of me. She was blonde and glowing healthily, dressed in a pink dress that only a young girl could wear without looking silly. She looked around the room, always shifting her gaze, and kicked her legs as an energetic child would. From her appearance, I would have judged her to be a healthy and mentally sound young girl. However, the parents of this young girl had made a grave claim that there was something disturbing about her behaviour. Several incidents had led them to believe she was in some way sick and in desperate need of medical attention.

I walked up to her, properly introduced myself as a doctor, and began to check her pulse by her neck, but the child recoiled and sneered at me, never making eye contact. I apologized and instead checked her pulse by the wrist. Her pulse was only slightly elevated, so I moved on to test her mobility, balance, and coordination. Each test proved the girl to be physically sound.

I shone a light inside of her ear, but when I turned her to face me so I could shine a light into her mouth and check her tonsils she threw her arms in front of her and successfully smacked the light from my hands. What a disobedient girl! I scolded her gently, lecturing her on good manners instead of emphasizing her misdeed. Finally I got her to open her mouth so I could inspect her throat. A healthy, pink pair of tonsils were present.

She closed her mouth and lowered her eyes from the ceiling. This is when I caught her gaze for the first time. I briefed a glance into her wet, emerald eyes, inhaled sharply, leaned forward for a deeper look, gasped aloud and jumped backwards several paces.

Her eyes were the only piece of the ruse that was not a perfect replica. Only a parent could tell for sure that the thing looking through that child’s eyes was not the little girl it appeared to be. The eyes were the eyes of a child, but the stare was one of a senescent being. When I chanced another glance into those eyes the stare shot out from the poor child’s face and went straight through my head, shoving bits of me out the back of my skull, projecting through her a clear image of Hell.

I recoiled, slamming into the dresser behind me as I turned my entire body to shield myself from the deathly gaze. My voice shook with terror I had never known could exist. “What do you want with this child?” I dared not face that stare again, it had nearly taken the spirit from me, but there was no answer. I was sure that the senescent one was aware of my discovery.

“What do you want with this child? Speak, demon.” My arms were wrapped around my chest with my hands tucked under my armpits. I hunched forward more, shielding myself from the voice I expected to answer me. It would be a sinister voice… full of the snake’s hiss and the voices of creatures that crawl. I paled with a sickly anticipation, but still I received no answer. Was she, demon in tow, still sitting on the stool? I considered looking again, hesitated for a moment, but caved into the curiosity.

The child’s face, her beautiful youth had contorted and--Oh, God! The smooth skin of her cheek had dried and cracked, bled and scabbed over in an instant, become infected and dripping in the time it had taken me to turn around. Every muscle in her face had tensed and twisted in an awful look of agony. Her mouth and nose were deformed, twisted in a horrible sneer with fangs that resembled a canine and an upturned nose like the swine.

I flung myself against the wall and slide along its length to the corner, where I crouched slightly, cowering. I had all but lost control of my movements. The girl’s demon face swiveled on her thin neck, following me with the horrid expression that was fraying the edges of my sane mind. I couldn’t look away from the revolting image. She had paralyzed me in a hypnosis of panic and hopeless fear. When I thought for sure that I couldn’t take another second of this madness the demon played the trump card.

The demon child raised its arms towards me, presenting the normal looking limbs of a little girl. I had no time to realize what was happening and look away. Without warning the skin from her hands was stripped away up to her wrists, exposing the fresh flesh and a decent flow of blood. The bones of her knuckles twisted and bent, yielding to an invisible force. They broke and splintered, followed by her wrists, twisting until her forearms snapped, followed by her elbows, then her shoulders until her arms were shattered and bloody things, a twisted mess of carnage on each side of her.

I remember how it felt when my sanity cracked and proceeded to fall apart, piece by piece. It felt like a dream, or more accurately a nightmare that had the added terror of existing in what I took for reality. The reason for my actions following the nightmare spectacle can be found in the basest of human instincts. Fear will override logic in an instant, so, though there was a door to my right, my decision to jump out of the window, in retrospect, was only an animals sense of survival. I fell two stories with no thought of a landing.

However, I eventually did hit the ground, as things that fall will do. I didn’t pick myself up after I landed. A hospital trip was necessary, but I could have stood up had the paralysis of fear not been so strong.

What I saw… it’s not something that leaves my mind easily, even on a bright day with the distractions of everyday life to keep me occupied. I never returned to the room on the second story, not even for my belongings. I can still see her face disfigured like a snarling dog… her arms, the most terrible things… Oh, God, will I ever be without that picture? Is she still sitting on the stool, contorted and mutilated, waiting for me to return so she can pluck away the last of my mind with another vision of grisly horror? I can never go back, I can never know the answer lest it destroy me.

LoneWolf
April 25th, 2012, 08:16 AM
Another installment to the "Pick A Word, Write 250+ Words" writing exercise I've been trying. Got a little carried away, wrote 1111 words this time. I hope you like it, it's a little graphic, but it's the first time I wrote horror.

Senescent
se·nes·cent [sə néss'nt] adj - aging: approaching an advanced age


The child sat on a stool in front of me. She was blonde and glowing healthily, dressed in a pink dress that only a young girl could wear without looking silly. She looked around the room, always shifting her gaze, and kicked her legs as an energetic child would. From her appearance, I would have judged her to be a healthy and mentally sound young girl. However, the parents of this young girl had made a grave claim that there was something disturbing about her behaviour. Several incidents had led them to believe she was in some way sick and in desperate need of medical attention.

I walked up to her, properly introduced myself as a doctor, and began to check her pulse by her neck, but the child recoiled and sneered at me, never making eye contact. I apologized and instead checked her pulse by the wrist. Her pulse was only slightly elevated, so I moved on to test her mobility, balance, and coordination. Each test proved the girl to be physically sound.

I shone a light inside of her ear, but when I turned her to face me so I could shine a light into her mouth and check her tonsils she threw her arms in front of her and successfully smacked the light from my hands. What a disobedient girl! I scolded her gently, lecturing her on good manners instead of emphasizing her misdeed. Finally I got her to open her mouth so I could inspect her throat. A healthy, pink pair of tonsils were present.

She closed her mouth and lowered her eyes from the ceiling. This is when I caught her gaze for the first time. I briefed a glance into her wet, emerald eyes, inhaled sharply, leaned forward for a deeper look, gasped aloud and jumped backwards several paces.

Her eyes were the only piece of the ruse that was not a perfect replica. Only a parent could tell for sure that the thing looking through that child’s eyes was not the little girl it appeared to be. The eyes were the eyes of a child, but the stare was one of a senescent being. When I chanced another glance into those eyes the stare shot out from the poor child’s face and went straight through my head, shoving bits of me out the back of my skull, projecting through her a clear image of Hell. [[I love this imagery. Very distinct, sharp, and intense.]]

I recoiled, slamming into the dresser behind me as I turned my entire body to shield myself from the deathly gaze. My voice shook with terror I had never known could exist. “What do you want with this child?” I dared not face that stare again, it had nearly taken the spirit from me, but there was no answer. I was sure that the senescent one was aware of my discovery.

“What do you want with this child? Speak, demon.” My arms were wrapped around my chest with my hands tucked under my armpits. I hunched forward more, shielding myself from the voice I expected to answer me. It would be a sinister voice… full of the snake’s hiss and the voices of creatures that crawl. I paled with a sickly anticipation, but still I received no answer. Was she, demon in tow, still sitting on the stool? I considered looking again, hesitated for a moment, but caved into the curiosity.

The child’s face, her beautiful youth had contorted and--Oh, God! The smooth skin of her cheek had dried and cracked, bled and scabbed over in an instant, become infected and dripping in the time it had taken me to turn around. Every muscle in her face had tensed and twisted in an awful look of agony. Her mouth and nose were deformed, twisted in a horrible sneer with fangs that resembled a canine and an upturned nose like the swine.

I flung myself against the wall and slide slid along its length to the corner, where I crouched slightly, cowering. I had all but lost control of my movements. The girl’s demon face swiveled on her thin neck, following me with the horrid expression that was fraying the edges of my sane mind. I couldn’t look away from the revolting image. She had paralyzed me in a hypnosis of panic and hopeless fear. When I thought for sure that I couldn’t take another second of this madness the demon played the trump card.

The demon child raised its arms towards me, presenting the normal looking limbs of a little girl. I had no time to realize what was happening and look away. Without warning the skin from her hands was stripped away up to her wrists, exposing the fresh flesh and a decent flow of blood. The bones of her knuckles twisted and bent, yielding to an invisible force. They broke and splintered, followed by her wrists, twisting until her forearms snapped, followed by her elbows, then her shoulders until her arms were shattered and bloody things, a twisted mess of carnage on each side of her.

I remember how it felt when my sanity cracked and proceeded to fall apart, piece by piece. It felt like a dream, or more accurately a nightmare that had the added terror of existing in what I took for reality. The reason for my actions following the nightmare spectacle can be found in the basest of human instincts. Fear will override logic in an instant, so, though there was a door to my right, my decision to jump out of the window, in retrospect, was only an animals sense of survival. I fell two stories with no thought of a landing.

However, I eventually did hit the ground, as things that fall will do. I didn’t pick myself up after I landed. A hospital trip was necessary, but I could have stood up had the paralysis of fear not been so strong.

What I saw… it’s not something that leaves my mind easily, even on a bright day with the distractions of everyday life to keep me occupied. I never returned to the room on the second story, not even for my belongings. I can still see her face disfigured like a snarling dog… her arms, the most terrible things… Oh, God, will I ever be without that picture? Is she still sitting on the stool, contorted and mutilated, waiting for me to return so she can pluck away the last of my mind with another vision of grisly horror? I can never go back, I can never know the answer lest it destroy me.

Wonderful story. That seems funny to say but it was. As soon as I read the definition at the beginning of the piece I was hooked. Really great stuff. I put in a few things that I noticed, nothing big but a few typos. The only thing that nagged at me was when he finally looks into the girl's eyes he says, "Speak, demon." And it seemed too calm and to me something an exorcist would say. Even if he just said, "Say something, you demon.", it sounds more relaxed and less formal. Other than that I really enjoyed this. Thanks for the read.

BabaYaga
April 25th, 2012, 08:33 AM
Hi Takn,

This was ghastly and written quite well in what feels like a very classic horror voice. Nice. My only comment would be that this feels like a snippet out of something bigger. You've shown us how well you can do gore, but a bit of psychological horror also goes a long way- maybe think about extending this past where you end now (if you haven't already).

You mention that the doctor's sanity has left him, but he sounds quite lucid in the retelling. Perhaps everyone thinks he is responsible for mutilating the girl after his recovery in hospital? Maybe he goes to a sanatorium and is haunted by the girl/ demon there... I don't know, but I would like to see more :)

Taknovrthewrld
April 25th, 2012, 05:18 PM
Thank you both, I am happy to see your reactions to this are good (it bolsters my confidence.) I am interested in writing a back story to lead up to this scene and maybe a bit more on the tail end to wrap it up. I'll have to discipline myself; the last time I said I'd add to a piece I passed it up and moved on.

Easee
April 25th, 2012, 06:19 PM
I like this story. It went places, was pretty horrifying. That arm breaking thing, was cringe worthy, gave me the chills. Good job! I have a couple of ideas, that I think could improve the piece, but feel free to disagree haha.

This is the only passage I took issue with. Since it's the first, it's an important one.


The child sat on a stool in front of me. I don't like this opening sentence. Describe her, show us she's a human girl, give her a good description, will make the transformation more horrifying. She was blonde and glowing healthily, dressed in a pink dress that only a young girl could wear without looking silly. She looked around the room, always shifting her gaze, and kicked her legs as an energetic child would. I don't like the bolded, it's redundant. That's the point of showing her kicking in the first place, isn't it? Again, show us she's an energetic child, maybe she's picking her nose, I don't know, but don't need to label her as a child, better to show her as one. From her appearance, I would have judged her to be a healthy and mentally sound young girl. However, the parents of this young girl had made a grave claim that there was something disturbing about her behaviour. Several incidents had led them to believe she was in some way sick and in desperate need of medical attention. This is a good few sentences, peaked my interest, made me want to keep reading. I've studied psychopathy, and I was sure that was what it would be. Boy was I in for a surprise!


Again, I want to applaud another part of this story that I felt really stood out.


The child’s face, her beautiful youth had contorted and--Oh, God!
This struck me as very real internal dialogue, very good work.

I have one more idea that I think would be interesting, to consider. Again, feel free to ignore it, it's just my two cents. I think it'd be interesting if after she broke her arms beyond recognition, and the doctor fell out of the roof, he was arrested. Why? He assaulted the young girl. Then he loses his job, e.t.c. It's just taking it even further, where this demon is sabotaging not just his mental health, but his career and reputation. For a longer work, that could affect his marriage, his friends e.t.c.

Again, just an idea.

Overall, good story! Nice work!

Taknovrthewrld
April 26th, 2012, 06:15 PM
I like this story. It went places, was pretty horrifying. That arm breaking thing, was cringe worthy, gave me the chills. Good job! I have a couple of ideas, that I think could improve the piece, but feel free to disagree haha.

This is the only passage I took issue with. Since it's the first, it's an important one.


Again, I want to applaud another part of this story that I felt really stood out.


This struck me as very real internal dialogue, very good work.

I have one more idea that I think would be interesting, to consider. Again, feel free to ignore it, it's just my two cents. I think it'd be interesting if after she broke her arms beyond recognition, and the doctor fell out of the roof, he was arrested. Why? He assaulted the young girl. Then he loses his job, e.t.c. It's just taking it even further, where this demon is sabotaging not just his mental health, but his career and reputation. For a longer work, that could affect his marriage, his friends e.t.c.

Again, just an idea.

Overall, good story! Nice work!

Thank you for reading this piece and providing input, it is much appreciated. I've had several people point out errors and provide advice and they usually tell me to expand the story. I do plan to edit the piece based on everyone's advice, then I will expand the piece. I've gotten a couple suggestions, but so far I like your idea of the doctor getting arrested.

The idea of a possessed little girl seems cliche, but there are a lot of places I could take this story. I love the idea of a terrified doctor as a reluctant hero. I don't want him to be an exorcist, but I want him to recognize that it is a demon and take some kind of action. If I expand the story, he will always be scared witless and I feel there will be humor within the horror... a strange combination.

Easee
April 26th, 2012, 06:32 PM
Thank you for reading this piece and providing input, it is much appreciated. I've had several people point out errors and provide advice and they usually tell me to expand the story. I do plan to edit the piece based on everyone's advice, then I will expand the piece. I've gotten a couple suggestions, but so far I like your idea of the doctor getting arrested.

The idea of a possessed little girl seems cliche, but there are a lot of places I could take this story. I love the idea of a terrified doctor as a reluctant hero. I don't want him to be an exorcist, but I want him to recognize that it is a demon and take some kind of action. If I expand the story, he will always be scared witless and I feel there will be humor within the horror... a strange combination.

Absolutely has potential for humour, and I wouldn't worry about cliche, it's all in the telling.

As for the doctor, I agree I think he's great for this type of story, and that's where this is something original. An interesting thing to note is that most men of science, or medicine, are atheist. I don't know why but It feels like something around his complete lack of belief, and his need for empirical proof and logic would make the appearance of a demon in his life all the more terrifying. There is no way to justify it, to quantify it and to a man who has built his world around understanding and knowledge...it becomes more than fear in a physical sense but in a philosophical sense as well.

I just had that idea when I was reading your comment and felt I needed to share, again feel free to ignore.

Taknovrthewrld
April 26th, 2012, 07:05 PM
Absolutely has potential for humour, and I wouldn't worry about cliche, it's all in the telling.

As for the doctor, I agree I think he's great for this type of story, and that's where this is something original. An interesting thing to note is that most men of science, or medicine, are atheist. I don't know why but It feels like something around his complete lack of belief, and his need for empirical proof and logic would make the appearance of a demon in his life all the more terrifying. There is no way to justify it, to quantify it and to a man who has built his world around understanding and knowledge...it becomes more than fear in a physical sense but in a philosophical sense as well.

I just had that idea when I was reading your comment and felt I needed to share, again feel free to ignore.

No, I was thinking the same thing. I am excited to work on this piece, but I have to continue going to the real job.

Easee
April 26th, 2012, 07:14 PM
No, I was thinking the same thing. I am excited to work on this piece, but I have to continue going to the real job.

Ahh, yes well we all need to pay the bills somehow. Good luck, I think this will turn out very nicely.

Taknovrthewrld
April 30th, 2012, 11:21 AM
Hello again! I've posted the edited version of Senescent in my blog, which can be found here: Step into the ocean... (http://www.writingforums.com/blogs/taknovrthewrld/)

Let me know what you guys think. I'm also teasing with the ideas that will go into the expansion of the piece. I have several, very disturbing ideas. I promise after this I will post something outside of horror.