PDA

View Full Version : Chapter 1: The Mysterious Shadow



ModernDayMozart
February 27th, 2012, 06:01 AM
Hi, So its been forever since I have posted anything on here and felt like I would share the rest of my story that I had started to write. This is suppose to be a full length book one day but we will see if that ever happens! Also, if you have not read my prologue, which is not exactly needed, you can do so at the link provided here: http://www.writingforums.com/fantasy-sci-fi-horror/124037-ch-1-prologue-dream-white.html

This will give you a feel for the characters and a somewhat of a clue to what could be happening later on. I admit these few stories I have wrote give you about a pin drop of the world that I have made up but more will hopefully follow!

I have actually considering either scraping that portion or scrapping what your about to read. Tell me what you think!




Chapter I: A Mysterious Shadow




Anyone can be amazed at the city streets in Takal this time of year. The bazaar is especially packed with merchants from around the world and foreigners who have never seen such a large city. An air ship effortlessly floats through the clouds above all the urban commotion. Merchants yell out over the roar of the passing air ship

“I’VE GOT EVERYTHING YOU WOULD EVER DREAM OF!!” Nothing went untouched by the merchants; even one merchant was trying to sell everything he owned. To them, this season is a gold mine waiting to be reaped of its riches.


Tidus pushed his way through the massive crowd while trying to hold a firm grip on his belongings. No one seemed to notice that he was carrying a very large and primitive two handed sword over his shoulder. This is an odd occurrence and especially odd that no one seems to be bothered by the fact that he carries a sword around. With the invention of the gun hundreds of years prior, no one ever bothered with swords again. However, even without the sword Tidus sticks out from the rest of the crowd. With his long messed up golden blonde hair and the green cloth he tied around his neck, how could you mistake him for someone else? He isn’t exceptional taller than anyone else around him but his dress and scruffy appearance makes him different. His since of fashion could be dictated as old fashion.


“Arrafina, what exactly am I looking for again?” Tidus asked dumbfounded but with the appearance that he might as well be talking to himself. A girl with flowing hair that sparkles like shiny silk under the sun, stepped up next to Tidus. She was only just tall enough to barely see over Tidus`s shoulders.

“I have provided quite enough information to you once before Tidus. It would be wise of you to listen to me more often.” She said with an almost snooty attitude. Arrafina glanced up at Tidus with her brilliantly shaded green eyes and frowned in disapproval that he could not ever seem to remember anything she told him.

“All I know is that I am looking for something that looks like an artifact from the stone age…I don’t think that’s specific enough for me Arra!”


“You know that I cannot directly involve myself in human matters.” Arrafina proclaimed still holding her slight disapproval of Tidus.

“Yes you have told me this before… Remember when I almost died in the Behemoth Mountain Pass because you wanted to keep quiet about some bandits…”

Tidus had been rummaging through a merchant’s wares as he said this with anger in the tone of his words. “As if I was not already busy myself…” Arrafina whispered underneath her breath and turned to watch another air ship pass over head.

“What was that!?” Tidus angrily questioned Arrafina.

“Oh nothing…” She smirked back as they continued to search through various merchant tables. With each table or stand full of goods Tidus`s face slowly began to wrinkle. Setting his sword down, Tidus scanned through various items each merchant persistently tried to sell him, only to turn each merchant down.


“Hey! Stop it!... STOP HIM!” A older looking peddler shouted nearby. Arrafina swiveled her head around out of curiosity and noticed a cloaked figure dashing through the crowd away from a fearful and angry merchant. A break in the crowd allowed her to get a glimpse of a very odd object tucked between the cloaked figures arms.

“Tidus I believe it would be wise that we intervene with the conflict before us.” She said calmly glaring back at Tidus who was now watching the thief desperately try to escape from the scene of his crime.

“Since when did I become a vigilante Arra?”


“You asked for help and I get a whitty retorts back. Then you wonder why I haven’t been helping much. Even though I am here and you refuse to acknowledge the things that I do for you…” Arrafina sighed heavily and flicked her hair aside, all the while mumbling things under her breath about Tidus.

Tidus walked behind her as she moved towards the direction the thief was escaping to.

“I wonder… Will I find the object in the package he is carrying? Whatever this… thing… is” He said but she just turned her head and gave him an emotionless stare as if responding with

“what do you think?”

Without a second response Tidus took off into the crowd, pushing gently through the masses. People glared at him with intense frustration. Some mumbled “what’s his deal?” or
“He must be in a hurry” and the occasional insult was added in as well. Finally breaking free he took off at a run. Down the street Tidus spotted a hooded figure with a remarkably similar resemblance to the thief in the market, or at least from Tidus`s point of view. The hooded man, or even possibly woman, was wearing a brown colored cloak, obviously made of poor quality linens. They walked at a steady pace down the street and clutching a package neatly wrapped in a brightly colored cloth.

Catching up to the cloaked thief, Tidus grabbed ahold of their shoulder and stated firmly. “I believe you stole that from a merchant just now didn’t you! Did you think you could get away so easily?” The cloaked figure slowly turned around and looked up at Tidus with a wild look of confusion on her face. It was an elderly lady with grey hair and with enough wrinkles on her face to keep anyone busy counting for days. She had dark brown glassy eyes and the appearance of someone who has seen too much time in one life span. She began to tremble in fear as she stared at Tidus.


“I… I… paid Moziik for… these…” She spoke under her trembling voice. The elderly lady unfolded the package to reveal a dozen various fruits all bunched neatly together. “I have known him and his family for ages!” She was obviously shaken up by the accusing Tidus.


“I do not believe we are trying to stop people from buying fruits Tidus… She is telling the truth.” Arrafina shifted her attention to an alley that was just across the street. In the shadows, peering from behind a crate was a hooded man with an obvious guilty look on his face. He was wearing a slightly better quality cloak than the elderly lady and had short black hair with a notice scar on his left cheek.


“However, Tidus…” Arrafina pointed towards the man who proceeded to dash down the alley with all of his might behind him. “I have no doubt that he is the real thief…”


Part 2 to come later I feel like editing a lot out of the other pages that I have. This stopped at page 3 but I have until page 6.

bazz cargo
February 27th, 2012, 10:09 PM
Hi MDM,
I've been to read the previous parts of this, that you left a convenient link for, thanks.

There are a few spag nits and some places where the style overcomes content.

Mysterious Shadow has caught my interest. It has a few too many clichés but on the whole I liked it a lot. I don't think the white room stuff adds much to the story. You could add the back story into the main body quite easily.

I don't know if it is coincidental, But Tidus happens to have an existence in a computer game. Try not too use a name from elsewhere unless here is a special reason for doing so, it rarely helps with the immersion of a knowledgeable reader.

I will keep an eye out for the next instalment.:encouragement:

ModernDayMozart
February 27th, 2012, 10:18 PM
Hi MDM,
I've been to read the previous parts of this, that you left a convenient link for, thanks.

There are a few spag nits and some places where the style overcomes content.

Mysterious Shadow has caught my interest. It has a few too many clichés but on the whole I liked it a lot. I don't think the white room stuff adds much to the story. You could add the back story into the main body quite easily.

I don't know if it is coincidental, But Tidus happens to have an existence in a computer game. Try not too use a name from elsewhere unless here is a special reason for doing so, it rarely helps with the immersion of a knowledgeable reader.

I will keep an eye out for the next instalment.:encouragement:

Hmm yeah I see what you saying about the cliche`s and the "tidus" bit. I have actually considered giving him a more made up name like Arrafina`s.. Might also change another characters name as well. Since he is named after a star but arra isnt and they are supposedly coming from similar backgrounds. Yeah I think I might junk the White Room stuff and try to maybe weed bits of it into. Actually I just got the idea to have it as a side story for most of the begining then entertwine the character from "the white room" and Tidus`s story.

What would you think of Renaming Tidus with a Japanese name or something that sounds less made up. I cant change Arra`s name that needs to be made up as she should appear over-worldy and stand out ish from your typical human. I will think about something I could rename Tidus as. Thank you for your suggestions!

bazz cargo
February 28th, 2012, 10:36 PM
Wotcha,

There is no need to change Tidus' name in this work. It's something you can keep in mind for when you are writing the 'big novel.' I quite like the idea that he has a star's name. Maybe a different one would suffice if you are determined to change it.

The white room stuff does catch attention. In small doses sprinkled through the main story it could add a unique touch. In one big block at the beginning it will either be forgotten, or stick in the mind of the reader and stop them from taking anything else in.

There is no way you can avoid using clichés in any genre work, the best you can do is use them consciously and possibly subvert them. That is, unless you can come up with a new genre. If you do, PM me, I'd love to be in on the start of something that awesome.

ModernDayMozart
March 1st, 2012, 08:15 AM
Here is what I have so far on the rest of Chapter 1... Tell me what you think.


Chapter 1, Part 2

Tidus chased after the thief and left Arrafina to apologize for his mistake. Oddly the shadows seem to grow and engulf the space around him. It was as if the thief himself became the shadow that the buildings casted into the alley. He finally stopped and turned to face his pursuer, with a grin on his face as the shadows began to creep over top of his outstretched arms. His skin began to turn as black as darkness without light and with a final glimmer of reflection off his red glassy eyes he vanished into a shadow that not even the brightest of lights could penetrate. To Tidus this was something outrageously weird and stopped him dead in his tracks.


As if someone had flicked a switch the darkness that consumed the thief disappeared and the alley returned to its normal appearance. Tidus stared confusingly at the light coming from the street on the other side of the alley. People walked past the opening between the buildings causing a small flicker of shadow to creep partially down the alley.


“I am not sure I have ever seen such a power. I, for once, am as confused as you seem to appear.” Arrafina softly spoke to Tidus as she stood beside him looking at the very spot the mysterious thief had vanished.


The sun had begun to light up the sky with its fiery orange glow signaling the end of another day for the inhabitants of Takal. Merchants began to collect their goods and many shop owners were locking doors or sweeping the dust out of entry ways. A reluctant few still shouted out the now remarkably lower prices of goods they had yet to sell. Groups of children were all huddled around a shop sign that read “Candies” as a happy middle aged man flipped open a box of red and blue packaged candies. Arrafina watched with interest at the children as her and Tidus walked casually by. Tidus had his eyes to the ground with an intense look of thought stretched across his face.

“I have serious doubts that you will understand exactly everything that has transpired today in one afternoon Tidus. If even I do not understand everything about what happened yet I feel that this will be of an even more trivial matter to you…” Arrafina stopped herself there to acknowledge the fact that Tidus had not even noticed she was talking to him.


“So if he had powers… The same direction as … no I don’t think that matters… He obviously was worried we would catch him. So that must mean he was the thief. I still don’t get… why…” Tidus thought out loud while Arrafina tugged on him so that he would avoid stepping on a group of children playing with a dice. “ I also think… Well… I geuss we will be here for a while longer.” He continued to ponder to himself unaware completely of his surroundings or Arrafina`s intense stares.


Tidus broke from his deep concentration and quickly looked over at a group of guards standing around a very scared looking young lady. “Miss, did you happen to get a look at the thief? Could you provide us a description of his appearance?” A Takal guard was questioning a small mousy woman who was wearing a vibrantly loud red dress that stood out against the dull faded colors of the buildings behind her and of the guard’s dreary green and grey uniform. The guard was holding a small writing tablet and his rifle was leaning against the wall next to him.


“Well… uh he had a… “She started but broke off noticing Tidus`s piercing stare.
A guard turned around and shouted towards Tidus and Arrafina who had stopped in the middle of the road. “Hey, there’s nothing to see here! Move along!” Tidus quickly looked away and began to walk again.

“It would be bad to get involved negativetly here I think. After all we still have not found what we came all this way for.” Arrafina spoke softly to Tidus while looking back at the group of guards that were taking notes as the young lady spoke to them.


The sun bid its final farewell and the stars began to dot the sky above Takal. Music bellowed out of the many taverns and outside one could hear many tunes and shouts of joy coming from nearby. Arrafina and Tidus and found themselves sitting at a table in front of a Pub that was so famous for its spirits and food they had to begin setting up tables outside the front of the pub. From inside the pub laughter and loud music danced out into the street. The Pub itself had a rustic like appearance to it and had a sign that read “The Matterhorn” Tonight it was hosting an assortment of people, from the rough and dangerous looking to the more typical Takal citizen. Even a table of men who looked like they could have been a Politician for the Astari Republic, seemed to be enjoying themselves as well.


Tidus had been drinking a particular bitter tasting beer and Arrafina was still nursing the remainder of a plate of food in front of her. “I do not believe I have ever tasted any spirits before” She proclaimed, looking up at Tidus while she toyed with her fork. “The Divine never drank anything like wine? That surprises me..." Tidus responded and followed up with another gulp of his drink. “Here…” He said handing over his drink to Arrafina.

As she reached for it he quickly snatched it back. “On second thought… is it even a good idea?”


“I do not see why it would be of any kind of problem for me… However, I have no knowledge of anyone of my kind who have tried human liqueur” She wrenched the glass out of Tidus`s hand before he even had time to react. She tilted the glass and Tidus watched as the remainder of his drink disappeared.


“Ah! I had no idea such flavors existed!” She slammed the glass down with a large grin on her face and a look of peacefulness.

“Wont you be in trouble? Arent the Divine supposed to be pure and good?” He questioned her as he looked, with a frown, into his now empty glass that Arrafina had gladly slided back to him.


“Do you… not remember? I was… abolish… exiled… we… have spoken of this…” Arrafina smiled back at him with the look that she was clearly going to need help walking later.


“Yeah, you have never really told me why though Arra… I’ve always been kind of curious as to why they won’t let you go back to your realm anymore.” Tidus had drawn his attention to the crowd and particularly two men with cloaks who had appeared from the commotions going on inside. They looked around the clutter of tables and people in the street and made their way through the tables.


“Arra… Is that? Can you see their faces?” Tidus whispered to Arrafina keeping his eyes locked onto the cloaked men. Arrafina was not paying attention but rather finding an amusement from the music coming from the inside of the pub as she began to tap the table and hum the tune.


As the cloaked men walked the moon shined into their hoods revealing the thief with his jet black hair and identifying scar. Tidus became consumed with excitement and jumped to his feet blocking the way of the two cloaked men. His heart raced as he reached back and drew his sword. The taller of the two men gave an eerie grin as the moon shined on only half of his face only revealing his smile. With a quick motion of his hands the man flicked back his hood. He had wild red hair and a pale white face. His eyes were a golden color and he had an oddly shaped tattoo across the right side of his face.


“My, my… What do we have hear? A trouble maker perhaps…?” The red haired man said this with an odd amount of pleasure plastered over his face. Suddenly the street had become quite and only the sounds of whispers and mumbling from the spectators could be heard.


“Who are you and why do you feel the need to steal from merchants!?” Tidus shouted out with confidence in his voice. Arrafina just looked shocked at how quickly things had turned ugly.

“Violence… is.. no..” She began to attempt to warn the three of them but was quickly interrupted.

“Oh my… and you brought your little Fallen demi-god with you… How nice!” The red haired man began to chuckle at the scene before him.


“I.. have… a good explana…” Arrafina tried to defend looking a little defeated.


“Im sure you do dear! Hahaha! Oh I am rather rude… My name is Zephir! Please to meet the both of you! However, I must keep this meeting short. You see I have more important matters to attend to than mettle with the likes of you both!” He said and with another quick motions brought his hands up in front of him and a mass of darkness leaped out from his hands and knocked the unsuspecting Tidus off his feet within seconds. Zephir let out a chuckle and he disappeared into the night just as quickly as he had knocked Tidus off his feet. With him the cloaked thief also disappeared and everyone just stared intensely at Tidus. They all whispered and had expressions of dread written across their faces. Except for the table of men who looked like they could have been a part of a mercenary company, who had not even bothered to look and see what the all the commotion was about.


Tidus slammed his fists on the table after painfully picking himself up. “Damn them! I know they have to be up to something now! We are after what they have aren’t we Arra… but after that encounter…”


“No… Zephir is a known demi god of The Darkness.” A unfamiliar booming voice said just behind Tidus, which startled him. Tidus quickly spun around but felt reassured when Arrafina let out a shout of excitement “Raslas!”


The man was much taller than Tidus and had very broad shoulders. He had jet black hair and fiery red eyes that looked like they could pierce through anything including ones soul. He took Tidus`s hand and shook it with a massive grin on his face. “Uh… Im Tidus…”


“Ha! I know who you are! Your right Arra humans are a bit slow sometimes…!” He chuckled at his own joke and Arrafina gave an unrealistic airy laugh in response.


“Geuss I should introduce myself though! Im Raslas of The Fallen. Nice to meet ya Tidus!” Both Tidus and Raslas took a seat at the table that Arrafina was now laying her head on. Tidus looked over at her with intense interest and wondered if this was the result of when she decided to steal his beer from him. Before long people relaxed and sat at their tables once more. The music was playing again but not as much laughter and happiness was pouring out of the pub. Guards had showed up to question people about the disturbance but soon took to drinking when they found nothing was broken and no one was hurt. Tidus could hear people talking about the incident rather loudly to people who had just recently showed up.

“Hey, I just heard some weird man with fire for hair disappeared into thin air after knocking some weirdo with a sword off his feet! Is it true? That sounds so much like something out of a book!” The newcomer said

“Oh ya I was there! The girl is some sort of witch too! He called her a god… Then shot black powder of his hands!” One excited woman said.

“No! It was more like flames or something!” A man to her left corrected him.

“I think you all had way too much to drink! It sounds like a drunkard’s tale!” One of the other newcomers said to the group with a slight grin on his face.

[End]

Heres my problem... I have some idea`s but I am not sure how to keep the story flowing. Also, I have to figure out a way to bridge how Raslas became a member of The Fallen. I have a general idea for that and it creates one of 3 other major villians in the plot line at the same time. However, I originally intended The Fallen to be stricly the demi-gods who were no longer part of The Divine Organization and they were all banished to live and die in the human realm.

Outiboros
March 1st, 2012, 10:28 PM
I'd have to read the story a few times over to give you feedback on the story itself, but I do have a tip for you that I guess is easy to implement.
Namely, the punctuation. Maybe it's just me and my utter reverence for the comma, but I had the idea that some phrases could use some more. These aren't all of them, just some examples.
'Oddly the shadows seem to grow and engulf the space around him' after 'Oddly', perhaps, but this depends on if it is oddly that the shadows behave this way or if it is an oddly way in which the shadows behave.

'He finally stopped and turned to face his pursuer, with a grin on his face as the shadows began to creep over top of his outstretched arms.' After 'face', and maybe remove the one after 'pursuer'.
'His skin began to turn as black as darkness without light' wait what
'The same direction as … no I don’t think that matters' After 'no'.

That's just for the sake of reading pace, though.

bazz cargo
March 3rd, 2012, 12:16 PM
Heres my problem... I have some idea`s but I am not sure how to keep the story flowing. Also, I have to figure out a way to bridge how Raslas became a member of The Fallen. I have a general idea for that and it creates one of 3 other major villians in the plot line at the same time. However, I originally intended The Fallen to be stricly the demi-gods who were no longer part of The Divine Organization and they were all banished to live and die in the human realm.

Now we hit a wall. It is your story, if I was to put my ideas into it then it would become more awkward for you to keep the plot on track. I will point out that you don't have to explain everything to the reader. A little 'between the lines' type hinting has its attractions. Also what happens sometimes, is later on you come up with a handy fix for something and you then can go back and re-edit things to fit. March on and remember the edit process is where you can make things right.

Outibros does have a point about some of your spag, but that too is fixable in the edit.

Some people live, some people live and learn.
Regards
Bazz

Druidus-Logos
March 10th, 2012, 03:54 PM
Wow, good stuff, better than I write, I'm sure. Sorry I can't offer much in the way of help in writing it...

RedSky
March 14th, 2012, 07:30 PM
It's better than I can write, but it does sound like something off of something like Final Fantasy or something close to that sort, I'd suggest you fix some of the grammar errors, but overall it is very good and I really got into it

ModernDayMozart
March 25th, 2012, 08:28 AM
Having writers block... Ugh... Hopefully I can overcome this and post more. You all seem interested enough. Well I will give you a bit more lore to the storyline while you wait.

The Divine- Is a group of Demi-Gods that believe they are 100% pure and never give into evil deeds or thoughts. They named themselves The Divine because they actually feel that they are far more superior and divine than any other group of Demi-gods or Power Users. They are mostly in charge of balancing out any bad things or mischeif that The Darkness causes. Legend has it that in an ancient book kept by the highest of clergy and council leaders that dictates the history of their religion/practice of abilities/ and ancient training methods for the young demi-gods and goddess. It is also said to hold the knowledge of how they actually became "Half a God" or in other words developed powers that normal humans should not posses.

The Darkness- An organization of people who believe that they must do evil to counterbalance The Divine. Their theory of the world is directly related to the theory that The Divine have as well. It is said that even the higher council members of The Divine communicate with the leaders of The Darkness. Their belief is that the world cannot exist in the state that it does without a perfect, if not near-perfect, balance of good and evil. If you were to cause to much of one or the other they feel that the order of the world would spin out of control and ultimately lead to its destruction.

Zero`s- Or a person that can be spawned from nothing. They have no history, they have no background, but they are themselves and nothing else. No one can say for certain if this is a myth or legend.

Realm Of Gods- This is believed to be the space that both organizations reside in. Its theorized that this space actually overlaps The Realm of Humans to some degree but at the same time is entirely different. No Human has every been recorded as being able to see this Realm. Or atleast none that have lived to tell about it. However, It is also theorized that this is likely not where heaven or hell is located either. The only substantial evidence of such a place is Myths and Legends created by the Humans themselves.

The A.P.A- Otherwise known as The Association of Parallel Aparitions. This is a group of people who recall coming from an entirely other dimension. Myth has it that they claim that they had to relearn everything including speech. Others say that this organization is not secretive its just so small in the fact that many die from shock after realizing they have somehow been misplaced in another dimension without a way to return. Oddly enough, no one has actually ever met a Parallel so its extremely difficult to prove or disprove the existence of such a group.

this is just a small bit of side story for you. I did up the explanations as if you were reading about it like it was a myth or legend. The storyline goes that normal humans dismiss all of this as not true. later in the story you will see that most people think of arrafina as just a strange girl but not a Demi God. its not like these organizations, besides the last one, are trying to keep all of this as a secrect underground world. Its just that people dont believe such things exist...

Elvenswordsman
April 8th, 2012, 03:42 AM
Hmm... Grammar, related thoughts, and train of thought. Fix these, and you're set.

Blue Blazer
May 4th, 2012, 01:46 AM
'He finally stopped and turned to face his pursuer, with a grin on his face as the shadows began to creep over top of his outstretched arms.' After 'face', and maybe remove the one after 'pursuer'.

I know I'm a little late to this particular dance, but I thought I'd throw in however many cents I have in my pocket. In this sentence, I think your best bet is to move the phrase "with a grin on his face" to earlier in the sentence. Then it would read,

"He finally stopped and, with a grin on his face, turned to face his pursuer..."

Red
May 24th, 2012, 09:41 PM
I'm not quite sure why, but your dialogue confuses me a bit. I sorta feel like things are happening too fast, and I don't know enough about the characters back story. Still, that was just chapter one, and I'm sure you'll explain things in more detail later. Wish I had better feedback. When I figure out what it is that's confusing me, I'll let you know.

Silen
May 24th, 2012, 10:00 PM
This is an odd occurrence and especially odd
green cloth he tied
isn’t exceptional taller
A girl with flowing hair that sparkles

I would change these parts to

This was an odd occurrence and especially odd
green cloth tha t he tied
Wasn't exceptional taller
A girl with flowing hair that sparkled

Im not sure i understand fully your writing style, it seems to me that your descriptions are how you would view it as an onlooker rather than how the character would view it.

other than that thought i very much like your story line.

Perhaps focus on transfering your description from your drafts into the story by changing words around to make it fit and flow better when reading :)

Good luck with the rest

Kenneth J. Ester
May 25th, 2012, 04:29 AM
Dont fully trust a spell check. Read your stuff and look for mistakes on your own. Spell Checks wont find misspellings that look like a correctly spelled word. But the wrong word!

His since of fashion could be dictated as old fashion. ..... I think you mean "sense" of fashion.

She was only just tall enough to barely see over Tidus`s shoulders. ...... I would get rid of "only". It seems like an extra word that pauses my brain as I read it.

“Hey! Stop it!... STOP HIM!” A older looking peddler shouted nearby. ...... An older looking...

from a fearful and angry merchant. ...... These two words, fearful and angry, just dont work together for me. It caused me to pull up short and try to understand it. That is the very last thing you want your readers to do. Use only one of the words and it will read much smoother.

“You asked for help and I get a whitty retorts back ..... Either get rid of the "a" or lose the "s" on retorts. (witty. Not whitty.)

Down the street Tidus spotted a hooded figure with a remarkably similar resemblance to the thief in the market, or at least from Tidus`s point of view. The hooded man, or even possibly woman, was wearing a brown colored cloak, obviously made of poor quality linens. They walked at a steady pace down the street and clutching a package neatly wrapped in a brightly colored cloth. ...... 1) Dont mention that the hood was similar in any way. Just say he spotted the hood and let it be more of a surprise when it is an older woman who turns around. The reader does not want the catch handed to them ahead of time. 2) I would try to fit the description of the clothing in when you first mention the hooded figure running away in the market. Then when he spots the figure (who is just an elderly woman) mention he spots a tattered hooded cloak or something in the way to make the reader believe he has the right one until it is revealed he found the wrong person. 3) It is a single hooded figure. It seems to be a single elderly lady. Yet you say "THEY walked at a steady pace."

Tidus grabbed ahold of their shoulder and stated firmly. ..... There is no such thing as "ahold". Just say he grabbed hold of....

“I… I… paid Moziik for… these…” .... This one I am not positive of. Maybe someone with better knowledge can help. When writing letters, I sometimes will end a sentence with "....", but when writing in a book, I believe that if you want to leave a sentence open ended as if they did not finish speaking, or show pauses between words, you should use two dashes. "I-- I-- paid Moziik for-- these--". Though I believe in word it turns into one longer dash. Again, I could have misunderstood something I read before and may be wrong in this instance. I hope someone with better knowledge will answer this.

As a whole however, I do like your writing. It has a decent flow to it and I like the characters. But I would definitely say you should Google the "comma" and learn better how and when to use it. It takes time to learn the correct use. I have been trying to learn it myself and still have people correcting my stories. But I could definitely see quite a few places where you really needed to add them.

Kenneth J. Ester
May 25th, 2012, 04:30 AM
Dont get me wrong. I am not saying Dont use the spell check. You should use it. Just dont trust it to do the job completely.

Kyra
May 26th, 2012, 03:06 PM
It's an interesting story overall. There were a few capitalization errors, and a few grammar ones too. The spacing was also a bit peculiar in my opinion. But overall, I can get across what's going on in the story and the general idea of the mood during each 'scene'. I'll be waiting for Chapter two!

ModernDayMozart
July 23rd, 2012, 09:10 AM
It's an interesting story overall. There were a few capitalization errors, and a few grammar ones too. The spacing was also a bit peculiar in my opinion. But overall, I can get across what's going on in the story and the general idea of the mood during each 'scene'. I'll be waiting for Chapter two!

Thank you for this kind comment! I know I`m just now responding but I just came back after a long long break... Several things happened way to quickly in my life. As soon as things settle down I will most likely start working on this book again!