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abuistrago
April 18th, 2012, 12:50 AM
Ok, I've had this story in my mind for about 15 years or so. I've just added an very short introduction and wanted to see what you guys thought.

Here goes nothing!

*I've corrected and applied some of the advice given here... I like it... don't know what you guys will think*

I’ve always had a good imagination, but never in my wildest dreams could I imagine that my life would start at 21, right after I died.

Life is not perfect. Everybody agrees on that, but life after death is perfect, or at least pretty darn close. Heaven, hell, purgatory, none of it exists, at least not in the way they tell you about it in Bible School.

I’d always believed in reincarnation, because the idea of staying in one place for eternity was just too much for my narrow mind to grasp.

Now that I have the opportunity to go back, to be reborn on Earth and live a new life, I don’t think I want it.

Not after Alex.

Alex changed my life. He killed me and became my biggest obstacle, my scariest fear, my cross to bear.

I had to conquer hell itself to rescue him, to rescue myself.

Let me tell you my story. Let me tell you about my death.

lowprofile300
April 18th, 2012, 01:25 AM
A very interesting concept, life after death. I like the fact that the intro is short, yet it manages to pull the reader in. Very nice, so when do we get the main course?:joyous:

abuistrago
April 18th, 2012, 01:46 AM
I have much of the story in spanish and it was written when I was 14 so I'm re-writing it in English and only have about 3 chapters done.

Thanks a bunch for your comments :)

SoultoWrite
April 18th, 2012, 06:16 AM
I like the idea, and I am interested in where you plan to take this. So little is revealed, yet you set the stage for quite a conflict.
If you plan to hash out the whole sequence of events detailed here (the death, the revival, and continue the conflict) it should make for quite a story.
I would like to see more.

abuistrago
April 18th, 2012, 07:02 AM
Yes! That's the plan! Thanks!! :)

grimreaper
April 18th, 2012, 02:40 PM
The idea is very interesting, just like the intro . Just a question , will you tell the story only through flashbacks or will some of the action take place in the present too?

Tee Bee
April 18th, 2012, 04:32 PM
Hi,

Nice idea.

This sentence was too clunky for me.
That I would find myself in a world which in some ways was very similar to the one I’d live my mortal life in and in others completely different was not something I counted on

I would rewrite this sentence to make it simpler.

Also, you say 'in Earth' rather than 'on Earth'. Was that intentional?

Capulet
April 18th, 2012, 07:03 PM
Interesting concept, although it might need a rewrite to clean up transition between thoughts. The first two sentences seem to be leaders and at odds with each other. After the first one I'm like "right, introductory hook, engine started." And then the next sentence comes and I feel like I've tried to turn the engine on again and in my mind I can hear that painful noise the engine makes when I do.

I'd probably shift the current opening sentence to become the lead sentence of the first paragraph, and open with the second.


I’ve always had a good imagination, but never in my wildest dreams could I imagine that my life would start at 21, right after I died.

Life is not perfect. Everybody agrees on that, but what nobody tells you is that life after death is perfect, or at least pretty darn close. That I would find myself in a world which in some ways was very similar to the one I’d live my mortal life in and in others completely different was not something I counted on. People puff in and out of a room, they change their appearance in the blink of an eye and you can see anytime, anywhere, anyone in Earth through a huge sphere in the middle of Central Square. How do you get used to that?

I'd recommend giving any of your chapters a read looking specifically for opportunities to smooth transitions. You want your reader lost in the easy progression of your story, not working to try and keep all the strings together. Finish whatever thoughts you can whenever you can, and make the shelving or handing off of them as painless as possible whenever you can't.

I'm interested to see what shape this takes. Keep writing, and keep sharing!

C

RedSky
April 18th, 2012, 07:22 PM
Very nice. The introduction is extremely grabbing and I would definitely read this book if I read this introduction.

abuistrago
April 18th, 2012, 11:37 PM
@grimreaper

It will all be in the past tense, although it's going to end in the present. I know I'll have some problems with that since I am not used to writing in the first person and it had already proved to be a challenge. I felt this story needed to be told by the girl though.

@Tee Bee

Yeah... it feels clunky to me too. The idea of an introduction just came to me five minutes before posting so this will probably be re-written a hundred times. Thanks for pointing it out. I'll play with it a little more. And no, it was not intentional. The "in" and "on" are still a challenge for my non native English ;) Thanks!

@Capulet
Ooooh oooh!! I like it! Thanks! It works better if you switch the lines :) And yes, I will be checking out for smoothing opportunities throughout the chapters. Thanks!!

@RedSky
Wow... thanks!! Best compliment ever :)

Thanks a lot for the imput and critique. It's the first time I've shared my writing with ANYONE except my husband, and that's somewhat of a challenge since I usually write in English and he doesn't speak English so a lot is lost in translation. As I said, I began writing this when I was 14 and although I thought it was a good story, I didn't know if it was too childish or just plain stupid :)

DouglasMB
April 20th, 2012, 02:00 PM
I am new here but I loved your intro! I see that I am in a good place to get great information.

abuistrago
April 20th, 2012, 11:15 PM
Thanks DouglasMB!! And yes! There are wonderful writers in this forum (not talking about me!)...

riverdog
April 21st, 2012, 12:55 AM
Love the first sentence but the second lost me. You said no one has ever told you the afterlife was perfect... The christans have been screaming this from the top of their lungs for two millennia.

While your afterlife and definition of perfect may differ from the Christians, muslims too, it doesn't change the fact. And it could make for an interesting distinction.

abuistrago
April 21st, 2012, 02:36 AM
The thing is that the way the story goes, it has nothing to do with "Heaven" or whatever any other religions call it... that's what I meant... I guess I would need to rephrase that... Thanks for pointing it out!

riverdog
April 21st, 2012, 02:48 PM
I think that would help, otherwise it sounds a bit false. And may add a little depth, something like: life after death is pretty much perfect- no streets paved with gold, angels playing harps, 64 willing virgins or nonsense like that, but...

abuistrago
April 22nd, 2012, 10:09 PM
I didn't want to describe much of what's going on "up" there but that sounds like a really good idea, comparing it with "heaven"... I guess I'v never thought about it because now that you mention it, I've never imagined what "heaven" might be like! Thanks!

VioletS16
May 4th, 2012, 04:40 AM
I like it a lot. It's short and sweet but very grasping. I'd say continue it--15 years is a loong time to have a good idea on your mind :)

abuistrago
May 4th, 2012, 06:11 AM
Thanks!!! My problem is that I get tons of ideas (good and not so good) and I never finish the story before another one pops into my mind and I feel the urge to start writing that one... About a month ago I found the notebook I used to write about half of this story back in 9th grade and decided to focus on this story. Let's see how it comes out... :)

WiredNun
May 9th, 2012, 07:53 PM
Ha, a willing virgin, that's an oxymoron.

Sorry, it had to be said.

I liked the opening, I agree with the critiques about the structure. Once I got past the opening lines, it grabbed my interest. Before that I couln't figure out where it was going. Be clever later, be clear up front.

abuistrago
May 10th, 2012, 12:15 AM
Thanks for the imput!

RoosterSmith
May 10th, 2012, 01:32 AM
This might be a me thing, but I couldn't get to the story. The link doesn't work for me. It doesn' help that I'm not really good with computers ...

destinoscelgo
May 10th, 2012, 01:38 AM
I like the fact that it is straight to the point, no extra jarble =)
I would read it if I read this, I'm intrigued!

abuistrago
May 10th, 2012, 01:39 AM
@RoosterSmith There is no link. It's just the introduction, I haven't posted any of the story yet. Is that what you meant?

@destinoscelgo That's what I was aiming for... thanks!

RoosterSmith
May 10th, 2012, 02:30 AM
@RoosterSmith There is no link. It's just the introduction, I haven't posted any of the story yet. Is that what you meant?

@destinoscelgo That's what I was aiming for... thanks!

Oh, okay, I get it ....

Red
May 24th, 2012, 07:52 AM
Had me hooked from the first sentence. And then even more hooked by the second. And now that I've read the entire intro I'm begging you to write more. *gets down on knees* Pleeaassee add more. It sounds like a great idea for a story, and I hope you decide to finally start it after 15 years of having this brilliant intro in your head. I'll be checking in to see if you've added more!

abuistrago
May 25th, 2012, 01:23 AM
Wow!! Thanks!!! I promise I'll post more soon... :)

Kyra
May 26th, 2012, 03:10 PM
My my! A story about the afterlife, an interesting concept indeed. I feel so inspired that someone could have a story plot or idea for as long as 15 years, and be able to finally bring it to life. I've had ideas running through my head for maybe four years or so, but didn't really start writing up until two. This really inspires me to go back into my older drafting files and try to reanimate some stories I had long forgotten because of my horrid ability to write. But, in either case. I can't wait to see this story and what it has in store for all of us!

gerkintrigg
May 28th, 2012, 06:50 PM
I'll not be following this post (sadly, not enough time). But I really liked the intro, too.

I don't like first-person prose. However, I think it works for this intro, and (dare I say it) I think it could also be a very good method for such a unique story / voice. Nice Work.

CharlesAnthony
June 2nd, 2012, 05:16 AM
I like what you've done with the Re-write, it flows smoothly, and grabs the attention of the reader. I am very curious as well about where you were planning on taking this. If I may, if at any point you're having trouble with flow, or where to take the story, there is a freeware called Storybook which I found to be very helpful when writing my novel.

Silen
June 3rd, 2012, 06:49 AM
Interesting concept ! cant wait to read more!

Gerry_VDS
June 3rd, 2012, 08:59 PM
Neat idea! I bet this story will be great!!