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lowprofile300
March 21st, 2012, 04:05 AM
I was born oozing poop.
At ten, squat thrust, no change.
Thirty years past, priest asked, “Do you take this woman…?”
Incoming waste: speechless and embarrassed.
Grandpa at seventy, pretty young girl changing my diaper, best one yet.
I take last breathe at ninety, and leave this earth as I lived it, oozing poop.

Potty
March 21st, 2012, 12:37 PM
If this is what I think it is, and I think it is, then this was AWESOME!

Correct me if I'm wrong but this is about the different stages of incontinence in the human life right? IT's a premis that really speaks to me man, I almost shed a tear. Could use a little work to make sure it gets its message across a little clearer.


I was born oozing poop. Love this line :D
At ten, gym class, a squat routine, suitable position. This could be a little clearer "At ten there's no change as I complete a squat thrust."
When I was thirty, the priest asked, “Do you take this woman...?” No control, kamikaze, major embarrassment. Duuuuude he papped himself on his wedding day man! All I would do is change the start to 'At thirty' (Too keep the word count down if that's what you're trying to do) and add the word 'moment' to kamikaze to make it clear whats going on.
Grandpa at sixty…wow… diaper change…on me…not baby. What? I was excited. not sure I like the amount of '...' you've used here. And I would be tempted to make him a little letcherous "Grandpa, sixty. Pretty young girl changing my diaper, best one yet."
Ninety five today, as I take my last breathe…
Lord, please not now! If youre sticking to the humor aspect I would alter this slightly to "Ninety five, I take my last breath... I leave this world as I lived it, oozing poop"

I loved this, nice and short and made me giggle! Best story I've seen here yet imo :D How come you made it so short? It's not a bad thing, just wondered if it was a guideline for a comp or something.

Thank you SO much for sharing this!

lowprofile300
March 21st, 2012, 11:32 PM
Glad you enjoyed it, Potty. Yes, I made it exactly 55 words (my idea of Flash Fiction - humour). This was my second attempt. I actually got the idea on this same website, i was reading someone else's in the General Fiction forum and thought, how about i try one in the Humour forum:biggrin:. Thanks for all the input, i will surely consider it.

Outiboros
March 22nd, 2012, 12:13 AM
I read the first sentence completely wrong.

I pictured it as if the narrator/POV was made of oozing poop. Then I began to wonder how poop could tell me this, and even stranger, how poop would ever get engaged.

Potty
March 22nd, 2012, 12:18 AM
I read the first sentence completely wrong.

I pictured it as if the narrator/POV was made of oozing poop. Then I began to wonder how poop could tell me this, and even stranger, how poop would ever get engaged.

:excitement: This premise rocks even harder!