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View Full Version : Excerpt From My First Book "Mad World"



tputnik
March 10th, 2012, 08:56 PM
There is an intro chapter but I will not include it in this post because it needs a lot of editing. I will provide a brief summary of the contents of it though.

5 people wake up in a cellar that's sealed from the inside.
They don't know who or were they are or how they got there.
They decide to give themselves names based on their unique characteristics.

The Characters are,

Babydoll - A petite blond with a soft voice.
Tex - A southern man who doesn't let his emotions show.
Webster - A smart but weak man with a robust vocabulary.
Sparrow - An elderly yet stoic Native American with a sparrow tattoo on his wrist.
Scar - You're everyday average guy. Has a small scar next to his left eye

Each Chapter (minus the intro) follows one of the five characters. The sub chapter marks are simply for my references when writing. I have a small child so I can only write a little at a time. Anyways, without further delay, I present to you part of Chapter 1 of Mad World


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Pulling of StringsScar




1


The pain exploded in his head like a shotgun blast dulling his vision. Scar dropped to his knees screaming, his hands instinctively shooting up to hold the sides of his head. He was vaguely aware of the others around him who were doing the same and howling from what he could only assume was the same type of pain that was coursing through his mind. His brain felt as if it was growing too big for his skull. There was a pressure behind his eyes and he started to feel as though they might explode. Then, as though someone had simply flipped a switch, the pain disappeared as quickly as it had come. His vision began to return to normal and he noticed the others seemed to be coming around themselves. Babydoll sat in the far corner of the square room, a steady stream of tears flowing across the delicate skin of her face. He walked over to her and offered his hand in an attempt to help her to her feet. She waited a moment as if deciding whether to accept his help before reaching out and wrapping the fingers of her delicate hand around his. With a small tug she rose to her feet, wiping the tears from her face. She didn't say anything, only offering a small nod of appreciation. Scar turned around to see Tex and Webster helping Sparrow to his feet. He could tell by looking at the old man that the recent episode had taken a heavier toll on him than the others, though he doubted Sparrow would admit it. Scar dusted himself off and took a better look at their little prison. The room was fairly dark but he could make out the stairs pretty easily. They were made out of an old wood and led up to a cellar door that was sealed for the inside with a heavy looking chain and a padlock. This instantly struck him as odd. He thought to himself why it would be locked from the inside and as he did he felt a chill run its way up his back. In the distance he thought he could hear a soft chuckle though he wasn’t sure he heard it more as... “thought it”. The others didn’t seem to notice it but he was sure he heard it.




2




It felt like hours since Scar and the others had awoken but in a place like this mere minutes could seem like days. The light that had earlier been flowing through the dusty window was beginning to fade. Every second slightly drained the room of it’s visibility and soon there would be nothing but the group and the emptiness of the dark. The thought of the dark seemed to be causing a sense of dread to sweep over the group. The only thing worse than being trapped in a small, cramped room was being trapped in a dark, small, cramped room. Scar studied the group trying to size up their fear against his own. Babydoll seemed to be in the most distress. Her cheeks were covered in the wet lines of trailing tears. She sat in the far corner away from the group opposite of the stairs rocking back and forth. Scar considered staying close to her during the night and not just for comfort. A beautiful woman locked in a room with four men could turn into a nasty situation and he was damned if anyone were going to lay a finger on her. Tex was leaning against the wall to the left of the stairs, his arms crossed and his face stern. Out of the group he seemed the least concerned, even less so than Scar. Webster and Sparrow both sat directly in front of Tex on the stairs. Webster seemed to be on the brink of a panic attack. His face was pale and he looked as though all the blood had run from his body. His hands were shaking uncontrollably and his stare was oddly blank. Scar felt bad for the guy but didn’t intend to be a pillar of comfort for him. Sparrow on the other hand seemed completely calm. His breathing was smooth and he seemed to be in an almost meditative state. If it weren’t for the position he was sitting in, Scar could easily had mistaken him as asleep. Scar lifted himself off the ground and slowly approached Babydoll. She must have been lost in her own thoughts because she was startled when he plopped down next to her. Their eyes met for a brief moment before anything could even be said and in that instant he knew she wanted him there next to her. Scar reached his arm around her and pulled her close as the last of the light faded to nothingness.




3




The night passed without incident and Scar awoke with Babydoll huddled against his shoulder. The feeling of her body pressed against his far from bothered him and she seemed comfortable enough. The early morning light streamed in through the window once again illuminating the room. He peered around the room and noticed that the others were still asleep. A grumble ran its way through his stomach and he felt tired. He hadn’t thought of food in all the confusion the night before and now wondered how long it had been since he had eaten. How many days had his stomach sat empty? He couldn’t tell but the hunger felt like it was beginning to overwhelm him and worse, he began to feel an unsatisfied thirst. He began to wish that he hadn’t woken so soon. At least in sleep he couldn’t feel the pains of hunger and thirst. Babydoll began to stir and as Scar turned his attention to her, her eyes opened and, in a tired daze, locked with his. She offered him a weak smile and he returned the favor. Scar stood up, stretched, and offered her his hand. She took it and he pulled her to her feet. They dusted themselves off and turned their attention to the others who were all beginning to stir and wake.

SamanthaMarie
March 11th, 2012, 12:25 AM
Oooh, this definitely left me wanting more. I really like your writing style. Smooth and informative. An enjoyable read! Can't wait for more.

entts
March 11th, 2012, 12:49 AM
Really nice i also would love to see more.

patskywriter
March 11th, 2012, 01:10 AM
No dialogue? This seems to read like an abstract or summary … The premise is pretty good, though.

Olly Buckle
March 12th, 2012, 01:19 AM
he noticed the others seemed to be coming around themselves. Odd phrasing "The others alsoseemed tobe returning to their normal selves" maybe?


This instantly struck him as odd. He thought to himself why it would be locked from the inside and as he did he felt a chill run its way up his back Thinkout the idea first a bit more, this sounds awkward, I might alter the sequence: "A chill ran up his back as he considered the significance of the lock being inside.

abuistrago
March 21st, 2012, 03:26 AM
I liked it!! Definitely left me wanting more, but where's the dialogue? I can't imagine 5 people stuck in a room and not talking... It left me with the feeling I'm missing out on something...

Loved your writing. Simple, to the point and no gramatical or spelling mistakes as far as I'm concerned...

Wilson Edward Burroughs
March 28th, 2012, 05:19 AM
I feel as if the characters are fated to have little, or no, depth. Your descriptions of each didn't provide much in the way of personality and I'm left wondering if they are all merely what they seem to be, blindingly stereotypical clichés.