PDA

View Full Version : Papercut Excerpt (Mild horror and language Still needs work)



Strideeve
March 24th, 2012, 01:32 AM
Hmm.. Well I did my best to add and fix this, and wanted to post my first story on here. I just randomly thought of it once and started writing it down. Yes, i do no there are errors maybe still but i wanted everyone's take on what they think of it. Enjoy~
--

It was dark and bitterly cold in the room I sat in. It was like it was meant to be that way, no heat no air circulation, no nothing. I moved to the corner of the room against the cushioned wall, after seeing outside my window, the clouds were moving faster showing some parts lighter spots in the place in the room I was in. Then the moon showed itself. I got scared and panicked; I was holding onto my knees more and trying to shift my body away from the moon light rays on the floor. But every time I shift my body, so the lights came closer to me. I knew one of the nurses would surely walk in and check up on me. They always did, here at this mental institute. I tried pulling myself together but the moonlight rays started touching my leg then up to my thigh and I started to bit my lip to try holding back the transformation. Raising thoughts went through my head as I tried to hold back the screams of pain and rage I was feeling. “So this is what it feels like to be an addict, I thought as my leg and thigh were shifting more monstrous wolf like creature then a normal girls leg and thigh. The light rays moved upwards on my chest and arms now. After my legs were exposed to the moon and I was at the point I wanted to rip my on flesh off, as the pain moved all over my body like a tidal wave. The pain more unbearable to handle. I was thrusting to hurt something anything or even kill if I had too. Maybe myself I thought and I grunted and moaned in pain. My body changing, bones twisting and shifting making me more monstrous then a teenage girl. I looked up at the moon now full body exposed in the rays of light from it. I started cursing at it and then suddenly I couldn’t talk no more only in the sense of speaking in small barks or even roaring growls. I hit the wall with all my strength and force I had making a huge dent the process. I looked down at my hand after calming down some and wondered. “Why me? Why me of all people. ?” “Why did he fucking chose me to bite and make me this.. This monster!?” I question the though as my human thoughts were fading away and the hunger and animal like characteristic’s were setting it more. I finally closed my eyes and opened re born. I was a monster, no I was this killer, no I was a werewolf.

Outiboros
March 24th, 2012, 04:27 PM
There's much, much room for improvement in sentence structure and punctuation. Also, I'd leave the mental institute part out. It's more harrowing if the patient doesn't know he or she is in an institute, but the reader can distil it through some hints.

I was sort of disappointed when it turned into a werewolf story. I thought the idea of a girl being afraid of moonlight was nice.

bazz cargo
March 24th, 2012, 07:46 PM
(I was sitting in a dark and bitterly cold room)



It was like it was meant to be that way,(?) no heat no air circulation, no nothing.(?)


I moved to the corner of the room against the cushioned wall. (Looking through the window) after seeing outside my window, the clouds were moving(Moved swiftly) faster showing some parts lighter spots in the place in the room I was in. Then the moon showed itself. I got scared and panicked; I was holding onto my knees more and trying to shift my body away from the moon light rays on the floor. But every time I shift my body, so the lights came closer to me. I knew one of the nurses would surely walk in and check up on me. They always did, here at this mental institute. I tried pulling myself together but the moonlight rays started touching my leg then up to my thigh and I started to bit my lip to try holding back the transformation. Raising thoughts went through my head as I tried to hold back the screams of pain and rage I was feeling. “So this is what it feels like to be an addict, I thought as my leg and thigh were shifting more monstrous wolf like creature then a normal girls leg and thigh. The light rays moved upwards on my chest and arms now. After my legs were exposed to the moon and I was at the point I wanted to rip my on flesh off, as the pain moved all over my body like a tidal wave. The pain more unbearable to handle. I was thrusting to hurt something anything or even kill if I had too. Maybe myself I thought and I grunted and moaned in pain. My body changing, bones twisting and shifting making me more monstrous then a teenage girl. I looked up at the moon now full body exposed in the rays of light from it. I started cursing at it and then suddenly I couldn’t talk no more only in the sense of speaking in small barks or even roaring growls. I hit the wall with all my strength and force I had making a huge dent the process. I looked down at my hand after calming down some and wondered. “Why me? Why me of all people. ?” “Why did he fucking chose me to bite and make me this.. This monster!?” I question the though as my human thoughts were fading away and the hunger and animal like characteristic’s were setting it more. I finally closed my eyes and opened re born. I was a monster, no I was this killer, no I was a werewolf.


Hi S. Eve,
Not bad. The grammar is a bit all over the place and your tenses need attention. Some of the sentences are redundant and the punctuation is fair.
Yet the story is solid and grips the attention. My own spag (spelling, punctuation and grammar) is still rudimentary. I would recommend a decent set of skills books.

Well worth persevering with.

Fallow
March 24th, 2012, 08:28 PM
What bazz cargo said. The grammar is lacking, but the character is realistic and the writing, so far, is compelling. :)

Jon M
March 24th, 2012, 11:53 PM
Curious how moonlight can move so quickly up this person. Unless the room is moving, it doesn't make sense.

Also, the narrator is in a mental institute, but he is remarkably lucid and self-aware and this made the story less credible in my opinion.

Outiboros
March 24th, 2012, 11:58 PM
Curious how moonlight can move so quickly up this person. Unless the room is moving, it doesn't make sense.

Also, the narrator is in a mental institute, but he is remarkably lucid and self-aware and this made the story less credible in my opinion.
I believe he is a she.

Strideeve
March 25th, 2012, 03:52 AM
Thank you all for correcting me and giving me your opinions. I really appreciate. Though I am aware this needs to be fixed and stuff. But I just wanted to share my style of writing to you all. I know I suck at writing. To be honnest with having a learning disability as well with problems remembering correct grammar and punctuation its hard for me to write sometimes. So for that I'm sorry. I WILL get better or try too before posting on here. Thank you.

Rabiesprazole
March 29th, 2012, 11:36 AM
Don't know what to say about the grammar and punctuation (it's already been said), I'll keep an eye for this on here though. Like Outiboros said, the idea of a girl being afraid of the moonlight is nice. May even be worth starting a little side fling to explore insanity from an inside perspective.

Strideeve
March 29th, 2012, 02:54 PM
Alright, thank you all for your input and ideas once again. I did however thought about it and might change it up so maybe she is scard of the moonlight and not tuning into anything. Guess my original point never came across to what I truly wanted for this short story.. =/

Rabiesprazole
March 30th, 2012, 09:18 AM
Would you mind if I asked what your original point was? Regardless of what I may think it was I'm interested to see what you intended, any tips while I remember to ask (you seem to have more of an idea about what you're doing)