View Full Version : Fog Mountain (Chapter 1) (Caution sexual situation)

March 11th, 2012, 12:18 AM
Hey all, thanks for checking this out. I look forward to your comments and suggestions. I am really excited to share this with you!


Alice took a deep breath of the cleansed autumn air. Fall was her favorite season; it was a cycle that represented life. Death brought precious life and life brought inevitable death. Fall was the breathtaking process of decay towards death. The bright and deep colors fully saturated the crisp leaves. It was a kaleidoscope of warm tones and analogous color harmony. She loved seeing the clouds of breath rise in front of her as she walked down the familiar forest trail behind her house. When Alice was little she would imagine herself as a powerful dragon with smoke billowing from her nostrils, she had such an active imagination as a child. The memory brought forth a cherished moment carefully stored in the recesses of her mind; her little sister Hannah playing mermaid with her in the public pool at the local YMCA. The memory created an all too common constriction in her chest. She had lost her sister five years ago. The years felt like an eternity, the despair and agony of not being able to see her sisterís familiar face or hear her infectious laughter was almost too much to bear. Hannah had gone missing and it rocked everyone to the core. Hannah never had any enemies, she was the sunshine in so many peoplesí lives, and it seemed impossible that anyone would want to harm her. She was so caring and selfless for such a young girl at eighteen.

The trail had run cold before they could even begin searching. Nothing was out of place at her small apartment near the community college. Her car and phone records didnít offer any leads either. It was as if the ground had swallowed her up. Many believed that she must have run away from something, but this was absurd to Alice. Hannah had told her everything about her life, no secrets existed between the two sisters. They loved and cherished each other too much.

Alice had pushed the detective on the case, probably to insanity. She didnít let go until three years later, her soul and physical body were exhausted from the self tormenting tug of war between constant worry and hope. Not ever finding Hannahís body or Hannah herself, she eventually surrendered the illusive string of control over her emotions. She was depressed, hurt, and angry. Why couldnít she have been with her sister more often, protected her from what had taken her? But she knew the answer to this. Her therapist had ingrained the excuse into her head. You canít blame yourself for something out of your control.

Alice wiped away the salty tears that had betrayed her and took another deep breath of the calming air. She knew getting upset about it wouldnít bring her sister back. Alice continued her walk down the trail for another somber fifteen minutes before arriving to her personal sanctuary, a place every girl should have. In front of her was a small pond with a little white gazebo perched on the top of a deck, with an arched white bridge connecting gazebo to land. It was a public place but she never saw anyone else out there, it was forgotten and she preferred it that way. Willow trees were softly caressing the waterís surface as the swans were just entering their sleeping places. Alice walked the short length of the white bridge and entered her temple. In the middle was a large cushioned rocking chair, worn down from harsh winters, and a small end table with an oil lamp. She just sat there for a moment, admiring the world for what it had to offer.

The sun was setting which caused the water in the pond to turn a deep purple that contrasted with the yellow and orange leaves scattered on the ground surrounding it. The sky was ablaze, tangerine and violets took over giving the world a glimpse of heaven. The sunsets in Michigan were truly breathtaking.

After admiring the scene until she felt a sigh of content escape her, Alice opened up the book she brought with her. Another romance. She smiled as she thought about her roommate and best friend Dana teasing her,ĒJust get a man sweetie, and then you wonít have a use for these damned things!Ē

But she did, they were her emergency escape, where she could go on any adventure she chose. Besides, it wasnít like Prince Charmings were populating the earth in abundance.

Alice settled herself into the oversized rocking chair, its cushions lending comfort in the growing cold. It was getting dark but she didnít care. Nothing scared her anymore, not after what happened to her sister. She almost dared for someone to attack her, almost welcomed it, but to Danaís insistence, she carried a knife with her. As the wind gained momentum, Alice zipped her jacket up higher and pulled the hood over her thick golden brown hair. It wasnít late, but the fall brought early nights, six oíclock felt more like nine. The lantern leant a warm glow across the worn pages of her book. As Alice read, her mind left the painful reality of everyday life and wandered into the beckoning web of fantasy.

After reading all she could in the ever growing chill, she turned the lantern off and clicked on her mini keychain flashlight. Jumping off the deck onto the little white bridge, Alice bid goodnight to the sleeping swans and the lazy willow trees, promising herself sheíd come back soon.

Alice walked the worn trail back to her house, admiring the starry sky and full moon. The nightís natural light illuminated the path back to her house in an ethereal haze. Itís effect almost hypnotizing.

The unexpected noise of twigs breaking snapped Alice out of her reverie.

She froze.

Usually things like that wouldnít scare her, she knew it would probably be a rabbit or a deer, but for some reason her senses went on high alert. Her nostrils flared in anticipation and her congested nose miraculously cleared. Her hearing tuned itself towards the source of the disturbing sound and waited. Her heart started to pound to an almost deafening drum. She wondered what the hell was wrong with her.

She turned back and started to walk a little faster.


Alice swung around and pointed the flashlight in the direction of the noise. Her throat went dry as she tried to speak in a confident tone.

ďIs anyone there?Ē She croaked.

The knife Alice carried didnít seem so ridiculous anymore. She pulled it out, telling herself just in case. She started to walk backwards, still facing the general direction of the noise then hesitantly turned away; unfortunately she hadnít gotten far from the pond, her house was still a ways away.

Then she heard howling.

Fear coursed through her veins as she started to run. The book and flashlight slid out of her clammy hands and she didnít dare stop to retrieve them. Panting breaths echoed from behind her. It was coming for her. Looking around wildly for an escape, she veered off the trail into the protective maze of the trees. She stopped behind the largest one she could find and slid down the trunk resting her back against it. While she caught her breath, she tried to stop the beating of her heart, fearing it would betray her and lead the beast right to her hiding place. It felt like an eternity passed before she chanced a look.
Silently, Alice turned so she was facing the tree and raised herself to a kneeling position. Slowly she angled her head to catch a glimpse of what lay beyond.

Alice couldnít believe what was before her. A beast standing on two feet, or better yet, paws. Its stance almost awkward because the two legs holding the massive creature in an upright position were the hind legs of a wolf. It stood at seven feet, easily. The fur that covered its body was sleek silver that shimmered with life against the moonís glow. It had the head of a wolf but it was slightly out of proportion, the snout was stuck in a gruesome snarl and the larger than life fangs stuck out in an under bite. The eyes were a piercing pale grey. The ears were large and upright, the torso and arms resembled that of a muscular man, all parts covered with the silver fur. It was wearing some sort of stretched shorts that covered the private areas.

Her books were wrong. They donít simply just shift into an anatomically correct wolf form. She shocked herself with her thoughts. She was able to waste time marveling at the creature before her and critique the books she read for their accuracy while she should be fearful for her life. Thatís when she noticed the beast turn towards her. She sucked in a tight breath. Oh no, if her books werenít right about the appearance, then they couldnít be right about them being able to smell fear, could they?

Suddenly, the wolf began to morph back into human form. The air crackled around the beast and there was a bright white light projected from the eyes in a strong current, its mouth opened in an expressive O and light flew outwards from there as well. Before her mind could comprehend what was going on, the change was over. In the place where an intimidating werewolf once stood was a man. The most handsome man Alice had ever seen. His hair was wavy, long, white, and wildly whipping around his strong beautiful face. She cursed the night wind for temporarily tampering with her view. His eyes were still the beautiful pale grey. In his human form he stood six feet and some odd inches tall, and he wore the same stretch shorts he had in wolf form. His skin was pale but flawless, smooth and tight over the large muscles underneath. He was walking sex.

Alice felt heat pooling in her stomach and traveling dangerously lower. It had been a long time since Alice had been with someone, so to make her aroused proved to be an easy feat, especially with Adonis standing right in front of her. Her shirt and jacket started to feel like unbearable constraints against her swelling breasts, her nipples were hardening and became sensitive to the fabric pressing against them. Cursing the layers she had on, she took off the jacket as quietly as she could. The cold air caused her breasts to ache to be touched even more. She rubbed them slightly, trying to alleviate the sweet pain. She let a small groan escape her mouth and immediately regretted it.

She heard a low growl in response from the man in front of her.


March 11th, 2012, 03:04 AM
I must say, I have no idea what to expect! I was engrossed and would have continued right into the next chapter, if it was provided.

The first thing that jumped-out at me was: "Her soul and physical body were exhausted from the self tormenting tug of war between constant worry and hope." I'm guessing that Worry and Hope could be one and the same...It's just that one is the negative aspect, and the other is the positive aspect.

The second thing that jumped-out at me was the Werewolf. (pun intended) I was Hoping that Alice found the man of her dreams, but after the "low growl" I'm Worried about her.

We'll just have to wait till Ch 2.

March 11th, 2012, 06:02 AM
Thank you Limburglar! I'm glad it sucked you in and I promise to post chapter two as soon as I'm finished.

I sort of questioned that sentence as well, wondering if it was too complicated, but you pretty much got the idea of what I was trying to say. :)

March 12th, 2012, 05:15 AM
Hello SamanthaMarie,

This type of story is not my normal cup of tea, so to speak, but my curiosity drove me to read.

I'll be brief - I hate gratuitous sex in a book and especially in the first few pages. I could be wrong, but it SEEMS you have written this entire thing just to get to the sex part. So, just to keep the critique in the same vein you wrote, I think you could use more foreplay, you know? Maybe even chapters of it. Let the darn thing build to a climax, otherwise you could have a one chapter book.

I am NOT trying to be rude or discouraging, I just think you need to do some more work on this to delay and develop the relationship between the characters. Work I think you are well able to do.

Best regards


March 13th, 2012, 12:17 AM
I probably should post the second chapter soon. I agree with you, sex within the first couple of pages is a little much. These characters are not going to do what I think you assumed would happen. I know it seems like it would most likely lead to the...inevitable, but I was trying to show raw carnal desire. I hope you will stay tuned for chapter two.

March 13th, 2012, 01:06 AM
OK. But, I still think you should tone down the raw carnal desire. Not that I am a prude or anything like that. I just happen to think that your story would benefit from a little more mystery and conflict. Some internal conflict, along with a flight for her life (which you started to give us) and barely escaping and then maybe some internal reflection and the weird, and alien (to Alice) desire to get to know her pursuer. C'mon, work at this! Properly done, you could stretch this out into a decent novel length work. Just be prepared for the Twilight comparisons. If you haven't read those, do so, and then work to avoid all the mistakes and cheesiness that author gave us.

Good luck!


March 13th, 2012, 06:50 PM
Thank you for the advice. I'll work on it and post it with chapter two. I'd really like you to go over my revised edition. And yes, I'm well aware of cheesiness and I will try my best to avoid it, but I can't make any promises. LOL

March 13th, 2012, 11:19 PM
You are very welcome for the advise, but please be aware that I am no guru or expert on these things. I read your work primarily from a reader's eye and not from a critiquer's eye, if you know what I mean. So don't take everything I say as gospel. On the other hand, I genuinely hope I have helped you and I do hope for your success!

And, yes, I will read your revisions and chapter two.

Best regards