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Raptor980
February 2nd, 2012, 05:28 AM
One of many stories I'm working on. I need some critique.

The U.S.S. Admiral
“Captain, we’ve got rather strange activity forty fathoms down,” The young seaman told his captain wearily.
“You sure?The captain examined the Sonar screen carefully, “They are giving the standard U.S. signal. It’s probably just another training exercise.”
“We tried communicating with them. They haven’t responded back.” The seaman pushed.
“Give them five minutes. If they don’t respond within five minutes, contact me.” The captain shuffled over to another man. “Get me a secure line to the Aircraft Control Center.”
“Yes sir Captain.” The man got on the phone line.
A messenger boy passed the captain with a stack of papers.
“You! Get me a cup of coffee.” The captain barked at the young messenger.
“Yes sir.”
“Sir, the secure line you wanted.” The phone operator said.
The captain walked through the command center towards him.
Before the captain could reach the phone, the young seaman called for him, “Captain! They are sending us a message. You’ve got to hear his.”
“Keep the line up.” The captain jogged toward the young seaman.
“Sir, the coffee you asked for.”
“Not now Newman!” The captain pushed him aside. The experienced seaman handed him the headset.
A unintelligible sound filled the captain’s ears. It sounded like a harsh crunching of gears and metal.
“Prepare for battle!” The captain boomed throughout the whole command center. He made his way toward the phone as the crew members started ordering battlefield protocol to one another. “Aircraft Control, send the fighter planes out and prepare for battle. If I’m right, we’re in serious trouble. We will not lose this carrier!”
The ship jolted suddenly with such force that most of the crew members were thrown to the floor.
The captain stumbled to his feet and yelled, “Battle stations everyone! We will not lose this ship!”
The ship jolted again, but the captain stayed up with tenacity. Cursing his luck, the captain furiously made his way through the command center.

(I think I use captain too much)

LaughinJim
February 2nd, 2012, 06:47 AM
Is there more of this? I think those interested might need to see a more lengthy excerpt to give you some helpful feedback. You do use the word captain too often as you surmised. Consider 'ship's commander'(I say ship's commander to distinguish it from the naval rank of commander) 'skipper' 'ship's master"(a little archaic but it might work in the right place) you could describe him a bit and then refer to a characteristic described, the rank of captain bears the eagle insignia, you could use that. I really hate to refer to writing exercises but how about, after brainstorming a bit, making a list of all of the possible subjects synonymous with captain. That might help.

The paragraphs are very short. You should double space between them to make it easier on the reader's eyes as I think this post editor makes tabs disappear if you try to indent.

Looking forward to seeing some more of it.

Peace, or should I say: War.

SeaBee1
February 2nd, 2012, 02:31 PM
Personally, I love a good war story. I watch the Military History channel whenever possible. I read Tom Clancy.

As a former USN SeaBee, I can tell you that some research on how activity on the bridge of a warship is conducted will be helpful. Also study the Navy rates aboard ship. For example, the messenger you mentioned would probably be a "yeoman". "Seaman" can be almost any rate, from "Bosons Mate" to "Radarman" to "Gunners Mate".

Additionally, I agree with Jim's comments. This should be fleshed out a bit more so we can get a better look.

Best regards

CB

Raptor980
February 3rd, 2012, 06:08 AM
Thanks SeaBee for making me dig a little deeper into Navy terms and function. It is very interesting. I'm going to be writing more so hang in there while I write it.

Stealth
February 3rd, 2012, 06:18 AM
This looks like it will be an interesting story. I agree that you should look into Navy terms. You should also make sure you know the armament of the carrier and fighters you intend to use in the coming battle. I don't know if what I expect is too much, but when it comes to military stuff in particular I think the more detailed the better.

Quick question: When is this story set?

Raptor980
February 6th, 2012, 01:20 AM
I was thinking modern to a few years in the future.
I got it! I can call it 2012.lol jk

Stealth
February 6th, 2012, 05:07 AM
If it is a few years in the future then you could look at some of the advance tech coming, like UAVs and those things. Like the Northrop Grumman X-47 that will eventually be fitted as a bomber. Just a suggestion, if you need any help with advanced weapons or little-known advanced weapons, feel free to ask it is a major hobby of mine.