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View Full Version : You're So Last Summer (Flash/ a beginning)



LoneWolf
April 24th, 2012, 02:28 AM
This is a flash based on one of my favorite songs by the same name. I always loved the lyrics to this song. Now that I wrote it I really like the idea and am thinking about possibly making it into something more. I'd love to hear opinions and see if this would be worth hashing out. (This would eventually be a suspense type deal, I think).
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The tall grass rustles gently, as if it is straining against the thick summer air. I can't tell if I'm breathing hard from the air or the buzzing contact between our arms. I turn over on my side and prop myself up on my elbow. She's lying down next to me, dark hair fanned out, smoking a cigarette.

"You know," she starts, "You know..."

"Yeah?" I try to keep my voice steady. Detached.

She fills the silence with cigarette smoke. "Boys like you are dime a dozen."

"Yeah?" The word's on repeat in my head.

She rises all in one fluid motion. Brushes off her short linen dress, squints at me. "These grass stains? Mean nothing."

I squint back into her face and stay silent. I hear a faint roaring in my ears but can't tell where it's from.

"Good." She turns on her heel and without a look back at me, stalks back to my car. It's time to go.

Easee
April 25th, 2012, 02:51 AM
She fills the silence with cigarette smoke. "Boys like you are dime a dozen."
This line caught my attention. It's a good line. I instantly want to know all about their relationship. It feels like she's trying to justify why she likes him, stating why she shouldn't out loud.


She rises all in one fluid motion. Brushes off her short linen dress, squints at me. "These grass stains? Mean nothing."
I didn't totally understand the grass stains line. Still, good, I could see her standing, almost feel like I was there.

Overall, this was good. Like I said, the part that really stuck out to me what the dime a dozen line. It's very explicit but it feels like there's a whole lot going on under the surface.

You are thinking of doing something more with this? I'd be interested, because now I need to know what happens/is happening with these two!!! I think the key to ask yourself for whether this is just a short piece or a longer work would be whether you know where it's going? If you do, it is, if not, it's probably not. Haha, a little simplistic perhaps but that's what I think.

I think if you do know, this could be a great love story. You have a flair for the subtext, which is key in that type of work.

LoneWolf
April 25th, 2012, 04:13 AM
Thanks so much for your feedback. The grass stain bit was supposed to be kind of a metaphor. They'd obviously been getting busy and the grass stains to him kind of symbolize what could be, so she made sure to let him know that the stains didn't matter therefore he didn't matter.

I'm definitely thinking of doing something more with this. I just know that if I start this it will turn into something very deep and very complex so I wanted to get a feel for what people thought before I invested more. But now I'm excited! I will gladly give you more haha. Thanks again, cheers!

CJ Tomlinson
May 9th, 2012, 03:51 PM
From start to finish, you're using the description to convey what's going on in a very subtle way; commenting on the story but not in a way that it's too overt. I really dig it. Especially in the opening line, with the straining bit, real nice.

The only thing I might change is the use of "air" twice so closely; maybe change the second one to "breeze"? I don't know, maybe that's just a personal thing.

Back to the story itself; it seems to me that both characters feel the same way about each other, but are both trying to deny it and be aloof about it. (I'm not usually a fan of lovey-dovey-ness so this approach to writing love/feelings is something I can appreciate)

I also think the fact that since it's from the guy's pov, it makes it seem like he's the one who likes her more, while he doesn't care, when in fact she's probably thinking the same thing about him. Kind of like viewing one object from different angles. I like it.

All in all I like this alot, very well-written and it definitely keeps me engaged. Mooore!

TBK
May 9th, 2012, 04:43 PM
The tall grass rustles gently, as if it is straining against the thick summer air. I can't tell if I'm breathing hard from the air or the buzzing contact between our arms. I turn over on my side and prop myself up on my elbow. She's lying down next to me, dark hair fanned out, smoking a cigarette.

"You know," she starts, "You know..."

"Yeah?" I try to keep my voice steady. Detached.

She fills the silence with cigarette smoke. "Boys like you are a dime a dozen."

"Yeah?" The word's on repeat in my head.

She fluidly rises, brushes off her short linen dress, then squints at me. "These grass stains? Mean nothing."

I squint back into her face and stay silent. There's a faint roaring in my ears.
,
'There's a faint roaring in my ears,' seems like an all right replacement, here. It offers concision while using passive voice, which cuts the need for, 'but can't tell where it's from'. Of course, I don't find that appealing as active voice. Something like, 'A faint roar floods my ears,' sounds and feels better to me.

All hearing is done with the ears, making, 'I hear a...' redundant, at least to me.

'The word's on repeat in my head.' Why this line jerks me out of the story, I don't know. There's something forced about it, I think. It isn't as fluid as the other writing. It could be the use of passive voice. I almost want to say that you could cut the line, and it would feel better.

Keep in mind, these alterations are suggestion. Every person has their own tastes.

Also, I have to agree that, 'She fills the silence with cigarette smoke,' is very pleasing, and your use of 'air' so close together is jarring.

All together, I really, really enjoyed this! I love Flash Fiction. It's the perfect length for my attention span, and it makes my mind turn.

riverdog
May 9th, 2012, 04:47 PM
The tall grass rustles gently, as if it is straining against the thick summer air. This is a bit strange to me. gently rustles and strain don't seem to describe each other. Maybe drop gently and it would work better.

The tall grass rustles as if it is straining agains the thick summer air.

And this


The word's on repeat in my head.

Why is word possesive? Do you mean "The word is?" or the the "The words on repeat?" I'm confused by this one. try making it her words.

Her words, cold as (insert similie of choice here), turned my stomach into knots. or something like that. Just a little description that he's inwardly torn up, but putting on a strong face.

I liked the grass stain part, and I got it from the beginning. I think it would be smoother if you made it a statement, rather than a rhetorical question, as in- "These grass stains mean nothing." or "These grass stains mean nothing. You know that, right?"

All in all, a good flash story and I enjoyed it. Well done.

tshuki
May 14th, 2012, 06:42 PM
This story had a lot of feeling despite being so short, I could almost construct both of the characters in my head and feel the mood as if I was near to them. They feel alive, great scene! <3
The part about the grass was kind of unclear, though, I feel there was a need for a bit of a description or something, other than that - wonderful! If you can keep writing scenes like this one after another - then I'm sure you could write an amazing book I could enjoy a lot.

Dearest
May 16th, 2012, 10:03 AM
I'd be a bit more subtle about using lyrics as dialogue. While it can be a cool nod to fans of the song, it's still taking someone else's words and using them as your own.