View Full Version : The Blood Dealers -Contemporary urban thriller, 18+, explicit language, sex, violence

February 22nd, 2012, 02:21 PM
Hi everyone, I haven't been on these forums in a while but it feels good be back. I have recently started writing my new novel "The Blood Dealers". Be warned, it does have a lot of explicit language, some sexual references and violence. I hope you enjoy the first chapter and I would welcome some great feedback. Thanks.


-Chapter One-
The bloody House Party

If Kelly’s parents knew what she was about to do, they would never have sent her to a London University.

But that was exactly it. They didn’t know what she was about to do and this fuelled her excitement. For the first time in her life, Kelly was going to stop being the straight-edge, straight A’s Mechanical Engineering student who was still a virgin at 20 years old, and whose only physical contact with a boy had been at a school dance in Primary school. Tonight, she was going to let loose and unleash her wild side-her untamed bitch.

Kelly leaned against the side of the white bath tub and watched as Samantha, who was on her knees near the toilet, handled the drug. Just by watching the way Samantha delicately held the syringe, using the plunger to soak up the heroin-like drug from the swollen cotton wool, Kelly knew that Samantha had done this many times before. It didn’t surprise her in the least of course. Kelly was the bookworm and Samantha was the “untamed bitch” as she liked to call herself.

A loud banging noise against the door broke the still silence of the bathroom Kelly and Samantha were in.

“Oi, open the door,” came one of the voices from outside the bathroom.

“Yeah, are you bitches putting on your bloody make-up or what?” said another second voice.

Samantha placed the syringe on the toilet seat cover and glared at the door. “Don’t call me a bitch and shut the fuck up,” she screamed back. “We will be done when we’re fucking done.” She turned her head to face Kelly.

“What a bunch of fucking dickheads,” she said, her earlier glare replaced by a cheeky grin.

“Have you finished getting the heroin ready?” Kelly said, her heart starting to beat rapidly against her chest.

“Yeah I’ve finished,” Samantha replied, standing up from the bathroom floor and taking a seat on the toilet. She had the syringe in her hand as she began to pull up her pink sleeve on her tight fitting dress to reveal the skin of her forearm.

“And I told you it’s not heroin.”

“Well, what is it then? Because like, don’t you use syringes when you take heroin? Sorry, if I sound dumb.” Kelly looked down at her short, black, tight fitting dress to avoid Samantha’s bored expression. She had bought this dress specifically for this house party. Usually she would never wear a dress this ridiculously short from Jane Norman but if she was going to act like a rude bitch for once, she might as well dress like one.

“Look Kelly, it’s like heroin ok but it’s not,” Samantha said.

“So then what is it?”

“People call it grape juice or dragon piss but it’s actually known as blood”, Samantha said, with a hint of excitement in her voice. “It makes heroin look like glue. It really is the ultimate drug. I’ve had it once it and it made me feel like a supreme bitch.”
Kelly looked up from her skirt and faced Samantha who was now trying to find the vein in her forearm where she would insert the syringe into.

“Where did you get this blood drug from?”

“Oh my gosh Kelly, you ask so many questions,” Samantha said, as she managed to finally find one of her veins. “If you have to know, I got it from some London boy who calls himself ‘Mercedes’. I think he’s one of the only people who sells it in this part of London.”

Samantha carefully placed the hypodermic needle into her veins and gently pushed the pump of the syringe. Fascinated, Kelly watched as the bright red liquid inside the syringe slowly filtered into Samantha’s bloodstream. Samantha closed her eyes and let out a pleasurable moan as the blood drug seeped into her. Once the syringe was left with half of the bright red liquid, Samantha removed the syringe, cleaned the tip and the needle mark on her forearm with an alcohol drenched cotton wool.

“Your turn,” she said, dangling the syringe in front of Kelly.

Hands shaking, Kelly took the syringe from Samantha and stared at it. The bright red liquid drug inside known as blood looked oddly like red paint. Then quite suddenly, her inhibitions began to rise in her conscience. This was her first time taking this drug so what if it killed her? She remembered when her father, who was a doctor, had told her about cases of first time users of ecstasy who had taken that drug once and hadn’t lived to tell the tale about it. What if she dies from taking this drug? She did want to be wild and bitchy but was this drug really the way to unleash that side of her? Kelly felt her heart pound even faster as these thoughts swirled uncontrollably in her head.

“Samantha, I don’t know if this is for me,” Kelly finally said, aiming to give the syringe back to Samantha. “Don’t know if I can do it. Sorry.”
Samantha exhaled loudly and shook her head. “Kelly, nothing is going to happen. It’s a new drug just released and everyone who is anyone at Uni is taking it. Aren’t you sick of just being the 20 year old virgin who is dead boring? Come on Kelly, you wanna release your bitchy side? Well this will do it, trust me.”

Kelly looked at the syringe and eyed it dubiously. All her life, she had never taken chances and lived an all too comfortable existence. She had grown up, as an only child, to wealthy middle-class, professional parents in Brighton. There she had done her homework on time, stayed away from boys, achieved her numerous A stars and was now in the best University in London. And yet, despite all this, she felt like she didn’t know the real world or herself. She had never taken chances. Now she was at University, probably the only time in life where she will get to take wild chances before entering the world of work. It was now or never.

Kelly felt her vein in her forearm, closed her eyes and felt the sharp but quick prick as the needle injected the drug into her bloodstream.


I can be anyone. I can do everything. I can have anything.

Those thoughts spun around Kelly’s mind as she confidently advanced across the massive room filled with dancing, drunk University students. The loud baseline of the edgy dubstep track seemed to surround the whole living room, filling her ears with its mad but strangely mesmerizing melody.

The blood drug had taken its effect instantaneously. When she had opened the bathroom door to get back to the party downstairs with Samantha, she felt it kick in. It was like her brain, body and confidence had been given an extra charge.
Now she found herself wondering through the mass of University students and everything around her had a dream-like quality to it. Dancers merged with each other and lights flickered everywhere like fireflies suspended in mid-air. She had lost Samantha but she didn’t care. She felt young, free and alive-more alive than she had ever felt.

Ignoring those around her, Kelly began to dance. She swung her hips and flung her arms in the air. Nothing was important but the music. As she closed her eyes, she felt someone grab her waist and pull her close. Kelly didn’t hesitate or flinch but she leaned back against the stranger who had pulled her by the waist and began to dance with him. Without really thinking it but simply reacting to what her body wanted, she spun around and faced the stranger.

It was Nathan. His tidy jet black hair was combed back with some gel and Kelly could swear his blue eyes sparkled. Since fresher’s week, she had developed a major crush on Nathan despite knowing how he treated girls like sex pets. It was probably because he represented a wilder side of life that contrasted the orderly and structured life she lived that she felt attracted to him. Deep down, she knew she was too mature and had too much going for her to be attracted to bad boys like Nathan but she really didn’t give a shit right now.

Impulsively, she grabbed Nathan, pulled him close to her and kissed him on the lips. It was a full-on kiss and she could taste his soft lips and soon she felt his wet tongue. Her whole body tingled as she put her right hand into his jeans, down his boxes and felt his hard and stiff penis. Nathan quivered and broke their kiss as he scanned her body hungrily. Kelly grinned back and licked her lips. If that got him excited already-this was only the start of it.

She whispered softly in Nathan’s ear for him to come to the empty bedroom upstairs. Very much like a puppy wagging its tail when it’s about to receive a treat, Nathan obediently followed Kelly as she grabbed his hand and led him away from the dancing revellers. Kelly barged past a couple of people on the staircase, ignoring their whistling sounds and sexual jokes as she led Nathan upstairs. As soon as she saw the bedroom door, she opened it, let Nathan come inside and slammed the door shut.
Nathan didn’t even have time to pull down his jeans before Kelly flung herself upon him like a predator about to devour its unsuspecting prey.

They both fell onto the bed and Kelly took charge. Their lips locked tightly as Kelly unzipped his jeans and revealed his erect penis. She then stopped kissing him, let the top half of her dress slip off and removed her bra to reveal her curvy breasts. A wide smile stretched across Nathan’s face before Kelly continued kissing his lips.

All the years of compressed sexual desires were pouring from Kelly as freely as water pours from a bottle. She could not control herself. Nathan’s skin felt smooth and she could feel his heaving chest press against her breast. She could feel his erect penis banging against her thong which had now become wet. His body was warm and she could sense the blood flowing through his veins. His blood smelled sweet and inviting.

Then Kelly bit a large chunk out of Nathan’s neck.

Blood spurted out of the wound and began to leak onto the bed. Nathan let out an agonising shout but Kelly violently pushed his head back against the covers and began to drink the blood flowing from the wound.

“Get the fuck off me,” Nathan shouted. He raised his fists and punched Kelly against the head.

Kelly felt Nathan’s knuckles connect against the temple of her head and the seething pain came immediately afterwards, causing her to crash sideways as she fell off the bed. She felt disorientated as she got up, rubbing her hand against the side of her throbbing head. In her mouth she could taste the oily flavour of blood. Sitting in front of her, Nathan had his left hand cupped around his neck. Streams of blood were tickling down his hand as well as down his Ralph Lauren polo shirt.

“What the fuck, man,” Nathan said, almost whimpering. “Why the fuck did you bite me? You fucking bitch.”

“I didn’t mean to--” Kelly stuttered, unsure of what had happened. Had she done that to him? She wiped her hand against her mouth and looked at her palm. Blood stains and it wasn’t her blood.

“Your fucking crazy, I’ll hurt you,” Nathan spat, scowling intensely at Kelly. “I will fucking do you in for this.”

Nathan stood up and Kelly took a step back towards the bedroom door. Nathan then lunged at her and Kelly pushed open the bedroom door.

Suddenly she found herself the sole attention of dozens of people who looked at her dress which was still pulled down, revealing her breasts and the blood across her mouth and teeth. Without really thinking, Kelly ran down the stairs, barging past people who simply stared back at her transfixed. As she barged past the students in the living room, she could swear she heard Samantha call her name but she ignored it. She reached the front door of the house, pushed it open and ran.

Where was she going? Kelly had no idea. What she was doing? Kelly did not have a clue. All she wanted to do was run and keep on running. The night air was chilly and the air brushed against her still exposed breasts but on and on she ran. Everything around her was still in a dream-like haze. Bright lights dazzled her eyesight like floating, luminous eyes of demons and she began to feel disorientated and even sick. Where was she?

Suddenly, before her eyes, a consuming light blinded her vision.

The blinding light was the last thing Kelly witnessed before the double decker Bus slammed into her, flinging her lifeless body across the road.

February 22nd, 2012, 04:27 PM
Well I like it. I think there were a few spots where I was a bit confused. Some of the wording was a little awkward... particularly when you describe the bathroom that they were in... possibly because you used the word bathroom earlier in the same sentence.

My PhD tutor told me a simple rule:
If you can use a full stop (period) where you have a comma, do it. If you don't have a comma see if it will fit. If not, consider re-writing. If it passes all of those tests, move on.

My PhD was in linguistics, and it served as a good rule for my thesis - though it was very time consuming. Lets try it in a different way:
Make sentences short and snappy wherever you can. If you can't punctuate properly to avoid ambiguity.

February 22nd, 2012, 11:25 PM
Thank you for the reply gerkintrigg. I have made some changes to this chapter as a result of your feedback, particularly about the beginning part of the chapter.

February 23rd, 2012, 07:21 PM
I thought it was good overall. I really liked the bus at the end, because I wasn't expecting that.

I notice you are trying to emphasize how straight-laced and repressed Kelly is, but it seems too frequent.

"Hands shaking, Kelly took the syringe from Samantha and stared at it. The bright red liquid drug inside known as blood looked oddly like red paint. Then quite suddenly, her inhibitions began to rise in her conscience. This was her first time taking this drug so what if it killed her? She remembered when her father, who was a doctor, had told her about cases of first time users of ecstasy who had taken that drug once and hadn’t lived to tell the tale about it. What if she dies from taking this drug? She did want to be wild and bitchy but was this drug really the way to unleash that side of her? Kelly felt her heart pound even faster as these thoughts swirled uncontrollably in her head.

Do you need the part in bold? We have already been introduced to the conflict between what she is and what she wants, and we could intuit this as an underlying current without it being stated.

If Samantha is going to mention that Kelly is a twenty-year-old virgin, does it have to be in the first full paragraph?

The more the character traits are reiterated, the more I feel like someone is trying to sell me something and I don't want to buy.

These issues aside, I thought it was engaging.

March 1st, 2012, 12:11 AM
I like what you have started here! The thing I would impart to you here is that you use a lot of the same words repeatedly. "Bitch" and "Bitchy" for example. If you use the word "penis" in one sentence, try to refrain from using it again in the next few sentences. So instead of "erect penis" just use "erection." Being redundant in any form is distracting for readers and interrupts the flow you have in your writing. No one wants to read the same things or themes over and over again. Read this again and see where you can cut back on some of the info dump that you already imparted to us.

Also, there is not enough descriptive language (for my taste anyways) in certain scenes. The scene in the bedroom for example, I felt was rushed. Linger a bit longer there. Really give us a sense of what she's feeling, hearing, smelling, tasting, touching...always remember the five senses, six if you're wanting to impart what she's thinking as well.

Here's an example of what I mean: "She felt out of control in a it-feels-so-wrong-it-has-to-be-right kinda ways. Nathan’s skin on her palms felt so smooth. His bare, heaving chest pressed against hers, the heat of it making her shiver. She could feel his erection against her core, wet with her desire for him. She realized oddly, that she could sense the blood flowing through his veins; she could hear it rushing through her ears like a freight train. The smell of his blood, like roses and chocolate, inviting her to taste, to revel in it."

Or something like that... if you're going to write a "sexy" scene, as I like to call it, then you have to make it sexy and enticing. I learned to write like this by reading lots and lots of Paranormal Romance novels. J.R. Ward is one of my favorites. You should check her out.

Very nice start! With a few tweaks here and there you could have a solid beginning to a novel here. I look forward to reading more!


March 5th, 2012, 05:15 AM
Oh, you had me at sex and violence. I really enjoyed this piece, how she almost didn't do it, remembering her father's warning on first time users dying and then it happens to her, but in a totally unexpected way. I loved it!