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FrameOfDust
February 18th, 2012, 11:31 PM
EMERALD


Once upon a time there lived a little girl named Emerald. Emerald, along with her father, mother, and little brother, lived in a cottage not far from the city of the great King Eman. Emerald had always been taught to be kind and to look out for others first and also to never ever listen to or talk to goblins.


One night Emerald was laying in her bed thinking of how fun it had been playing queen of the trees that day when she heard a scuffling at her window. Suddenly up popped the most ugly looking head you could imagine and she immediately turned her head form it. But not before she saw that the creature had large yellow eyes and green skin and black hair that fell all around it. It was a goblin.


“Good evening madam” said the goblin in polite fashion as he climbed through the window “How do you do?”


Emerald remembered what her mother and father had told her and did not speak. But if only she would have listened when they had told her to call for help and call out the King’s name! But alas, she didn’t and so she sat there with her head turned away, rather frightened, but not speaking.


“Oh, come, come my dear, surely the cupboard of your manners isn’t as untidy as that,” spoke the goblin, trying to get a response without success.


“Ah, very well, don’t speak to me. But I will speak to you for I try to be respectable and look past the silly ways of children who don’t know what’s good for them. I have come to tell you something very wonderful. You my dear...I say YOU have been found to be, using to latest research techniques, the queen of all the universe.”
At this the goblin received not exactly what he desired but the next best thing: young Emerald turned her head to look at him, which proves that she had already been listening- which she should not have been.


“Yes, indeed, little maiden, you are indeed queen of the universe. I have the proof right here.”


The goblin proceeded to pull out four scrolls from a brown leather satchel, and then to unroll them. The first had an image of the earth, sun, moon, stars and other planets. The second had the image of the earth with the kingdom in which they lived. The third had an image of the kingdom along with her parent’ property. And the last had an image of her parents’ property along with her home.


“Look along with me child. As you can see, scroll on show that this planet in which we live upon is at the very center of the universe. The sun, moon, stars and planers circle us. Scroll number two show that this kingdom that you and your family live in is at the earth’s center (in reality that is an impossibility, but goblin maps always show the earth as flat). Are you following me, little girl?”


Emerald merely looked on with a slight nod.


“Good. Now, on the third scroll we see that in the very center of this kingdom is you family’s property, and lastly, if we look to the fourth scroll we see that the center of all this property is this house. Actually only a portion of this house and that portion is directly where we are standing now. Do you know what this means?”


Emerald stared at him without the foggiest notion.


“It means that your room is the center of the universe and that means you are the queen of the universe. The universe and everything in it is built around you. You are at it’s center and therefore YOU are it’s queen. The scrolls, based on the latest data, prove it.”


Now you and I know that those scrolls prove absolutely nothing, but goblins can sound very persuasive, especially to a girl who has already been pretending and wishing she was a queen.


“I, my dear,” the goblin continued, will return every night in order to teach you how to be a queen and not just any queen, but the greatest queen. Is that agreeable?”


Emerald still felt very uneasy about talking to the goblin, therefore she remained silent.


“If you can not speak how can you be queen” And you are not even showing kindness to the messenger of such grand news. Perhaps if we wait a few years you will be married and move away and then your brother will take this room and then he can be King of the universe. Perhaps he will be thankful.”


At this young Emerald finally gave the goblin what he wanted: she spoke to him, and not only that she also told him to return and teach her to be queen.


“Yes, you may come back. Teach me how to be queen and thank you ever so much for telling me.”


“That is much more like it, your majesty. I will indeed teach you and we will begin tomorrow night. I will take my leave now. Good evening.”
“Good evening to you.”


And with that, the goblin climbed out the window and was gone.


Over the following week the goblin came and went and he taught Emerald many things. All were bad. He taught her that everything was hers and everybody was supposed to listen to her and cater to all her whimsies and many other things. The more she listened to him to worse she became. Of course she didn’t take to all his teachings at once, but little by little they were growing on her, and her family noticed the change.


“What is happening to our precious Emerald?” asked her mother to her father. “She is slowly becoming rather selfish and mean. We must do something.”


“Indeed we must. I will speak with her today.” said her father.


No sooner had her father spoken these words than a scream came from the yard. They rushed to the door and what do you suppose they saw? The saw emerald with her hand raised about to strike her little brother.


“EMERALD!” Both her father and mother shouted.


Emerald stopped and looked them with a startled expression that comes from being ashamed of what you were about to do. Or perhaps it comes from being caught in the process of doing something you shouldn’t do. Either way, the look was upon her face.


“Come her this instant!” her father ordered in a tone with a sternness in it that she had never heard before.
Emerald turned from her brother and made her way to the cottage where she was sat down in a chair. They spoke to her a good while about how different she had begun to be lately. At first she was contrite but the more they spoke to her the more the startle she had received faded away and pride at being the queen of the universe began to rise again. Suddenly she looked at her parents in defiance and spoke thus:


“I am the queen of the universe. I AM the great queen and you have no right to talk to me like this. I demand you leave me alone and to tell that brother of min to keep hi hands off my things (for he was playing with a toy of hers and that is why she was bout to strike him).”


Now it was her parents turn to be startled. They looked at her puffy, angry face in awe and they knew what must be done. They both decided, not with words but simply with a look (husbands and wives who love each other very much can learn to do that) that they must take her to the King. The King was wonderful and kind and was always willing to settle the problems that occurred with wisdom and love. With great speed they dressed themselves in their best and with Emerald dragging her feet they set out for the castle.


Upon arriving they were admitted without delay. The King sat upon his throne looking powerful and wonderful and mighty and any other good thing there is, for He was very good, but he also looked grave. He was well aware why they had come, for he had eyes that saw everywhere, and it saddened his heart that this child had let herself be so deceived by the goblin.


“Oh, great King,” the father began, “over the past week our child has grown more and more unkind and today she was even going to strike her brother. What shall we do?”


The King stepped down from his throne and walked to Emerald. He knelt down in front of her and looked straight into her eyes. He didn’t speak a word aloud for a long time, but to this day Emerald will tell you that she heard Him deep inside her heart. And it made her weep for all her silliness.


“Emerald has been listening to and speaking with a goblin but do not be alarmed, all will be made right.” “Emerald,” he said turning to her, “ I have made a way by calling on my name to drive those evil creatures from this land and from you life. All you must do is tell him to leave by my name and he will. There is great power in my name. Emerald, you are not to listen to, speak with, or give any place whatsoever to that evil goblin. Do you understand all this?”


Emerald nodded her head and said “Yes sir.”


“Very good.” said the King.


At this they all said their thanks and left the castle. Upon arriving home Emerald apologized to her brother as well as to her parents. Then she went to bed. Before long she heard the familiar scuffling of the goblin. He climbed in the room thinking everything was as it had been the previous nights, but upon looking at her face her became troubled. For you see, her eyes had a wonderful glow in them.


“...Hullo, your majesty...might I ask how you are this evening...?”


Emerald didn’t give him the slightest bit of attention. Instead she shouted at the top of her lungs “King Eman told me not to have anything to do with you. Get out of my room in the name of Eman the King!”


Suddenly, all around her room beautiful sparkles shimmered in the air. Those sparkles began to take shape and there appeared a tall, powerful, lovely, and graceful looking being called Lyspir. His eyes were gorgeous and they seemed to shout “EMAN in the highest!”.


“Good evening madam,”He spoke “you called?”


“Indeed I did. A goblin has come into my room and I would like it thrown out. Now, where did her go?”


“Oh, the usual place little maiden.” replied Lyspir.


Lyspir then bent down beside her bed. Then with a little jerk he brought out a whining, struggling goblin. He then went to the window and threw the goblin far into the night sky. As soon as the goblin was in the air Lyspir turned and smiled at Emerald. He then kissed her on the cheek. Suddenly he began to sparkle and then he vanished.


“Well, wasn’t that wonderful? Thank you Eman...”whispered Emerald to herself(yet it must be said she was not the only one who heard) as she closed her eyes and sought to sleep.


The next day, Emerald was a great deal better then she had been. Her parents were proud of her for having dealt with the goblin as she did. The goblin came back more than once, but eventually he stopped for he got tired of being thrown out the window. Other goblins came by as well but she dealt with them all in the same way. And her life was a lot better for it.

bazz cargo
March 14th, 2012, 10:37 PM
Hi FOD,
An intriguing little story. Aimed at 5 ish I suppose. There a few typo's. And I think a few of the words are a bit out of the age range.

On the whole it was interesting, told clearly and if it was read to the child, there is enough opportunities for the reader to make comedic. I'm thinking of the flying goblins in particular.

Thanks for posting this, it made me smile.

courtneyanne9
March 16th, 2012, 06:19 PM
Very interesting story. I would think it's aimed more at 7- to 9-year-olds, so I thought the vocabulary was okay. But there are several places you should pare down unnecessary words. For example:

Your writing: Emerald turned from her brother and made her way to the cottage where she was sat down in a chair. They spoke to her a good while about how different she had begun to be lately.

Could be pared down to: Emerald turned from her brother and made her way to the cottage. Her parents sat her down and talked to her about how different she had been acting.

Read through and edit a few more times and this will be a great story. There is also some room to expand in many areas, though because it's aimed at young children, the length is pretty good for their attention span.

FrameOfDust
March 16th, 2012, 10:31 PM
Thanks for the feedback, I really appreciate it. You're right, It really does need a thorough revision. I am glad the overall impression it made was positive. Thanks!

RedFraggle
March 17th, 2012, 03:52 PM
I'm wondering what age range you are wanting to direct your story towards? bazz cargo thought 5ish, courtneyanne9 thought 7-9. I think it will help you focus your editing if you can identify which one of those age groups you are aiming for. I can see this as a picture book or a small chapter book, if you're going for a picture book you may not need quite so many descriptors.

My other thought is that you may want to expand a little on who Lyspir is and why, when she calls on King Eman, he comes. Your thread title suggest christian overtones, so I can see where you are going with that. I'm thinking rather than having him only say "you called?" something like "the king has sent me, because you called." Just a thought.

It's a nice story, I enjoyed it. I can see lots of opportunities for parents to talk to their children about various things, behavior, etc. after reading them this story.

FrameOfDust
March 17th, 2012, 04:39 PM
I didn't write it with any specific age in mind but I have always like the idea of it as a picture book. I have four of five more stories in this same vein that I think would be nice as a compilation story book. They all need work, though. I appreciate the advice and ideas. I liked how you picked up on the Christian 'angle' but still saw the moral avenue it opens up. That's really what I was going for; a morality tale with a slight Christian tilt.