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View Full Version : life in the suburbs-sunday morn. walk(Adult)



Kevin
February 26th, 2012, 08:02 PM
She pulled the car over to the curb. He noticed that the park was empty. Still a little chilly he thought. That's alright. I'll warm up once we get going. It had been a while since they'd gone walking for exercise together, not since early winter, and now the leaves were already back on the trees. He had wanted to see if the persimmons that were growing on that one tree that they passed had been harvested or just left to rot. Too late, now. Something was lying in the gutter; a sheet of paper with pieces of tape at the corners.

"What's that?" she asked

"Looks like a sign..let's see..."yard sale" and...a condom."

"Oh, great. Why do they have to throw those in the street?"

"They're like cigarette butts...would you want that in your car?"

"Gross."

"There's the address. It's just a few blocks from here. Should we take them over and put them in their mailbox?"

"I'm not going to touch that!"

"I can just wrap it up in the paper."

The Backward OX
February 26th, 2012, 11:11 PM
I wondered if this might be simply a few random thoughts thrown together. There doesn’t seem to be any point to any of it.

Whatever, in the English language (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Language), nouns (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Noun) are inflected (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inflection) for grammatical number (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grammatical_number), that is, singular or plural. And, in a story, nouns that refer to the same thing must be in accord with each other. The word ‘something’ is singular, but the story tells of a piece of paper and a condom, which are two things, and so the ‘something’ needs to be pluralised in some fashion.

I note you’ve fallen into the laying lying trap. Hens lay eggs, carpet layers lay carpets, items already in place on the ground or people recumbent in bed are lying. Those people might be telling lies too, but that’s another story.

When you say ‘it had been early winter’ it seems you are putting the story in that particular time frame, but in the very next breath we are transported into spring, with leaves back on the trees. It totally confused me.

Kevin
February 27th, 2012, 02:26 AM
I wondered if this might be simply a few random thoughts thrown together. There doesn’t seem to be any point to any of it.

Whatever, in the English language (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Language), nouns (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Noun) are inflected (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inflection) for grammatical number (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grammatical_number), that is, singular or plural. And, in a story, nouns that refer to the same thing must be in accord with each other. The word ‘something’ is singular, but the story tells of a piece of paper and a condom, which are two things, and so the ‘something’ needs to be pluralised in some fashion.

I note you’ve fallen into the laying lying trap. Hens lay eggs, carpet layers lay carpets, items already in place on the ground or people recumbent in bed are lying. Those people might be telling lies too, but that’s another story.

When you say ‘it had been early winter’ it seems you are putting the story in that particular time frame, but in the very next breath we are transported into spring, with leaves back on the trees. It totally confused me.
Thank you.
The "something" appeared to be just one item and then upon closer inspection, the second, semi-transparent, and much smaller one, became apparent. How should I handle that? From the perspective of 'hindsight', where everthing has already been shown or revealed, or, a more present one, meaning as it presents it's self to the story?

Lay, lying- thought maybe I'd messed it, but it just didn't "sound" right. Tried it both ways. Hopefully I'll remember that one. Somehow, I doubt it.


Leaves, time- First I wrote 'It had been a while since...', "It" refering to the time, and then, in the next sentence: 'It was now...' I guess that was not a clear enough connection. Maybe if I changed it to 'but now..' instead of 'and now'.
So:

"It had been a while since they'd done this, gone walking for exercise together. It had been early winter, but now the leaves were back on the trees."
I think if I add long, before while.
Hows that read?

'It had been a long while since they'd done this, gone walking for exercise together. It had been early winter, but now the leaves were back on the trees.."

Hmm. I don't like the double had. How about this instead? :

They hadn't done this, go walking together for exercise, since early winter, and now the leaves were already back on the trees..
should I leave out "already"?

"They hadn't walked together for exercise since early winter, and now the leaves were back on the trees."

Whoes, who's, whos', whose?!! used in who's just (below) It's supposed to be whose.

riverdog
February 27th, 2012, 09:43 PM
I don't see the point of the story. Whats it about? Finding a condom in the gutter? Why in God's name would anyone even think about picking it up? It makes no sense.

As far as your questions...


How should I handle that? From the perspective of 'hindsight', where everthing has already been shown or revealed, or, a more present one, meaning as it presents it's self to the story?


The best policy in my opinion is to write in a linear fashion. Start at the beginning and end at the end. Avoid flashbacks, and writing out of time sequence. Keep backstory to minimum and add only as much as you need to advance the story.


It had been a while since they'd done this, gone walking for exercise together. It had been early winter, but now the leaves were back on the trees."
I think if I add long, before while.
Hows that read?

Honestly, that reads pretty bad. Read it out loud and you'll know.

First, drop the "hads" and use some action verbs. Passive writing is boring writing.

-They walked together, hand-in-hand, and remembered the past autumn's brilliance.... so on and so forth.

Kevin
February 29th, 2012, 02:29 PM
R. D.- "w t about?" The point is humour. You're right, who would pick up a condom(especially used!)? No one would. That's the joke. So 'he', the male pro-tag, tries to add some sort of logic to it by implying that he could use the discarded "yard sale" sign to do it (like picking up a dog turd with a plastic bag) Now, of course this is absurd. It's also absurd to think that somehow the depositors of the condom are in anyway linked to the people who's sign was left (both in the gutter) He's joking. His logic is twisted, distorted. Now imagine you're the type that resents 'litter-bugs'. Wouldn't you like to take their litter and give it back to them? How about this: Imagine you found one of your 'yard sale' signs returned to you, in your mail box, wrapped around...ee-yew! Anyway, of course not everyone thinks all jokes are funny. That's how we are.

As far as writing style, linear vs. whadever,
I'm just a begginer here. This site is where I can experiment and make mistakes. If I just do what's comfortable...i don't know...'nothing ventured, nothing gained'?
I'm also seeing that some things I get, and some I don't get at all. I struggle with them. There like a puzzle. It's kind of fun.

As far as your sample, well that's just not how it happened, Silly!( and I didn't pick up the 'scum-bag', after-all..wow! new word for me!) Hey, Thank you for anything you got to say. I hope I can reciprocate. I think it all helps. K.

riverdog
February 29th, 2012, 04:42 PM
The explanation of the joke was longer than the joke...and I still didn't get it. Maybe I should stay out of the Humor section.

Kevin
March 1st, 2012, 12:54 AM
The explanation of the joke was longer than the joke...and I still didn't get it. Maybe I should stay out of the Humor section.

Now you made a funny. Humour is totally subjective. You might think something is dumb as ....and your friend thinks it's absolutely hilarious. I say, so what?

riverdog
March 1st, 2012, 05:39 PM
I'm here to entertain. Carry on.

Carolina Girl
March 5th, 2012, 05:55 PM
I see potential, good detail too :star:

Kevin
March 7th, 2012, 12:12 PM
Potential? Hmm. I should go back. Bring gloves, maybe, or tweezers... (thanks CG)

Apple Ice
June 9th, 2012, 09:23 PM
i thought it was good. the most basic and boring comment you will get i imagine but its true.

Kevin
June 10th, 2012, 06:48 AM
Thank you, Apple. I wish I had more to it. At this point, everything just feels like practice. Someday I hope I can write a whole chapter. :)

Skodt
June 10th, 2012, 07:05 AM
I don't think most people would get a joke out of this. I am not trying to say it couldn't work, but right now it reads as an unfinished peice of work. Maybe add something to really push it over. As playful banter the characters could work. As a setting this could also work. I seen a marital affair. That is what I picked up on the subtle tones.

Also watch your word choices, hads, lays, and the whole sequence of from that one tree they had passed. They all could be better worded.

Kevin
June 10th, 2012, 07:23 AM
Hey Skodt, thank you. It does seem awkward. I left out "had"? "Laying", that's the act of placing something, like laying bricks, not 'being'. I think lying is what it should be. Now I'm not sure. I better look it up. Thanks again- k

Apple Ice
June 10th, 2012, 12:56 PM
You're welcome. ah i know what you mean but you're obviously good so i don't see you having a problem being able to write a chapter.

jrajendra
July 19th, 2012, 08:50 PM
When you said Sunday morning walk, I automatically thought of people wearing warm hats and coats, walking through autumn weather through golden and red leaves as their breath is visible from the cold weather, while the sun is barely shining over the mountains. I was actually expecting an innuendo when you italicized "we'll warm up once we get going" in your car. I agree with most of the posts, seems like random thoughts, so I would just grab one of them and flesh it out more. :)

jroland0482
July 24th, 2012, 05:58 PM
I don't get the humor, I am sorry, maybe its just over my head but just wanted to give you the perspective of a general reader.