PDA

View Full Version : My book in progress...



michaelschaap
April 11th, 2012, 07:10 PM
What I am trying to do is create a novel using the Snowflake method where you start out with one sentence and move out from there. This is my progress so far, but I am concerned that I will not have enough to write about.... perhaps I need more plots? The model I am using is: Introduction, 3 disasters, and a conclusion.

Background
The novel is a Vampire Romance novel where the good Vampires are joined together in a group called "Brotherhood of the Sword"
In the One paragraph summary I did not use character names but did use them when I expanded.
Electrika is a nightclub
Sentinals are the villains


Snowflake Method: Book one

One sentence:
A vampire war drags in a young woman who gets a chance of love.

One paragraph:
After a car accident that leaves her slowly to die a vampire saves her life. The vampire draws attention to the woman by the enemy and she gets kidnapped. Alone, the Vampire tries to save her but fails. Saved by the brotherhood they are both brought to the brotherhood’s home to recover, but the vampire is close to dying. While the Vampire recovers she is forced to understand the war that is being fought and that they are destined for each other.

Making a paragraph out of each sentence

After a car accident that leaves her slowly to die a vampire saves her life.
After her shift ended at Dupree Telecommunications Nichole was told she was being let go because of budget cuts. Nichole started her slow drive home as it was raining and lost control of her car crashing into a large oak tree. On his way to Electrika, Markus saw Nichole’s car and stopped when he smelled blood. Making a difficult decision, Markus scores his wrist to feed Nichole his blood saving her (by doing this Markus will always feel Nichole). Markus then drives her home. Nichole regains consciousness. They have sex.
The vampire draws attention to the woman by the enemy and she gets kidnapped.
The King forbids Markus from seeing Nichole again. Two days later, Markus still could not get Nichole out of his head and decides he must see her again. He finds her in a park and walks her home while being followed by a Sentinal. They have sex. The next day, Sentinals bust through the door and kidnap her.
Alone, the Vampire tries to save her but fails.
Markus returns to Nichols apartment and finds her missing. Markus seeks Nichole out and finds her in a hole in the ground. Markus gets shot up badly, but manages to drop phone in Nichole’s hole. Nichole hits send to call the last caller.
Saved by the brotherhood they are both brought to the brotherhood’s home to recover, but the vampire is close to dying.
The Brotherhood has to wait for sun down before a rescue attempt is made. Rescue is made. Nichole has her wrist scored to try to save Markus, but he is non-responsive. Saved by the brotherhood they are both brought to the brotherhood’s home to recover, but Markus is close to dying.
While the Vampire recovers she is forced to understand the war that is being fought and that they are destined for each other.
Nichole, along with medical personnel, nurses Markus to health. Even though it is dangerous, Nichole decides to be with Markus. They have sex. They get married.



The next step is to take each of these paragraphs and make a page out of them. I am working on paragraph one now. A couple things I have not written in the above is background on the Brothers of the Sword and the Villains. I know there is not much here but I will post updates as I write them :)

Michael

Kyle R
April 11th, 2012, 07:34 PM
Sounds good so far.

Keep us posted!

michaelschaap
April 11th, 2012, 08:08 PM
I notice that I am writing in third person. My intention is to write in first though. I am guessing that with this "birds eye" view of the novel, third person just lends itself to what is being written....

michaelschaap
April 11th, 2012, 09:13 PM
Here is the expanded first paragraph.


After her shift ended at Dupree Telecommunications Nichole was told she was being let go because of budget cuts. Nichole started her slow drive home as it was raining and lost control of her car crashing into a large oak tree. On his way to Electrika, Markus saw Nichole’s car and stopped when he smelled blood. Making a difficult decision, Markus scores his wrist to feed Nichole his blood saving her (by doing this Markus will always feel Nichole). Markus then drives her home. Nichole regains consciousness. Nichole wants Markus in a sexual way but Markus tells her it’s not right to take advantage of her increased libido now.

Nichole gets to work to find a note on her locker door: “Nichole please see me after your shift. Beth Adams, Human resources”. Nichole talks to Kim about her weekend which was heavy on sex and talks to her about the need to find a guy. Nichole gets coffee but spills it all over herself (“This day is not going well…”).

Markus at a Brotherhood meeting with everyone (is told that he is stressed out and is off rotation for three nights). Assignments are given out (Villain Sentinals are introduced as well as possibly the other Brothers of the Sword). Markus grumbles about what he is going to do for three days.

Nichole knocks on the HR door and enters. Beth starts out with chit chat (Nichole wishes she would just get out what she wants to say). “Nichole the budget is being cut and we have to let you go.” Nichole takes a box of her stuff, says goodbye to people and goes to her car. Driving home seems to take forever because it is raining. Loses control of car and hits an oak tree.

Markus decides to go to Electrika, a club downtown. On his way he passes a Ford Pinto that struck a tree head on. He smells blood and out of curiosity stops to check it out. He finds a beautiful woman who is bleeding out from the crash. He has internal conflicts of what to do (she is not his problem, he would feel her presence for a while, Humans die). Overtaken by her beauty and his own sexual response from her he decides to save her.

Nichole feels immense pain throughout her body. She tastes something strange…. Like young wine, but thicker. The immense pain she was feeling dulls a little so she drinks more. She felt as if she was floating on air. As Nichole’s pain dulls further she feels very comfortable as she is lying on something soft. Her hearing becomes more acute as she hears a dripping sound that she guessed was water. Her skin also feels more sensitive because she felt a warm wetness ever lightly touching her body. Nichole started to edge towards consciousness as she tries to open her heavy eye lids. Everything is bright. White washed and foggy. She closes her eyes and decides to try again in a few minutes. Colors register now. Nichole sees a man, so muscular and intense hovering above her.

Nichole screams. Markus tries to comfort her. He explains to her what has happened. She asked why she is not injured and why she is feeling weird (all her senses are alive). He diverts the conversation as something that they don’t need to talk about now. Markus asked Nichole if she is hungry. She says she is starving. He gets food and feeds her. Nichole tries to have sex with Markus. Markus tells her that like her other senses, her libido towards him is also heightened and that it would not be right now for him to take advantage of that.

michaelschaap
April 16th, 2012, 01:32 AM
The King forbids Markus from seeing Nichole again. A day later, Markus still could not get Nichole out of his head and decides he must see her again. He finds her in a park and walks her home while being followed by a Sentinal. They have sex. The next day, Sentinals bust through the door and kidnap her.


Markus returns to the Brotherhood compound (Thinks about his previous Vampire wife who was killed by a Sentinal). Damon, the King, is furious (“A Human….What were you thinking… Don’t we have enough problems.”). Damon is even madder that Markus did not erase Nichole’s memories before he left. Others believe that bringing a Human in the middle of the war would be an incredible reckless and stupid move. Markus starts to believe that being with Nichole would be impossible.

Markus works out in exercise room. Markus and Dante practice fighting with swords. Markus went to sleep. Nichole searches for jobs online but can’t stop thinking of Markus. Markus wakes up aroused, takes shower before eating. Markus has shooting practice with Tanner and Roland, but his shots to his target is off (Tanner makes a remark that having women on his brain is going to get him killed…) Understanding that his thoughts has been on Nichole since he left her he decides to see her again.

Markus leaves mansion. Seeks Nichole out and dematerializes. Markus finds Nichole in park. Nichole jumps in Markus’s arms (“I was just thinking about you”, Nichole cries out). Nichole asks how Markus found her. “Who are you?” Markus explains a bit who he is, but leaves out that he is a Vampire. They walk around the park a bit more and Markus convinces her to allow him to walk her home. A sentinal follows them and calls in the location. She invites him in her apartment. She changes into something more comfortable while Markus looks around.

They have sex (this section needs to be figured out). Markus leaves before dawn. Nichole wakes up aroused. She makes breakfast while thinking of the sex that she just had.

Three Sentinals meet outside Nichole’s apartment. They burst in Nichole’s apartment and carry her down to an awaiting truck. Markus at Brotherhood compound keeps smiling. Roland figures out that Markus has been busy with Nichole. Markus re-thinks the danger he is putting Nichole in and decides that he can’t lose someone else to the war. Nichole wakes up in what looks to be a hole in the ground. She cries out for help to no avail. Her captor asks her about the man she was with yesterday, but she knows little about him.


Thinking about how much sex I want in the story..... What are your thoughts? How erotic does your stories get?

michaelschaap
April 18th, 2012, 11:14 PM
Brothers of the Sword

Scene 1
Nichole walks up to her locker with a sour face. Walking closer to the thing she snaps a note that was taped to it and fans it to Kim who was opening hers a few lockers away. Kim stars at the flimsy paper that was being waved at her.

“What’s that?” Kim asked.

“I don’t know…,” Nichole flicked the paper so she could read it.
“Nichole, please see me after your shift ends. Beth Adams, Human Resources”

Kim’s mouth hung open for a moment before taking the note and folding it again. “You are not going to think about this today you know why? Because. Because you don’t need to think about this. This could be anything.”

“Oh please Kim! What do you think it is about? The takeover…the layoffs… I don’t need my worthless Bachelor degree to figure it out.” Nichole started pacing back and forth the length of the locker room bench before plopping down on it. “I got three months of salary saved up. Just three months… you know how long it takes to find another worthless, dead end job?”

Kim sits down next to her friend and gives her a hug. “You’ll be ok. You know why I know you’ll be ok? Because you’re always ok. Something will come up for you. Something better than this worthless, dead end job.” Kim gave a big smile and shook Nichole’s shoulders a bit. “So, now that we know you will be fine I’m changing the subject. Alan came by this weekend.”

Now Nichole was the one who smiled. “Alan came by this weekend? And what did you and Alan do this weekend?”

Kim took a deep breath in and out before answering. “You really have to ask what we did. What we did ALL weekend long that is. I need to exercise more if I’m gonna keep up with him, you know.”

Nichole giggled, “What? A little sore are we?”

“Ha! Not only am I sore but I’m going out. Tomorrow. That is ‘We’ are going out tomorrow night. If you refuse to get a boyfriend to go double dating then you’ll at least going to go out with me. You’re going to come to at least keep Alan and my mind on the clean side. So. Whatever the outcome of your little note turns out we are going dancing tomorrow night around seven and no this discussion is not open for debate. I’ll call you tonight. I gotta go,” Kim gave Nichole a peek on the cheek before swinging around to walk out the door.
----------

Scene 2
Markus woke up starring at the ceiling. Looking over to his end table he saw that it’s 3:30 pm. Sunset is so dam early in the winter. No matter. It just gives more time to kill Sentinals, those soulless beings who his kind has been at war with for a very long time. Markus rubbed his face a bit before willing a light on in the bathroom. Getting up took a bit more effort but as he sat up on his king sized bed he stretched up to the ceiling. Passing a large oak wardrobe he went to the bathroom sink and turned on the water. After splashing some cold water on his face he grabbed a terrycloth towel to dry off.

Staring at the mirror he took a good look at himself. At 6’5” 270 pounds he looked menacing. His muscles bulged through the black cotton shirt he was wearing. He had fed two days ago so his eyes were black still. His black hair was cut short and the gel he used spiked it a bit. Markus pulled his thick legs though black leather pants and laced up his boots.

After willing the light off in the bathroom, Markus left his bedroom and walked into what he called “The Toy Room”. The room had all forms of weapons at his disposal. He looked around the room and decided what he would suit up with tonight on patrol. The right wall had swords he had collected over the years. He grabbed a katana third from the ceiling and felt the weight in his hands. Deciding this was the one he would use tonight he strapped it along his back so the hilt was just above his head. Looking towards the left wall he took two Glock 40s and holstered them along his sides before putting on a long black leather coat. He shoved two clips in its pocket and strapped a dagger along his left thigh.

Stopping in the kitchen he grabbed some pop tarts and looked at the clock to make sure the sun had indeed set before he risked getting a sun burn of the worst kind. Markus went to the garage deciding to take his baby today. Why dematerialize when you’ve got a Porsche 911 turbo waiting for you. After backing out of the garage he drove through the dense forest he built his house in the middle of. The drive was unmarked at the main road with the exception of his mailbox.

Turning right Markus gunned the gas which took him to 100 mph quick. He turned on the headlights as a matter of habit. Not that his eyes needed them. His acute vision allowed him to see in the darkness around him, though it was important to at least look human in public. The brotherhood had a meeting at the Kings house which he did not want to be late for.

Twenty minutes later he arrived at the King’s mansion. Markus stopped at the gate and punched in the key code to let him in. The gates parted and he drove around to the back where other rather expensive vehicles where parked as well. Getting out of his Porsche he noticed that the video cameras were tracking him as he punched in a second code to get into the mansion.

Walking down the hallway he greeted the King’s servant Max and went to the King’s study where the other Brothers where waiting for him. The King was not pleased.

“You’re late,” Damon, the King, stated.

“Sorry, my King,” Markus bowed halfway before taking a seat on the couch next to Dante.

The King scuffed at Markus’s attempt of courtesy. “Dante and Roland, I want you two to patrol the city tonight. There is an increase in Sentinal activity that we need to get a hand on. Let’s see how many we can take out tonight. Tanner and Nicholas I need you to investigate a possible Sentinal localization at an abandoned warehouse on Wilson and 5th. Ok everyone. Let’s get it done.”

Markus stood up quickly. “Sire, I think you forgot someone.”

“No actually I didn’t. You’ve been on rotation for the past two weeks Markus. You’re fried. I’m taking you off rotation for three nights. Go. Do something. I’m ordering you to take your mind off the war for a few days. Get some rest. That will be all everyone.”

Markus plopped back down on the couch. Get some rest? What exactly am I supposed to do for three days?

riverdog
April 19th, 2012, 05:57 PM
Needs work. I suggest work on character development, but you have to work on your writing. I stopped reading here. This kind of back story drop is no good. You have to work it in better than this.


It just gives more time to kill Sentinals, those soulless beings who his kind has been at war with for a very long time. Yikes thats bad.


I like the snowflake method. I use quite a few of the methods, and so your topic sentence needs work.

You wrote:
A vampire war drags in a young woman who gets a chance of love.

The problems... The vampire war should not be the subject. This story is about a girl, who falls in love with a boy. Write that first.

I would say something like: A young woman falls in love with a vampire warrior fighting for the survival of his clan. So on and so forth.

In the story I'm writing, my topic, or analog sentence would be something like: A divorced man comes face to face with his psychotic ex-wife.

Its simple, to the point, easy to understand, and leaves the listener asking what is going to happen when these two meet.


Now, grammer wise. The most important thing to remember, write actively, not passively.

Active = subject doing something
Passive = Something being done to the subject.

Example:

The rock fell down the hill. Active- fun

Falling down the hill was a rock. Passive- boring

Example 2:


Walking down the hallway he greeted the King’s servant Max and went to the King’s study where the other Brothers where waiting for him. Passive

Marcus walked down the hallway. He greeted the king's servant Max and entered the study where his brothers waited. Active

So on and so forth.

You can avoid a lot of passive writing by looking for and eliminating -ing.

He was walking
She was talking
Alice was eating

Use instead

He walked
She talked
Alice ate

Good Luck

michaelschaap
April 19th, 2012, 06:41 PM
Thanks much! I will go through it and make things active:)

michaelschaap
April 22nd, 2012, 02:32 AM
I got some critiques and fixed a mess of comma and verb mistakes. I also took passive sentences and made them active. This is a Vampire romance story. Markus is the hero(Vampire), Nichole is the heroine(Human) and Sentinals are the villains. What I am trying to figure out is how to talk about Sentinals more to show that Sentinals are the villains. In the plan I had thought to explain it more further in the story, but some critiques I have had were confused with Sentinals. In creating Markus I gave him a wife that was killed by Sentinals. Perhaps I can do a backstory on it.... in the plan I had, I had thought to do it further in the story though as well.

And of course any critiques you can give would be welcomed as well :)


Thanks in advance :)

Michael


Brothers of the Sword

Chapter 1

Scene 1

Nichole walked up to her locker with a sour face. As she walked closer to the thing, she snapped a note that was taped to it and fanned it to Kim who was opening hers a few lockers away. Kim stared at the flimsy paper that was being waved at her.

“What’s that?” Kim asks.

“I don’t know…,” Nichole flicked the paper so she could read it.
“Nichole, please see me after your shift ends. Beth Adams, Human Resources”

Kim’s mouth hung open for a moment before taking the note and folding it again. “You are not going to think about this today you know why? Because. Because you don’t need to think about this. This could be anything.”

“Oh please Kim! What do you think it’s about? The takeover…the layoffs… I don’t need a worthless Bachelor degree to figure it out.” Nichole paced back and forth the length of the locker room bench before plopping down on it. “I’ve got three months of salary saved up. Just three months… you know how long it takes to find another worthless, dead end job?”

Kim sat down next to her friend and gave her a hug. “You’ll be ok. You know how I know you’ll be ok? Because you’re always ok. Something will come up for you. Something better than this worthless, dead end job.” Kim gave her a big smile and shook Nichole’s shoulders a bit. “So, now that we know you will be fine, I’m changing the subject. Alan came by this weekend.”

Now Nichole was the one who smiled. “Alan came by this weekend? And what did you and Alan do this weekend?”

Kim took a deep breath in and out before answering. “You really have to ask what we did? What we did ALL weekend long that is? I need to exercise more if I’m gonna keep up with him, you know.”

Nichole giggled, “What? A little sore are we?”

“Ha! Not only am I sore but I’m going out. That is, ‘we’ are going out. If you refuse to get a boyfriend to go double dating, then you’re at least going to go out with me. You’re going to come to at least keep Alan and my mind on the clean side. So, whatever the outcome of your little note turns out to be, we are going dancing tomorrow night around seven and no this discussion is not open for debate. I’ll call you tonight. I gotta go.” Kim gave Nichole a peck on the cheek before swinging around to walk out the door.

* * *

Scene 2

Markus woke up staring at the ceiling. Looking over to his end table, he saw that it’s 3:30 pm. Sunset is so damned early in the winter. No matter. It just gives more time to kill Sentinals, those soulless beings who his kind had been at war with for a very long time. Markus rubbed his face a bit before willing a light on in the bathroom. Getting up took a bit more effort, but as he sat up on his king sized bed, he stretched up to the ceiling. Passing a large oak wardrobe, he went to the bathroom sink and turned on the water. After splashing cold water on his face to wake up a bit, he grabbed a terrycloth towel to dry off.

Staring at the mirror, he took a good look at himself. At 6’5” 270 pounds he looked menacing. His muscles bulged through the black cotton shirt he was wearing. He had fed two days ago, so his eyes were black still. His black hair was cut short and the gel he used spiked it a bit. Markus pulled his thick legs though black leather pants and laced up his boots.

After willing the light off in the bathroom, Markus left his bedroom and walked into what he called “The Toy Room”. The room had all forms of weapons at his disposal. He looked around the room and decided what he would suit up with tonight on patrol. The right wall had swords he had collected over the years. He grabbed a katana third from the ceiling and felt the weight in his hands. Deciding this was the one he would use tonight he strapped it along his back so the hilt was just above his head. He took two Glock 40s and holstered them along his sides before putting on a long black leather coat, then shoved two clips in its pocket and strapped a dagger along his left thigh.

He grabbed some pop tarts from the kitchen and looked at the clock to make sure the sun had indeed set, before he risked getting a sun burn of the worst kind. Markus went to the garage, deciding to take his baby today. Why dematerialize when you’ve got a Porsche 911 turbo waiting for you. After backing out of the garage, he drove through the dense forest he built his house in the middle of. The drive was unmarked at the main road with the exception of his mailbox.

Turning right, Markus gunned the gas which took him to 100 mph in ten seconds flat. He turned on the headlights as a matter of habit. Not that his eyes needed them. His acute vision allowed him to see in the darkness around him, though it was important to at least look human in public. The brotherhood had a meeting at the King’s house, and he did not want to be late.

Twenty minutes later, he arrived at the King’s mansion. Markus stopped at the gate and punched in the key code to let him in. The gates parted and he drove around to the back where other rather expensive vehicles where parked as well. Getting out of his Porsche, he noticed that the video cameras were tracking him as he punched in a second code to enter the mansion.

Markus walked down the hallway. He greeted the King’s servant, Max, and went to the lord’s study, where the other brothers were waiting. The King was not pleased.

“You’re late,” Damon, the King, stated.

“Sorry, my King.” Markus bowed halfway before taking a seat on the couch next to Dante.

The King scoffed at Markus’s attempt of courtesy. “Dante and Roland, I want you two to patrol the city tonight. There is an increase in Sentinal activity that we need to get a handle on. Let’s see how many we can take out tonight. Tanner and Nicholas I need you to investigate a possible Sentinal localization at an abandoned warehouse on Wilson and 5th. Ok everyone. Let’s get it done.”

Markus stood up quickly. “Sire, I think you forgot someone.”

“No, actually I didn’t. You’ve been on rotation for the past two weeks Markus. You’re fried. I’m taking you off rotation for three nights. Go. Do something. I’m ordering you to take your mind off the war for a few days. Get some rest. That will be all everyone.”

Markus plopped back down on the couch. Get some rest? What exactly am I supposed to do for three days?

michaelschaap
April 26th, 2012, 09:16 PM
There were many questions regarding some characters. One being the villain and another being that Markus is a Vampire. I added some lines to scene 2 to make sure that the reader knew who the characters were....


Scene 2



Markus woke up staring at the ceiling. Looking over to his end table, he saw that it’s 3:30 pm. Sunset is so damned early in the winter. No matter. It just gives more time to kill Sentinals, those soulless beings who his kind had been at war with for centuries. Sentinals were once human, but were robbed of their souls by the one called The Master. Regrettably, there seemed to be an endless supply of Humans to turn. Markus rubbed his face a bit before willing a light on in the bathroom. Getting up took a bit more effort, but as he sat up on his king sized bed, he stretched up to the ceiling. Passing a large oak wardrobe, he went to the bathroom sink and turned on the water. After splashing cold water on his face to wake up a bit, he grabbed a terrycloth towel to dry off.

Staring into the mirror, he took a good look at himself. At 6’5” 270 pounds he looked menacing. His muscles bulged through the black cotton shirt he was wearing. He had fed two days ago, so his eyes were black still. Since he was one of the few warriors of the Vampire race, he only needed to feed every month or so. This need to feed changed if he was healing, but, as luck would turn, he was one of the best with the sword. His black hair was cut short and the gel he used spiked it a bit. Markus pulled his thick legs though black leather pants and laced up his boots.


After willing the light off in the bathroom, Markus left his bedroom and walked into what he called “The Toy Room”. The room had all forms of weapons at his disposal. He looked around the room and decided what he would suit up with tonight on patrol. The right wall had swords he had collected over the years. He grabbed a katana third from the ceiling and felt the weight in his hands. Deciding this was the one he would use tonight he strapped it along his back so the hilt was just above his head. He took two Glock 40s and holstered them along his sides before putting on a long black leather coat, then shoved two clips in its pocket and strapped a dagger along his left thigh.



He grabbed some pop tarts from the kitchen and looked at the clock to make sure the sun had indeed set, before he risked getting a sun burn of the worst kind. Markus went to the garage, deciding to take his baby today. Why dematerialize when you’ve got a Porsche 911 turbo waiting for you. After backing out of the garage, he drove through the dense forest he built his house in the middle of. The drive was unmarked at the main road with the exception of his mailbox.



Turning right, Markus gunned the gas which took him to 100 mph in ten seconds flat. He turned on the headlights as a matter of habit. Not that his eyes needed them. His acute vision allowed him to see in the darkness around him, though it was important to at least look human in public. The brotherhood had a meeting at the King’s house, and he did not want to be late.



Twenty minutes later, he arrived at the King’s mansion. Markus stopped at the gate and punched in the key code to let him in. The gates parted and he drove around to the back where other rather expensive vehicles where parked as well. Getting out of the Porsche, he noticed that the video cameras were tracking him as he punched in a second code to enter the mansion.



Markus walked down the hallway. He greeted the King’s servant, Max, and went to the lord’s study, where the other brothers were waiting. The King was not pleased.



“You’re late,” Damon, the King, stated.



“Sorry, my King.” Markus bowed halfway before taking a seat on the couch next to Dante.



The King scoffed at Markus’s attempt of courtesy. “Dante and Roland, I want you two to patrol the city tonight. There is an increase in Sentinal activity that we need to get a handle on. Let’s see how many we can take out tonight. Tanner and Nicholas I need you to investigate a possible Sentinal localization at an abandoned warehouse on Wilson and 5th. Ok everyone. Let’s get it done.”



Markus stood up quickly. “Sire, I think you forgot someone.”



“No, actually I didn’t. You’ve been on rotation for the past two weeks Markus. You’re fried. I’m taking you off rotation for three nights. Go. Do something. I’m ordering you to take your mind off the war for a few days. Get some rest. That will be all everyone.”



Markus plopped back down on the couch. Get some rest? What exactly am I supposed to do for three days?

michaelschaap
May 2nd, 2012, 04:17 PM
Here is Chapter 2 of the Brothers of the Sword series I am working on. Critique away :)

Michael


Chapter 2


Scene 1


Dread assailed Nichole as she knocked on Beth’s door. Her stomach had been turning since she got the note that morning. This is it, she thought. Beth opened the door quickly, as if she had been expecting her. “Hi Nichole. Come and have a seat.


Nichole sat down and crossed her legs, waiting what she knew was going to happen.

“Well, as you probably are well aware, we are going through a rough patch at the moment. With the take over and all, there have been a lot of changes. The budget was also cut again. I’m very sorry but we are going to have to let you go.”


“I kinda had a feeling it was coming to this.” Nichole laughed.


“Your work here has been exemplary. I’ll make sure you have a glowing recommendation.”


“Why thank you, Beth.” Nichole laughed more. “And when you get rid of everyone with experience around here, who’s going to run things, huh? All the new people you hired cheap won’t have a clue.” Nichole got up and left the office before she said something she would regret.


Nichole packed a box of her things and tried to leave the office without the pity faces of everyone. She broke down and cried when Kim hugged her though. Kim reminded her of their talk that morning, that she was going to be fine… Whatever.


She stepped out the door into the snow and walked to her car. Nichole shoved the box in the back and brushed off the car. Turning the key, she heard her old Pinto come to life before pealing out of the parking lot. It was snowing hard, so she was driving slower than she was used to. She half wanted to pull over and see if she could just wait the heavy snowfall out, but her day sucked. All she wanted to do was to get home, crawl under the covers, and sleep the night off.


Turning on 105, she passed the nature reserve she went so often in the spring, which only reminded her how much she hated winter. Suddenly, she hit a patch of ice. She hit the brakes, but the car started skidding out of control. The car veered off the road and Nichole started bouncing on the seat. Peering closer towards the windshield she saw a huge tree. The last thing Nichole heard was her scream before losing consciousness.


* * *

Scene 2


Markus stood outside the door to the King’s study, a little pissed off. Fried. He called me fried. Roland patted him on the shoulder as he left with Dante. I’m not fried. I mean, I might be a little tired but that is a far cry from fried. Pissed off even more, Markus started heading toward his car. As he watched his brothers by oath go off to their assignments, he decided that he needed a drink. Electrika, a club downtown, seemed the best place for him at this moment. Hell, who knew, maybe he would even find a Sentinal to kill while he was there.


Turning right at the King’s driveway, Markus drove towards downtown. After turning left on 105, his phone rang. He frowned when the caller ID brought up Roland. Markus hit the speaker phone.


"What!” He barked.


“Ah, come on, it’s just three lousy days,” Roland said. “Three days, and you’ll be back in the field.”


“Yeah, I know. I’m just pissed off. It’ll pass. I’m heading to Electrika. Meet me there when you’re done.”


“Will do, my brother. Later.”


Markus ended the call, cursing to himself. Just then, he passed a small car that had struck a tree head on. Out of curiosity, he turned around to check it out. The car was small and completely covered with at least two inches of snow. It must have been sitting there for some time. As Markus walked towards the car, he smelled blood and had a feeling that if someone was in the car he was probably dead. When he came up to the car, he brushed the window with his hand to see if someone was in it.


“Oh shit,” Markus murmured.


What he saw made his heart skip a beat. It was not a man in the car, but a woman. The most beautiful woman he ever laid eyes on. She had long blond hair that flowed down to her mid back. Her lips had on light pink lipstick. She was very petite, with firm breasts, and all the right curves. She was covered with blood and he sensed her heart was, ever so slightly, beating.


Markus turned around and headed back toward his car. She is not my problem, he thought. If I did something stupid like save her, she would feel my presence. What would I do with her after I saved her, and how would I explain things to her. It’s too dangerous for a human to be in my world. Hell, it’s too dangerous for a human to even know of my world. Humans die, they die all the time. What business do I have saving one? Markus got to his car and opened the door to get in. God is she ever beautiful. Markus, think with your head not your cock. She’ll die in your world. You are not strong enough to save her!


“Fuck!” Markus yelled as he stalked back to the snow covered car.


He tried to open the door, but it was bent from the collision. With both his hands, he clawed at the tiny space between the door and the rest of the car. When he got his fingers in the small space, he pulled at the door. The door separated with a loud groan. He looked at her passionately and wondered if he was doing the right thing.


With no time to second guess himself, Markus took the dagger that was strapped to his thigh and sliced the vein at his wrist. He placed his wrist to the woman’s mouth and hoped she was not too far gone that her natural reflexes would not take over. His blood just dripped out of her mouth, but he held it there with the hope that she would take his life sustaining blood. Though after a few moments, nothing happened. She was gone.


Defeated, Markus took his wrist and was about to lick the wound closed. Just before he brought his tongue to the wound, he saw a slight movement of the woman’s throat. She swallowed! With sudden joy, he brought his wrist back to her mouth and she started drinking his blood. Her cold lips became warm and moist. Markus saw her face pink up as she took more of him. It was working!


As the woman continued to drink from him, he saw her purse and grabbed for it. Fumbling at its contents, Markus found her driver’s license.


“Nichole. Nichole, stay with me. You hear me? Stay with me Nichole!”

Violet-Blue
June 4th, 2012, 09:11 PM
Your dialog is very repetitive and it's difficult to distinguish one character's voice from the other...in other words, they both sound the same. Each character you write must have their own way of speaking...unless they're twins? ;-) It can be difficult but it can be done! Make sure you are reading as much as you are writing, if not more so in the beginning. The library is a wonderful tool and great on your pocketbook too. Read as much as you can across as many different authors within the genre you're writing for. It really helps your writing. Pay attention to the mechanics of HOW they write and WHAT they write. Pay attention to the dialogue tags as well. There really is an industry standard that you will find across the board when it comes to dialogue tags.

It's always "Blah, blah, blah," she said. or "Blah, blah, blah," she asked. Never "says" or "asks" unless you are writing in first person present tense...which you don't seem to be doing here.


“I’ve got three months of salary saved up. Just three months… you know how long it takes to find another worthless, dead end job?”


“You’ll be ok. You know how I know you’ll be ok? Because you’re always ok. Something will come up for you. Something better than this worthless, dead end job.” "Ok" is ALWAYS spelled out "Okay." Unless you are making an emphasis: O. K.!!! Here again you are repeating what the other character already said...


“Ha! Not only am I sore but I’m going out. That is, ‘we’ are going out. If you refuse to get a boyfriend to go double dating, then you’re at least going to go out with me. You’re going to come to at least keep Alan and my mind on the clean side. So, whatever the outcome of your little note turns out to be, we are going dancing tomorrow night around seven and no this discussion is not open for debate. I’ll call you tonight. I gotta go.” Kim gave Nichole a peck on the cheek before swinging around to walk out the door. This kind of dialogue needs cleaning up. Also interject the dialogue with some action to keep it from slowing your story down. You really only need about half of this dialogue. Keep that in mind when your character wants to get long-winded on you! ;-) A couple of mine love to do that to me, but it's not always what is best for your story. Remember: if it doesn't move your story forward, make a point, or evoke emotion: laughter, sadness, anger, etc.; then cut it down!


Passing a large oak wardrobe, he went to the bathroom sink and turned on the water. After splashing cold water on his face to wake up a bit, he grabbed a terrycloth towel to dry off. Passive writing... make it active!


Markus plopped back down on the couch. Get some rest? What exactly am I supposed to do for three days? The last sentence is written as if her were saying it...meaning it's in first person and you've been writing in third person. You can still do this with your characters, but either put it in italics, (which makes it a thought in his head,) or put it in quotes, so he's saying it out loud.


Nichole sat down and crossed her legs, waiting [for] what she knew was going to happen. (missing word)


Turning the key, she heard her old Pinto come to life before (pealing) [should be peeling] out of the parking lot.


It was snowing hard, so she was driving slower than she was used to. should be: "so she drove slower than..."


Turning on 105, she passed the nature reserve she went so often in the spring, which only reminded her how much she hated winter. Suddenly, she hit a patch of ice. She hit the brakes, but the car started skidding out of control. The car veered off the road and Nichole started bouncing on the seat. Peering closer towards the windshield she saw a huge tree. The last thing Nichole heard was her scream before losing consciousness.

I know this is your first draft, but I'm going to rewrite the above para so you can see how you can improve your writing:

Turning onto the 105, she passed the nature reserve she frequented in the spring. In this season of dead white and gray, she remembered the colorful blossoms she loved to walk amongst after the long hard winter. Still in the reverie of her thoughts, she noticed the car began a slow, sideways skid. She pumped the brakes, but the car continued to slide out of control. She knew she was panicking as she over-corrected the wheels and found herself headed toward the embankment. Nichole bounced in her seat uncontrollably while the car careened to the edge. Peering closer and closer to the windshield was a huge tree. They say you see your life flash before your eyes when you're in an accident. The only thing she saw was that big damned tree before losing consciousness.

Or something like that... but read the original and then the rewrite and notice the infusion of action words and the flow that keep the reader both interested and moving toward the conclusion of the para. Make sure each scene is like this and each sentence and each paragraph, each chapter...etc.

You need to keep practicing, but you're getting there! Don't get discouraged by all these critiques...remember they are to HELP you become the writer you want to be. You will get there. It's hard, I know. I've been writing for many years and I still don't have it all down yet!

I was going to stop the crit there but continued reading and had to point a few things out:


Her lips had on light pink lipstick. She was very petite, with firm breasts, and all the right curves. She was covered with blood and he sensed her heart was, ever so slightly, beating. That first sentence is very awkward and I doubt he would have noticed all those minute details...men seldom do, even a supernatural one.


He looked at her passionately and wondered if he was doing the right thing. He can't SEE his own expression, and this is his POV, so that has to change. You could just take out the word "passionately" and that would solve the problem.

Good ending! I'm interested to see where this story goes! This story does remind me A LOT of The Black Dagger Brotherhood series by J.R. Ward...I don't know if you've read the books or not, but just be careful, you don't want your story to seem like a copy cat. Figure out a way to put a different spin on yours now that you've just started it. I had completed an entire novel and sent it out to agents only to be told that while they loved my writing, it was too similar to others on the market. Do your homework and get creative!

I noticed in an earlier post that you had a question about how much sex you should inject into the story...I'm having a hard time with this question as well. I think I want to start a thread about it because it is an important question! One that I need help on deciding as well.

Hope this helped! If not...please don't shoot me! LOL

authorkid94
August 27th, 2012, 11:00 PM
Seems like a god idea. You'll have to keep us all posted on how it's doing, I'm curious.

Tripper1963
October 8th, 2012, 10:41 PM
i like this snow flake idea never saw it before i personally can see a improvement in the dialogue and you should continue progress interesting to read

alixer
December 28th, 2012, 07:22 PM
I really like the snowflake idea! I'm rather new at providing constructive criticism but it seems like an awesome start. I look forward to seeing what you do with this.