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View Full Version : The Hooded Man Part 1 (~3,000 words)



Dramatism
February 5th, 2012, 05:15 AM
LAST EDIT: 2/7 (little changed)

Before I begin, I find it necessary to point a few things out about the nature of this story. As you can see by the comments below, many have thought my intro was weak so I tried very hard to fix that. If you get past the first few paragraphs, I guarantee it'll be much better, though I think I have improved my first few paragraphs immensely.

I would also like to say that this short story is apart of an anthology involving everyday people in surreal situations. My point is that I may not describe the main character much, and even say her name at all (except maybe when another character is talking to her), but that's because this anthology is about people and not one particular person. The bigger reason for that will be explained in the last short story which will wrap them all up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A middle-aged woman left her bathroom after she finished getting ready for the night. She snuggled in her bed next to her husband, and turned off the nightstand light. He put his arm around her affectionately, and she touched it back. She didn't feel like talking, or anything else for that matter. It had been a long day at work since everything that could go wrong did. She just wanted the day to be over, and thankfully, now it could be.




She closed her eyes, and hoped that she’d be able to fall asleep quickly. She had to travel two towns over for work the next day, so that involved waking up early. She was going to get up at four in the morning, so she needed sleep now more than ever.




But sleep didn’t come too easily for her. Her thoughts kept playing over and over on the presentation she would have to give tomorrow at the meeting. They were like an ear worm, the same scenes were playing over and over in her head and there was no use trying to stop it, unless she was to think of something else with equal emotion. And oh, she did think of things with more emotion. One of the thoughts that passed through her mind was the time she fell off her bike from going down the ‘scary hill' when she was seven. Her older brother dared her to go down the hill with her because she'd always been such a scaredy cat before. Of course, she followed through with the dare because older brothers are able to convince little sisters to do things they usually wouldn't want to. She fell rather hard, though she didn't go far. Pressing firmly on her brakes were to blame. She sprained her ankle and skinned her knee pretty badly, and she was scarred for life. But whenever she’d think of that memory or another equally horrifying memory, it would only pass through her mind once or maybe twice, until the same freak-out thoughts for his presentation would come through. If only worries could be erased. But finally, her worries slipped into the back of her mind as sheer exhaustion overtook her, and she fell into a deep sleep.




She was sitting in her comfy recliner: her special recliner her mother gave her when she moved out. It’s red and rather tattered, but full of memories. She had the newspaper in hand, and she read the title of the headline. It read: Another Life Ended By ‘The Hooded Killer.’ She looked at the picture, which was of this ‘Hooded Killer’. His face wasn’t shown at all, but was covered entirely with a hood. He was wearing a hooded robe of some sort. None of his body was shown at all. There was no draw strap below the neck.

Her breath caught in her throat, and she suddenly became very scared. She looked about after realizing that she no longer felt the newspaper in her hands. After looking all around her, she thought she was stupid; of course it must have fallen. But when she looked down it wasn’t there. She also looked under the recliner, but it wasn’t there either. She shook her head and was able to convince herself that she never had the newspaper in the first place.




Then, she got this feeling that she should look over to her right by the window overlooking the city. When she looked, nothing happened, but she still thought it was necessary to go by the window. When she made it to the window, she felt a soothing sensation, as if her husband were there massaging her back. She let the pleasure over take her, and closed her eyes, screaming with pleasure. She looked behind her in order to look at her husband lovingly, but when she turned around no one was there. She continued to turn, convinced that he was just moving along with her because the pleasurable massaging sensations were still occurring.




At that moment, she found herself falling from the now open window, and was plummeting to the traffic below. Before she could question how this happened, she noticed a black figure by the window. And then it did the unthinkable: it waved to her. She couldn’t tell if it was a ‘hey’ wave or a ‘you’re dead’ wave, but she wasn’t able to mull through this for long, because a second later, her body crashed to the pavement soundlessly.




She woke up sweating profusely. Her husband was still soundly asleep beside her, but she couldn’t stop breathing hard, even though she knew it was over. It was just a dream, after all. She’s never acted this way after waking up from a dream. Actually, she hasn’t remembered the last time that she’s dreamed. This dream was so vivid and so realistic- her condo in her dream looks exactly like it does in real life. Everything from the fish drapes on the window, to the little picture of her mother as a girl was to a perfect tee. And then of course, there was the deep feeling of foreboding throughout the whole dream. She knew something was going to happen… and then it did. As for the hooded man, she tried to convince herself that he was hilarious, now that she was trying to brush it off, thinking that a dream isn’t worth fussing about. Besides, she really had to get back to bed so she’d be able to do well on that presentation today… she looked at the clock, and it was already two thirty. God, I really only have three more hours until I have to get going… she thought.




After the meeting had ended, she wiped her brow and sighed loudly. She didn’t die; she delivered her presentation better than she had hoped. She doesn’t often have to speak for her job, but on rare occasions, it happens. It was funny, her job. It involved hyping up toilet paper, since she was in the advertising business. She had to show her new advertisement for it since she’s a graphics designer. Saying that it is- ‘so soft it feels like you’re on a cloud’, seemed rather humorous and silly at first, but now it felt as common place to her as, ‘do well in school, and don’t do drugs’ is to a teenager. Cheesy sayings and ads are a part of the territory. Since she always loved art, she figured that a career involving it would be her best bet. When she was a teenager she had hoped that she’d be able to be a Disney Pixar designer, but that never panned out. Besides, as her mother put it, ‘being in the advertising business is ‘safe’’.




She looked around to see everyone else getting out of their seats, and were headed to the room next door where lunch was catered in. She was so lost in thought that she didn’t want to get up quite yet. She watched as the last person was out of the door. No one had said anything to her such as, ‘hey, aren’t you hungry?’, because none of them were her friends. Though she loved her job well enough, she’s always thought that the people in the business aren’t that friendly. Or, maybe she’s just not likable enough for them.



Suddenly, she felt something hurting inside her head. No, it wasn’t a headache, that’s for sure; it felt like something was scratching inside her skull. But not the positive kind of scratch, it felt like a needle was slowly going up and down her head. She held her head in agony. It hurt so much that she didn’t even consider how improbable it was. Sure, some people may have had similar experiences, but if this has never happened in her life, why would it start now?




She looked outside. It was a beautiful sunny day, not a cloud in the sky. But then she blinked and when she opened them, the sky was as pitch as night, and it was so cloudy that no moonlight could seep through. She rubbed her eyes- refusing to believe this- even though her eyes were full of makeup. She looked at her hands in disgust when she saw all the makeup that came off. From the intense pain in her head, her eyes had watered a little, so that only aided in getting her makeup off. So, she ran off, scared of how the dark came about and also so that she could fix her makeup in the restroom. She didn't want anyone to see her horrible eyes! It wasn’t often that she would run in her old age, but it also wasn’t often that such strange things would happen to her either. Once in the lady’s room, she could forget it anyway.




When she was out in the empty hall, she forgot where the restrooms were. At least she didn’t see the dark sky anymore. She turned to her left and looked in the room where her colleagues were having their lunch. They were all eating and chatting, they didn’t care that she wasn’t there. No one noticed her out there. She didn’t want to ask anyone where the restrooms were, not only because she didn’t particularly like anyone here, but also because of the makeup smeared on her face. So, she decided to continue on in the direction she was headed. It had to be somewhere. She looked through every door in vain, because obviously normal looking doors aren’t where a restroom would be. She continued without letting herself freak. In an everyday situation, this wouldn’t be anything to freak over. But after that episode, it wouldn’t take much to scare her.




When she was about halfway down the immense hallway, the needle scratching came back. She held her head and massaged it, even though it didn’t help with her pain at all. The needle scratching seemed to be scratching from the front of her skull to the back, so on a whim she turned around. Maybe the restroom was on the other side of the hall after all. As she turned around, the pain diminished, and she sighed in relief. The lessoning pain made her slow down, but when it started to appreciate in intensity, she started to speed walk. It felt even better than it did before. The faster she walked, the better her head felt. And then, she started running, and even sprinting, the fastest she’d gone in decades. Now, the pain was just a sliver in her head. She laughed, at first child like, but it turned demented. The pain was almost gone!




Suddenly, the pain started to come back in full force, and she was so surprised by it that she tripped and screamed in pain- it was almost like she had no control over her vocal cords. She just wanted to lie there, but when it lessoned up a bit, she got up. It hurt again, so she tested her pain. She kept walking straight and it hurt more, but when she turned around, the pain alleviated. She looked to her right after walking a bit, and she finally noticed the restroom. She sighed with relief, and went inside. Finally, the pain was gone again, subsequently she decided to laugh joyously. Thankfully, no one was in the lady’s room, or she would’ve been looked at like she was insane.




She went to the mirror and frowned at her reflection. Her makeup was more smeared than she thought. She dug around in her purse, and took out a makeup remover pad, mascara, eyeliner, and eye shadow and put them on the counter. Her mother always carried her makeup and even her makeup remover pads in her purse when she was younger, so she developed the habit too. She always used to say that, ‘you never know when you’re going to need to spruce up your makeup’. Though she never thought there would be a time, she put her makeup in her purse too, when she was old enough for a purse. And now that the time has come that she needed to spruce up her makeup, she silently thanked her mother.




She wiped her eye down with the pad, and started applying her eyeliner first. When she had perfectly rimmed eyes, she reached down for her eye shadow. She put her hand exactly where she had set it down, but it wasn’t there. She moved her hand around the counter near her. She looked down, but she didn’t see the rest of her makeup or her purse. Her heart started to thud. She lost her purse! But oh wait- she thought- my stuff could have fallen, I guess… She looked under the counter, and searched frantically for her purse, but it wasn’t there! So, she decided that someone sneaky must have come into the restroom and stolen her purse!




She busted out of the lady’s room and hysterically searched for someone walking away, but, she didn’t see anyone. But of course someone could have easily gone into any of the nearby rooms, so she decided to check them. She peered into the room directly in front of the restroom, which looked like a big office for an important person. She just saw one person typing away on the computer, with no sign of her pink leather purse. At least she would be able to find it easily. Pink stands out more than brown or black. So, she quickly went over to the next room. This room was an empty conference room, so she went to the next one. The next room was a large office with many cubicles, so she went inside. She walked casually with purpose around the office, using her peripheral vision to look for any sign of pink. She wrapped her way around the whole room and never saw any sign of it. She sighed, but it wasn’t over.




She took the elevator down to the first floor to see the receptionist. She walked over to one of the ladies, trying to look as un-frazzled as possible.




“Hello, I would like to report a stolen purse…”




The receptionist looked at her with soft, concerned eyes, “What happened to your purse?”




“I set it down, and then someone took it without my seeing."




“Alright, what room did this happen in?”




“The lady’s room on floor seven.”




She started typing the report on her computer, and asked her a few questions so that she could be contacted later, such as her full name and phone number.




“We’ll get back to you as soon as we can with information on your purse.” She turned from sweet and understanding to cold and uncaring. She was already looking at the next person in line. “But… don’t you have security cameras or something?”




“I’m sure we do, possibly. But that isn’t my department. Now please- there are other people needing something.”




She couldn’t stand for that! Her purse had been stolen! She wasn’t playing around. Though not often forceful, she felt the need to be now. “No, I’m not going. Not until I see that footage! Could you get someone who knows something about the security cameras?” The receptionist did just as she asked without question. Maybe she should be forceful more often! She called in someone named ‘Ponzy’. Interesting name… she thought.




“Someone will be here for you in a few minutes, so could you please sit down until then? Thanks.”

She did as she was told; glad to get away from that rude receptionist. She had to wait for a good ten minutes or so, and she started to get anxious. She almost wanted to go up to the receptionist again and ask her when he said he’d come, but she didn't.




Finally, an authoritative large man came walking in. He said, “Someone wanted to see me?” She stood up and walked up to him, “Yes, that was me.” “So, you lost your purse, ma’am?” “Yeah, I did…” “Well, come with me and let’s see if we can’t sort through some recent footage…”




She followed him to the elevator, and he pressed the top floor which is floor twelve. The wait in the elevator was excruciatingly uncomfortable, what with the lack of conversation and all, but what would she say anyway? ‘Do you like your job of sitting through hours of watching security camera footage?’ That would be an awkward, strange conversation, especially since she didn’t care. She didn’t even know what he did exactly, except that that was a part of his job.




They walked to the end of the hall and went through a ‘staff only’ door which was opened by one of his many keys on his belt. They walked into a room with a single large computer which she thought was odd. She’s always pictured rooms like these to have lots of screens, but there’s probably a way to open up the footage of more than one camera, so it made sense.




“So, you said you were on floor seven, right?” “Yes.” He was sitting down at the computer and pulled up footage from every camera from the seventh floor. “Oh- take a seat…” She rolled the swivel chair he was pointing at over to the computer.




“Okay- let’s see… there’s only one restroom on that floor.” Figures, she thought. He rewound the footage to when she was in there and played it out. The camera only showed the sinks, mirrors, trash cans, and paper towels, not inside the actual stalls.




She saw no one in the restroom, except for her. The whole time it played through, she was staring at her purse to see where it would go. She was so transfixed on it that she didn’t even blush over how she had acted- now that a guy was staring at her half hour ago self.




It was almost to the point where her purse got stolen, but the camera started going blurry. “Huh, that’s odd,” He said. “I’ve never had a camera malfunction before.”



But she didn’t even hear him, because the pain was back in her head. It scratched her head randomly. Scratch….scratch……..scratch…..scratch, scratch.

The Backward OX
February 5th, 2012, 06:58 AM
It looks like you might have an interesting story there. What you need is lots more practice at your craft. I found five six seven eight examples of poor writing in the first sentence alone.

“A woman of middle age”. This’d be more interesting if “A” were to be replaced with “The”.

“woman of middle age” sounds stiff and formal. What’s wrong with “middle-aged woman”?

“exited her bathroom” times two. Firstly, there’s this dreadful habit people have of using as verbs, words whose function should only be as nouns. Exit is a noun. Converting it to a verb is plain laziness. And secondly, even if you disagree with my verb/noun divide, and insist on using the word as a verb, you’re still being stiff and formal. Trains exit stations, people leave rooms.

“after she finished washing up for the night”. I don’t think too many women would care to hear what they do, in preparation for bed, being described as “washing up”. Washing up is what they do in the kitchen after clearing the dinner table. I’m not going to suggest what to use here, I’m going to let you figure it out. You need the practice.

“exited the bathroom AND snuggled in bed, AND turned off her light.” Too many uses of “and”. Replace the first “and” with a comma and get rid of the comma after “husband”.

“nightstand’s light” sounds awkward. There’re at least two other ways to say this; one of them is simply “bed lamp”.

“making it dark”. I think readers will assume this for themselves without being told. Get rid of it.

Like I said, the story looks interesting. You’ve got lots of work ahead of you to make it readable. Good luck.

Zerin
February 5th, 2012, 02:22 PM
I agree with Blackward, the plot and where it's leading is good but you need to work on your sentances.

"A woman of middle age exited her bathroom after she finished washing up for the night and snuggled in her bed next to her husband, and turned off her nightstand’s light, making it dark". It would sound better if you broke it up more and became less formal, for example: "The middle aged women left her bathroom after *write one or two thing's women do before bed - not "wash up"*. She snuggled into the bed next to her husband and turned off the light casting the room into darkness".

I'm not going to go though the entire story but I will suggest you break up a few more sentances as you mostly use complex ones. A reader will find it easier to read if you use both complex (long) sentances and simple ones (short) as it's easier on the eye and mind.

However this is something I would read and enjoy. :)

Dramatism
February 6th, 2012, 04:15 AM
Thank you for the help! I did start the story formal I suppose, but would you guys agree that I didn't continue that way all the way through? Plus, my stories usually are very unformal because I usually write them in first person, but because of the nature of the stories from this anthology (yup, this is a part of an anthology), it was necessary to put it in this POV. And based on that and not saying her name at all, I figured a little formality was necessary. But, maybe not. And as for the nightstand's light (LOL, that's just the first way I could think of it again), I said it made it dark because there could be an overhead light on as well, I wanted to make that clear, but maybe it's not necessary.

And Zerin, I suppose I don't really look at sentence structure too much. What I write is what I first think of off the top of my head, though of course I re-read. I never look too much into sentence structure when I edit, but maybe I should.

EDIT: LOL, I think I should try to edit my first paragraph more than the rest... because as I'm reading it over and correcting it again, I only found big issues there... I'm so glad I joined this forum! On the other site I post stuff on, no one ever thinks anything is wrong with it! I love how this is making me think more...

Dramatism
February 6th, 2012, 05:03 AM
Alright, I've edited it. Though, I think the worst of it was all you two read. I don't think you, Backward OX, read the whole thing either? I especially looked at sentence structure. I really do use complex sentences a lot! I tried my best to cut out some of them, but I felt most of them needed to be complex. Hopefully I still have enough simple sentences! I suppose that one could say that many complex sentences are apart of my style? I mean, there are some authors that are known for simple sentences and what not, though I can't think of names right now...

Zerin
February 6th, 2012, 01:45 PM
I think what you have is very good and I can understand that your style is to use complex sentances. I do have a preferance for a mixed sentanced style but that's just me! Different readers prefer different things and because I natually write in a rather mixed way I think I find it easier to read something that is like that. However if that is how you prefer to write then that is up to you. I have a saying: "Write for yourself, not your friends, your teachers or anyone else because your worse critic is you and if you can not please you what chance does anyone else have?" Anyway, back to the point of why I looked this up again, it is VERY good to the point I just had to read it again!

The Backward OX
February 6th, 2012, 02:30 PM
I don't think you, Backward OX, read the whole thing either?

You're right, I didn't. After reading the first little bit I decided to quit while I was ahead: I wanted to get home for Christmas :icon_compress:

Jeko
February 6th, 2012, 05:51 PM
I'll be honest - I haven't read it all either. I will shortly, but first, I will comment on the first steps I take into your world.


A middle-aged woman left her bathroom after she finished getting ready for the night.

I won't go on about the lexical choice here, but rather its function. This is the first line, but I get little feeling here becasue of a lack of description. I can't see this woman as much as I'd want to - her presence is really a blur. even though this is clearly a main character, nothing is doe to shout it to me other than the fact she is the first person mentioned.


She had to travel two towns over in order to discuss a new deal her company was working on, so that involved waking up early. She was going to get up at four in the morning, so she needed sleep now more than ever.

You nearly lost me here. This is jsut the excuse for the action of sleep, which I don't need. She's tired - that I know. as far as I am concerned, these words are wasted.



She had badly skinned her knee. She still had a scar from that.

I've got a violent, moving image, but to show it I am givn short sentences. The pacing doesn't work with the picture presented - i'd combine these into one tale of her accident.


Oh, if only you could erase your worries… But finally, her worries slipped into the back of her mind as sheer exhaustion took front seat.

I have numerous things wrong with this line. Firstly, this is the second time you've used theword 'oh', which really doesn't work for me. It kills the tension and atmoshpere. The ellipsis isn't necessary, and diverts my attention to its use rather than focusing on the story. Finally, I don't get the 'front seat' metaphor. If you are elluding to the concept of driving, it doesn't work, because there is a front passenger seat, and all I'm thinking of now is all the tiredness sitting in the passenger seat. Also, 'front seat' is, I believe, a term to denote confidence, which doesn't match up to the concept of tiredness. It might just be me, but I can't really get this line.

Overall, I do not feel hooked, which is essential if you want to build any form of tension. I would revise the first few paragraphs to ensure that you are presenting something exciting in an exciting way. I don't know how good the story is overall, and I'm hoping that it is good, but I can't feel inside it unless I am captivated by the introduction.

Dramatism
February 7th, 2012, 12:29 AM
I'll be honest - I haven't read it all either. I will shortly, but first, I will comment on the first steps I take into your world.



I won't go on about the lexical choice here, but rather its function. This is the first line, but I get little feeling here becasue of a lack of description. I can't see this woman as much as I'd want to - her presence is really a blur. even though this is clearly a main character, nothing is doe to shout it to me other than the fact she is the first person mentioned.

That's actually the point! I don't want you to get too attached to her. This short story (well, the beginning of it), is apart of an anthology... and it's about many everyday people. Besides that, I can't overly explain why. My last story to wrap them up would pretty much explain it...





You nearly lost me here. This is jsut the excuse for the action of sleep, which I don't need. She's tired - that I know. as far as I am concerned, these words are wasted.

I hear what you're saying, maybe it was an excuse at first, but I go into great depth about the next day after the meeting. Should I not mention that still? I figured it was not only mentioning how tired she was, but also how she'd be at a meeting the next day, versus I just randomly start talking about it.





I've got a violent, moving image, but to show it I am givn short sentences. The pacing doesn't work with the picture presented - i'd combine these into one tale of her accident.


Perhaps so. But like I said before, it's not so much her life that's necessary... It's people in general. So, in certain instances I brush on the surface. I don't in every way... again, I can't explain it well. I suppose it wouldn't hurt to explain it more, though.





I have numerous things wrong with this line. Firstly, this is the second time you've used theword 'oh', which really doesn't work for me. It kills the tension and atmoshpere. The ellipsis isn't necessary, and diverts my attention to its use rather than focusing on the story. Finally, I don't get the 'front seat' metaphor. If you are elluding to the concept of driving, it doesn't work, because there is a front passenger seat, and all I'm thinking of now is all the tiredness sitting in the passenger seat. Also, 'front seat' is, I believe, a term to denote confidence, which doesn't match up to the concept of tiredness. It might just be me, but I can't really get this line.


Yeah, maybe I could take that out. There are numerous words I use a lot, such as 'but' and 'and' (though I'm sure everyone uses those a lot), but 'oh' could easily be taken out. I can't see everything. But, I'll fix that now. And, I made them two simple sentences because I was trying to take out many of my complex sentences. LOL.

I added the elipsis to make it seem like a sentence fading away...and I also use them myself a lot when simply posting like I just did. That's what goes on in my mind so why I type it, but I can understand why most people don't add them much to writing. I can delete it though.

You know, in speech we learned the other day how certain phrases and words mean different things to different people. 'Took front seat' simply means that her exhaustion became more important than her thoughts is all. But maybe not too many people would think of that when they think of those phrases, so again I can change that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And, is the last thing you commented on where you left off? Because, LOL, that's where it starts to get interesting. But certainly I see your point.

Dramatism
February 7th, 2012, 02:11 AM
Alright, I edited it again, though mostly the first few paragraphs since I think those were the weakest. That's the most annoying area to be the worst since most of you didn't read the rest of it which was much better....

Jeko
February 7th, 2012, 05:51 PM
Good rewrite of the opening sections. Even though I'd read it before, I enjoyed it more. It made me excited about the rest of the story.

A few niggles:


She fell rather badly, though she didn't go far. Pressing hard on her brakes were to blame. She sprained her ankle and skinned her knee pretty badly, and she was scarred for life.

The first sentence is great, but the second has some faulty syntax that sort of breaks the image. 'Badly' is repeated twice; I'd take out the second one. Also, the repetition of 'she' gets in the way of the imagery a bit. To show you what I mean...

She fell rather badly, though she didn't go far. Pressing too hard on her brakes, she sprained her ankle and skinned her knee, and was scarred for life.

That's as well as I can do with that line, but I still feel it lacks something. Probably just me, though. You don't have to use that - just make it feel like the image is coming straight from the woman's mind.


If the woman is meant to have less focus on details, then that's fine by me. The comments you put at the top really put it all into perspective now.



She still dislikes going down big hills on bikes.

The present tense feels a bit out of place here.


If only you could erase your worries.

Again, feels a bit out of place because you're now talking to me. The attention to the woman wavers, as does the tension building around her.


But finally, her worries slipped into the back of her mind as sheer exhaustion overtook her.

Still think that there is something iffy here.

'Sheer exhaustion is the best term, but it is related to the woman despite being in conflict with her 'worries'. Direct the action of the exhaustion to the worries, and it should feel better.

But finally, her worries slipped into the back of her mind as sheer exhaustion overtook them, sending the woman into a deep sleep.


Overall, the introduction is now very good, even with those things I mentioned above. It informs and sets the scene without compromising pace or interest. I feel spurred on to read the rest of it; hence, I shall.

Dramatism
February 8th, 2012, 01:13 AM
Thanks for the help, I fixed much of what you suggested! I hope I won't have to fix so much for the next part. I'll re-read it more than twice, I suppose and I'll look for similar things. How many times do you guys have to edit your stories? Or, maybe it isn't that much since you guys just know what to look for now.

Jeko
February 8th, 2012, 09:45 AM
I've lost count of how many times i've changed my work. I wrote around 60 pages of my new WIP recently, but now I'm rewriting them all - even the bits I like.

Madaddicted
February 9th, 2012, 01:33 AM
Hey Dramatism. It's hard to explain but this story does seem to flow better this time around! It's also interesting what The Backward OX (http://www.writingforums.com/members/the-backward-ox.html) said about using verbs. I am so guilty of that lol. As for how many times *I* edit? I edit as I write. Then after I'm done I usually read over the whole thing at least 5 times, changing my wording as I go. I'm looking forward to Part 2 of The Hooded Man :smile2:

Dramatism
February 9th, 2012, 03:22 AM
I know, I probably am too, Madaddicted. Obviously I am at least once.

You read it five times? I usually do once, maybe twice simply because I just want to get it out. LOL. I guess I should do it more, and look for certain things.

EDIT: Oh, and I'm 2/3 done with the writing part for the next one, that is, if I make it 3,000 words like this one. Hopefully I'll get it done in a few days, but I have work for the next 3 days, so we'll see.

Lalaley
February 9th, 2012, 05:04 PM
I hadn't read your original post, only this edited version.

I like the idea, I am thinking it is some kind of thriller? However, I found it quite difficult to follow.

I think you need to work more on the link from the present into the past. (3rd paragraph) You also repeat 'over and over' twice in around two sentences, so you might want to reword that.


He said, “Someone wanted to see me?” She stood up and walked up to him, “Yes, that was me.” “So, you lost your purse, ma’am?” “Yeah, I did…” “Well, come with me and let’s see if we can’t sort through some recent footage…”

There is no break in your dialouge here. I was always taught to start a new line when different people speak. If it were me, I would probably write something like...

“Someone wanted to see me?”
“Yes, that was me,” She said, getting to her feet
“So, you lost your purse, ma’am?” the woman nodded, “Well, come with me and let’s see if we can’t sort through some recent footage…”

(This is the first critque I have ever written, so sorry if its a bit pants! :encouragement:)

Dramatism
February 9th, 2012, 09:45 PM
I hadn't read your original post, only this edited version.

I like the idea, I am thinking it is some kind of thriller? However, I found it quite difficult to follow.

How do you find it difficult to follow?




I think you need to work more on the link from the present into the past. (3rd paragraph) You also repeat 'over and over' twice in around two sentences, so you might want to reword that.


What do you mean, work on the link on the link from the present into the past?

Also, I looked through the 3rd paragraph, and I only said 'over and over' once. Do you not like when I say over twice? I've heard it said both ways, over being said once and twice, and I simply like to say over twice.



There is no break in your dialouge here. I was always taught to start a new line when different people speak. If it were me, I would probably write something like...

“Someone wanted to see me?”
“Yes, that was me,” She said, getting to her feet
“So, you lost your purse, ma’am?” the woman nodded, “Well, come with me and let’s see if we can’t sort through some recent footage…”

(This is the first critque I have ever written, so sorry if its a bit pants! :encouragement:)

That's true, I tend to only add extra text in between if I can think of something necessary in between the dialogue. If there are only two people and nothing has changed, I don't find it important. I suppose there are some things I could say in those instances there, but at other times, I know there isn't. Sometimes you just talk and little changes worthy of mentioning.

What do you mean this critique is 'pants'? LOL! You went well with it, though I was a little confused with a few parts. I myself am bad at critiques! I just don't know what to say. I just write, and correcting isn't always the easiest for me.

Lalaley
February 9th, 2012, 10:05 PM
How do you find it difficult to follow?

Sorry, I am dyslexic and awful at explaining myself, but I will give it a go. I guess it was the sentence structure, possibly, that made it hard for me to follow it. Although, 'follow' might not be the right word. It made it difficult to hold my attention. However, that may just be down to the nature of my dyslexia, and I guess the fact that the majority of the sentences were (as someone mention previously) complex. And, with all due respect, the words used were quite ordinary. Isn't there some kind of saying, or what have you, that goes something like 'Why use five words when one will do?' Or have I just made that up?


Her thoughts kept playing over and over on the presentation she would have to give tomorrow at the meeting. They were like an ear worm, the same scenes were playing over and over in her head and there was no use trying to stop it, unless she was to think of something else with equal emotion. That is where you repeat 'over and over' in two sentences. :)


What do you mean, work on the link on the link from the present into the past?

I just didn't feel as though there was a smooth transition into the flashback.

About the dialogue, I wasn't necessarily talking about the in-betweens, more the lack of spacing. I only added those bits to help with my example. But, you notice how I deleted the woman's reply and said she nodded. I did that to show how it isn't always necessary to write the words, saying she nodded is showing that she has lost her purse. And it also helps break up the dialogue.

Pants = a bit rubbish!

I find it hard to explain why I have the opinion that I do. I know in my head, but I find it terribly difficult to find the right words. :)