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Draxia
March 29th, 2012, 06:41 PM
This an execrpt of a novel I begane writing. Any, and all, suggestions/comments are appreciated!

*******

He just wanted to talk to the man. He had paid to make him more amenable to his suggestions. One hundred chith goes a long way in putting silverleaf in a Gerult leader’s drink. It was not often Reese was in this area of dark-haired and pale people. The women were very beautiful. One had approached him earlier. He was draped in wealth, with a long slender sword adorned in gems at its hilt. She knew he could pay. She sat on his lap right now. 10 chith sat on the table.
Reese sat at a broad table at the back of the inn. He could view the front door and the entire inn. She was biting his lip, and then his ear. Her bare white legs were draped over his as he sat there. Three men came through the front doors. The lead wore a shining breastplate, that of the king’s. Reese pinched the woman in the tit and pushed her off him. Breatsplate surveyed the room and scanned each patron. Then his eyes then came to him. He drew his sword and marched directly at him. It was long and shiny in the dim inn’s tavern.
“You!”
Breastplate pointed his sword at him and stopped at the table’s edge. The pale woman had gathered and straightened herself to sit next to Reese. He looked at her, and she at him. “What?,” she mouthed. Reese slouched in his seat. He put his foot up casually, bracing it against the table.
“Can I help you?”
Breastplate leveled the blade at Reese.
“All hear me, this man made good to kill a minister of the king.”
“Oh?”
Reese did not want to finish this conversation. With the other two behind breastplate, he could probably put the table on all three of them.
“And tell me ‘captain,’ can I call you that, ‘captain?’”
Reese waited for an answer, and then launched the table into them. The pale woman screamed as breastplate’s sword was knocked back and the other two scrambled. Reese landed awkwardly on one foot and a knee. He pulled his sword free and angled around the fallen table. One of breastplate’s lackeys pulled his sword. Reese lunged with direct strike to his heart. The lackey stumbled and was caught off guard. The sword pierced his chest and he fell back with wide eyes. Reese turned then to breastplate. Breastplate threw his sword sideways with the force of both arms. Reese brought up his slender sword to deflect it. He lunged then, putting the blade directly into breastplate’s unarmored crotch. The man squawked, and dropped his sword. He brought his hands to his quickly crimsoning crotch and groaned. Reese pulled his sword free and scanned the area. Then there was darkness, and agonizing pain in the base of his skull. He fell forward and crashed into the wooden floor.
“Come, wake, come, WAKE…WAKE UP!”
He heard the voice faintly at first and then at its insistence opened his eyes. He looked up at her face. It was the pale woman.
“WAKE UP!”
“I heard you, shut up.”
He rubbed his eyes and sat up. The second lackey lay on the floor. Reese got up and retrieved his sword. He pointed his sword at the second lackey.
“So, you helped me?”
The pale woman gathered her skirts and wiped the black hair from her face. She stood there, with her breasts practically hanging from her dress. She caught her breath and motioned at the unconscious body.
“Well, you were paying better than he was.”
Reese eyed the woman. She was flushed and kept pulling her black hair from her face.
“We need horses.”
She did not miss a beat.
“I know where the stable is. I can get us horses.”
“Do it.”
She brushed herself off and stood straight.
“It will require chiths.”
He had spent the last of his chiths on drugging the Gerult leader. He pulled out a golden eagle.
“Take this, and get what we need.”
The pale woman smiled and snatched the eagle from his hand.
“With pleasure, my lord.”
She brought him close.”
“Meet me on the north end of the street that this inn sits in five minutes.”
Reese nodded and she scampered off to the back of the inn. He sheathed his sword and stood straight. Most of the other patrons had fled, not wanting to fall under the ire of the king. He walked briskly to the bar.
“Innkeep, innkeep, bring me wine!”
He waited. Soon a small man emerged from the back.
“Yes sir, 5 chith.”
Reese only had eagles on him left. He looked around at the ground at the chith that had fallen when he overturned the table. He picked a few up, and then handed one to the small man. The small man poured wine from a barrel and then handed a squat cup to Reese. He took it and drowned it on one long gulp. He put the cup on the bar and then strode for the door. Five minutes. He began to run north up the street. The street was dead, and few people were about. He waited at the junction of the streets north of the inn. He waited, and soon began to hear a slight sound. It was like the yelping of a dog. He started to the west and became louder and louder. He saw figures around a cloud of dust. They were coming closer. A black figure atop a horse was coming directly at him. Soon too much dust enveloped him and he had to close his eyes.
“So? They are here, your horses.”
The tone of voice was flat and matter-of-fact. Reese looked through the hazy dust. He saw the black figure before. She sat atop a large black horse. The figure tossed him a line.
“Here, this horse is yours.”
He peered at her and waved the dirt from his sight. He bent to pick up the line. It led to a horse larger than the pale figures’. He walked aside the beast, and brought his hand up to its face. He ran his fingers along her mane, and felt its power beneath his stroke. He grabbed its pommel and launched onto it. The beast relented for a moment and then let him ride her. The pale woman spoke.
“Come, this way.”
He followed her without question. They galloped about one mile to a small clearing that met a small lake. The pale woman got off her horse. He galloped to her, and his horse pranced near the other horse. He also dismounted. He shifted the sword at his belt and pulled gloves free of his hands.
“Why did you help me?”
The woman looked at him, and then furtively at the surrounding woods. Reese did not hear anything. The woman stooped, and then darted toward the river.
“This way!”
Reese was startled, but then ran after her. There were dogs after them. He ran for the river. It Appeared before them, as the trees cleared. The pale woman turned to him.
“Can you swim?”
“Yes.”
She jumped into and under the water. She disappeared within the waves. Reese ran and jumped into the water. Its coldness surrounded him. He took it and began to peddle. He peddled till his legs hurt and then he emerged. He grasped for breath.
“Come, here.”
He looked around and saw the pale woman sitting near a fire. He pulled himself from the sea and trudged to her. He sat, exhausted. She threw a few more branches on the fire and it grew. Reese sat a few times and hocked up sea water. He then drew her gaze with his.
“Again, I say, why did you help me?”
“Help you?”
The pale woman threw her hair back.
“We sit now on the closest shore to Belyale, awaiting an army to come save us.”
They sat in silence. Reese did not know what this woman was talking about.
“An Army?”
The pale woman shifted. She then motioned for the grand sea.
“Look for yourself.”
Reese looked out to the sea. He was almost blinded at first by the multitude of lights on its horizon—a horizon rarely afforded here on the isles. They stretched for a hundred miles. He could barely manage the words.
“So, they come?”
The pale woman dug a stick into the ground and lifted the dirt.
“Yes, they come, perhaps too soon, or too late.”

******

Thank you for reading!

abuistrago
March 30th, 2012, 11:15 AM
The grammar almost made me stop reading. There's quite a few spelling mistakes as well that you need to address. It needs a lot of polishing in that aspect.

I was left with a sensation that I have no idea what's going on and I don't know if that's a good thing. Also you might want to give the girl a name (even if it's a description like Breastplate). In a couple of parts I had no idea if you were still referring to the same girl you were in the beggining.

You jumped from present tense to past tense, you need to address that as well:

She knew he could pay. She sat on his lap right now. 10 chith sat on the table.

The "right now" is present tense, everything else is in past tense.

It did spark my interest at the end. It gave me the impression the girl (prostitute?) is not who she says she is.

Hope this helps. Good luck with your writing :)

Kevin
March 30th, 2012, 01:03 PM
Maybe "... was sitting on his lap.." "Then his eyes then came to him.'- got to change that one. "It was long...in the dim inn's tavern"? "Angling"- Maybe "moved around"
The guy he paid to drug, where's he during all this? watching? At the grand sea. "Grand"? 1oo miles- I think we can only see like 15 0r something(earths curvature) and don't say it's a bigger planet because that would just open a whole can of worms...

By the way, it's not bad. Intrigue, swords, and beautiful dangerous women. Ever read any F. Leiber?

grant-g
April 2nd, 2012, 03:43 AM
Then his eyes then came to him. He drew his sword and marched directly at him
(His eyes then came to him.) (He drew his sword and marched directly forth.)

...One of breastplate’s lackeys pulled his sword.
maybe try (One of breastplate's lackeys drew.) that particular section seems to have its flow interrupted by the repetition of the word sword.

(I'd like to say that overall I am feeling interest in what seems to be a particular dialect, the choice of words hold to a style. Im not well read in science-fiction and fantasy but, to me, this is unique and enjoyable. I'll read on now.. )

He looked around at the ground at the chith that had fallen when he overturned the table.(reconsider this sentence, start with just deleting it. I remember the table so maybe he examines what remained of the broken table and found chiths.)

...He waited at the junction of the streets north of the inn. .... He started to the west and became louder and louder
(He waited at the junction north of the inn.) (??How about, he started west, the sounds were getting louder)(or coming into view, or something)(in this paragraph it looks like you may have been getting sleepy, i'd look at that one again when you are fresh.)

... ...Reese did not know what this woman was talking about (how bout Reese seemed confused)
.. ..He was almost blinded at first by the multitude of lights on its horizon (He was almost blinded by the multitude of lights on its horizon)

Im listening to hard rock on sky.fm (hope I can say that without a link) and the tunes are going really well with this exerpt. Like I say Im not well read in this genre but I like the dialect and the flow. It made good sense to me and the suggestions I left were more or less the words my eyes expected to see and stumbled when it wasn't there. Good work

Kevin
April 2nd, 2012, 10:29 AM
Then his eyes then came to him. He drew his sword and marched directly at him
(His eyes then came to him.) (He drew his sword and marched directly forth.)

...One of breastplate’s lackeys pulled his sword.








Im listening to hard rock on sky.fm (hope I can say that without a link) and the tunes are going really well with this exerpt. Like I say Im not well read in this genre but I like the dialect and the flow. It made good sense to me and the suggestions I left were more or less the words my eyes expected to see and stumbled when it wasn't there. Good work
Swords and mail------------->Heavy metal

Wordsworth07
April 2nd, 2012, 11:03 PM
Sentences are a little too choppy for my taste. For example "He bent to pick up the line. It led to a horse larger than the pale figures." - this could be, "He bent to pick up the line that led to horse larger than pale figures."

lcg
April 3rd, 2012, 08:26 AM
It seems too broken...

It was not often Reese was in this area of dark-haired and pale people. The women were very beautiful. One had approached him earlier. He was draped in wealth, with a long slender sword adorned in gems at its hilt. She knew he could pay. She sat on his lap right now. 10 chith sat on the table.

Like in the above quote.. his description should have been before one approached him."

Draxia
April 9th, 2012, 04:22 PM
I try to be as meaningful at the end of my sentences as possible. I do no want to hang on and lag behind in regards to what is actually happening. I don't like to draw things out for an inordinate amount of time. Why dwell on the insigificant details and slow down? These character's are not the slowing down kind. They antitcpate the unexpected and move with their repurcussions. If a person does not disregard a litte, how can they live in the world they have created for themselves?