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writingismylife<3
February 24th, 2012, 09:11 PM
I've began writing this awhile ago and never got around to adding detail and description. I would like to continue the piece but I was wondering what you think of the general plot structure so far and anything that you think may be missing.




Otherland, Otherland
The land you can’t outgrow


Otherland, Otherland

The land I must call my home

The sky its red, the grass is red

You’re lucky you still have your head


An old, tone deaf man began to sing from the cell next to me. I shuddered trying to keep my lifeless body from shaking. I was afraid to look over, but I gave in to curiosity. The man had a scar running in between both of his crossed eyes. The scar was huge I didn’t need to look over to know that, his trip to Otherland was not easy. Bags, which seemed layer upon layer, lay underneath his eyes. He was completely mad, nothing about him said otherwise. He saw me looking at him. A big, bazaar grin spread across his round, sunken in face.
“What you looking at Charlie,” his rough, course voice taunted me. I crept to the corner of my cell, and cowered. He slowly approached the bars that connected our cells and tilted his head.
“What you looking at Charlie,” he yelled. Slowly curved my hands into a fist and I felt my nails dig into the palm of my hand. I felt no pain, we feel no pain here. It is simply nothing but emptiness upon emptiness. Only the scar, or oddly coloring of the skin in its place but some of us missed pain that was not me. The bazaar, the ones who had completely gone mad would do anything to feel it again. But each hit or strike was nothing more than hollow memory in our hollow heads. Just a hollow bruise: on our hollow bodies.
“What do you think I’m looking at?” I yelled. I slowly pulled my hand back and punched with as much power as I could muster without breaking my hand. Brokenness was never healed here. He grabbed my hand mid-punch and pulled me next to him. I screamed pulling away from him, pushing against the bars of the cell using my feet. The watchers were by my side in seconds. All it took was a look into the man’s eyes from the watcher. He was down to the ground in merely seconds. He left out a heart stopping screech, which terrified me; I couldn’t help but shake in fear. I can think of no way to describe the sound that escaped his lips. Think of the worst scream you heard in your life then multiply the fear it caused you by ten. Or you can simply add zero after zero until no more can fit inside the mental calculator in your head. It could stop the heart of a weary, poor soul in seconds just by the sound itself. The guards who seemed pleased with my terrified demeanor turned away. I slowly approached a puddle on the ground and stared looking at my reflection. I was hideous and didn’t resemble my real world self. My eyes were baggy; my face was covered in dirt, mixed with crimson. My blonde hair was blood stained and it was unnaturally pin straight. With my finger, I moved away a piece of my hair and revealed my scar. The stitches were sticking out for the skin formed around it before they were ever removed. I ran my finger around it and shuddered. I remember the one I loved a gun to my head, the twiger, one fatal bullet, a faint good bye. The bullet shot threw my skull; going thru the bone and stopping. Then yet another bullet, a beautiful angel like body falling to the ground. At least everyone has scars here. The foreign metal from the bullet is unrecognized; we never get to the right dimension. No one ever goes where they’re going. We sit in the cells and rot for an eternity. Our destiny remains unknown and a secret never told. The cell bars are indestructible the only way to get out of the cells is with the key. The key was our escape, our every thought. I need to escape get back to the real world, live my real life. No matter how many years have passed. I thought about that as I dosed off.

tputnik
March 10th, 2012, 08:15 PM
I would like to see this more fleshed out. Could be interesting....

itsraining
March 23rd, 2012, 06:25 PM
Very, very interesting! You automatically catch the readers attention with the rhyme the old man sings. The thought of people going mad because they can't feel pain is very thought provoking. Though most of us would like to think we could live without it, it's a very vital part of our being! I would love to read more of this! It's looks great!

Fallow
March 24th, 2012, 12:29 AM
You really need to divide this into paragraphs. They let the reader pause for a bit to think about what they're reading, and they let a person's eyes more easily follow a line of text.

Gery Pap
March 25th, 2012, 12:14 AM
Continue to develop the story. It has a nice feel to it, it could get very interesting. :)
I would like to know more about this Otherland. Keep it up, it's worth it.

RedSky
April 5th, 2012, 07:45 PM
Very intrigued with the situation. You should continue this is very well done

hkirsch
April 14th, 2012, 01:12 AM
This has the potential to be a very great piece. It definitely needs some work... but the plot is very raw and provokes feeling. I think with a little work, it could be a compelling read. Good job!