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View Full Version : Winged Project Chap. 1+2 and Prologue



nathanmb
March 23rd, 2012, 01:12 AM
First of all: I am not that great of a writer. I am only thirteen, basically 14. I really want your feedback on this. And if you think it is bad or something, be sure to tell me, because it will have my try to update it. I got chapter 1 and chapter 2 in it as well as the Prologue. Anyways here it is:


Prologue


“Alright, so what's his name?” Said a man in a lab coat.
“P.O. Project Angel One.” Replied the other.
“Simple. But should we make it more complex? Anyways, should he have a real name? Like mine. Tyler Temple.”
“Look we aren't NASA! We are just a team of scientist with a freak with us!” He screamed. “How about you 'name' him than. We don't got time to name these abominations of humans.”
“Alright. I will tell you later.”
“OK,” Said the man about ready to scream at him. “whatever, just get back to work setting up the de-linker.”
“Okay.”
Tyler spent all day working and thinking. He knew that he was still human, just a freak of nature. He wont be giving up his job just to give this “abomination” freedom that it does not deserve, or at least he thinks doesn't deserve.
“Kyler Veere.”




Two weeks later, the birthday of the “freak”, Tyler went to the cage to see a pale white boy. Only ten years old. He stares at the titanium links making his wings. He comes up to him and instinctively the boy jumps back and spreads his wings slightly in an aggressive manner.
“Calm down. I know you understand me, I'm not stupid. Here.” Tyler takes out a journal, a pencil, and a dictionary. “Here is a journal, it is for writing in with the pencil. Like this.” He demonstrates how to write. “But with words. Here is a sheet as well to sound out how it works.” He takes out a sheet and gives it to the winged human. “You are smart. You will figure it out. And this is a dictionary, it tells you what words mean. And I will give you a name. You know what a name is. Here is yours: Kyler Veere.”
The boy looked on at him. A small tear came out. But than he turned cold again. He puts up his arm and shows streaks of blood on them. Cuts. Tyler stared at them. Than suddenly the boy jumped at the cage and pushed it down onto Tyler who was able to get out of the way. The cage had to be a thousand pounds. Than Kyler kicked the cage back in place. Staring blankly with hate, but some streak of being glad, with Tyler. Tyler could notice it.
-----------------------------------------
Chapter One



So. Sixteen years now. Sixteen years trapped in this old world of pain. Those lucky scientists, they get to leave this empty world, come back, have fun torturing me, and repeat. No more.
I am Kyler Veere. I am sixteen. I am the smartest person alive apparently. How am I though? I read and memorized the entire dictionary based on hearing, sounding out, scrambling, and much more things to find out the entire book. And I know what they are doing too me. I am trapped, they are torturing me. And I will break FREE!
I am told every day: “Freak.” “Abomination.” “Project.” “P.O.” “Angel.” “Demon.” “Idiot.” And they even say: “All wings, no brain.” “50% Human. 50% Retard.” “Looking for pictures in that book of yours?” Well I am none of those, and none of those are true. For sure. No god sent me down to save anyone. I was sent down to be tortured by all of you, not to come down here and be some kind of freaking guardian angel for someone. I am no idiot, I am smarter than all of you. “You think you own me?” I whispered. “Well you don't. And I will prove it sooner or later. No matter what. I will be free from you.”
I take out my journal and start to think of what life here is like.




Journal Entry One.


I've had this for eighteen months now. And now I memorized the dictionary and know how to talk and write. They are fools thinking I don't know much. They obviously don't know much about me. Hah. Twelve and a half years and they still know nothing about me. Real scientists there. Oh wait, they know I got wings.
I don't know why I got wings and none of them do though. It is linked with tiny rings of titanium, apparently it is like chain-mail. It is strong, light, and more mobile than pure metal. But they are so small and numerous. How can I fly with them? I know the dynamics of it all, but how? It doesn't meet up with these requirements on how this “World” works.
I got this sheet of what is called glass behind me. I don't know why I do, but I like the pain of cutting myself with it, it hurts though, but I love it, it makes my life so much less boring!
I want to kill myself at the same time though. I want to live as well! What is this? I am so smart but yet I can't even decide this! Live. Or. Die.
I have been hearing about this “Universe.” and “Earth.” What I think is I live on Earth, the only planet that can support life. And these people walk out into the Universe, do whatever they have to so they can survive, and walk back to torture me.
But now I hear about trees, grass, all that. What are these things? I'm not sure. But OH GOD I want to find out what I don't know about yet. I know what they are in general, but I want to see them, and touch it all!
I was told something though by Tyler. “Four years. Than you will be given a great weight loss program, and you will feel brand new, you will be a new... Kyler... How? A thing called the de-linker. It will help us. Believe me.”
Why do I want to help you? All of you? I WILL NOT HELP ANY OF YOU! I will kill you instead of helping you. I will keep to that promise from now on. I can care less what you think of me. But you better now care what I think of you. Because I know you all. Tyler, treat me well. Because believe me, you will want to sooner or later, because... I. Will. Break. Free.
Hah. I just thought of it: what if someone reads this? They will kill me for sure, at least I won't need to decide anymore. Oh god I feel like an ass thinking like this way, killing you, suicide, being killed, at least I wont decide. Hah. God.
Oh yeah: God. What is he supposed to do to create me? All I am is some “freak” with pale-fleshed skin, dark hair, chain-mail wings, strong, boy. No one is like me. Who would want to create me? Some twisted freak of nature known as a Angel, or what someone gave a clever name of: Dark-Angel. Is there someone like me though? Doubt it. That god must be pretty stupid to try to make someone else similar, if not, exactly like me.
So anyways. So far today, I got a n-




“HEY! HEY GET UP!” Screamed a woman in the white coat. Her name was Serena.
“What do you want now?” I say. But really don't. Just in my mind. So I hide my journal in the back of my cage, got up, and rush at the cages door, grabbed it, pulled it back, than started to bend the bars. God I love scaring them. She jumps back and looks horrified at me. She was pretty young and good-looking. Eighteen. But I don't care for her.
“Freak. Hey, here comes your 'exercise program' at least.” She snickered. She spit at my feet. I flip her off. But I knew what she meant, the de-linker apparently is happening sooner... She stepped towards me with a small knife out. I am ready to grab it to escape today. I don't know what it is. But it is just another torture, but it is special, they were telling me about it for a few years now.
“Hey! Put that knife down!” Screamed Tyler.
I pull my hand out and try to grab for her but never could reach even close to her. She jumps back again and put the knife in and aggressive stance and walked away. Of course she does.
All of a sudden my cage starts shaking and I lift five feet up off the ground. Tyler moves out of the way as my cage starts to move out of the big steel room. I start to kick and punch it all. I turn and see Tyler looking at my journal. I put my hand out like I can get him. I need to think fast. De-linker. What can it be? Link. De. Crap!
It has to be able to break the links of chains on my wings. I got to put them away. They don't know yet, thank god. I know how my entire body works luckily. Thank god I don't have to smell a place that smells like feces and stale urine. But what is this place?
I see something. Light. Is that it? I turn and see something. A clear of what looks like a barrier, leads somewhere else. The Universe? The solar system? No. Its solid! There is a place other than here. Earth! No time to stare or think. Can that barrier be broken? I pick up my piece of glass and it looks the same. Cant think. I hold my hand out as hard as I can. I see buildings out there as well though, can I kill one of them? I hope so. I couldn't hold back my smirk at the thought. Than I throw it.
The glass shatters. Both of them. Into many, many others. I know where to escape now. And now I wait to go into the de-linker. Hell much? I force a smile knowing that soon, I will leave, and to a beautiful place.
--------------------------

Chapter Two


Well... Here it is, I guess. My box stays up. But now I am in a small room with a bed and a needle above it. It is small and also made of titanium, I study it for a second and think of how it works. There is not much else around me. Glass windows, but they look reinforced. To metal rods pointing out slightly from opposite ends of the bed. And than they are able to move vertically. They got some strong leather on each ends of the rods. So I picture it in my head.






I lay down

I get the rods and the strong leather wrapped around my head.

I am put into a position for the needle.

The needle stabs my wings and starts breaking them up.





Why? Why do they want to do this to me? Well who cares. I know how to escape.
First: I heard nothing move since I got in here and my crate stopped. Second: I jump down and roll backwards and get behind the crate. Third: I kick the crate forward and start to run. Fourth: I jump out the window and fly free.
I am ready to go. I breath in and out. I whisper “One... Two... Three...”
“I see him moving his lips!”
“Is he talking?”
“I don't know.”
On seventy-five. “Sixty-one... Sixty-two...”
“Wait. I hear something. Everyone, shut up.”
“Seventy-one...”
“Counting.”
“Seventy-two... Seventy-three... Seventy-four.” I breath in and out.
“Why did h-”
I screamed “Seventy-FIVE!” I jumped forward. I rolled backwards and got up fast. I kicked the cage and it broke off and flew off and make a loud boom. I started running. I saw the girl who wanted to stab me. I jumped at her, pushed her, and grabbed her knife. I ran off right afterwords.
“Kyler!” Screamed someone. Tyler.
I turned and said with no emotion “What?”
“Don't let anyone see your wings. Don't. Or else something terrible will happen.”
I wont I promised myself, he was telling the truth. “Well lets hope death is the one that does if it gets there.” I turn around and my wings spread out I jump on top of it and look down. But no time to be amazed. I jump and soar in this new, and strange world.

Potty
March 23rd, 2012, 01:36 AM
Prologue


“Alright, so what's his name?” Said a man in a lab coat. The tag here is a bit... blunt. I would just change it to "He ask" as you show later that they are scientists. Or better yet use his name, "Asked Tyler"
“P.O. Project Angel One.” Replied the other.
“Simple. But should we make it more complex? Simple? Simple is like... bob, or fred. P.O Project Angel One is a real mouthful. Anyways, should he have a real name? Like mine. Tyler Temple.” Remove the name here, it seems like a very obvious attempt at trying to show the reader the characters name, there are more subtle ways of introducing him. Also it would be highly unlikely that he would repeat his full name like that to someone who probably already knows it.
“Look we aren't NASA! "This isn't NASA" We are just a team of scientists with a freak with us!” He screamed. “How about you 'name' him then. We don't got don't got time? I feel a scientist would be able to speak properly. time to name these abominations of humans.” Bit clunky. "We don't have time to name every abomination we make!"
“Alright. I will tell you later.” Tell him what? The name? so has he decided on it? This seems a bit random.
“OK,” Said the man about ready to scream at him. Who is this man? I'm getting a bit confused which character is which. “whatever, just get back to work setting up the de-linker.”
“Okay.” If I had just been ordered about like that I would probably have a bit more attitude.
Tyler spent all day working and thinking. He knew that he was still human, who are we talking about now? just a freak of nature. He wont be giving up his job just to give this “abomination” freedom that it does not deserve, or at least he thinks doesn't deserve. *Boggle*
“Kyler Veere.” *Boggle*




I'm going to stop there I think, it needs work :) try reading lots of associated fiction to get an idea on how other people get their ideas across. I think you have potential here thought, I'm interested to know what this freak of nature is and what becomes of it!

Keep going! Not bad for someone your age.

nathanmb
March 23rd, 2012, 03:03 AM
Thanks for the feedback. And believe me, I read fiction A LOT. 50 books this school year alone. (Fast reader, hunger games in 3 hours. Got 91 pages in 45 minutes) Also I noticed how I started fast in it. I try to bring some story beforehand, but that would probably bore the reader and there is nothing much else to read with that. Here is revised ending of chapter 2 and prologue:

Prologue


“Alright, so what's his name?” He said
“P.O. Stands for: Project One” Replied the other.
“Simple. But should we make it more complex? Anyways, should he have a real name? Like mine.”
“This isn't NASA Tyler, we don't need complex. But we are just a team of scientist with a freak with us.” He said. “How about you 'name' him than. We don't need to name these abominations of humans. Whats the point? Sooner or later he will die anyways!”
“Alright. I will decide on it later than.” Said Tyler in a low, but calm voice.
“OK,” Said the other about ready to scream at him. “whatever, just get back to work setting up the de-linker.”
“Alright, I will.” His voice getting softer with each word.
“Hurry the hell up than!”
Tyler spent all day working and thinking. He knew that the “freak” was still human, just very different from other humans, even dangerous. He wont be giving up his job just to give this “abomination” freedom that it does not deserve, or at least he thinks doesn't deserve.
Than he remembered his son who died in the womb. His name was going to by Kyle. So he will name his Kyle Veer.




Two weeks later, the birthday of the “freak”, Tyler went to the cage to see a pale white boy. “Only ten years old now.” Says Tyler. He stares at the titanium links making his wings. He comes up to him and instinctively the boy jumps back and spreads his wings slightly in an aggressive manner.
“Calm down. I know you understand me, I'm not stupid. Here.” Tyler takes out a journal, a pencil, and a dictionary. “Here is a journal, it is for writing in with the pencil. Like this.” He demonstrates how to write. “But with words. Here is a sheet as well to sound out how it works.” He takes out a sheet and gives it to the winged human. “You are smart. You will figure it out. And this is a dictionary, it tells you what words mean. And I will give you a name. You know what a name is. Here is yours: Kyler Veere.”
The boy looked on at him. A small tear ran down his cheek, but quickly evaporated. How? But than he turned cold hearted again. He puts up his arm and shows streaks of blood on them. Cuts. Tyler stared at them. Than suddenly the boy jumped at the cage and pushed it down onto Tyler who was able to get out of the way. The cage had to be a thousand pounds. Than Kyler kicked the cage back in place. Staring blankly with hate, but some streak of being glad, with Tyler. Tyler could notice it.
-----------------------------------------

I screamed “Seventy-FIVE!” I jumped forward and hit the ground. It rattles the entire room. I roll backwards and kick up. My feet hit the cage and it goes flying and so do I, but I regain balance and it flew and broke the de-linker with a boom. Thank god! I start to running. I see the girl who wanted to stab me! I jump at her, push her, and grab her knife. I run off right afterwords while putting the knife in a pocket
“Kyler!” Screamed someone. Tyler.
I turned and said with no emotion “What?”
“Don't let anyone see your wings. Don't. Or else something terrible will happen. What? I don't know. But something will happen, from someone.”
I wont I promised myself, he was telling the truth. “Well lets hope death is the one that does if it gets there. But it will come for one of us.”
Tyler turned. I jumped at him and grabbed him and turned him face to face. I am not cold blooded, it is deserved though, they will know what will happen to him, than they will leave me alone!
“I treated you well!” Screamed Tyler
“No, you didn't.”
I tightened my hold on him. He doesn't deserve it as much as everyone else does, but he WILL be the first! I turned to the window. Looked out. And threw him onto the strange land below full of moving humans and fast speeding vehicles. Got to love the dictionary I thought. I jumped on the ledge of the building and with my wings spread out I jumped up and flew at least seventy mph up in the air, all into this strange, new, blue, lively world. Did Tyler deserve to die? Yes, he did. But he didn't as much as everyone else.

Potty
March 23rd, 2012, 03:38 AM
Thanks for the feedback. And believe me, I read fiction A LOT. 50 books this school year alone. (Fast reader, hunger games in 3 hours. Got 91 pages in 45 minutes) Also I noticed how I started fast in it. I try to bring some story beforehand, but that would probably bore the reader and there is nothing much else to read with that. Here is revised ending of chapter 2 and prologue:

Prologue


“Alright, so what's his name?” He said
“P.O. Stands for: Project One” Replied the other.
“Simple. But should we make it more complex? Anyways, should he have a real name? Like mine.”
“This isn't NASA Tyler, Better! Much more natural. we don't need complex. But (Remove 'But' Capital 'We')we are just a team of scientist with a freak with us.” Still reads a little clunky... maybe: We're just a team of scientists in possesion of a freak.He said. “How about you 'name' him than (than - then). We don't need to name these abominations of humans. Bit clunky, think how you would refer to it yourself in his position. If I was prejudice I would say something more like "Do we really need to name it? It's not like it's human." or if I wanted to get a little more harsh "Name it? Next you will want to treat it as an equal!" Whats the point? Sooner or later he will die anyways!”
“Alright. I will decide on it later than (than - then).” Said Tyler in a low, but calm voice.
“OK,” Said the other about ready to scream at him. “whatever, just get back to work setting up the de-linker.”
“Alright, I will.” His voice getting softer with each word.
“Hurry the hell up than (than-then)!”
Tyler spent all day working and thinking maybe add what he was thinking about. "Tyler spent all day working, all the while wondering what name to choose for his creation". He knew that the “freak” was still human, just very different from other humans, even dangerous. He wont be giving up his job (First and second time I read this I thought he meant quit his job. Perhaps a better phrase could be sacrifice his job?) just to give this “abomination” freedom that it does not deserve, or at least he thinks doesn't deserve. (not sure about this line, can't quite put my finger on it but it doesn't sit right)
Than (than-then... but I would just removed the word altogether and capitalize 'He') he remembered his son who died in the womb ('Died at birth' is a more commonly accepted term). His name was going to by (by-be) Kyle. So he will name his Kyle Veer. (Bit clunky, maybe: "Kyle." He muttered under his breath... it seemed perfect.")

This is a much better edit! Reads clearer, I can understand whats going on. The dialogue could use a little work in places. Try to imagine the conversation in your head, how would you speak if you were a scientist. Also, a neat little trick, remeber to condense words like "We are" to "We're" unless it's intentional. It makes for a better flowing convo.

8/10 for improvement!

I will leave the rest up to someone else :) My brain doesn't like to stay in one place for too long!

nathanmb
March 23rd, 2012, 03:42 AM
alright. Thank you very much for the help. Sorry if it seems wrong in some parts. Sometimes I cant get everything together right, partially due to my aspergers and bipolar, but that is just me, this is my first story aside from stories we had for class projects. Also the scientists aren't "evil" or "mischevious" they are just people, but they are doing wrong to Kyle. And throughout the novel they will change, no hints on what way though. ;)

Potty
March 23rd, 2012, 03:50 AM
Don't worry about making mistakes, you should see some of the stuff I've posted up! It's all part of the learning experience. What you are producing is much much much better than what I came up with when I first started out. Keep it up, with practise I might be able to one day say "You know that really famous author? He owes me a favour."

nathanmb
March 23rd, 2012, 04:08 AM
Yeah. I am a realist as well, so I can only hope that will happen. I want to also be a scientist (lol) for NASA. Love learning about space and all that.

nathanmb
March 24th, 2012, 03:05 AM
Well; if anyone else can give me some feedback on improvements or anything, just post on here please. Thank you very much.

-Nathaniel Mathews-Bovee