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jamie's
February 6th, 2012, 06:14 PM
Exchanging today for yesterday



Was it a new day? I don't know. Indeed, how do we determine if the day is new? Maybe by the hoping which says to us that that day would offer us a feeling: ''Newsflash – you'll be happy''.

Yes, he wanted but one thing the day before: to be happy. And that morning he turned the alarm clock off, and realized that that day he had opened his eyes with the very same thought with which he closed his eyes before turning in the day before. She. She is so powerful – or better yet: the stuff that binds him and her is so powerful, that it takes over a whole spiritual territory – his territory – called thought.

This connection, the connection of the mighty conqueror of spiritual territories and hardships, which he felt that day too, wasn't unpleasant to him. It wasn't unpleasant because…How can love be unpleasant? He met her, her and love, at the most unusual place. At… Oh, who is he to judge what is, and where is found the most unusual place. Even if he were to decide to tell someone about their first time meeting, he would have said: ''…, but immagine your own ''most unusual''place, so you understand me better''.

She went away the day before. Went away to Ireland, she said.She said, she was going on her own. She going on her own? She who told him,told him that she admits to being most afraid of solitude wherever it may happen?

Was the next day St. Patrick's Day? No, it wasn't; For he really needed a belief in a better tomorrow. Such a belief is really needed by a man without the belief in a better today, a man like himself. She said, she was going to wake him up by phone that morning. She didn't.

He wanted to get in a better mood. He started to think about his childhood. Blessed is he with his parents of gold who love him and think the world of him, and who used to wipe the ice cream off his mouth and his little fingers when he was just a kid. The ice cream would sometimes be left uneaten. The size off it would beat the little fingers, and it would slip awayand fall on the park's path…exactly the way she slipped through his fingers the day before.

He turned the radio on. Song after song… He didn't like them.He wanted to turn the radio off, but he realized that he had the opportunity to excercise his optimism. Maybe some good songs come, maybe he gets the chance to sing some of them, or, even better, whistle them passionately. Maybe ''The Left-Handeds'' start to sing their song. The song from the album she gave him as a gift, and wrote the dedication with her left-handed handwriting. And ''The Left-Handeds'' started to sing. But, without her and his joining them.

He was feeling that the optimism was winning, which gave him strength to fight on. To fight on by expecting her phone call… By 24.00 Hrs that expectation demanded a lot of nerves, but it gave him something too. He got the feeling that he didn't have the greatest ability of controling his feeings and thoughts (sincerely, that ability he didn't want.) Let alone controling happenings. Neither the pleasant or the unpleasant ones. But, what if what we feel as unpleasant feelings, thoughts and happenings, don't exist at all…? Maybe the ''good'' and the ''bad'' things supplement each other, thus becoming one. One that comes out from a multitude, in the multitude of so many. One that is comforting us all the way until tomorrow. For the day of doubt makes for a long time.

MistressM
February 7th, 2012, 07:46 AM
I really loved how the opening sentence just grabbed me and stuffed me into the story straight away. I think that a lot of people could relate to this, of the wish for happiness, for love, forcing themselves to be optimistic and keep waiting for that phone call, the feeling of being helplessly in love... Unlike some stories that start out OK, you're walking down the road and POOF an alien appears in front of you and POOF you got transported to another planet and POOF the president of the Green Aliens Golf Club is telling you you need to save the world and POOF the world is saved and POOF you're back on earth again and you're a hero and you still have to do your maths homework, oh, and you've conveniently left your bike keys on Planet Green so how're you going to get to school? Lets go home and eat icecream! Yada yada yada. Your story is very down to earth and doesn't jump around, so I really like that.
Was it a mistake in paragraph one when it said "I don't know" then switched to third person for the rest of the story? Or was that just the character's thoughts? If it was his thoughts, or a narrator type short epilogue, maybe you could put it italics?
I would maybe change the "She" that's in italics in the part "She. She is so powerful " to "Her" instead. And if you wanted to have two consecutive "her"s, then something like "Her. Her power - or the power of what bound them together".
And I think the bit that says "She went away the day before. Went away to Ireland, she said.She said, she was going on her own. She going on her own? She who told him,told him that she admits to being most afraid of solitude wherever it may happen? ", maybe put something more like
"She went away the day before. To Ireland. Alone. Or so she said. Was she really going on her own? She, who had admitted to him that of all things, what she feared most was solitude?"
And also, make sure you have correct spelling, spaces, punctuation. Like the space after commas and full stops isn't always there, so maybe go back and fix that a bit.
Fantastic story overall! Well done!

jamie's
February 7th, 2012, 09:55 AM
I really loved how the opening sentence just grabbed me and stuffed me into the story straight away. I think that a lot of people could relate to this, of the wish for happiness, for love, forcing themselves to be optimistic and keep waiting for that phone call, the feeling of being helplessly in love... Unlike some stories that start out OK, you're walking down the road and POOF an alien appears in front of you and POOF you got transported to another planet and POOF the president of the Green Aliens Golf Club is telling you you need to save the world and POOF the world is saved and POOF you're back on earth again and you're a hero and you still have to do your maths homework, oh, and you've conveniently left your bike keys on Planet Green so how're you going to get to school? Lets go home and eat icecream! Yada yada yada. Your story is very down to earth and doesn't jump around, so I really like that.
Was it a mistake in paragraph one when it said "I don't know" then switched to third person for the rest of the story? Or was that just the character's thoughts? If it was his thoughts, or a narrator type short epilogue, maybe you could put it italics?
I would maybe change the "She" that's in italics in the part "She. She is so powerful " to "Her" instead. And if you wanted to have two consecutive "her"s, then something like "Her. Her power - or the power of what bound them together".
And I think the bit that says "She went away the day before. Went away to Ireland, she said.She said, she was going on her own. She going on her own? She who told him,told him that she admits to being most afraid of solitude wherever it may happen? ", maybe put something more like
"She went away the day before. To Ireland. Alone. Or so she said. Was she really going on her own? She, who had admitted to him that of all things, what she feared most was solitude?"
And also, make sure you have correct spelling, spaces, punctuation. Like the space after commas and full stops isn't always there, so maybe go back and fix that a bit.
Fantastic story overall! Well done!


Thanks, MistressM!:)
I'm a non native English speaker you see. I know what you mean: about my style and the use of English which are both connected; those things need some brushing up. I hope by writing more and more in English I'll become better.
Bye,
jamie's

bazz cargo
March 4th, 2012, 10:43 PM
The first sentence is good.
You have a great writer's imagination and a lot of flair, but sadly the technical side is still in need of some work.
Try some very short (one or two sentence) pieces and I will try and help with your spag. This size is destined to cause more confusion than help.
More power to you for trying.

AuthorsKeep
March 7th, 2012, 05:14 AM
this sounds so sweet honestly, i'm not good with grammar myself, but it sounds like a beautiful story that is filled with both anticipation and joy. it almost makes you excited along with them to expect her phone call and make the day perfect.

jamie's
March 9th, 2012, 08:12 PM
The first sentence is good.
You have a great writer's imagination and a lot of flair, but sadly the technical side is still in need of some work.
Try some very short (one or two sentence) pieces and I will try and help with your spag. This size is destined to cause more confusion than help.
More power to you for trying.

Hi, bazz c.,
Thank You for Putting a good word,
As for chosing a couple of sentences as you are suggesting -- just maybe you could do it; maybe you could chose the sentences of the story, and please assist me as you see fit,
Bye,
jamie's

jamie's
March 9th, 2012, 08:14 PM
this sounds so sweet honestly, i'm not good with grammar myself, but it sounds like a beautiful story that is filled with both anticipation and joy. it almost makes you excited along with them to expect her phone call and make the day perfect.

Hi, AuthorsK,
Welcome to the Forum:)
Many Thanks for your commenting,
Bye,
jamie's

bazz cargo
March 9th, 2012, 11:15 PM
He was feeling that the optimism was winning, which gave him strength to fight on.
There is something of the poetic in your writing. I'm not sure if making it more grammatically correct will add to it but as an exercise there is value in trying.

He felt optimistic which gave him the strength to fight on.

He felt(past tense) optimistic which(action) gave him <the> strength to fight on.(still past tense).

In poetry a writer can use 'flowery language', when writing a story it usually takes a plainer set of words to communicate with greater clarity. The reader must understand what a writer is on about or they will lose interest.

What you have written here is a poem in disguise. A very good poem. Not very heavily disguised. It is a remarkably attractive piece.

There is a significant improvement over your last work.
Regards
Bazz

RedSuinit
March 9th, 2012, 11:36 PM
This is much better than most of your other works here. It is well written, and the ideas behind it are very good, but your grammar could always be improved. English is not your first language correct? I must say though, your grammar is impressive considering that fact.

jamie's
March 14th, 2012, 03:46 PM
Thanks Guys, Much Appreciated:)
I've got a new thread in the General Fiction Section, so you could drop by and leave some criticism(s),
Bye,
jamie's

iykewifey
March 14th, 2012, 04:01 PM
There is something about your story that makes one to continue reading,

nice try,,,am learning aswel,English is my second language.

jamie's
March 14th, 2012, 04:17 PM
There is something about your story that makes one to continue reading,

nice try,,,am learning aswel,English is my second language.

Hi, iykewifey,
Many Thanks&Welcome to the Forum:)
You've made my day, here you'll be soon on your way:)
Bye,
jamie's