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RedSky
March 18th, 2012, 08:14 AM
This is just a short rough draft part of a script I am starting, thanks for taking the time to read this.







"The Days Of Lord Straja"
Act 1: Day 1
The Rising Conflict
Andromeda Fortress
War Room


Characters:
Lord Straja
Captain Rowan
Councilman Zelan
Madam Straja




Lord Straja: Brothers, We are gathered here today to speak on the issue of the Leranians

Councilman Zelan: I believe our strength lies in our armies, so we dispatch teams all over the countryside and fight this beast head on.

Captain Rowan: That would be all well, except that it may deeply scare the towns people and I would not want such a burden on these people who are already burdened with enough.

Madam Straja: Husband, Do not stress the issue, I've told you I can hire mercenaries to take care of it, and then you wouldn't need much of any force to clean up the pesky bastards.

Lord Straja: No! I don't want innocent people dying over something that my father has brought upon us.
Ever since that day I've sought to destroy his very flesh and bones.

Madam Straja: Dear do not talk about this right now, we are here to discuss the Leranians, not your father's foolish acts.

Captain Rowan: Give me a small force Lord, and I can sweep the countryside within less than a few days.

Lord Straja: Erm..... Fine, but be quiet about it will you, and promise me you'll come back in one piece.

Councilman Zelan: I will prepare my best men for you Captain.

Councilman Zelan walks out eagerly

Lord Straja: Than it is set, you'll destroy this fiend and warn them not to come back here ever again.

Lord Straja nodded assuringly and walks out with his wife.

Potty
March 18th, 2012, 10:53 AM
"The Days Of Lord Straja"
Act 1: Day 1
The Rising Conflict
Andromeda Fortress
War Room

Characters:
Lord Straja
Captain Rowan
Councilman Zelan
Madam Straja




Lord Straja: Brothers, We are gathered here today sounds like the start to a eulogy, maybe "I've assembled you" to speak on the issue of the Leranians To discuss the Leranian situation. Considering they are going to wipe them out it's probably more than an issue.

Councilman Zelan: I believe our strength lies in our armies, Well its not going to lie in their sewer network. Maybe "Our armies are the finest in the land! Send them in to deal with this blight!" so we dispatch teams all over the countryside and fight this beast head on.

Captain Rowan: That would be all well, except that it may deeply scare the towns people An army captain and I would not want such a burden on these people who are already burdened with enough. OR: "And risk scaring the towns people furthur? They've suffered enough already."

Madam Straja: Husband, Do not stress the issue, I've told you I can hire mercenaries to take care of it, and then you wouldn't need much of any force to clean up the pesky bastards. Are you going for the shock factor of having a racist woman who swears here? If so Pesky bastards doesn't quite do it. Maybe "Those loathesome shits."

Lord Straja: No! I don't want innocent people dying over something that my father has brought upon us.
Ever since that day I've sought to destroy his very flesh and bones. eh? Whose flesh and bones? How is this important at this time?

Madam Straja: Dear do not talk about this right now, See? even she agrees. we are here to discuss the Leranians, not your father's foolish acts. You go girl!

Captain Rowan: Give me a small force Lord, and I can sweep the countryside within less than a few days. Oh send him round my house to clean up here when he's finished wi.... oh you mean sweep the countryside clean of those loathsome sh***y people?

Lord Straja: Erm... is he wondering about the captains desire to grab a brush too? Fine, but be quiet about it quiet? With an army killing and maiming as they please? will you, and promise me you'll come back in one piece. Sounds a bit gay.

Councilman Zelan: I will prepare my best men for you Captain.

Councilman Zelan walks out eagerly

Lord Straja: Then it's set Agreed might work better here, you'll destroy this fiend and warn them not to come back here ever again. What... kill them first then warn them not to come back? If only our governments had thought of this, it could have saved thousands of hours of diplomacy! Oh... wait...

Lord Straja nods assuringly and walks out with Madam Straja.

Hope this helps :) Blue is mistakes/changes. Red is just my opinions

AustinReis
May 1st, 2012, 03:32 AM
This is just a short rough draft part of a script I am starting, thanks for taking the time to read this.







"The Days Of Lord Straja"
Act 1: Day 1
The Rising Conflict
Andromeda Fortress
War Room


Characters:
Lord Straja
Captain Rowan
Councilman Zelan
Madam Straja




Lord Straja: Brothers, We are gathered here today to speak on the issue of the Leranians

Councilman Zelan: I believe our strength lies in our armies, so we dispatch teams all over the countryside and fight this beast head on.

Captain Rowan: That would be all well, except that it may deeply scare the towns people and I would not want such a burden on these people who are already burdened with enough.

Madam Straja: Husband, Do not stress the issue, I've told you I can hire mercenaries to take care of it, and then you wouldn't need much of any force to clean up the pesky bastards.

Lord Straja: No! I don't want innocent people dying over something that my father has brought upon us.
Ever since that day I've sought to destroy his very flesh and bones.

Madam Straja: Dear do not talk about this right now, we are here to discuss the Leranians, not your father's foolish acts.

Captain Rowan: Give me a small force Lord, and I can sweep the countryside within less than a few days.

Lord Straja: Erm..... Fine, but be quiet about it will you, and promise me you'll come back in one piece.

Councilman Zelan: I will prepare my best men for you Captain.

Councilman Zelan walks out eagerly

Lord Straja: Than it is set, you'll destroy this fiend and warn them not to come back here ever again.

Lord Straja nodded assuringly and walks out with his wife.

Ok, first of all, you should probably hint why the Leranians are a problem. Also you start of with him arguing about what to do about them, and the "Queen" says to hire mercenaries. But the "king" doesnt want innocent people to die, so he sends his captain with a force? Well I guess they could count as innocent. You had all this arguing then a very very fast answer. If I was writing it i would have him at the end, "give into" letting his captain take a force.

But other than that, you have a well developing script.