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RedSky
March 27th, 2012, 07:47 PM
So here is a small part of the story I have just started writing. I would like some feedback and suggestions and please enjoy.


The two men stood in the smoky room with great anxiousness to here what the other had to say. The room was a dusty area which had been vacant for at least five years. Light gleamed in strongly through the window. The tall masculine man sat down in the chair next to him and the other man dressed in a black suit and dark hat sat down in the chair facing the taller man. He took another puff of his Cuban cigar and then opened his mouth to speak.

"So looks like you lived that first mission I gave you... kid I don't s'pose it'd be a problem for me to give ya another would it?" The man in the dark suit asked.

"No, I'm not here to be yer friend Strazonochi. I'm here to avenge my family's death which was caused by your rival, so anyway whats this next "mission" you got for me" The tall masculine man asked with a curious look in his eyes.

"Yes we do have a common enemy." Strazonochi summarized.
"Damn bastards, them." The tall man agreed angrily.
"You said it my friend."
"Say Straz tell me that mission ya got." The tall man asked eagerly.

"Now, what we need you to do Stevenson is get into Naples International Airport and rapidly take out them security guards standin' at the front gate, then we will have all of our "Tommy Gun" Infantry come out of there hiding spots and we will take over the airport in a swift attack. Word has them damn scats are gonna be there so bullets are gonna be fly'in in both directions. The point of the attack is to put fear into the Italian government which will ultimately help us with our main goal, whatcha say kid?" Strazonochi asked eager to here Stevenson's answer.




I Hope you enjoyed this small part to my story. I will be releasing the next part soon and you'll slowly start to see this whole story come together, but the beginning sounds wierd till you here the whole thing, anyway thanks for reading

Iggy
April 9th, 2012, 10:11 PM
Hey RedSky. I think it has potential, but is pretty rough.

First off (and this may just be a pet peeve of mine), it might add some clarity if you simply state the men's names from the get go. It adds unecessary confusion, not suspense, and there doesn't seem to be a reason not to give their names initially.

Some of the decriptions threw me off a little, such as "masculine man" which you used a few times. It seems redundant. Maybe a different word choice, like burly, buff, etc. would make it flow better.

I stumbled over the first sentence. Maybe cut "with great anxiousness", and say "The two men stood in the smoky room, both anxious to hear what the other had to say". Or re-work it entirely becaue it feels more like "telling" than "showing. I also think you could cut the part where Stevenson talks about how Strazonochi's rival killed his family...it feels forced. Reveal it later, or in a different way. This leads me to my next point: when telling about the next mission/attack, maybe leave out a few details so that later they will be surprising and can add tension/suspense. For example, he could say "Now this next mission is to take the Naples International Airport. The scats are gonna be there, so it'll be dangerous. I need you to take out the guards at the gate. Whatcha say, kid?" or something along those lines, so that it's more succint.

Mostly i think you have an interesting start. It needs polishing though. Hope I helped.