PDA

View Full Version : Saurosapients - Chapter One, Scene One



Druidus-Logos
March 10th, 2012, 04:03 PM
I'm not very good at this writing stuff yet; because for a decade I've just played around with ideas, plots, and maps instead of actually writing. But since I'm taking a break from my studies in neuroscience, I thought I might as well write, I've got three solid novel ideas to flesh out. I know there's no real dialogue in this, but the next two scenes in the chapter DO make up for it. I've probably made a million mistakes... I haven't finished editing and revising this scene yet, but I would like some feedback. I first attempted this novel and this very scene when I was thirteen. I wouldn't actually be writing it, but my preferred idea is far too long and complex for my skills as a writer at this point. So I'm putting that off till next time


The Matriarch of the Blood Feathers had already called out for the Clan to come together. It was time for the Hunt, and for the rewards it would inevitably bring. Feringal, Vorda, and Deridge, experienced hunters, were called to task on this day. They would take the responsibility of supplying food for the entire Clan, with some help from the more novice hunters. But Madeyes, the youngest of the Matriarch’s sons, was not yet old enough to participate in the Hunt, he was a juvenile. Still, his time was fast approaching, and he knew that it was important for him to watch the Hunt, and learn the strategies and skills required for such an endeavour.

He watched as the three Elder hunters, with a novice each, came into the ritual area. The Elders looked awesome; striking in their variously coloured plumage, gleaming in the sunlight shining directly upon them in the clearing. Vorda, Madyes’ uncle, had requested Narantys for his partner. This came as no surprise to Madyes, Vorda had always favoured Narantys, of the novices, despite Narantys’ distinct lack of sociability. Yesterday, Narantys had followed Madyes to his most privately held location, where the young raptor went to think and plan. Narantys had attacked him, claws sheathed, of course, in a bid to once more prove Madyes’ weakness and unsuitability for the Hunt. Madyes continued to watch as Narantys preened his brown, red, and black feathers before the Elders in a clear demonstration of pride.

He thought to himself, disgustedly, wondering why Narantys, a novice no older than himself, should be chosen for so honourable a task as to assist on a Hunt. Regardless, maybe he’d be chosen next time. He would eventually prove his worth, when an Elder finally chose him. He knew he was small, for his age, but he was extremely clever, everyone in the Clan told him so. Too clever, according to some. His thoughts turned toward his favourite spot, and the beautiful rocks that he collected there.

Squirming with displeasure and restlessness, Madyes decided that he would spend his time better by slipping off to this spot, to be alone. He left quietly, so as to avoid notice, and darted off through the forest surrounding the Clan’s home. There was green everywhere, and even brighter colours for the flowers that now grew here; life had never seemed more abundant and rich.

As he bounded out of the thick forest and onto a path the Clan often took, he noticed a rock. A special rock, Madyes knew, the kind he’d long been collecting. He wondered, briefly, how he had missed this find before; with the many times he’d trekked along the path with others in the Clan. Mentally shrugging, he picked up the large rock, grasping it tightly in his hands, and continued on his way.

After following the path for some time, Madyes turned and went back into more forest. Just ahead was his clearing. His place. And he would be content there, for a while. He stepped through the dense low vegetation and into the clearing proper.

The first thing to hit his eyes was the brilliantly shining and colourful rock that he had previously placed upon a tree stump for safekeeping. The clearing was perhaps 14 metres in diameter, surrounded by thick plant life. Other than his favourite rock, there were many others littering the ground. Madyes liked to experiment with rocks, and save them for his future enjoyment. For that matter, there were other experiments he enjoyed, with flowers, ferns, and bones all gathered here as well.

Madyes continued into the clearing, almost to the central stump, before finally dropping the new rock to the ground. He had the feeling that this large rock was one of the ones with colourful crystal on the inside, much like his others of the kind. A small trilling noise, likely from a bird, came from beyond the clearing. Madyes picked up his favourite stone, which he’d long since found to be stronger than other types, and crouched next to the new rock. He began to bash the new rock with the colourful old one. Shortly, the new stone exploded violently into several large shards and some smaller debris. The largest shard came straight at Madyes, and sliced into his chest painfully.

The troodontid jumped forward in alarm, almost panicking. He’d been neglecting to watch his surroundings well enough, and an enemy must have appeared and attacked him from behind. But, no, when Madyes looked around, there was no life anywhere, save himself and the plants. He resolved to keep a closer eye on his environment, and then examined the rock shards more closely. They were not what he’d expected. There was no crystalline beauty inside the stone, only dark grey like the outside. But interestingly, on one of the shards, Madyes found red. It was his own blood, he could tell by the smell.

The saurian thought carefully about this new discovery. The rock was still the same, just in pieces. Yet the pieces were sharp; not as sharp as his serrated toe-claws on each foot, but sharp enough to cut. So, Madyes realized, he was capable of turning these rocks into claws, at least the dark grey ones like this. Not that he could think of a reason or purpose to use it for; he had no plans for making new claws, except, in the course of his future experiments.

He grabbed the rock that had cut him, and scratched at the tree stumps side with it. Madyes was very pleased to see that it left a permanent marking on the surface. He’d have to experiment with it more, to see what other intriguing things could be done. With one last insightful gaze cast upon the blood-stained shard-claw, Madyes decided that it was getting far too late. Hesitantly, he got up from his crouch and turned to head toward home. He decided to take a faster route back, by the waterfall and cliff instead of the forest path. With any luck, he’d be on time for the rewards of the Hunt, and no one would have to know that he’d absconded from his task of observation. By the look of the sky, it’d have to be quite a measure of luck, though; it was nearing dusk, and darkening rapidly.

Would you finish reading the chapter? It really does get more exciting, lol.

Outiboros
March 10th, 2012, 08:38 PM
Yeah, I'd finish it.

I do also have some criticism:

You misspelled the name of your protagonist either the very first time you mentioned him or every succeeding time. Is he Madyes or Madeyes?
Also, if I were you, I'd start with a more visual depiction of the scene before feeding information about names and clan structure, and I'd replace the 'mental shrugging' with a creative replacement, the way you'd think a troodontid would 'shrug'.

And are you sure you want to call him a troodontid? Zooarchaeology is barely hard science.('whoops, they don't have feathers after all, sorry, scientific community')
Also, if you follow his mind, his thoughts, he would never know he's a troodontid himself.

Druidus-Logos
March 10th, 2012, 10:54 PM
Yeah, I'd finish it.

Thanks.


I do also have some criticism:

Thanks, again.


You misspelled the name of your protagonist either the very first time you mentioned him or every succeeding time. Is he Madyes or Madeyes?

Yeah, I noticed that but I'd already posted my scene by then.


Also, if I were you, I'd start with a more visual depiction of the scene before feeding information about names and clan structure,

Good point. I should practice developing that now, it's not going to get easier.


and I'd replace the 'mental shrugging' with a creative replacement, the way you'd think a troodontid would 'shrug'.

Yeah, I know, that's a weak part phrase. It's just that I don't know exactly how a troodontid would shrug. I'll probably choose something to do with a specific ruffling of feathers or a vocalization.


And are you sure you want to call him a troodontid? Zooarchaeology is barely hard science.('whoops, they don't have feathers after all, sorry, scientific community')
Also, if you follow his mind, his thoughts, he would never know he's a troodontid himself.

AFAIK, troodon had feathers. I was under the impression that all therapods (even T.Rex) were feathered, though some more then others, and all for varying reasons. They did have the highest BtB ratios. I suppose you're right about him not knowing troodontid, but it's difficult to find replacements. I suppose he'd call himself some other word they'd have passed down, and I'll have to implement it in the story early so it's understood.



Thanks a lot for the reply, I really do appreciate it.

Outiboros
March 10th, 2012, 11:26 PM
You could just go with 'raptor', even though it's not taxonomically accurate for a troodontid. It's a bit more general, like we say Human and not Homo Sapiens.

jazzkeys
March 13th, 2012, 03:16 AM
I might finish the chapter, but I'd be much more interested if there were initially less names and more pretty pictures. The number of names, characters, and nouns start to bog down my mind, as you've got around five characters, a Clan, a Hunt, and Matriarch of the Blood Feathers all introduced in one short paragraph.

I agree with Outi that the characters would not know that they are troodontids. I mean, most humans don't even know what a troodontid is.

Another small thing I noticed was the placement of commas in regard to sentence structure. A whole lot of the sentences sound like:

X, he knew, Y.

X, of course, Y.

X, likely from a bird, Y.

Get my drift ? ;) I personally would like to see some shorter sentences with less clutter of commas.

It's not bad, though - I certainly think the storyline is interesting. I've got no clue where you are going with it, at this point, but there is certainly a lot of room for you to invent and create. Hope this comment helped a little.