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RedSky
March 30th, 2012, 07:45 PM
Ok guys so I want to cover a few things before sharing this first rough draft of my book. Apocalypse: Uprising has been canceled, and I'm afraid I won't go into detail, but it doesn't really matter, thats not the big news here. I will be devoting alot of time to editing and revising dead orbit as it goes on and I hope you guys enjoy this first part.


The sun blazed in the blue summer sky above the small island. Smoke billowed high above the island massively. Sirj ran ahead of his squad swiftly leading them through the forest to the resistance warships. His sword was drawn and his sub machine gun slung over his shoulder. Nora ran closely behind him with her pistol drawn. Her skirt made her a bit slower than usual. Duzt ran very close to Nora's back holding a short sword and panting with exhuastion. The rest of the soldiers quickly followed behind the three.

"C'mon guys. We can't afford more losses, lets get a move on... Get to the ships!" Sirj yelled behind him as gun crackles and explosions came from behind.

"Sirj! What if there are still others on the island?" Nora asked exasperatedly while running closely behind.

Sirj immediately stopped, and the other resistance soldiers stopped behind him as well as Nora and Duzt. He turned to Nora and his expression turned hectic. His brown hair nearly covered his troubled blue eyes.

"Your right... I'll go back... You guys go to the ships and get them started and if any NETCOM soldiers show up on that beach, then you take off, I,ll be ok, I promise" Sirj said to Nora and the other soldiers. Sirj grabbed Nora's hands and they grew cold almost instantly.

"You can't take them all----." Nora was interrupted. Her hair was a silver that Sirj always thought was so beautiful and he glimpsed at it thinking he may not see it again.

"I will do what I can, You guys worry more about getting to those ships in one piece." Sirj said confidently. "Duzt look after this one while I'm gone will you?" Sirj said starting to walk in the other direction.

"Right Sirj, you can count on me." Duzt remarked instantly instantly signaling the remaining soldiers to follow him through the forest. Deafening explosions could be heard in the distance and faint gun crackles miles away.

bazz cargo
April 2nd, 2012, 09:50 PM
Great title. You have packed a remarkable amount of information into a small space. Very neatly.

Thrown into the action, sort of. Resistance, space ships, a hint of a relationship. Not everything going to plan. Tight wordage.

Not sure about the gun and sword mix.

And the opening could do with a tweak. Something like 'Smoke billowing above the island reduced the blazing summer's midday sun to a dim glow.' Unless the weather is a character in its own right it pays not to open with it.

Cracking read. Well spag'd.

torosuperfly16
April 3rd, 2012, 07:05 PM
That was a really compelling story, I was able to get into it right away. A few spelling and grammar errors aside, it has the makings of a great story. I agree about the gun and sword mix though. It can work, you just have to make sure you implement it in the right way so it doesn't seem forced. Great job though, keep it up!

Elvenswordsman
April 8th, 2012, 03:32 AM
Yeah, you're right - I edited too much. Let's start with this - I don't like your writing style. You cram, and if Dickens were alive he'd slap you for losing your description. If you were paid as he was, you'd be broke. Fortunately, we aren't paid per word anymore. However, it's worth noting that description helps build a scene. Your words force me to think of too many things in one line, leading to loss of imagery.

The sun blazed in the blue summer sky above the small island.

Okay? That's all well and good, but what about separation? The sun could be it's own entity, shining brightly, separated from the earth by the marvelous blue sky. Somewhere between the waves of the ocean and the blue firmament, there was an island. The island wasn't large, by any means, but allowed more than enough space for the XXXX number of inhabitants.

Get what I mean? You don't need to crameverythingtogetherlikethat. If I enjoy your story, I'll only enjoy it more when I can imagine it more clearly.

You are free to disagree, but I believe you need to consider using more description.

Good start, hope it continues.

Iggy
April 9th, 2012, 10:27 PM
I guess i should have read this before critiquing "Apocalypse: Uprising" ...oops lol.

Anyways,

I like the overall scene. You're dropping us right in on the action.

You use a lot of adverbs throughout the piece. A few are fine, but in some cases there were two to a sentence and it weakened the writing. The dialogue could be tightened up and writtern more effectively. For example: "C'mon guys. We can't afford more losses, lets get a move on... Get to the ships!" Sirj yelled behind him as gun crackles and explosions came from behind.' Could be written: "C'mon guys. We can't afford more losses. Let's get a move on." The crackle of gunfire came from behind, followed by an explosion. "Get to the ships, now!" Sirj yelled.

It's a good start for the most part. You just need to go back through it and make every word and sentence count. Tighten up everything and instead of using a lot of adverbs look for stronger verbs or nouns. :smug:

RedSky
April 17th, 2012, 07:47 PM
Thanks guys for all the suggestions, I will take all of this into consideration for my future writing.

BRSaye
April 20th, 2012, 09:19 PM
The only thing I could add is Sirj's reaction when Nora mentions other people on the island. Sirj is obviously in charge, and was willing to head back himself. It didn't make sense to me that he didn't think of the survivors himself. Nora mentioning them seemed kind of a forced way to make Sirj head back alone and put himself in danger.

BRSaye
April 20th, 2012, 09:22 PM
Sorry, one more thing. When Nora said "You can't take them all" and is interrupted, we never really see by what. There is more dialogue later, but it isn't instant.

Orionradar
April 21st, 2012, 12:35 PM
After I read the story I was prepared to make a few comments then looked through the already made comments and...well I'm basically out of "new" comments for you. I agree with what BR said about Sirj failing to notice there may have been men left behind, and what a few others said about the gun/sword mix, although it can certainly work. There are a number of battles in which bayonets have been used, and even swords in the face of guns (although this was primarily before the...1960s).

My only "original" idea would be that you can develop a bit more about Sirj and his position, and the relationship between subordinates. How many are in his "squad?" Everyone is following him as they flee. They are all running away from what I assume is a loss in battle, and yet when he stops, everyone stops. Meaning they must have all been near or looking at him while running. If the squad is only 4-5 people, that's likely, as the numbers rise, so does the chance that they spread out and lose sight of each other as they run through the forest.

Also, Duzt simply agrees with the decision of his superior to go back, alone, against a superior armed force to look for friendlies among a losing effort? Seems like he might be OK with seeing Sirj get himself shot, or he knows something about the man we don't based on this short exerpt.

That's my $.02. Take it for what you will. Hopefully it helps in some way. I do like the intro so far. Definitely kept me reading (and I would have had the posted entry been longer).

Gravehound
April 21st, 2012, 02:31 PM
exasperatedly... Is that even a word? If so, please don't use it anymore. Gives me a headache.
Aside from that you've got some potential going on. A few tweaks here and there. (most of it has been posted in comments.)
I'd like to read some more before I can say if I really like it or not.
Also, read after you post. You should have noticed the double instantly, instantly (lol)
so keep 'em coming!

Cheers Ghound