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Butch
March 2nd, 2012, 12:35 PM
My night started like any other; Simple, ordinary and fun. I’d decided to go into town with a few friends, hit the clubs and the women, get drunk and have a good time. If I was to tell you now that something bad was to occur on my little outing, I guess ideas would run through your mind. Let me tell you, if any of you deduce the correct misfortune in which I endured, I’d be more than a little surprised. This wasn’t some drunken bar fight, or an ill-timed mugging, this was something far worse. The events I’m about to reveal are true of nature, down to my last word. For those of you that struggle to grapple with such things can continue to read on and I hope afterwards you no longer remain sceptical. I encountered something evil and I survived to tell the world. Let me start from the beginning.

I’m sure you’re all wondering my name, so first things first. Let’s you and I become acquainted. My name is Jacob Lynch. I’m about five foot eleven, muscular in all the right places, slim to an acceptable extent and without being too modest, I’m a catch with the ladies. I have fair, blonde hair, short and messy and dark stubble that always seems to get the girls going. My eyes are blue, intense and sharp, like a clear winter’s sky. I like to think I own a tasteful style, slim fitted shirts that show off my toned physique, with navy blue jeans and fashionable pumps to weigh up my breath taking appearance. Anyway, enough about me, let’s move on.
I ventured to town with three other friends, a girl and two lads. The two lads were very close friends of mine, Mike and James and the girl was a friend of Mike’s who I’m sure I’d shown the ropes to once or twice, if you catch my drift. Please don’t get me wrong, I was a woman’s man, I’d been around plenty, that didn’t make me an arsehole, I hope, I just knew how to have fun and who could pick fault with that? Ah Naomi, yeah, I think that was her name.
We were currently standing in a club called HipHuggers. Your eyebrows might have furrowed slightly there, I know mine did as we came across the sign and Mike suggested we should take a look inside. Though, please don’t let the name throw you off, because the interior of the club was very professional and pleasing. Colourful, strobe-like lights illuminated the spacious room and although it was crowded, the large room was more than accommodating for a few more drunken bodies. The dance floor was shiny and gleamed with the effect of cleanliness and purity; it was always nice to know that a place looked after itself. It always seemed to turn my stomach when I found myself in a rundown, unsightly mess of a place. I didn’t seem to want to force my remarkable pumps to have to make contact with the floor. Here, at least, I didn’t have a problem rubbing up to the drunken girls as they danced and swayed on the dance floor. My pumps seemed to enjoy it too.
“Where shall we go after this?” James asked me, his voice hard to hear over the blaring music and slur of alcohol.
“Her bed” I said, winking to the girl who currently stood with me. She shook her hips in small, mesmerising bobs and I found that my eyes were glued to her bare stomach. She was slim and curvy and her skin looked soft and warm and just to verify my sight I placed both of my hands on her waist and they confirmed her supple touch. She welcomed the touch of my curious hands and in turn she placed her arms over my shoulders, interlocking her fingers at the base of my skull. We swayed together; I grabbed a sneaky feel of her backside to the smirk of James as he swayed forlornly beside us. Then, because I can, I kissed her, whispered goodbye in a seductive and ultimately dismissive manner and walked nonchalantly to the clubs exit. James followed after signalling to Mike and his friend Naomi.

We met the cold night air to a scene of chaos and confusion. A few yards away a basket used for the purpose of discarding rubbish and waste had been set alight and a small fire raged within its metal interior. People were rushing and barging around, trying to leave and escape and my eyes swept the immediate area in order to uncover why. Up the way, beyond the mass of frantic bodies I saw the bright yellow uniform of firemen. Without my conscious approval I found that I had begun to walk towards the firemen and the closer I ventured I began to realise they were surrounding something, blocking it in. One fireman held an axe firmly above his head. He was shouting and cursing. Then to my permissible horror, I realised what the small mass amidst the crazed human circle actually was. A girl; a small, underage girl in high heels and a skirt, probably out for the first time, having fun with her friends. Now she was the prisoner of a wild and seemingly unhinged group of firemen.
“Whoa, what the fuck are you doing!?” I shouted with genuine concern. My own wellbeing forgotten I raced towards the man with the axe. Two other men turned and grabbed me. They held me back, one man to each arm.
“You don’t want to do that!” one of them advised and as he said it my eyes were met with the truth. Something subtle that I couldn’t have noticed from where I was stood. These men were not crazed, contrary to that; it seemed it was the girl who had spilt her marbles. She was flailing around on the floor, her face buried to the ground. Her legs, smudged with dirt and mud to the point of her filthy boots; her dress, probably new at the beginning of the night was now torn and ripped.
“What’s happening here?” I asked in bewilderment. I could sense the confusion radiating from my friends that watched awe-stricken behind me.
“We don’t know, three of them so far, gone crazy, started attacking people. They’re strong too” one of them turned to tell me as the girl in the centre of their makeshift circle lunged at him. It took three of them to claw her off of him and throw her to the ground.

“Try that again, come on, try it again!” the fireman shouted, waving his axe with a creeping hysteria. It was then that I glimpsed her face. The skin about her eyes had turned purple and dark. Like in my best guess one of these firemen had given her a good seeing to. Her eyes themselves were cruel and dark and from the lonesome fire of one of the many raging around us, they almost appeared black from its glare. Her teeth were sharp, almost inhuman, more canine and reptilian than that of human beings. Her skin was pale and clammy and white to the point of death. These were only the subtle differences I had noticed. There were more worrying symptoms and more unusual behavioural mannerisms at play.
I noticed how her wrists were bent and stiff and her fingers were clasped and rigid. Her nails were sharp and had obtained a yellow hue underneath their crooked appearance. When she stood, one foot was bent to the side and she appeared the walk upon the ball of her ankle. When silence stirred for moments at a time you could hear the click of bone, like she was a corpse arisen from her grave.
“What’s your name girl?” one of the men asked her.
Her head snapped towards him, dark hair hanging over her face. One eye was obscured by the tangle of her dirt-clotted hair yet the other pierced through the loose strands and fell upon him. It sent shivers through my spine.

“My name is Legion, for we are many” she said. Involuntarily I took a single step rearward. The voice was no innocent tone of a young girl. It did not belong to her. It was a deep and rasping voice, contorted as it were, to form a simple sentence. It was gruff and gravelly and hideous. Yet it was not the voice that caused me to stumble backwards, but the sentence that met my highly tuned ears. That was a line from the bible. When Jesus healed a manic who ranted and raved like an animal and cut himself with stones. A sense of self-mutilation I saw present upon this girl. When Jesus asked ‘Who are you?’ the man replied ‘I am Legion, for we are many’.
Yet it was not the man who answered Jesus, just like it was not the girl who answered us. It was the demons that were inside him and it was the demons inside of her. Just then, she screamed an unearthly keen that rose from her chest and fell from her mouth. She offered a throaty snigger and shifted unsteadily upon her broken ankle.
“All of you will burn!” it said, the voice mangled and distorted.

“Kill her!” I hollered in desperation. One of the men heeded my command and flung himself at her, axe poised above his head. She turned, faster than would have been considered normal and lunged at him, small, girl-like hands feeling for his head as she snapped it sideways in one cruel movement. Then she twisted it and you could hear the grind of bone as it broke apart and the slice of skin where she forced the head from his shoulders. She looked up, grinning madly and then stooped down to lick the blood from the ground.
I had seen enough. I turned and ran with the echoes of footfalls of those that followed. As I rounded the corner I allowed myself a single glance behind. The street was now empty, the creature was gone.

Outiboros
March 2nd, 2012, 04:30 PM
Hm, definitely very direct - directed to the reader, I mean.

I'd say it's well-written, but perhaps a little unnecessarily heavy. 'a basket used for the purpose of discarding rubbish and waste' could be a 'garbage bin' without any loss. The writing style seems more befitting a gentleman, a knight, an aged librarian, and not so some... What do you call them? Jocks?
There might of course be more to him, and he may have both brawn ánd brains. You know him better than I do.
Overall I like it. At first I thought pointing out the Bible quote was a bit redundant, but it's a nice bridge to the realisation that the girl is in fact possessed.

Wait, in the end, where have the other firemen gone?

Oh yeah, some minor grammar mistakes.
'Something subtle that I couldn’t have noticed from where I -was stood-.' Probably to 'had been standing'.

Butch
March 2nd, 2012, 05:32 PM
Outiboros- Thank you for taking the time to read my work. I'm always looking for ways to improve and i welcome any comments and criticism others may have. You're right in assuming the main character has both 'brawn and brains'. There is more to him than just a simple jock exterior. The more i write the more i think that will become apparent. I agree with you, that in places it reads a little to heavy, i will work on this. I've also changed those mistakes you mentioned.

Also, just to clarify, the firemen fled at the end. I could have made that more obvious however. Thanks again, Butch.

Cefor
March 2nd, 2012, 09:23 PM
Hey there, Butch,

Was it your particular intention to have the POV character disliked? Because, without being too harsh, he seems like a tool. I think that the only way to have this character successful would be to have some kind of incident where the reader sees the truer self of this guy, cause you mention that there's more to him than his simple 'jock' exterior. I'm also wondering whether you've set this in America or in England, cause we tend not to say jock over here...

There are a few things that I think I'll try and help with, first of all, the way you're addressing the reader. I think that perhaps instead of just talking to the audience, you instead have another character, that you don't have to actually refer to specifically, to whom your main character is speaking. For example, you could make it a police interview or a media interview, or perhaps your character is writing in his diary because he dare not speak of the demon to anyone else... etcetera.
Having a more story-driven reason for your main character's form of narration will make the story as a whole improve.

I kind of have to agree with Outiboros, the description can get a little too heavy at times, and that's distracting. Why not just say 'a bin was on fire'? Or, garbage bin... I'm confused as to your setting, again, due to your fire fighters' uniform.

Why were the police not called when people started going crazy and attacking people? Kind of against the grain that only firemen were there to calm this girl down. For that matter, the ambulance service should probably be there too...

"but the sentence that met my highly tuned ears." - does recognising a bible reference that obvious require highly tuned ears? When I first read that section, I thought that you were going to out the character as some kind of wizard who could detect the demonic super-tones which the voice emitted.

"'Kill her!' I hollered in desperation." - here, I would direct you to a quote often spoken in writing circles: Show, don't tell. Don't make the main character actually say to the reader '...in desperation', you need to show us through his actions, his words, that he was feeling desperation. It will make your writing feel real, visceral and engaging - which, ultimately, is what you want from fiction.

If you were to continue this, I would recommend showing us exactly why the character survived an encounter with a demon who could easily have killed him, what happened to his friends, what is his reaction to realising demons are real? At least, these are some questions to work from.

Oh, and '?!' is usually considered incorrect, it's either a question, or an exclamation... if you want a question to be shouted, either use words which make that plain, or say 'he shouted' instead of 'said'.

Good luck with your writing :)

Outiboros
March 2nd, 2012, 09:34 PM
Oh, and '?!' is usually considered incorrect, it's either a question, or an exclamation... if you want a question to be shouted, either use words which make that plain, or say 'he shouted' instead of 'said'.[/COLOR]Is this really 'not done'? If so, I'd have to adjust my writing, and on more than just one spot.
Wait, if you'd write 'he shouted' without it being a question, you'd still use a '!', wouldn't you? So if he'd shout a question, wouldn't '?!' be logical?
Wikipedia (I know, I know) apparently has an article on it - or something similar, at least: Interrobang - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Interrobang)

Cefor
March 2nd, 2012, 09:44 PM
Is this really 'not done'? If so, I'd have to adjust my writing, and on more than just one spot.
Wait, if you'd write 'he shouted' without it being a question, you'd still use a '!', wouldn't you? So if he'd shout a question, wouldn't '?!' be logical?
Wikipedia (I know, I know) apparently has an article on it - or something similar, at least: Interrobang - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Interrobang)

Yeah, it's honestly 'not done', in certain circles you'd receive a nice flogging for your troubles, too.

What I mean is that if I said:

"Oi, mate, come here!"

It's clearly a shout, yes? But if I said:

"Hey, mate, come here for a second?"

There's ambiguity over whether I am speaking or shouting, but if I were to say that my friend was on the other side of the street, I'd have to shout... so I would say:

"Hey, mate, come here for a second?" I shouted. (Yeah, it's awkward but it gets my point across, haha)

The interrobang, as far as I am aware, is not considered good grammar by everyone - and also, who knows how to actually use the interrobang on a PC? I sure don't know the alt code for it... either way, using a '?' and '!' next to each other is not the same, and is incorrect.

So, to clarify: If it's a question, use ? and signify exclamation some other way.

Hope my point's clearer, now? :)

Outiboros
March 2nd, 2012, 09:46 PM
Yeah, it's honestly 'not done', in certain circles you'd receive a nice flogging for your troubles, too.

What I mean is that if I said:

"Oi, mate, come here!"

It's clearly a shout, yes? But if I said:

"Hey, mate, come here for a second?"

There's ambiguity over whether I am speaking or shouting, but if I were to say that my friend was on the other side of the street, I'd have to shout... so I would say:

"Hey, mate, come here for a second?" I shouted. (Yeah, it's awkward but it gets my point across, haha)

The interrobang, as far as I am aware, is not considered good grammar by everyone - and also, who knows how to actually use the interrobang on a PC? I sure don't know the alt code for it... either way, using a '?' and '!' next to each other is not the same, and is incorrect.

So, to clarify: If it's a question, use ? and signify exclamation some other way.

Hope my point's clearer, now? :)
Isn't 'come here for a second' imperative rather than inquisitive?

Cefor
March 2nd, 2012, 09:49 PM
Also, some interesting points about the exclamation mark from William Strunk Jr. and E.B. White's The Elements of Style, 4th ed.

"Exclamations: Do not attemt to emphasize simple statements by using a mark of exclamation.

It was a wonderful show! It was a wonderful show.

The exclamation mark is to be reserved for use after true exclamations or commands.

What a wonderful show!

Halt!"

So, I guess questions don't fall under that category anyway.
:)

Cefor
March 2nd, 2012, 09:51 PM
Isn't 'come here for a second' imperative rather than inquisitive?

Nope, "come here for a second" is definitely not an imperative when used in a questioning manner... which I now realise may be a colloquialism for my part of the UK? I meant anything that is asked as a question, anyway.

Spoken, the end of the sentence would have had rising intonation, indicating a question.

Butch
March 3rd, 2012, 02:56 AM
Hey Cefor, thanks for taking the time to comment.

It was my intention for my readers to dislike the character, at least to begin with. It’s all about how arrogant and cocksure he is and how the things he encounters changes him, for the better it would seem. Whether set in America or England, I found that ‘Jock’ was the easiest way to describe him, because in a sense that’s what he is. An arrogant, popular athlete; but I never mentioned ‘Jock’ in the story itself.

I like your suggestion that I should perhaps write this as a diary, it would give a more eerie feel in that he only felt safe to confide in his trusty diary and nothing else.

Yes, I agree with the both of you. I understand it is slightly heavy to read in places. I’ll attempt to amend this.
The firemen were called in to deal with the random fires that had been started only then were the crazed and obscene lunatics revealed. The police and ambulance services will have been entering the scene should I continue.

It is not the sentence that makes his ears become highly tuned and alert, for they are already highly tuned because of the situation, because he is subjected to the effects of adrenaline. No matter what was said here, it would have met his highly tuned ears all the same.

"'Kill her!' I hollered in desperation." I agree with the fact that I should show how he is feeling here and not in fact only tell. I need to emphasise his desperation and anxiety, thanks for pointing this out.

Well I guess you learn something new every day. I had no idea ‘?!’ this was considered improper grammar. Thanks for informing me.

All things considered, thanks for taking the time to help, I hope you enjoyed it all the same – Butch :)

Cefor
March 3rd, 2012, 03:40 AM
All things considered, thanks for taking the time to help, I hope you enjoyed it all the same – Butch :)

Oh, dear, I feel I did come across as very negative without much positive feedback there. I love Urban Fantasy, which this falls into, so you've got me on the premise of the story... if you were to continue it, I'd be happy to read it!

About the 'jock' thing, that was just my figuring out where exactly you've set it... but I guess that if the piece were to stay this short it really wouldn't matter.

Again, don't take my suggestions as anything but that. Suggestions. They are not hard and fast rules, well, except maybe the ?! one! :D So, if you were to integrate them into your writing it would be great, but if you feel that I'm talking crap, ignore me. Because, after all, what you write is up to you.

Have fun, good luck :)

The Jaded
March 3rd, 2012, 05:03 AM
I didn't have any trouble getting into this one - making an unlikable protagonist is tough to pull off, believe me I know. The temptation's always there to make the protagonist, especially in first-person tense. You avoid that rather well here. The one thing I found that I sort of frowned at was the phrase "true of nature" - "true" could be used there, the "of nature" is both grammatically incorrect and unnecessary.

I also agree with the aforementioned sentiment that the phraseology in many places better fits a debonair cosmopolitan socialite than a toolish jock, which is how he is self-described. That could be fixed by making either agree with the other pretty easily, though.

Butch
March 3rd, 2012, 11:35 AM
So, if you were to integrate them into your writing it would be great, but if you feel that I'm talking crap, ignore me. Because, after all, what you write is up to you.


Not at all, i'm glad you commented, i can't improve unless someone tells me how to right? Most of the things you've mentioned i agree with, so thanks for taking the time to comment :)

Butch
March 3rd, 2012, 11:41 AM
The Jaded, thanks for reading, i'm glad you liked it :) Yeah, in many ways he's like a 'jock' even though he isn't, Self centered, arrogant, popular, but he's also intellectual and gifted and the side story will grapple with how the things that he endures changes him. Thanks again, Butch.

Cefor
March 6th, 2012, 09:05 AM
Not at all, i'm glad you commented, i can't improve unless someone tells me how to right? Most of the things you've mentioned i agree with, so thanks for taking the time to comment :)

Hear, hear... it's just hard when I don't know if someone takes my crits as they were intended, or if they break down in tears, haha! No problem, it was a pleasure to read :)

Limburglar
March 10th, 2012, 04:55 AM
This is certainly an interesting and scarey subject to observe. I found this quote on the Internet:

"Passion is a nice word for Obsession. And Obsession is a nice word for Possession. I will release you from your pain when you stop feasting on the blood of the innocent." -Satan

Druidus-Logos
March 10th, 2012, 03:50 PM
I think it's decent. You could revise and edit it into something pretty good, I'd imagine.

Though I have little idea how.

tputnik
March 10th, 2012, 08:13 PM
I like your style. Keep up the good work.

Butch
March 16th, 2012, 06:29 PM
Thanks for reading guys, i'm glad you liked it.