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Bruce Wayne
January 31st, 2012, 09:50 PM
.....

Jeko
February 2nd, 2012, 05:28 PM
An interesting tale, Bruce. Thank you for the read.

The use of tenses is good, if slightly off when you are in the past and then suddenly snap back to the present. It gives it a striking feeling, but fails to force a powerful feeling into you. The pacing works well, apart from when you are inside Jude's. You want to feel steady and cautious, and some of your syntax promotes that feeling, but often I feel like I'm being hurried along, ad so cannot take it in as well.

I was a bit disappointed with the amount of - what I call - 'word collison' (when a space is missing between two words). For atmosphere, you really need a perfect read. i would go over it and add in the spaces that are needed.

There were also a few issues with punctuation, like your thoughts at the end, which finsh without any punctuation at all.


Other niggles:

of at least seven foot

seven feet.


The room is as silent as the blackness you have just left; the only noise being that faint piano sound.

Silence denotes that there is no noise at all. Am I mant to think of silence, ad then the piano? I'd like to think that, but that's not what's written.


Overall, the piece is a tense and interesting story, thick with atmosphere and an underlining of pure malicious darkness. Fix up some of the mistakes, and it'll be a great read.

Hawke
February 2nd, 2012, 06:04 PM
Ah, a creepy Hotel California work. I adored the first part and was sort of left a bit off at the second (where it switches to you), mainly because I suppose I would have liked it to have been told either from a main character's POV, or via speculation (preferred) as a continuation of the myth, or even via someone on the street who saw and heard a bit of it before the door closed. That's probably just me though.

A Few Nits:
becoming = be coming
toy ou = to you
walla nd = wall and
and with a small turn the door opens no argument. = and with a small turn the door opens, no argument. or = without argument
Be careful of your tenses and punctuation.

Creepy feel. Kudos for drawing me into the work. If you do decide to change it, let me know. I'd love to read it again. :)

Bruce Wayne
February 2nd, 2012, 06:35 PM
Thankyou both for reading and for your comments. I'll get right on sorting out those word collisions and punctuation mistakes. I must admit I was a little nervous about sharing this piece as it was an experiment with a completely different style of writing than I have ever tried before. Also it was the first time I had ever written a piece where I gave myself a maximum end word count, so that could explain why it felt a little rushed at the end.

Canis
February 3rd, 2012, 06:28 AM
I'll have to agree with Cadence about the feeling of being "hurried along." The story made me feel like it was slow (not in a bad way, just wait) methodical, calculating, but at the same time I also felt like one idea was chasing the next without a transition. Mostly, it's the abrupt shift in tense that throws me off. I however thoroughly enjoyed the POV style of storytelling. You drew me into the story, made me feel the dread of not wanting to go on, as well as the inability to stop (reading in my case). Very well done. I won't touch on any grammatical errors as they have been pointed out already. If I had to rate it, I'd say a solid 7/10. With the errors fixed 8.5-9/10. There's my two cents. Cheers.

Bruce Wayne
February 7th, 2012, 11:37 AM
Thankyou for your "two cents" Canis, glad you enjoyed it.