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lmc71775
March 24th, 2012, 10:26 PM
If it were me up there, I think I’d be puking my intestines out like one huge sausage link dangling out of the mouth—like something you’d see out of some killer alien movie. How she can be up there with ease is beyond me.

Heather has gotten prettier since last year—her blonde wavy hair is about an inch and a half off her shoulders now. Her lips are plumper and her eyes seem lighter too. Maybe it’s the eyeliner she wears or the couple of strokes of mascara on her thick eyelashes. It doesn’t hurt to have a shapelier chest too.

She could be talking about how paint dries for all I care and I would still be interested in hearing her tell it. But she’s not. She’s telling the class of 2012 that it was a great four years of learning and sharing, and that our life is filled with great hope and expectation. Even though the economy is at its worst and I’d be pitting up against my dad for a job since he and a lot of other fathers I know are out of work.

But with Heather, it almost sounds convincing—like I could get a job today if I tried.

“Bet you can’t wait to bang her, huh?” Chase whispers, nudging me at my side as we sit there in the crowd. “The big bang,” he laughs.

“Shhh…just don’t,” I slip back to him, looking around to see if any of the teachers noticed our porn conversation.

“Oh, that’s right, you want to listen to this shit. Wouldn’t want to ruin the Heather fest of fun.”

I don’t answer him. Instead I concentrate on Heather with her speech. From the tenth row back, she glistens in the spotlight. The glittery eye make-up she has on almost looks like she’s sweating above her eyes. She’s calm and poised and looks directly into the crowd, swiveling her head back and forth like a radar detector. Just once I wish she’d stop and look directly at me. The whole time I’m hoping, I get lost in her words.


“Make this summer your best. Make this summer the rest of all the best to come,” she says.

Heather ends it on that note as everyone gets up to clap. In her closing speech, after everything was said, she did look out into the crowd at someone just before she walked off stage. But it wasn’t me. If I had any chance to tell her how I feel, it was today—before summer started and she did whatever it was she’d be doing. Probably with Max—the guy she locked eyes with in the crowd—the guy she’s with now.

People start gathering outside of the gymnasium. Once I get out there myself, a warm gust of flowering air sneaks into my nostrils, almost making me sneeze. I can tolerate the spring weather every year, but I know I’m allergic to something growing out here.

I meet up with my mom and dad soon after—both of them quickly embracing and congratulating me and taking lame pictures by the Greenford High brick landmark centered around some flowers. Maybe that was what was making my nose itch.

I comb the area with my eyes, searching for her, but it’s too crowded.

“Here, let’s take a picture over here. Just you and your dad,” my mom says, waving us over to the magnolia trees growing alongside the school.

My dad and I embrace each other, side by side. I stand a few inches taller, but our brown hair with the trimmed cuts look almost the same. The only exception is that Dad has a few grays peppered by his temples. We have similar statures too. Well I’m thinner then him. Maybe a bit muscular too. But that’s because I work out.

Dad always marvels that he used to have a body like me, and will work out with me soon, but never does. He has all this time on his hands with no job and all, but most of his time is spent watching t.v.

I keep scanning around for Heather. Finally I spot that golden hair, beaming in the sunlight. I tell my parents I’ll be right back and walk away and towards Heather’s direction. With each step closer, my heart thunders just as loud as the motorcycle that just went by. I can still feel the vibration inside me. I take a deep breath and recite what I am going to say. Heather you were great up there. I enjoyed listening to you. Heather you’re so beautiful. Well, maybe not the last one, but still.

Just as I make my way closer, Chase cuts in front of me and yells out, “Hey dude, there you are! So you feeling lucky now that we’re out, huh?” He glances over to Heather and then back at me. My heart fluttering problem just went from nervously excited to feeling like I can just about throw up. Chase is muttering something in my ear and I get turned off about talking to her. Maybe now’s not the time to tell her I’ve been drooling over her every motion after she moved in last year. Besides she has Max anyway.

After hearing Chase ramble on about what a great summer we’ll have, I wonder what she’s thinking as all her family crowds around her. She seems happy until her face drops into an anxious look with her eyebrows squeezed together. It isn’t until Max comes walking up to her that I notice the shift in facial expressions is because of him. Or at least I’d like to hope it’s because of him. Right then and there my hope of ever being with her opens like a window. I’m hoping this is my chance to finally crawl through it and make some form of connection with her. Maybe she isn’t as happy with him like everyone thinks. Maybe I have a chance after all.

courtneyanne9
March 27th, 2012, 09:06 PM
Wow! I normally have a hard time getting into first person literature, but this is so relatable! You really have a good grasp on the high school perspective.

It was all really well-written, but this paragraph wasn't quite on the same caliber as the rest. I'd consider working on this paragraph in particular.


I keep scanning around for Heather. Finally I spot that golden hair, beaming in the sunlight. I tell my parents I’ll be right back and walk away and towards Heather’s direction. With each step closer, my heart thunders just as loud as the motorcycle that just went by. I can still feel the vibration inside me. I take a deep breath and recite what I am going to say. Heather you were great up there. I enjoyed listening to you. Heather you’re so beautiful. Well, maybe not the last one, but still.

Good luck - you've got a great start.

Jeko
March 28th, 2012, 04:19 PM
I'd put a disclaimer about the language in this before the extract...

I especially liked this section:


From the tenth row back, she glistens in the spotlight. The glittery eye make-up she has on almost looks like she’s sweating above her eyes. She’s calm and poised and looks directly into the crowd, swiveling her head back and forth like a radar detector. Just once I wish she’d stop and look directly at me. The whole time I’m hoping, I get lost in her words.

Very good writing there. I suck at describing women...

I would agree with working on the paragraph mentioned above.

neatnickk
July 13th, 2012, 10:16 PM
I find a lot of the wording awkward.... I get what you are trying to convey but am wanting the words to flow better... I also think you can expand each paragraph to paint better pictures. Check sentences.. they are a little choppy. Good start! I know I can read my work 100's of times and not catch things others see right away, and please take this as helping... you have a good start!


If it were me up there, I think I’d be puking my intestines out like one huge sausage link dangling out of the mouth—like something you’d see out of some killer alien movie. How she can be up there with ease is beyond me.

at ease perhaps?

Heather has gotten prettier since last year—her blonde wavy hair is about an inch and a half off her shoulders now. Her lips are plumper and her eyes seem lighter too. Maybe it’s the eyeliner she wears or the couple of strokes of mascara on her thick eyelashes. It doesn’t hurt to have a shapelier chest too.

Heather is prettier than last year. Her blonde wavy has grown to an inch off her shoulders, her lips are fuller and her beautiful eyes seem a shade brighter. It's probably just some new make up.


She could be talking about how paint dries for all I care and I would still be interested in hearing her tell it. But she’s not. She’s telling the class of 2012 that it was a great four years of learning and sharing, and that our life is filled with great hope and expectation. Even though the economy is at its worst and I’d be pitting up against my dad for a job since he and a lot of other fathers I know are out of work.

Skip and a lot of fathers...makes for a confusing sentence


But with Heather, it almost sounds convincing—like I could get a job today if I tried.

“Bet you can’t wait to bang her, huh?” Chase whispers, nudging me at my side as we sit there in the crowd. “The big bang,” he laughs.

The big bang sounds too much like middle school

“Shhh…just don’t,” I slip back to him, looking around to see if any of the teachers noticed our porn conversation.

“Oh, that’s right, you want to listen to this shit. Wouldn’t want to ruin the Heather fest of fun.”

I don’t answer him. Instead I concentrate on Heather with her speech. From the tenth row back, she glistens in the spotlight. The glittery eye make-up she has on almost looks like she’s sweating above her eyes. She’s calm and poised and looks directly into the crowd, swiveling her head back and forth like a radar detector. Just once I wish she’d stop and look directly at me. The whole time I’m hoping, I get lost in her words.


“Make this summer your best. Make this summer the rest of all the best to come,” she says.

Heather ends it on that note as everyone gets up to clap. In her closing speech, after everything was said, she did look out into the crowd at someone just before she walked off stage. But it wasn’t me. If I had any chance to tell her how I feel, it was today—before summer started and she did whatever it was she’d be doing. Probably with Max—the guy she locked eyes with in the crowd—the guy she’s with now.

People start gathering outside of the gymnasium. Once I get out there myself, a warm gust of flowering air sneaks into my nostrils, almost making me sneeze. I can tolerate the spring weather every year, but I know I’m allergic to something growing out here.

more detail, fewer adjectives... maybe, a warm breeze fills my nostrils almost making me sneeze. The fresh mid western spring air is full of pollen and apparently I am allergic to something that grows here.

I meet up with my mom and dad soon after—both of them quickly embracing and congratulating me and taking lame pictures by the Greenford High brick landmark centered around some flowers. Maybe that was what was making my nose itch.

I make my way from the mass of graduates to find my parents

I comb the area with my eyes, searching for her, but it’s too crowded.

“Here, let’s take a picture over here. Just you and your dad,” my mom says, waving us over to the magnolia trees growing alongside the school.

My dad and I embrace each other, side by side. I stand a few inches taller, but our brown hair with the trimmed cuts look almost the same. The only exception is that Dad has a few grays peppered by his temples. We have similar statures too. Well I’m thinner then him. Maybe a bit muscular too. But that’s because I work out.

than not then... make one sentence of the last three


Dad always marvels that he used to have a body like me, and will work out with me soon, but never does. He has all this time on his hands with no job and all, but most of his time is spent watching t.v.

I keep scanning around for Heather. Finally I spot that golden hair, beaming in the sunlight. I tell my parents I’ll be right back and walk away and towards Heather’s direction. With each step closer, my heart thunders just as loud as the motorcycle that just went by. I can still feel the vibration inside me. I take a deep breath and recite what I am going to say. Heather you were great up there. I enjoyed listening to you. Heather you’re so beautiful. Well, maybe not the last one, but still.

Just as I make my way closer, Chase cuts in front of me and yells out, “Hey dude, there you are! So you feeling lucky now that we’re out, huh?” He glances over to Heather and then back at me. My heart fluttering problem just went from nervously excited to feeling like I can just about throw up. Chase is muttering something in my ear and I get turned off about talking to her. Maybe now’s not the time to tell her I’ve been drooling over her every motion after she moved in last year. Besides she has Max anyway.

After hearing Chase ramble on about what a great summer we’ll have, I wonder what she’s thinking as all her family crowds around her. She seems happy until her face drops into an anxious look with her eyebrows squeezed together. It isn’t until Max comes walking up to her that I notice the shift in facial expressions is because of him. Or at least I’d like to hope it’s because of him. Right then and there my hope of ever being with her opens like a window. I’m hoping this is my chance to finally crawl through it and make some form of connection with her. Maybe she isn’t as happy with him like everyone thinks. Maybe I have a chance after all.

Neverland
July 17th, 2012, 07:45 PM
hey i just read your piece... i really hope he does actually get to tell her lol! very relateable character which i always find is the biggest battle with storylines, beacause if you cant relate how can they be believable?
The only thing i didnt understand was this,

“Make this summer your best. Make this summer the rest of all the best to come,” she says.

Maybe it was a typo or maybe im just reading it wrong!!??

vintageboombox
August 9th, 2012, 10:53 PM
I'm absolutely dreadful at writing from the male point of view, but you do it perfectly! And the way you do the inner monologue... *lesigh* So good. I loved this piece so far! I want to read more. It's a great beginning.