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lcg
April 5th, 2012, 05:36 AM
This is the prologue of the novel I am writing. Will like to know your views on it. Detail critics are most welcome.


The dreaded time has finally managed to sneak its way around. The luxurious,memorable three months have reached to their conclusion. I am back at this knoll; the knoll which has been my window to the campus; the knoll which has shared my sorrows and joy faithfully for three months. Tonight this knoll reflected the inky darkness of my heart lighted only by the glittering stars of beautiful memories. I wonder what I have gained in these months . This student exchange programme was supposed to be my first flight to the world of my dreams. Nobody could believe that I wanted to or I would be able to survive the Paris. My shyness, my introvert nature ,my dismal French- none of the attributes recommended for the student exchange programme. But the chance to visit Paris, enjoy unhindered three months in the renowned University of Paris and above all, lure to explore the freedom and my courage; I was in the seventh heaven when I was given this opportunity. Today, I will leave behind the echo of my silent dreams at this knoll. I came to this student exchange programme to capture the city of Paris in my memory, instead I have discovered a whole new world of emotions and sensations in its embrace. I have been converted to a more outgoing version myself. And I have received a gift which is incomparable- a gift which I was about to leave behind.

I know he is approaching me even before the crunching leaves announce his arrival. His essence, his fragrance is imprinted on me. Although we have known each other for three months now, I can still feel that magnetic pull whenever he is near me. He wraps his arms around me and pulls me snug to his body. I savour his strength, his warmth and try to memorize every small detail. This will in all probability be the last time we are together. Of course he won't come to be there in Delhi with me. And I can't even ask him. How can I say anything when I know how much this college means to him. God, how will I survive without him ? He has become my addiction, my need, my necessity. How does one say good bye to such a relation?

" Trisha, are you sure nothing can be done?", he asks, wealth of emotions in his voice.

I steel my heart to answer him. "No Ishaan, you also know it is not possible. We have explored and discarded every probability. It is not feasible for me to stay here. I cannot abandon my dreams, my education and my family to come to you. And you cannot kick aside your scholarship, your expectations to come to me. We may reach a compromise but it will be like bitter pill poisoning our minds. So let us not complicate the situation anymore."

"I love you too much to lose you. Its like I am going to lose a part of myself somewhere."

"I love you too but not as much to tamper with our dreams. They say time heals every wound. With time, this will also heal. And I will be just a pleasant shimmering memory. "

"May be....maybe not. I knew this was bound to happen when I met you then why is it so difficult? Why does it pain me? Why does it feel as if my heart is being wrenched in pieces?"

"I don't know Ishaan , I don't know. I don’t understand what game fate is playing. Just know that, I had a wonderful time with you. I have never felt so cherished, so cared for, so loved. You are a real sweetheart. I will miss you."

"You will be in touch, Trisha?" He asked.

"No I won't be. Let me heal this way. I am too vulnerable to be in touch. But anytime your mind dwindle rationally to me, you know where to find me . May be when this term ends, if you stll remember me then, you can come to India.
I am sure you will be over me by that time. And, if not, I will know we need to be together. Our paths are currently so diverged that they cannot meet but may be sometimes later, when the things are more settled these paths may converge."

I finally turned my tear drenched face to him "Good bye, my prince. The world is a better place with you here." My throat choked with the tears. I know he has never been a person with so many words. He has always expressed himself more with his eyes and actions rather than with words. And today his eyes are the window to his pain of the distance. They are brimming with unshed tears and unsaid emotions. I am afraid to even wonder what my face is showing.

Unable to say or hear anymore, I ran from the love, the warmth and the knoll leaving only the echo of Ishaan's last words behind me " I love you, Trisha."

I have done the right thing but broken myself in the process. Maybe he will come to Delhi. But I know it is a wasted hope. Nobodies like me do not get the diamonds like Ishaan. May be Ishaan doesn't understand this yet but this dream has reached its end.

Potty
April 5th, 2012, 05:52 AM
The dreaded time has finally managed to sneak its way around. The luxurious,memorable three months have reached to their conclusion. I am back at this knoll; the knoll which has been my window to the campus; the knoll which has shared my sorrows and joy faithfully for three months. Tonight this knoll reflected the inky darkness of my heart lighted only by the glittering stars of beautiful memories. I wonder what I have gained in these months . This student exchange programme was supposed to be my first flight to the world of my dreams. Nobody could believe that I wanted to or I would be able to survive the Paris. My shyness, my introvert nature ,my dismal French- none of the attributes recommended for the student exchange programme. But the chance to visit Paris, enjoy unhindered three months in the renowned University of Paris and above all, lure to explore the freedom and my courage; I was in the seventh heaven when I was given this opportunity. Today, I will leave behind the echo of my silent dreams at this knoll. I came to this student exchange programme to capture the city of Paris in my memory, instead I have discovered a whole new world of emotions and sensations in its embrace. I have been converted to a more outgoing version myself. And I have received a gift which is incomparable- a gift which I was about to leave behind.

This whole paragraph can be summed up with "I lay back on the knoll where I spend most of my evenings, the grass tickling the back of my neck. I allow my gaze to be sucked up by the night sky while I reflect on my time in Paris. I was so shy at first, but my time here has changed me."

The second can be summed up with: "The sound of crunching leaves tell me he aproaches. My love, who would have known being here as an exchange student would lead to such an intimate relationship. I don't wan't to leave him, I could ask him to come back with me but I know how much this college means to him. It wouldn't be fair to ask."

Don't get me wrong I see what you're trying to do here but in my OWN opinion (as everyones is different) I don't like to beat about the bush much. If there is a point to a paragraph I like it to be made. Too much Lah-de-dah writing make my eyes water. I like the emotion you have put into your work, I think you're good at wrapping words round to make them work on the readers goosepimply bits. But it doesn't work for me.

Again, this is just my opinion. It isn't the only one out there :D

lcg
April 5th, 2012, 06:14 AM
Thanks Potty for the prompt view...Since I am writing for the first time, it is good to know what people like to read.

Elvenswordsman
April 8th, 2012, 01:24 PM
Screw Potty. Description adds to the imagery of a scenario, there's a reason it's called reading and not TV.

I liked it enough to read through, but you've got to do something to manage your conversations. You have "this" and then "that" without saying anything about the character.

"I lied." She spoke softly, sitting next to my arm. "I hadn't meant to, but it seems I can no longer hide it from you."

Sitting up, he drew a breath. "What's this about Carolyn?"

Tears streaming down her face, she reached out for his hand. "I love you. You know that, right?" She choked the last word out, as sobs started to wreak havoc on her composure.

"Carolyn." he said, longing dripping off every syllable. Regret drew across his face, as he knew what her tears were caused by; not regret towards her, and their relationship, but towards that which he was most terrified of had happened, and that he couldn't change it. "I don't care. I love you too, and no matter what you've done, I'll always love you. We're in this together, we have Jonathan to think about." He paused here, worried that thoughts, drifting to her son, might cause her more distress than she currently endured. "I love you, and it's okay."

"But Mark, I..."

"It doesn't matter Carolyn." He leaned over and kissed her lips, her tears wetting his cheeks. He was happy with her, and he loved her, no matter her actions. He would seek revenge, and he would draw fault from Carolyn, but he loved her, and would forgive her every action. He only hoped she would forgive him.

Notice that it's not about just cramming words into the conversation, developing the conversation through their dictation. It's about creating a scene, using the conversation only as a means to transfer the situation. The imagery, the background, is what builds the conversation up into a situation that could draw emotion from the reader.

lcg
April 8th, 2012, 02:10 PM
Thanx Elevenswordsman!!! I guess since I know the story, I could not undesrtand the impact of this and that. I will try to modify it but it will take some time.

Elvenswordsman
April 8th, 2012, 02:15 PM
Thanx Elevenswordsman!!! I guess since I knw d story, I cudnt undestand d impact of dis and dat... I will try to modify it bt it will tak sm time.

Do this again, I'll stop responding to your posts. You're on a writing site, use proper grammar and spelling.

lcg
April 8th, 2012, 02:20 PM
I will be careful not to repeat this offence.