PDA

View Full Version : Love at first sight



archer88iv
March 31st, 2012, 11:34 PM
He spun the steering to the left and let it unwind as he massaged the throttle, shifting into second through the long corner. He got his hand back on the wheel in due time, accelerating away from the stoplight. His other hand still clutched the phone to his ear, and there was a smile on his face. You know the kind.


She had one of those sexless, protestant accents that didnít come through cleanly over the air, but he was sure that it would be better in person. They were from different worlds. There would be things they each had to adjust to. That was fine. What mattered was that she felt about him the way he felt about her. That she was ready to do whatever it took to be together, and to be happy, and all that sappy nonsense. Ok, it was a long shot, but it was a shot they had to take. Together. It hadnít been easy, and it wouldnít get easier. They knew. They were ready. They had already had their first taste.


When her old man first heard that she met her latest beaux online, he had lost it. Had her committed. No shit! A jilted old flame had something to do with that. The right lie in the wrong ears can do anything. ďI donít care how much you love her. My daughter isnít making good on a suicide pact with any goddamn Internet predator!Ē Even after the old bastard had sifted through the bullshit, there was no way out of a one week involuntary vacation in a state mental facility. They were allowed to talk for half an hour each morning during her stay there.


In the end, she was your standard twenty-something college graduate: independent, but without any dream job to tie her down. Just like him. Just like everyone else. After her whiny mother and half-psychotic father were satisfied, there was nothing to keep them apart other than the few hundred miles between them. It took a while to arrange it, but they pulled it off. She spent hours telling him of this place she had stayed on vacation as a kid and talking up the food and the atmosphere and how romantic it had been. Rosieís. That was the name.


It was a bed-and-breakfast-and-horses thing, far as he could tell, just out past the edge of town. It was going to be their special place. The one thing that had gone right in the time since they had met. There had been one single solitary opening on the perfect weekend for the two of them to meet there. She had booked it in an instant, with no hesitation, without even asking him first. He had been delighted when she told him at last.


Ten miles out of town. Ten minutes out of town. He set the cruise on 60 and told her they would see one another live and in person for the first time in just ten minutes, but he realized just as the words left his mouth that the connection was bad. To be expected, really, given the terrain and the remote location; the cell signal at its best had never been more than one or two bars for most of the trip out here. He started to redial but then decided to surprise her. The beautiful girl in the red car. The most beautiful girl in the world.


It was just after sunset when his headlights swept across the parking lot. Across the bumper of a gray Buick. A brown Saab. A cute, yellow, BMW.

Violet-Blue
June 4th, 2012, 09:42 PM
Not sure what kind of crit you wanted on this...is this a scene from a chapter, or is this a short story? The backstory certainly made it interesting, other than that, I didn't see anything technically wrong with it.

So what happened to the sexless-protestant-accented girl? You've piqued my interest ;-)

ebattle
June 22nd, 2012, 08:15 PM
Basically a man is meeting up with a girl he met on line. That said I had to fight with this to make it flow for me. The second paragraph in particular made this segment a bit confusing to me.
She had one of those sexless, protestant accents that didn’t come through cleanly over the air, I feel this is not a very complementary statement about a character I assume you want us to like or at least for the male character to like.but he was sure that it would be better in person. Why is he sure? they were from different worlds. There would be things they each had to adjust to. That was fine. What mattered was that she felt about him the way he felt about her. Why? So far he finds her sexless.That she was ready to do whatever it took to be together, and to be happy, and all that sappy nonsense. Ok, it was a long shot, but it was a shot they had to take. She is going to do whatever it takes to be together but its a long shot? I'm confused.. Together. It hadn’t been easy, and it wouldn’t get easier. They knew. They were ready. They had already had their first taste. They knew? First taste? I thought they were just meeting. He doesn't even know what her voice sounds like in person how does he know her? I need a little bit more.
.
In the end, in the end of what? the hospital stay? she was your standard twenty-something college graduate: independent, but without any dream job to tie her down. Just like him. Just like everyone else. it might be nice to discover this about her through her and her actions. After her whiny mother and half-psychotic father were satisfied, there was nothing to keep them apart other than the few hundred miles between them. It took a while to arrange it, but they pulled it off. She spent hours telling him of this place she had stayed on vacation as a kid and talking up the food and the atmosphere and how romantic it had been. Rosie’s. That was the name.

I think this segment has a lot of potential (or else I just wouldn't have responded.) so I hope I wasn't being too picky or harsh. Remember it's all just my opinion :)

philistine
June 22nd, 2012, 08:17 PM
The first paragraph is like one big sexual allegory. It's the Plato's Cave of foreplay 101.

My commendations.

patrickjamieson
July 20th, 2012, 08:29 AM
Though I'm slightly unsure as to whether it's a short or a segment from something larger, I really enjoyed the style. The second paragraph for me was actually the highest in terms of quality and that was a voice which wasn't quite as well replicated throughout. A lot of potential though, I'd be really interested to see it expanded.

alixer
December 29th, 2012, 04:52 AM
The most interesting part of this piece was the bit at the end where the phone goes out. Foreshadowing anyone? That said, this has quite a bit of potential and I'm looking forward to seeing more about their encounter.

archer88iv
February 18th, 2013, 05:56 AM
I'm honestly pretty surprised how few people seemed to pick up on the fact that the girl isn't there at all. There is no encounter. They will never meet. There is no more to this story.

summergenevieve
June 10th, 2013, 09:45 AM
I'm so confused. Is the romance between cars? The first paragraph has strong imagery that suggests this. Other than that, it flows very well and your description is excellent. :)

ericjohn
December 21st, 2013, 01:25 PM
I liked it a lot and I hope that you write them to find true love. Who says a protestant woman has to have a sexless accent? What about a southern belle? I have heard of other situations where someone is commiteed for having a relationship that the parents disprove of. That loosely sounds like plenty of the things I have been recently posting/discussing on Writers Beat (another writing forum.) Maybe when these two characters get together in the story; they can engage in pda (if anyone else on here is on Writers Beat, don't start another controversy here.)

Moving on.

What's the deal with the cars? Is it actually her that pulls into the parking lot?

The_D_is_silent
December 24th, 2013, 04:14 PM
There seems to be some good stuff in there. Remember, don't worry about telling your readers what's going on. That's why they are readers. I've noticed a lot of writers want the reader to try to decode their work, but that doesn't seem like a very good strategy to me.

N J Xkey
January 19th, 2014, 12:47 PM
Ha ha, I'm so glad someone else read the first paragraph as sexual, I thought it was just my own filthy mind ;) I really enjoyed it, nicely paced and intriguing. I really disliked the man at first (entirely because he was on his mobile while driving) he struck me as arrogant, bit of a show off. But quickly I changed my mind, I was genuinely disappointed for him at the end (yes, I did pick up on the fact that she wasn't there. Nicely done, not spoon fed to the reader but not too hidden either) my only confusion is WHY she wasn't there? Something to do with her father I'm guessing. I was left feeling a little unfulfilled (but then seeing as the main character would have been feeling something along those lines I'm not sure that is a bad thing anyway). Overall, nice job :)